Using me? What's going on?

[Tinie]

There was this guy in my last semester's course, who I had never been on speaking terms with. I thought he was very goodlooking, smart, and very pretentious. He would talk to the prof a lot, sometimes being rude. I only remember that he sat right in front of me and I thought he was very arrogant. Anyways, after last semester I forgot all about his existence, until I ran into him on the bus after class one time. He asked me if I had enjoyed reading my Russian translation of Harry Potter. I was so surprised that he knew what language it was, and what book. I realize now that's because the friend I sat with in that course last sem. had asked about it and the guy sat in front of us and was probably eavesdropping. In fact, the guy in question eavesdropped a lot because he told me my friend who sat with me had feelings for me (I had the same suspicion). So I said the book went well, then we discussed last semester's course and that was it. He got on the train and I didn't see him until I started running into him in the hall between classes this semester. He always says hi. We ended up running into each other on the bus again shortly after, at beginning of March. He walked me to my prof's office and the entire time we were just talking about courses. And then I gave him my number. We had joked around about his liking cats, so his first text to me was "Meow". He sent me a text later that day saying he couldn't find me on facebook. So I added him instead. In fact, he was quite insistent upon being facebook friends, he asked me maybe twice, three times. A few days later, he asked me if I was free for coffee. He was like "Are you free for coffee? You don't have to go, I don't want to drag you all the way up here for no reason" since I had no class that day and he wanted to meet at school. I said yes, let's go. He then texted me asking how my day went. We talked about my day, then his, and he said he was disappointed about some midterm mark he got that wasn't what he wanted. I told him not to worry, he's smart, he can fix it. Then he texted me like, 3 texts saying how he's blushing, how he thinks I'm smart, and that I'm too nice. Then I said, well now I'm blushing. And he said, I bet you're really pretty when you blush. I didn't know what to say to that, so I said something stupid along the lines of, yeah like a tomato. He didn't say anything after. I went for coffee with him the next day. Showed up 10 minutes early, even. He came earlier (like 20 mins?). We talked for an hour before his lecture. He was great. We liked the same things, laughed at the same jokes, and I was impressed by how committed he was to school, and his grades and everything. He told me about himself, and his future plans and such. And asked me about mine. In fact, a lot of the conversation was about me. He also told me he's never really been in a serious relationship before. All his past girlfriends had lasted for a week (red flag). The entire time we were talking, I noticed his hands were shaking. Right before he went to class, he asked me if I'd still be up on campus, and I said yes. I said I'd be working on a presentation, but I probably would not be finished before the end of his lecture. He said it wouldn't matter, he'd come and see me anyway to help out. I said ok, just text me. Well, I finished my presentation half an hour after the end of his class, only he never came. I was disappointed. I texted him, and he started to get obnoxious. I didn't say anything annoying, just asked if he was still at school. He said "No, I'm at home. Why, do you miss me?" I said "maybe", and then he said, "Do you liiiiiiiike me?". That was so annoying that I said, "Ha! Keep dreaming". Tactless, I know. He didn't reply after. A few days later, I texted him just to talk. He sounded really tense, like he didn't want to talk to me. He asked me why I wasn't in bed yet, even though it was only like, 11. So I joked I was a night owl, and that I didn't sleep. That lightened the mood and we started to talk and joke around, up until the point where he asked me what I was wearing. And this alarm went off in my head that this question probably had something dirty attached to it. I wasn't wearing anything "exciting", just sweater and sweatpants. We had been joking around that I'd come and sneak into his house. I honestly don't know how that even came up as a topic of conversation, he kind of introduced it. Then, he said, well that's no fair. You're going to see me in my underwear. I told him to put some pants on, and he said no. I said, well I warned you. He said, what are you going to do to me? I don't remember what I said, nothing dirty or important for that matter, but his reply to that was "well in that case, I'm going to take your pants off". Holy flying rat butts! No one has ever said that to me. No one I've talked to for a week has said that to me. I replied, "You have a dirty mind. That's disgusting". He said, haha sorry. That laugh pissed me off so much, that I said "I bet your girlfriends were all one night stands. That's why I don't date. The thought of someone taking off my pants is nauseating". His text to that was "You'd lose that bet. Sorry to have nauseated you". Then he disappeared. Literally, off the face of the earth. I texted him the next day apologizing. And that evening I found out he unfriended me on facebook. I was so upset that I couldn't fall asleep until 3 am. I kept texting him, asking for forgiveness, saying how sorry I was for my words and I was just mad and didn't mean them at all. Eventually he texted me saying he forgave me, but wanted me to please leave him alone. Oh dear. A friend said he wanted to use me for sex. I hardly think so, but how would I know? He didn't want to talk about it, and made the whole thing look like my fault. Why he would go through such lengths for sex makes no sense. I kept apologizing because I felt there was nothing else I could do, and he texted me again, saying that "One day, you'll meet a nice guy but I'm not him. I need to get good grades and do my homework so please leave me alone". First two weeks after, he avoided me in the hall and on the bus. He couldn't even raise his eyes to me. I never acted like I had feelings for him until after our fight. I actually had texted him after, telling him I had feelings for him, and I still do, actually. I know he read my text. I know he read all my texts because he replied to their contents. I even sent him a huge facebook message explaining everything. Which was probably overboard, but whatever. I would have forgotten all about this, but lately I've been running into him everywhere, and he's always staring at me. I was walking one time with a guy friend to my class, and he followed us all the way to my lecture hall, walking about a foot behind, like he wanted to figure out if we were dating. What's with this guy? My guy friend says he likes me but he's got some kind of unhealthy mind to be saying such things about the pants. I don't know. I just want to understand.

[clia]

Paragraphs, please!

 

But this is all I needed to read:

 

A few days later, I texted him just to talk. He sounded really tense, like he didn't want to talk to me. He asked me why I wasn't in bed yet, even though it was only like, 11. So I joked I was a night owl, and that I didn't sleep. That lightened the mood and we started to talk and joke around, up until the point where he asked me what I was wearing. And this alarm went off in my head that this question probably had something dirty attached to it. I wasn't wearing anything "exciting", just sweater and sweatpants. We had been joking around that I'd come and sneak into his house. I honestly don't know how that even came up as a topic of conversation, he kind of introduced it. Then, he said, well that's no fair. You're going to see me in my underwear. I told him to put some pants on, and he said no. I said, well I warned you. He said, what are you going to do to me? I don't remember what I said, nothing dirty or important for that matter, but his reply to that was "well in that case, I'm going to take your pants off". Holy flying rat butts! No one has ever said that to me. No one I've talked to for a week has said that to me. I replied, "You have a dirty mind. That's disgusting". He said, haha sorry. That laugh pissed me off so much, that I said "I bet your girlfriends were all one night stands. That's why I don't date. The thought of someone taking off my pants is nauseating". His text to that was "You'd lose that bet. Sorry to have nauseated you". Then he disappeared. Literally, off the face of the earth.

 

He was interested in you. From what you've written, he seems to have tried to engage in some flirty, joking around type banter with you. People do that when they are flirty and interested in someone. However, rather than laughing it off, you overreacted and insulted him.

 

So, he decided he didn't want to talk to you anymore. He lost whatever interest he had in you.

 

Obviously you knew your behavior was out of line, since you've been apologizing to him ever since.

 

He has clearly told you to leave him alone multiple times. So, leave him alone. And next time if you like a guy, don't insult him.

 

A friend said he wanted to use me for sex. I hardly think so, but how would I know?

 

Did he ever actually try to have sex with you? No? Well then he wasn't using you for sex.

 

He didn't want to talk about it, and made the whole thing look like my fault.

 

You apologized to him, though. So why did you do that if it wasn't your fault?

 

What's with this guy?

 

He wants you to leave him alone and you won't!

 

Seriously, leave him alone!

[Cutiepie1976]

One day, you'll meet a nice guy but I'm not him

 

Not sure why he would ask you to come to campus, tell you he'll come find you and help you with your presentation after his lecture ends, and then just leave you there and go home without saying a word. A lot of other examples of mind games scattered throughout your description of events.

 

I do agree with you that him telling you what he was going to do to you sexually within a week of meeting you, could be too much and was inappropriate. Guys who do that are typically looking for a quick, easy lay--a pump and dump--rather than a relationship. That's consistent with his sexual history. He's never stuck around longer than a week! You are right to set your boundaries where you feel comfortable and where your intuition tells you to set them.

 

I think you need to listen to what he told you--he's not a nice guy.

 

Between that, the mind games, a lot of his behavior, his statements, his arrogance, and the fact that his "relationships" have never lasted more than a week, I'd say this guy is bad news. Your intuition will rarely lead you astray. Never discount it when it sets off alarm bells.

 

I would not have apologized. As you said, you felt you did nothing wrong. Certainly I would not have apologized as many times as you did. Once, done with genuine remorse, is sufficient. If someone chooses not to forgive you, well s*** happens. You knew him a week and hadn't even liked him initially. You found him abrasive, rude, and arrogant. Let it go. He's probably playing mind games with someone else right now. In a few days or a week, it will be someone else. He was a brief, minor ripple in the pool. Just continue on with your life.

 

Anyway, block, delete, ignore. That's my advice regarding him.

 

Good luck.

[Tinie]

From what you've written, he seems to have tried to engage in some flirty, joking around type banter with you.

 

So, he decided he didn't want to talk to you anymore. He lost whatever interest he had in you.

 

Obviously you knew your behavior was out of line, since you've been apologizing to him ever since.

 

 

You apologized to him, though. So why did you do that if it wasn't your fault?

 

Ok flirty is flirty. Verbal sexual harassment is something else. Someone who likes you wouldn't do something to make you feel uncomfortable. They wouldn't launch right into sex talk after hanging out with you once.

 

I only understood my behaviour was out of line when he unfriended me on facebook.

 

It wasn't my fault. He was the one who started talking dirty in the first place...But what do I know. I've never dated.

[Tinie]

@Cutie- thank you. I thought it was something like that. I just wasn't sure. Seemed odd that he was making an effort. I've met douches before and they're much easier to read than he was...

[runningfar]

He didn't have the best way of flirting and he should have been gently corrected but your responses more than once were much more terrible. If I were him, I would think you were completely insane based on those reactions.

 

 

Keep dreaming?

 

 

Insulting his history and then saying someone taking your pants off is nauseating?

 

 

 

I think you are far more in the wrong here.

 

 

At this point though, leave him alone.

[Cutiepie1976]

@Cutie- thank you. I thought it was something like that. I just wasn't sure. Seemed odd that he was making an effort. I've met douches before and they're much easier to read than he was...

 

The difference may be that he's experienced. He knows what's effective. Players typically make an effort up front and come on strong. Then they disappear just as quickly. One of two reasons: they got what they wanted or it looked as if it would take "too long" to get what they wanted. Again, all his relationships (encounters really) last less than a week, he started with mind games almost immediately, and after meeting for coffee once, his conversation immediately turned to what he was going to do to you in bed. These weren't promising signs for anything more than a hookup, ONS, or fling.

 

If those aren't your thing, you weren't a match...you'll both move on to others...no worries.

[Tinie]

He didn't have the best way of flirting and he should have been gently corrected but your responses more than once were much more terrible. If I were him, I would think you were completely insane based on those reactions.

 

 

Keep dreaming?

 

 

Insulting his history and then saying someone taking your pants off is nauseating?

 

 

 

I think you are far more in the wrong here.

 

 

At this point though, leave him alone.

 

So according to you, a guy who hung out with me one time was not at all disrespecting me by saying such vulgar things? He wasn't treating me like his personal prostitute? Sorry, I appreciate your opinion but I disagree. And if this happened again, I wouldn't change anything about what I said. Sex is not supposed to be forced. We were never dating. There's nothing more repulsive than someone saying such things explicitly to someone they barely know. But that's just what I think. You obviously think differently. And if you read what I said, you'd notice we haven't been communicating for over a month. So I think that falls under the category "leave me alone". Although his staring and following me and my friend about is hardly that, which is why I asked my question, though I get already that I rambled way too much about it.

[tbf]

Tinie, I read your other thread. My advice to you is to stop obsessing. Whatever his previous intent doesn't matter. It's over after barely one date and a few very awkward text exchanges.

 

A few things I'd like to point out:

• A player's hands don't shake throughout a date.
  
• Don't text a guy that late unless you're prepared for an overture to sext.
  
• Don't joke about sneaking into his house.
  
• When a guy asks you what you're wearing, that's THE cliche opening for sexting.

[Tinie]

Tinie, I read your other thread. My advice to you is to stop obsessing. Whatever his previous intent doesn't matter. It's over after barely one date and a few very awkward text exchanges.

 

A few things I'd like to point out:

• A player's hands don't shake throughout a date.
  
• Don't text a guy that late unless you're prepared for an overture to sext.
  
• Don't joke about sneaking into his house.
  
• When a guy asks you what you're wearing, that's THE cliche opening for sexting.

 

Sorry. I don't want to obsess. I suppose it doesn't matter if I say this now, but he was the one whose idea it was about my sneaking into his house. I've texted guys that late before, and they texted me, yet this is the first time anything like this has happened. Arg, oh well. Mistake understood, lesson learned.

[ascendotum]

.....

that I said "I bet your girlfriends were all one night stands. That's why I don't date. The thought of someone taking off my pants is nauseating". His text to that was "You'd lose that bet. Sorry to have nauseated you". Then he disappeared. Literally, off the face of the earth

.....

 

Too hard to read all your post. It seems you thought he was getting fresh too quick, which turned you off (you did say he was good looking and pretentious). If you wanted to send a new prospect packing, your comment above (not dating & getting sick over the thought of a guy seeing you naked) will do the trick for most guys. You went a little too far in dampening his enthusiasm imo, but you may have also avoided a pump & dump. Don't worry. There's plenty other guys at university for you.