syw0806 Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 I met him from a dating site, we've been seeing each other about 2 mos.. and sexually active. altho we are not in a relationship, we're acting like a couple, even he's been lately acting like he's getting more attatched to me.. he'd send me pics of his daily life, texting me few times a day everyday, he even got me a random gift after his business trip(and it was real business trip lol), he started to calling me my hon, he tells me im his, his mine.. become very affectionate, told me his dark pasts, so I thought he's more open to me and we are getting closer. but I just figured he just updated his dating profile yesterday, he updated few pictures, and on his profile, he says he's looking for new friends..or more. and says to reply him back when he sends a wink. I'm very devastated now because we are sexually active..and I thought he started to like me more... we talked about the site before and he told me it's not a big deal that I shouldn't worry about it. Is this a red flag? should I just leave?
soccerrprp Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 it sounds like he's looking for something else, something better....sorry, but this is a major RED flag! either leave him now or prepare to be hurt. 1
Emilia Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 I'm very devastated now because we are sexually active..and I thought he started to like me more... we talked about the site before and he told me it's not a big deal that I shouldn't worry about it. Is this a red flag? should I just leave? It is a red flag and I think for the future it would be best if you took a guy's intentions into consideration before sleeping with him rather than assume that sex will help you keep him. 3
Author syw0806 Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 yea I learned that... I actually texted him last night saying I can't do this casual relationship anymore. basically saying im out of this, I know you are still looking for other girls,, and he texted me back this morning that he's not looking for anyone right now and he's gnna get upset if I keep saying that (because I used to warn him several times that I feel little insecure about this relationship.) and he told me we get along good so why can't I just wait and see how it goes.. we are not officially dating so there's nothing for me to say about him still on the site. I even tried to understand him being on the site, but updating his profile is whole different story I guess. I just feel sad because he's been acting like he started to really develop feelings for me and he even randomly sends 'love' texts.. not calling me love, but I thought he tried to hint his love. and even when we have sex, it's not just sex more like romantic connection. I knew for sure that he's been seeing only me, because I've been seeing quiet often and if we don't see, he always texted and called during evening time.. and he even kept calling if I don't answer the phone, afraid that I might on a date w other guys. now I see him updated his profile, I'm really confused. I'm afriad now he's going on a date w other girls.. he texted me this morning saying he wants to see me tomorrow haaaaa
Emilia Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 yea I learned that... I actually texted him last night saying I can't do this casual relationship anymore. basically saying im out of this, I know you are still looking for other girls,, and he texted me back this morning that he's not looking for anyone right now and he's gnna get upset if I keep saying that (because I used to warn him several times that I feel little insecure about this relationship.) and he told me we get along good so why can't I just wait and see how it goes.. Of course. He is getting sex so why rock the boat? we are not officially dating so there's nothing for me to say about him still on the site. I don't understand why anyone would agree to something like this. You are right to feel insecure about the 'relationship'. There isn't one. I even tried to understand him being on the site, but updating his profile is whole different story I guess. I just feel sad because he's been acting like he started to really develop feelings for me and he even randomly sends 'love' texts.. not calling me love, but I thought he tried to hint his love. and even when we have sex, it's not just sex more like romantic connection. I knew for sure that he's been seeing only me, because I've been seeing quiet often and if we don't see, he always texted and called during evening time.. and he even kept calling if I don't answer the phone, afraid that I might on a date w other guys. now I see him updated his profile, I'm really confused. I'm afriad now he's going on a date w other girls.. he texted me this morning saying he wants to see me tomorrow haaaaa So he is a guy who is able to be romantic and lovey with you, extremely clearly doesn't want to commit yet you are still questioning his character? You are being lead up the garden path and he is able to talk you into having sex with him until he finds someone else.
CarrieT Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 . I actually texted him last night saying I can't do this casual relationship anymore. Why don't you actually TALK to him about this. So many people don't get how little texting diminishes intent these days. By texting him, you are belittling what meager relationship you have established. By talking to him in earnest, you might be able to build on something that you two have already started. 1
Emilia Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Why don't you actually TALK to him about this. So many people don't get how little texting diminishes intent these days. By texting him, you are belittling what meager relationship you have established. By talking to him in earnest, you might be able to build on something that you two have already started. True. I assumed there was talking involved too but you are absolutely right
CryForNoOne Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 As a guy, I cannot think of ANY reason why I'd update my OLD profile unless I was looking to meet someone else or "upgrade". Sorry but if you want a HEALTHY committed relationship, you need to move on. 2
Treasa Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 If you feel insecure about this relationship, and if he knows it and says he's gonna get upset (huge flag; I bail when I hear these words now) if you bring it up again... I dunno. I think you should cut your losses. I could make up an explanation for anything, and so could he from the sounds of it, but it won't help your gut feeling. 1
Cutiepie1976 Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 From the OP: ...we are not in a relationship... Is this a red flag? should I just leave? You are not in a relationship. You are not exclusive. He made no commitment to you. You're not "official" as you say in a later post. He's free to date and see others if he so chooses. If you didn't want him seeing others, then don't agree to sex while he's still looking. The guy has been active on this dating site the entire time. You had a disconnect between what you wanted and what you had long before he ever updated his photos. Back pedalling to get what you always wanted but had been too *whatever emotion* to ask rarely works. 2
reaver Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 (edited) Im sorry but hes bull****ting you. Actions speak louder than words. When you are really like someone, you dont even go on the dating site anymore. My male friends that met their S.O's online said the same thing. This guy is playing you. No, you cant do much about him being on the site because you arent official. It does speak volumes about how casual your relationship is. Please dont fall for it and just go No Contact. BTW, this is something to be insecure about. For future reference, often when a guy says you are "insecure" it means he just doesnt want to deal with his inappropriate behavior so he will deflect the blame back onto you. Dont date a guy who does this- if he genuinely cared for your feelings his actions would be changing... Edited April 15, 2013 by reaver
tricolors Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Am I completely weird or out of the loop? How do you spend a lot of time with someone, exclusively, over a period of months, and have sex with them, only to consider yourself "not officially dating?" I feel like I'm on a different planet from some of the posters here. 7
Emilia Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Am I completely weird or out of the loop? How do you spend a lot of time with someone, exclusively, over a period of months, and have sex with them, only to consider yourself "not officially dating?" I feel like I'm on a different planet from some of the posters here. No, you are completely normal.
BluEyeL Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Like everyone said, it doesn't look good at all. You have two options: 1. Dump him immediately. I don't think you are able to do that you seem to be attached. 2. Try to get him to commit to you before you go through with the dumping, so you don't think you didn't try everything. In order to attempt this you should do the following: - don't act needy, don't initiate texts, answer his contact requests not so often. - Date other people and make sure he knows it (don't tell him to his face, but find ways for him to guess it, allude to it) - Stop having sex with him - Put him in the friend zone, then flirt with him,, put him back in the friend zone. - repeat If this fails, dump him, he's not into you and he will hurt you further.
TigerCub Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Stop reading into his "love notes" and how you think he's hinting that he's falling for you, and how the sex is more of a connection. Because all that might just be what you want to see. Look at the facts that are there right in front of you. He still has his profile and updated the pics He knows it makes you insecure and actually told you that if you bring it up again it will upset him. Come on!! If you still want to casually date him - fine do so. But You should then update YOUR profile with new pics Date other guys Not be available to see him whenever he asks you out Don't sleep with him (because now you're seeing others and you don't wanna end up screwing a lot of people at once). Don't just sit there thinking that if you just tried a little harder, he'd be yours. If he's looking for other people, there is nothing you can do to stop that, so at least get yours too. 2
curlygirl40 Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 This is an easy one. A very simple conversation that could go like this: I really like you and have enjoyed spending time with you. But I'm looking for a relationship and it doesn't seem you want the same. Thanks again for the time we spent together, but I'm going to move along to find what I'm looking for. Goodbye Then walk away. NO drama, no ultimatums, no whining, no being insecure. If he follows you and says he wants a relationship, then listen to what he has to say and make sure he's on the same page. Profile's down, officially dating, etc. But if he lets you go, then you have your answer and no more spending time with this guy. Good luck 2
Author syw0806 Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 thanks guys, he kept bugging me whats wrong and i told him i want someone who truely enjoys my company and someone i can do fun things together, and idont see those pictures with him.. and also told him about his updated profile. then he hide his profile rightaway saying i told him so thats why he updated. i dont know what the hell he tried to say when he said 'you told me so i updated' but so far his profile is hidden and hes been trying to win me back. saying he likes me he wants to do fun stuffs w me too, so and so should i give it another chance?
TigerCub Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 thanks guys, he kept bugging me whats wrong and i told him i want someone who truely enjoys my company and someone i can do fun things together, and idont see those pictures with him.. and also told him about his updated profile. then he hide his profile rightaway saying i told him so thats why he updated. i dont know what the hell he tried to say when he said 'you told me so i updated' but so far his profile is hidden and hes been trying to win me back. saying he likes me he wants to do fun stuffs w me too, so and so should i give it another chance? Is the profile really hidden or it could just be blocked from you?
salparadise Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 but so far his profile is hidden and hes been trying to win me back. saying he likes me he wants to do fun stuffs w me too, so and so. should i give it another chance? I think you should quickly and objectively assess whether he is honest and trustworthy, and if a long-term relationship with him is what you truly want. If the answer to both is yes, then have the exclusivity talk. If he is enthusiastic about being exclusive with you and everything seems on the up and up, then congratulations on your new committed relationship. If it doesn't go so well, just realize that this was the tipping point and move along with no regrets, integrating what you've learned from the experience.
Author syw0806 Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 so we had conversation, and what happened was, we had a fight few days ago were arguing about him not taking down his profile(because he said he will) i figured he still opens his options so i told him i will keep dating other ppl and he shouldnt care about it(bc he goes crazy and is really jealous type) one day he was asking if i want to meet him up and i said i cant bc i have a date. n he just told me that was the time he was pissed n decided to play the same. its not that he blocked me, he really did hide his profile but you never know when he will unhide it. so im just gnna give another week to see if he really making some effort. i know it was immature of both of us,, but i know he hasnt been on dates eversince he met me so ill just see how it goes. thanks!!!
curlygirl40 Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Well just keep your eyes wide open with him and make sure his actions match his words. Not a good start to a 'relationship' if you ask me. I think you both need to look at what you want out of this and act accordingly. Good luck, it's a start at least!
ses Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 People can act romantic and sweet without being committed. Sex can just be sex. Don't read too much into it. I know it's hurtful but it sounds like he saw you as a FWB from the start. If he saw something more with you and had genuine feelings then he would have already had the exclusivity talk. He has no incentive to change the status quo since sex has always been available. His jealousy may just indicate he's worried about losing your attention and the free sex. If he's not willing to give you the commitment that you want then it would be better to break it off completely and find someone else. It's not easy and will hurt like hell but you deserve a guy who values you as his girlfriend, not a secondary option. Don't settle for less.
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