Confused48 Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 What would you say that I know that what my WS did was nothing worse than what I would have done in a different time and different place? My WS was no better or worse than me. I could have caused this devastation to our family as easily as WS. I'm glad it was WS and not me but, oh my. I'm such a piece of s**t. I'm just the WS but for the twist of fate. Anyone else feel like this? 1
krazikat Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 What would you say that I know that what my WS did was nothing worse than what I would have done in a different time and different place? My WS was no better or worse than me. I could have caused this devastation to our family as easily as WS. I'm glad it was WS and not me but, oh my. I'm such a piece of s**t. I'm just the WS but for the twist of fate. Anyone else feel like this? Um, yikes? I understand. I have not been the perfect wife...in the aftermath of the affair coming to light, I really thought about our marriage and what could have led to this mess. And I remembered things I did, things I deeply regret. I am not sure, of reversed, if I would have even stayed in the marriage...but I didnt have an affair, so some may say it doesnt matter what I said/did...but it does. I pushed my husband away. The memories of how I treated him when I felt lost on how to respond to his drinking...well, the words I said, etc. I found myself crying and feeling like such a b***h. How could I treat someone I love like that?
Author Confused48 Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 So what happened that stopped you? What do you consider a twist of fate that it wasn't you cheating? Twist of fate that WS had the misfortune to be in the wrong place at the wrong time when a serial cheater was also. Had I been in the sights of a serial cheater before WS, would I have done what WS did? I think so. Oh, god. 1
underwater2010 Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 What would you say that I know that what my WS did was nothing worse than what I would have done in a different time and different place? My WS was no better or worse than me. I could have caused this devastation to our family as easily as WS. I'm glad it was WS and not me but, oh my. I'm such a piece of s**t. I'm just the WS but for the twist of fate. Anyone else feel like this? Nope. Not me
Journee Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 (edited) Um, yikes? I understand. I have not been the perfect wife...in the aftermath of the affair coming to light, I really thought about our marriage and what could have led to this mess. And I remembered things I did, things I deeply regret. I am not sure, of reversed, if I would have even stayed in the marriage...but I didnt have an affair, so some may say it doesnt matter what I said/did...but it does. I pushed my husband away. The memories of how I treated him when I felt lost on how to respond to his drinking...well, the words I said, etc. I found myself crying and feeling like such a b***h. How could I treat someone I love like that? I pushed my husband away in a similar fashion. We separated a year before his A. I hurt him badly but I justified my reluctance to let him love me. Then OW woman came along. 8 weeks later we both had a decision to make. Defecate or get off the pot. We moved back in together after the birth of our youngest. It's still hard but mostly because I know what a major role I played in all of this. I asked myself too how I could treat someone who loved me so poorly. FOO issues and old resentments from our R and M. Shame on me and shame on him. It would have been easy for H to decide to not reconcile. We already had been through the hard part. We didn't live together and were both holding resentments. We chose one another. I don't like that it happened but I get it. I finally get it. Could it have been me? If H treated me in the fashion I did him during our separation...I'm afraid to answer.... Edited April 15, 2013 by Journee
krazikat Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 I pushed my husband away in a similar fashion. We separated a year before his A. I hurt him badly but I justified my reluctance to let him love me. Then OW woman came along. 8 weeks later we both had a decision to make. Defecate or get off the pot. We moved back in together after the birth of our youngest. It's still hard but mostly because I know what a major role I played in all of this. I asked myself too how I could treat someone who loved me so poorly. FOO issues and old resentments from our R and M. Shame on me and shame on him. It would have been easy for H to decide to not reconcile. We already had been through the hard part. We didn't live together and were both holding resentments. We chose one another. I don't like that it happened but I get it. I finally get it. Could it have been me? If H treated me in the fashion I did him during our separation...I'm afraid to answer.... Oh yes, the holding resentments...thats exactly it. He resented me for a relationship I had with another man before we were married during a time we werent together. It was a brief relationship that ended as soon as my now husband found out and I saw the pain i caused him...I mean, I literally broke him....that is when his drinking began. I later found out he had been planning to propose to me before he found out about om. He tried to forgive, proposed almost 2 years later, but he still had resentment and still didnt trust me. Om had been a co.worker, and so my h was always on edge when I went on business trips, etc. I had resentment about his drinking and his distrust, since I didnt actually cheat on him, I never would. A recipe for disaster. My way to deal was to be a b**ch...damn it hurts to just think about it now. It could have been me. even if I say I would never cheat...could I? Oh Journee, it is a hard thing to realize, isnt it. Sheesh. But now we can fix it... 1
96nole Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Twist of fate that WS had the misfortune to be in the wrong place at the wrong time when a serial cheater was also. Had I been in the sights of a serial cheater before WS, would I have done what WS did? I think so. Oh, god. Am I understanding this correctly, you're beating yourself up over the hypothetical that IF you were in the sights of a serial cheater, you MIGHT have cheated? Would the moon, stars, and planets need to be aligned also? Stop beating yourself up over a hypothetical. You weren't in the situation. You didn't cheat. Wrong place, wrong time isn't an excuse to cheat. Your WS should have just walked away. They weren't forced to cheat. 3
Author Confused48 Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 I'm sorry for you both that you feel some actions you took are regretted now as source of motivation for your WS to cheat. I'm sure that is a terrible feeling. My feeling is different. I know now after reading "not just friends" how my WS or I could have gotten messed up in an affair. But worse. I recall things like the time I was away on business. I spent the day in near proximity to an interesting person of the opposite sex. Then, by chance, while out to dinner with the people from my company, we ran into this person with people from that company. We all ate together. A very long dinner with drinks after. I sat across from the attractive interesting person. We could not take our eyes off each other. We talked about such deep and intense subjects. The chemistry was so obvious. Now neither I nor this person were serial cheaters or even inclined to try to make something untoward happen. But had this person pursued me vigorously, what would be the result? Now, knowing what I know now, I'm pretty sure I'd be very resistant. But then, that night, I'd probably have been an easy target. I feel sick thinking about it.
Author Confused48 Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 Am I understanding this correctly, you're beating yourself up over the hypothetical that IF you were in the sights of a serial cheater, you MIGHT have cheated? Would the moon, stars, and planets need to be aligned also? Stop beating yourself up over a hypothetical. You weren't in the situation. You didn't cheat. Wrong place, wrong time isn't an excuse to cheat. Your WS should have just walked away. They weren't forced to cheat. Thanks 96. I'm great at beating myself up. I need to be told to stop it. Thanks. 2
waterwoman Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Hey confused, I was there too. 19 years ago I had what I know now was an EA with a co-worker. It never progressed beyond long meaningful conversations and walks in our lunch hour - we never even kissed. Then one day he told me he loved me and was leaving his GF and he was prepared to wait while I divorced H. I ran. Left my job. But if it had carried on in the low key level, slowly building in intensity I don't know how it would have turned out eventually. H's affair never got that 'F*ck me, what am I doing??' moment so it carried on a little further. flowers - adult men and women are not children - they have more weapons in their armoury than children. They can voice their disatisfaction, they can try to fix it, they can divorce, they have resources. Children most often don't.
96nole Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 I'm sorry for you both that you feel some actions you took are regretted now as source of motivation for your WS to cheat. I'm sure that is a terrible feeling. My feeling is different. I know now after reading "not just friends" how my WS or I could have gotten messed up in an affair. But worse. I recall things like the time I was away on business. I spent the day in near proximity to an interesting person of the opposite sex. Then, by chance, while out to dinner with the people from my company, we ran into this person with people from that company. We all ate together. A very long dinner with drinks after. I sat across from the attractive interesting person. We could not take our eyes off each other. We talked about such deep and intense subjects. The chemistry was so obvious. Now neither I nor this person were serial cheaters or even inclined to try to make something untoward happen. But had this person pursued me vigorously, what would be the result? Now, knowing what I know now, I'm pretty sure I'd be very resistant. But then, that night, I'd probably have been an easy target. I feel sick thinking about it. STOP IT!!! Nothing happened. Just because you thought that person was attractive and interesting doesn't mean you cheated or would have. You did not cheat. You did not pursue. 1
Author Confused48 Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 STOP IT!!! Nothing happened. Just because you thought that person was attractive and interesting doesn't mean you cheated or would have. You did not cheat. You did not pursue. LOL, ok. Officially attempting to stop it. But,,, to clarify, my WS did not pursue. MY WS was pursued and resisted, a long time. I'm not sure I'm even that good. I was not pursued and had I been pursued I bet I would have crumbled pretty quick.
Silly_Girl Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 LOL, ok. Officially attempting to stop it. But,,, to clarify, my WS did not pursue. MY WS was pursued and resisted, a long time. I'm not sure I'm even that good. I was not pursued and had I been pursued I bet I would have crumbled pretty quick. I think that's a really mature attitude to have. Sometimes it's not very 'welcome' on the board because there can be posters who accept nothing less than self-flagellation and mental torture; but we're all individuals trying to get through life and sometimes sh*t happens. Sometimes people set out to hurt others, and sometimes they really, really don't. And we all make mistakes. I like your thread because it's so refreshing.
Furious Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 LOL, ok. Officially attempting to stop it. But,,, to clarify, my WS did not pursue. MY WS was pursued and resisted, a long time. I'm not sure I'm even that good. I was not pursued and had I been pursued I bet I would have crumbled pretty quick. Your wife, like many women may have been pursued but that's not an excuse. I'm pretty sure many betrayed spouses have been hit on, pursued, tempted. The thing is cheating is more about the person and their issues in choosing to cheat. It's a choice, not a mistake or something that just happened. 2
Author Confused48 Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 BNB & Furious Ok, I think you are getting this to where it needs to be. See, I'm saying (and this could be true for others reading here) that I'm just not as good a person as you two. I would certainly be resistant to an A now, having suffered the way I have. But before this, no. I don't think I'd have been any better than my WS. So I guess there is no point to this thread after all. What can you say to someone like that, like me? Someone that had to learn this the hard way. Someone that lacked integrity. So much for not bashing myself. Ugh!
96nole Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 BNB & Furious Ok, I think you are getting this to where it needs to be. See, I'm saying (and this could be true for others reading here) that I'm just not as good a person as you two. I would certainly be resistant to an A now, having suffered the way I have. But before this, no. I don't think I'd have been any better than my WS. So I guess there is no point to this thread after all. What can you say to someone like that, like me? Someone that had to learn this the hard way. Someone that lacked integrity. So much for not bashing myself. Ugh! Who are you referring to as "someone that lacked integrity"? You or your WS? Again, you're still playing in the hypothetical world. That maybe, possibly, potentially, conceivably, perhaps, you probably would have cheated if given the right time, the right AP, and the right barometric pressure. The reality is, you did not. So why are you trying to claim that you are not as good a person as BNB or Furious? Did you cheat in the past? I just scanned through your past postings and didn't see any mention of it. I never met face to face with my ex's OM. Because there was a damn good chance I would have killed the SOB. Given the right circumstance, I would have. But since it didn't happen, I'm not running out and turning myself over to the police. Stop punishing yourself for a crime you did not commit. 1
Furious Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 BNB & Furious Ok, I think you are getting this to where it needs to be. See, I'm saying (and this could be true for others reading here) that I'm just not as good a person as you two. I would certainly be resistant to an A now, having suffered the way I have. But before this, no. I don't think I'd have been any better than my WS. So I guess there is no point to this thread after all. What can you say to someone like that, like me? Someone that had to learn this the hard way. Someone that lacked integrity. So much for not bashing myself. Ugh! You're hurt and angry....so you internalize that pain and instead of celebrating yourself you beat yourself up. You didn't cheat, but so what if you could have but never did. I really doubt you could have cheated, you don't sound like someone who could look themselves in the mirror if you ever did. I bet you'd confess the very next day and beat yourself up for the rest of your life if you did. You don't have the essential personalty to be a cheater, you think too much and have a conscious. 1
Author Confused48 Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 Who are you referring to as "someone that lacked integrity"? You or your WS? Again, you're still playing in the hypothetical world. That maybe, possibly, potentially, conceivably, perhaps, you probably would have cheated if given the right time, the right AP, and the right barometric pressure. The reality is, you did not. So why are you trying to claim that you are not as good a person as BNB or Furious? Did you cheat in the past? I just scanned through your past postings and didn't see any mention of it. I never met face to face with my ex's OM. Because there was a damn good chance I would have killed the SOB. Given the right circumstance, I would have. But since it didn't happen, I'm not running out and turning myself over to the police. Stop punishing yourself for a crime you did not commit. I'm referring to myself as lacking integrity. Being no better than WS. No I did not have an affair. I did think about having an affair. Some very specific thoughts. I did NOT think it would not be a horrible thing. I've changed now though I guess is the thing I can cling to. By seeing my WS as having been horrible, immoral, totally cruel and heartless and etc and etc I see I was too. I was all that. And I don't want to be like that. And 96 you keep saying stop punishing myself. I think that is the worst thing I'm doing. Even if it is a crime I committed, i.e.: thinking that to have an affair might be ok, still, what is the point of beating myself up. Just learn from it. Just be better from it. Right?
Author Confused48 Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 You're hurt and angry....so you internalize that pain and instead of celebrating yourself you beat yourself up. You didn't cheat, but so what if you could have but never did. I really doubt you could have cheated, you don't sound like someone who could look themselves in the mirror if you ever did. I bet you'd confess the very next day and beat yourself up for the rest of your life if you did. You don't have the essential personalty to be a cheater, you think too much and have a conscious. Thanks Furious. I don't deserve half the compliments or confidence you have in me but maybe a few things you say above are true. 1
96nole Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Thanks Furious. I don't deserve half the compliments or confidence you have in me but maybe a few things you say above are true. Why not?......... 1
Furious Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Thanks Furious. I don't deserve half the compliments or confidence you have in me but maybe a few things you say above are true. I think you want to fast track your reconciliation and if painting yourself black and shouting to the world...I MAY HAVE OR COULD HAVE BEEN A CHEATER TOO, may alleviate the trauma your going through. Yeah that's true, everyone can possibly cheat, just like everyone could possibly rob a bank, or steal candy from a baby. The thing is you didn't cheat, so why are you sentencing yourself to life prison. Cheaters think affairs are miracles, something so special and rare. The truth is cheating is not rocket science, and fat or skinny, short or tall, young or old, cheaters come in all sizes and it ain't a miracle. It's just common sense, good self esteem and recognizing we're only human and we either choose to cheat or not. 2
Author Confused48 Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 Why not?......... Since I've opened that can of worms already I will lay it out for you. See below. You didn't cheat, but so what if you could have but never did. True, I accept this one. I really doubt you could have cheated, you don't sound like someone who could look themselves in the mirror if you ever did. Not true. I could have and am sure I would have if hotly pursued. No doubt about that. If I did, then yes the rest is likely true. So maybe half true for this one. I likely would have been very hard on myself about that. Just as my WS is being. We are very similar people it turns out. I bet you'd confess the very next day and beat yourself up for the rest of your life if you did. No, I'd probably have done what WS did. Keep it a secret as long as possible. But then at the same time I'd be beating myself up about it. So maybe half true again on this one. You don't have the essential personalty to be a cheater, you think too much and have a conscious. I sure wish that were true. I'm very conscientious. I think of myself as honorable and fair. In a LOT of ways but I had this huge blind spot. I thought I could have an affair and it would be ok. That was me. I justified it in my mind. I thought WS had an affair while we were dating and before we were married and so I thought I've got a free pass. That's the kind of person I was. Now you all know. Thank goodness this is anonymous!
Author Confused48 Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 Why did you think he had an affair? I'm still not sure it was not. Right now I think it was not b/c WS has come clean about tons of stuff that WS did not have to tell me. There was the admission of coming close after I found some evidence. I'd rather not be specific about the evidence b/c I've been on LS long enough to know that to give these specifics would cause many people here to tell me I'm an idiot if I don't immediately understand it was a full blown PA. And back before WS confessed to all the stuff that WS did not have to tell me, that I would never be able to find out otherwise, back then I did not believe WS that it was close to being an affair but did not end up becoming an affair. Still, now, I understand that even if it was an affair, I was having some really faulty logic to think I should get a free pass if I had an affair myself. I'm catching myself here from beating myself up again. I'm just going to see it as a growth experience. I'm not having further thoughts of having an affair even though now I know for sure WS had an affair. So I grew. I'm not going to beat myself up for who I was back then. I'm tempted though!
96nole Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 I sure wish that were true. I'm very conscientious. I think of myself as honorable and fair. In a LOT of ways but I had this huge blind spot. I thought I could have an affair and it would be ok. That was me. I justified it in my mind. I thought WS had an affair while we were dating and before we were married and so I thought I've got a free pass. That's the kind of person I was. Now you all know. Thank goodness this is anonymous! There is a huge difference between thinking something is OK and actually doing it. You're punishing yourself too much for a simple thought. You thought it would be OK. Fine, then why didn't you do it? What stopped you? Why didn't you pursue it with the attractive and interesting person at the restaurant? Had you been actively looking for an AP before your WS had an affair?
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