Author Confused48 Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 There is a huge difference between thinking something is OK and actually doing it. You're punishing yourself too much for a simple thought. Agreed. Thanks. You thought it would be OK. Fine, then why didn't you do it? What stopped you? Why didn't you pursue it with the attractive and interesting person at the restaurant? That night I wanted to. That is why I'm so sure I would if I were pursued like my WS was. B/c that night I wanted to but did not only b/c it wasn't easy enough. I'd have had to be more proactive. Had you been actively looking for an AP before your WS had an affair? No. Just open to it. Thinking like, wouldn't it be nice since I have this free pass to be able to use it. I know that was a really bad way to be thinking. But that was me. 1
Furious Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Agreed. Thanks. That night I wanted to. That is why I'm so sure I would if I were pursued like my WS was. B/c that night I wanted to but did not only b/c it wasn't easy enough. I'd have had to be more proactive. No. Just open to it. Thinking like, wouldn't it be nice since I have this free pass to be able to use it. I know that was a really bad way to be thinking. But that was me. Then what....what would a free pass mean? Would that have meant not ending your marriage, not breaking up your children's world. Would it have meant telling your kids do as I say but not do as I do? Does a free pass include potentially destroying another betrayed spouse and their family? Really, what does a free pass to cheat mean?
96nole Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 OK, thank you for the honesty. Here's what I think below. Agreed. Thanks. You're welcome. That night I wanted to. That is why I'm so sure I would if I were pursued like my WS was. B/c that night I wanted to but did not only b/c it wasn't easy enough. I'd have had to be more proactive. Just because you "want to" doesn't mean you will do. You didn't pursue it. I think if you really wanted it, you would have pursued it. I think you're using the "it wasn't easy enough" as an excuse. I think you wouldn't really have done it and you're not giving yourself credit for not going for it. No. Just open to it. Thinking like, wouldn't it be nice since I have this free pass to be able to use it. I know that was a really bad way to be thinking. But that was me. You're right, it really was a bad way to think. But you never acted on it. You now know it was wrong and can correct it. Stop beating yourself up. Give yourself the credit for not acting on your thoughts. Give yourself the credit for understanding a weakness you may have and can now fix. And remember, at the end of the day, you only thought about it. But your WS acted on it. Don't try to absorb any of their blame for the affair. You can only take up to 50% of the blame for any problems in the marriage. But you take 0% for the affair. That's completely 100% on your WS. 2
Plan 9 from OS Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Twist of fate that WS had the misfortune to be in the wrong place at the wrong time when a serial cheater was also. Had I been in the sights of a serial cheater before WS, would I have done what WS did? I think so. Oh, god. You know this is complete and utter bull*****, don't you? You make is sound like a high percentage of infidelity is based on a smaller core of hardened serial cheaters prowling the world like nasty predators looking to lure the innocent into the world of cheating... Yeah right... Contrary to popular belief, there are not a group of cheaters out partaking of taboo fruits simply because they were brainwashed into doing so by heinous people. The PUA's, serial cheaters, etc may be good at luring people in, but rest assured that the people were lured in by their own free will. Last time I checked, everyone who cheated has a functioning brain and could have made another choice.
Darren Steez Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 I'm sorry for you both that you feel some actions you took are regretted now as source of motivation for your WS to cheat. I'm sure that is a terrible feeling. My feeling is different. I know now after reading "not just friends" how my WS or I could have gotten messed up in an affair. But worse. I recall things like the time I was away on business. I spent the day in near proximity to an interesting person of the opposite sex. Then, by chance, while out to dinner with the people from my company, we ran into this person with people from that company. We all ate together. A very long dinner with drinks after. I sat across from the attractive interesting person. We could not take our eyes off each other. We talked about such deep and intense subjects. The chemistry was so obvious. Now neither I nor this person were serial cheaters or even inclined to try to make something untoward happen. But had this person pursued me vigorously, what would be the result? Now, knowing what I know now, I'm pretty sure I'd be very resistant. But then, that night, I'd probably have been an easy target. I feel sick thinking about it. Oh please, but you didn't. If you wanted to pursue you could have. You said the chemistry was obvious, you could have played on it, taken it further, but you didnt. You think life is not full of challenges and temptations? You say she was in the wrong time at the wrong place..what nonsense!!! All she had to do was say no, I have a husband at home..it's sooo simple. NO! Magic word. I won't do that to my husband, the man I married. Just stop it. She cheated, stop trying to invert this on yourself by creating imaginary scenerios
Author Confused48 Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 Oh please, but you didn't. If you wanted to pursue you could have. You said the chemistry was obvious, you could have played on it, taken it further, but you didnt. You think life is not full of challenges and temptations? I was never pursued. My WS was pursued for months. If I were pursued even a little I'd have caved. Back then.
Author Confused48 Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 You know this is complete and utter bull*****, don't you? You make is sound like a high percentage of infidelity is based on a smaller core of hardened serial cheaters prowling the world like nasty predators looking to lure the innocent into the world of cheating... I never gave an opinion on the percentage of cheaters who were serial cheaters. I'm just saying in this one case, a serial cheater (8 other confessed times) went after my WS.
Author Confused48 Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 OK, thank you for the honesty. Here's what I think below. Stop beating yourself up. Give yourself the credit for not acting on your thoughts. Give yourself the credit for understanding a weakness you may have and can now fix. And remember, at the end of the day, you only thought about it. But your WS acted on it. Don't try to absorb any of their blame for the affair. You can only take up to 50% of the blame for any problems in the marriage. But you take 0% for the affair. That's completely 100% on your WS. Good points all. One thing though. I'm not taking the blame for the A. Not at all. Never have. The fact I was as bad as I was had no impact on WS deciding to have an affair. What is maybe happening with this that benefits WS is that I can forgive. Maybe. First I have to forgive myself for being as bad as I was. Which was pretty awful. If I can forgive myself then maybe I can also forgive WS.
Author Confused48 Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 Then what....what would a free pass mean? Would that have meant not ending your marriage, not breaking up your children's world. Would it have meant telling your kids do as I say but not do as I do? Does a free pass include potentially destroying another betrayed spouse and their family? Really, what does a free pass to cheat mean? Furious, you really know how to sugar coat it don't you! But just so you can see what I was thinking, I will tell you that no, I did not think any of these terrible things you list would happen to me or others. See I was entitled to this. I would get away with it. There would be simply no consequences to me or anyone. Even if it had unfolded in that very unlikely way, I know now I'd be miserable. I'd probably feel so miserable about myself that the other consequences would pale by comparison.
Furious Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Furious, you really know how to sugar coat it don't you! But just so you can see what I was thinking, I will tell you that no, I did not think any of these terrible things you list would happen to me or others. See I was entitled to this. I would get away with it. There would be simply no consequences to me or anyone. Even if it had unfolded in that very unlikely way, I know now I'd be miserable. I'd probably feel so miserable about myself that the other consequences would pale by comparison. You're speaking in hypotheticals. Unfortunately hindsight is a double edged sword. Everyone is capable of cheating, and it's not a revelation to recognize the possibility. My husband cheated but when he recognized that i could have cheated on him throughout our entire marriage he was shocked. The thing is most people who cheat think it's a unique situation, but the truth is it's not. I didn't report to my husband about all the times I was hit on, I look back and I realize I didn't make a big deal about it, and thought it wasn't worth mentioning i was actually embarrassed about it, and thought he would think I was inviting the attention or he would think I was trying to make him jealous. We had both talked about jealousy and how jealousy was distasteful to us. We always prided ourselves in how we didn't play games with each other and believed in trust. I assumed he trusted me and that he understood, and I assumed he knew I would feel the same about him and trusted him. Ironically, knowing that cheating is a possibility is the best defence against becoming a cheater. 1
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