kcs121 Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 i have been with my boyfriend 3 years. He has always been controlling, hit me after 8 months in - i got a protection order and we both went to an anger management course. The violence has stopped pretty much, he is LESS controlling however still controlling - i think this is just because i am not pushing going out as much or drinking etc. i have turned into someone i KNOW in my heart i am not due the stress and mounting anger. His family enables him - the one person that did stand up to him ended up hating me because of his manipulative ways. Now im not saying everything is his fault because obviously i have MAJORLY enabled the behaviour because i "loved" him and wanted to "fix" him - largely co-dependence on my part which i have been doing some finding out about - so glad i have! However i dont know how to get out. Im severly depressed and unhappy although our relationship should technically be better than ever. I have spend so long trying to help him reach his potential, build up relationships with his family (that he really didnt want me to make), shunned my own family, taken on parenting his disabled child.... however he still made a comment "well do you want to be with me or not?" when i made a remark about getting a fringe (hair cut) last night. after reading about co dependence i got very frustrated at that comment and called him out on it - however i was told "stop giving a **** it meant nothing". I know the easy way out would be to "dump him" however at a time when our relationship is FINALLY getting better? all his family would end up hating me because of the drama ive caused? (i have worked so hard for nothing?). I know im not happy - but il also be devastated leaving him. its a ****ed up situation and ive got noone to talk to about it now.
WhoreyBull Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Well, you said it yourself, it is a ****ed up situation, but when you are in a hole the first step to getting out is stop digging. You say that now he is finally getting better, but when you think back have there been other "finally"s? You've spent a lot of time trying to help him meet his potential, but what about your own? I know it's hard to think about but if you leave this man then the opinion, his family, his friends, and he holds of you does not matter. They are his family first and, as you know, they are being co-dependent. So no matter how good you are, and no matter how despicable he is, they will always be in his corner. Even as you are here you are still very much in his corner. You need to spend some time focusing on your opinion of yourself. You haven't been wasting time, you have been trying to help someone who you had feelings for. But now that you see you've been pushing a boulder up hill would you allow yourself to endure Sisphus's fate? 3 years is not a long time in the grand scheme of things, and unhappy moments will make years feel like decades. It's a hard situation, it really sucks either way. We are here to listen.
spiderowl Posted April 18, 2013 Posted April 18, 2013 If it's taken so long to make it 'better' than it was before, then I can understand that by now you've had enough. I do think that once a relationship has lost that special love and trust that you build together, then there isn't really anything left. It's never easy to get out of a relationship and even if you really don't like them any more, it still hurts because you are losing what you hoped for and the few good things that are left. It sounds to me like you tried and tried and it's been uphill all the way. Now that things have improved from awful to slightly better, you are probably loathe to throw it all away. I was in a similar position - there was no violence or cruelty but he didn't want the same things as me and though he clearly wanted to be with me, he avoided everything that mattered to me. I thought it was lack of confidence, lack of understanding, you name it. I worked hard to communicate, to build confidence, to cope with the consequences of his failures (which affected me of course) but none of it really worked. In the end, the resentment and bitterness couldn't be held down any more and I had to find a way out. It was a really hard place to be because sticking with what you know has such appeal, but when you know your emotions are boiling underneath, it's not really an option. It's your decision of course, but just ask yourself - have you achieved what you wanted to with him and does he treat you with care, consideration and love?
keep_strong Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Your post sounds the same as mine, I was with my ex for 3 years, he hit me 6 months or so into the relationship. We broke up after awhile and then got back together. But this time I was different in the second half, He changed me into some sobbing 5 year old girl, I'd go to work crying my eyes out thinking 'I've caused all this drama, to get him back, now he's back, I've changed and I'm miserable' He also, was less controlling, but I constantly felt depressed. After awhile though, because of me being depressed all the time, we starting fighting and he hit me for the last time. Spoke my last words to him this morning and I've parted from him now, hopefully can stick out the no contact rule and get over him. I'll be honest right now, when I got back with my ex and got what I wanted from him, to be less controlling and more loving... in my heart it was too late, he changed the way I felt about him. I tried to delude myself into saying 'Yeah, I SHOULD be happy and YEAH I do love him and YEAH he has changed' but what was he doing to you when you wanted to be happy in the first place?.... Abusing you. Get out of there, start a fresh with someone new and exciting. Once someone you love hits you or hurts you, something inside of you tells you to let go, everything bad my ex did, I started to realise it was wrong months later. Please get out. You'll only be depressed with him, while you could be healing and closer to meeting someone who's never hit you and trying to change, you could meet someone who's just normal and nice and kind etc. It's hard to lose someone, even if they are the devil. But I'm doing it right now, it's hard but it's going to be worth it. Hope it helps and good luck x
keep_strong Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 The violence has stopped pretty much, he is LESS controlling however still controlling Get out, he will never change. 'pretty much' and 'less' is not 'he has took complete change' it's not the end of his ways, and he will carry on hurting you. 1
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