FindingPeace68 Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Hi everyone, I could really use your advice as there are a few twists in my recent break up that is really haunting me and could potentially haunt me for a long time if I can't come up with a constructive plan of action on how to think properly about this. Please read the whole post as you will see several things haunting me. My girlfriend and I just broke up 2 months ago...ending a very adventurous relationship that was full of memories and travels around the country together. She is gorgeous and has a magnetic personality that I was immediately drawn to. She was a former Olympic coach and coached a medalist so she had a very strong personality. That being said we lived together in Orange County, CA and it became clear that as time went on that she still had residual feelings for her ex-husband of 17 years even though he had moved on. She broke up with him as he was only a financial provider but didn't ever show her love or affection. Even so, she showed signs of not wanting to let him go even though he has since moved into a relationship with another woman. It appeared to have bothered her even though she broke up with him. The night of the break up she brought something up about her ex - it wasn't really too bad but I had kept so much inside that I finally threw in my two sense about how I felt about the whole situation with her ex. Well obviously that didn't sit well with her and she went into a volcanic rage and ultimately hit me in the face with her fist. When I discovered I had blood on my face I got into a very surreal state. With my adrenaline flowing like crazy, I decided to call the police. I barely remember doing calling 911 but I did. The police came and to make a long story short they arrested her and put her in jail. They say that 60% of all domestic violence cases the "victim" regrets calling the police. I'm in that 60% category that regret calling the police. I loved her with all my heart and I still do. For me I look at our relationship over 2 years and there was a lot of sacrifice that went into making this work. First, it started long distance and I ultimately moved across the country to be with her. Second, our relationship was 95% perfect in my opinion. We had a blast together, were very affectionate togethers, etc etc. People looked at us as an incredible couple. We were so powerful together. It's just that 5% that was so volcanic!!!! It was horrible. She is a Scorpio and would sometimes out of nowhere go into a rage over something trivial - like getting off the wrong highway exit on the way to a restaurant (after leaving church may I add). Needless to say I tried to not sweat the small stuff and focused more on the 95% she had going for her. Immediately after she was arrested, I went into a deep spiral despair over what had just transpired. I felt like my life just ended with just one phone call to the police. I knew that we were done and whether it was her hitting me or me calling the police I couldn't stop obsessing over the fact that I could have redeemed myself if I never called the police. It was and still is an agonizing experience for me that could haunt me for many years. A few days after the incident, I moved out of the house and got a hotel room for a couple days so she and her 15 year old daughter could move back into the house. I did this out of respect to her daughter not my ex-girlfriend. The main thing here is that my ex started communicating with me again almost in a civil manner. Obviously, her true intention was to leverage my love for her to help her with her brand new domestic violence case. She has no criminal record of any kind but she needed me as the district attorney would undoubtedly want me to testify against her. Of course her plan worked. Not only did I write the District Attorney a 3 page letter basically putting everything in the best possible light. The big thing is that I moved to North Carolina where my family lives so to make it much more difficult for the District Attorney to subpoena me against my ex girlfriend. Even though I was hurt over her hitting me, it would have hurt me more to have to testify against her. My ex and I communicated for about 6 weeks via phone, email, and text. Most of the time we discussed the case and every once in while we would discuss something about church, our Faith in God, and/or some other type of trivial subject. This gave me hope as my ex promised during the whole domestic violence case that she was planning on opening up to me after the case was over and have more or less a "peace talk" between us. I hung on that promise and continued to help her anyway I could. Well, 3 days ago, she was ultimately convicted. She had her misdemeanor domestic violence charge reduced to misdemeanor "disturbing the peace - fighting". Which I would consider a victory on her part I would think. Instead I got an email from her attorney that day after the case was over stating that "her client never wants to have contact with you again....if you decide to contact her I will have to take action to ensure that you don't..." WOW!!! Are you kidding me?? I helped her in the biggest way get her case dramatically reduced. She went from an original felony charge down to a misdemeanor domestic violence charge down to a "disturbing the peace" conviction. Now she doesn't want to have not only a "peace out talk" but now I get an email from her attorney that she never wants to talk to me ever again?????????? This is killing me! I guess in my mind I thought we could talk things out as she was always great at thinking about both sides of the story once she had ample time to think about things and would ultimately apologize to me for her wrongs. I was praying that after some time she would not only look at the domestic violence incident and look at wrongs during the whole 2 years and ultimately apologize to me. This would give me peace! Now I am searching for answers on how to move forward without closure. **** The 2nd big twist to our break up ******* The hardest part about this that will haunt me forever is that we work together in a network marketing business (MLM company). I have been with this company for 14 years and she has been in the company for 11 years. Not to brag but for the point, we are both successful with this company. This a 20 year old company and the relationships run deep with the field leaders and we both know the same people. We have several huge events around the country where we are expected to attend as leaders. So going forward, I have to see this ex-girlfriend (that I still love) at these major events. We will be running into each other all the time at these events. Seeing her in a mode where she will always have her "back to me" is killing me. It would be so much easier to drop the resentments and talk a few things out and agree to be civil to each other at these events. Otherwise, this type of tension could also put mutual friends and associates in an uncomfortable situation too. No one in the company except a select few key top company officials knows about the domestic violence part. They are not taking sides as this is a business environment. Everyone else just knows that we broke up and that's it. Even so, not having a "peace talk" really can make things uncomfortable for those that know the both of us. One of the reasons why I wanted this "peace talk" was to ease the pain and awkwardness when we see each other at these major events. I could write more but this should provide a glimpse of the dilemma I am in. I don't know how to deal with this. *** It's heartbreak over a breakup with someone I was planning to spend the rest of my life with. **** It's heartbreak over the domestic violence situation and the pain I harbor for initiating this by calling the police **** It's heartbreak over my newfound work/business situation where I have to see this woman for the rest of my life. Or should I say, see the "back of this woman" for the rest of my life. I could really use all of your feedback on this. Any pointers, advice, prayers, anything will help as I getting hit with several different things here all at the same time!!! Thank you.
Trimmer Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 (edited) FP - I absolutely understand your heartbreak, and it is 100% valid, but I want to point out a few things that seem apparent to me, although I realize how you might likely see them with a different bias: Immediately after she was arrested, I went into a deep spiral despair over what had just transpired. I felt like my life just ended with just one phone call to the police. You need to understand: your relationship ended with her physically striking you in the face. Your phone call did NOT end your life nor your relationship: it was the right thing to do. Her punch ended your relationship. I knew that we were done and whether it was her hitting me or me calling the police I couldn't stop obsessing over the fact that I could have redeemed myself if I never called the police. It was and still is an agonizing experience for me that could haunt me for many years. Please don't make your call to the police the focus of that experience. Your call to the police was the right thing to do, and I'm glad you had the courage to do it, even if it was adrenaline-fueled at the time. Your instincts were correct. And you imagine you could have redeemed yourself? I hope in time you will understand how backward that is, how you are taking responsibility for "fixing" this situation that she took WAAAY over the line. The main thing here is that my ex started communicating with me again almost in a civil manner. Obviously, her true intention was to leverage my love for her to help her with her brand new domestic violence case. I'm glad this is obvious to you, because later events just make it even more clear, don't they? Now here's the really insidious part for me: My ex and I communicated for about 6 weeks via phone, email, and text. Most of the time we discussed the case and every once in while we would discuss something about church, our Faith in God, and/or some other type of trivial subject. This gave me hope as my ex promised during the whole domestic violence case that she was planning on opening up to me after the case was over and have more or less a "peace talk" between us. I hung on that promise and continued to help her anyway I could. As I read this - even before I got any further - when I read "after the case was over", I thought, oh, that manipulative *****. If she was any kind of thoughtful person, if she was the person you wanted to be with, if she was redeemable in any way from this incident, she first needed to accept responsibility for what she did, and then embark on the process of putting some long, hard work into changing herself - redeeming herself to you. And if that were the case, she should have been having the "peace talk" right from the start. Instead, the "peace talk" was the bait, hanging out there on a string, waiting for you to chase after it, and perform your part in the real master plan, almost certainly developed with the guidance of her attorney. And her plan worked - pretty well, if not perfectly, right? And so let's imagine that even after putting you through this manipulative plan, even after using you by playing on your pain and emotional turmoil, she still had something redeemable left inside. Wouldn't she at some point own some small part of all of this? Take some responsibility? Somehow reveal that she has a human soul? No - instead, after she had used you up, once you had no more purpose, she dropped you like a hot potato. Please - I don't mean to rub this in or make you feel worse, but in the long run, I think it will help you to see her brazenly manipulative nature that was revealing itself all along. I helped her in the biggest way get her case dramatically reduced. She went from an original felony charge down to a misdemeanor domestic violence charge down to a "disturbing the peace" conviction. Now she doesn't want to have not only a "peace out talk"... She never did. If she did, she would have been having it with you in the 6 weeks when you were talking by phone, email, and text. If she really meant to have the peace talk, if she really meant to redeem herself, if she really meant to work at healing her relationship with you, nothing would have obstructed her from getting started on those tasks; instead, she used them as bait to get you to fall in line - to both figuratively and literally "go away." ... but now I get an email from her attorney that she never wants to talk to me ever again?????????? Now that she has spent your usefulness, she doesn't need to hide her intentions any more, so she can communicate clearly what she was keeping from you before: "I'm going to use you to get this case reduced as much as possible, then I want you out of my life." I guess in my mind I thought we could talk things out as she was always great at thinking about both sides of the story once she had ample time to think about things and would ultimately apologize to me for her wrongs. I was praying that after some time she would not only look at the domestic violence incident and look at wrongs during the whole 2 years and ultimately apologize to me. This would give me peace! Now I am searching for answers on how to move forward without closure. You don't need her to deliver you peace. And even if she delivered a "peace talk", that wouldn't be closure. Not to say that these things will come easily or quickly, and for now this will sound like an empty, trite platitude, but they will ultimately come from within you, and they will be ever the more valuable that way. I won't say "you are lucky..." or "you should be glad..." but in some ways, it will help you that she has so truly and completely revealed herself, her lack of remorse, her manipulative nature, and her lack of human soul. If she had faked a "peace talk", it would just have dragged out your emotional agony even further, when she apparently doesn't have the ability to take responsibility for her actions, nor the desire to heal your relationship. It's the quick-pull bandage removal - yes it will hurt like hell, but at least the first part is unambiguously over, and you can see the damage that you are working with and get on to the business of healing. I'm sorry that most of what I have for you here is metaphorical. I don't have "do this and you will get 4.5% better in 5 weeks..." Mostly I offer you the prospect that while you may in time benefit from reviewing the role you played in the relationship, and even your own deficits and failures within that relationship, please understand that (a) you do not bear the responsibility for the way she ended it, (b) you were right and you are admirable to have had the strength to draw the line and walk away, © she amply proved that you did the right thing getting out, by her brazen manipulations during the investigation and trial, (d) you do not need to redeem yourself to her, and finally (e) your achieving peace and closure will be processes, not events, they will be a part of your journey of healing moving forward, they will not depend on any contribution from her, and the true journey of peace and closure will not be impeded by her lack of participation. And because of that, this journey will help redefine YOU. Edited April 15, 2013 by Trimmer 1
Author FindingPeace68 Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 Thank you so much Trimmer for your wisdom. I really appreciate the amount of time you spent writing your post in response to my story. I'm sure that this all looks so much clearer to someone like you looking from the outside in. For me, it's been a real hell experience since I moved across the country for her and had to go through a lot of logistical challenges to make the relationship work. There were some red flags in advance of this hitting incident but once I made the move to California I felt that I needed to at least commit myself for awhile and see where things led with the relationship. Boy, did i find out the hard way?! I did love her very much but I guess the question I seem to have to have to ask myself is why did I love her? I can't do anything to change what happened in the past but use it as a learning experience for my future. I guess that's the best I'm going to get as it's apparent that this woman is either narcissistic or boderline disorder or both?? She had a magnetic and seductive personality on the surface but she had an intensity inside her that was hard for me to discern and understand at times that caused me concern and even fear at times. One minute she showered me with love and attention and then out of nowhere she went "volcanic" on me over trivial things that normally wouldn't bother most people. I guess at the end of the day, I feel abused and very used. I think the only thing that kept something like this happening sooner is we work for the same company and she to some degree might have felt pressure inside of herself to maintain her composure as long as possible as she is really into her reputation. Obviously, she ended our relationship in fireworks so I'm starting to think that eventually she couldn't contain the volcano inside of her and she ultimately erupted and showed her a**. Nonetheless, pain still exists. There were enough positive memories to make this new journey very challenging. I moved back from North Carolina to appease her case. I don't like it here in North Carolina and that kind of depresses me so I am already making a game plan to move back to California within a year as I loved it there. Trimmer, what do I do if I see her at company events? Anything advice above and beyond avoiding her? This is the tough part for me as I will see her a couple times a year for several decades to come... Ugh!!
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