TheFriend Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Does anyone think there is harm in letting an ex know that you miss them? I know some of us are months out of our relationships and I know I am not alone feeling this. Please give me some advice. Thanks.
McGriff Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 DON'T DO IT! I did that initially, and it just gives them more power over you. They haven't done anything to deserve an ego boost from you, and if anything, it lets them know they still have you on a string. Don't do that to yourself. IF you get back into a relationship with them, then you can tell them how much you missed them during the break. Again, please don't do it. 7
Cogee Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 I'm personally not seeing anything positive that could result from this. 1
westjames111 Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 I want to so bad. I was actually just thinking about that right now, and that's the reason I got on right now. I just want to text and apologize, tell her how much I treasured our time together, and miss her. I wont let myself do it though. I have been on no contact for over 4 weeks, and in the end its just not worth it. 1
ThatJustHappened Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Very bad idea. Here's why: 1. You'll feel like crap if s/he doesn't reply. 2. You'll feel like crap if s/he does reply but doesn't reciprocate. 3. You'll feel like crap if s/he DOES reciprocate but doesn't want to get back together. 4. You'll feel like crap if s/he reciprocates, you get back together, and then s/he dumps you again because none of the issues you two had have been solved. The only way you won't feel like crap is if the fairytale happens and s/he wants you back, marries you, and you live happily ever after. But, be honest...how likely is that? 5
Author TheFriend Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 Not too sure if apologizing is a good move:/ but I am not sure still about the simple "I miss you". I think apologies give more power especially if you really didn't do anything. If you are like me the time has made you evaluate everything and has you second guessing everything you did. But hey would you really know that now if you wernt broken up? I am guessing your like me and got left unexpectedly?
ThatJustHappened Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Not too sure if apologizing is a good move:/ but I am not sure still about the simple "I miss you". I think apologies give more power especially if you really didn't do anything. If you are like me the time has made you evaluate everything and has you second guessing everything you did. But hey would you really know that now if you wernt broken up? I am guessing your like me and got left unexpectedly? No, apologizing when you haven't done anything wrong makes you a pathetic wuss. Don't. Even if you do decide to contact him/her, don't apologize if you haven't done anything wrong. 1
soccerrprp Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 It's clear that you haven't moved on. Do you think it's wise to continue living bound within her wake? As ThatJustHappened says, you may feel like crap no matter what happens by contacting her again. Keep NC. Move on and heal.
McGriff Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 You will do what you wanna do, but I GUARANTEE its not gonna help you. And think about it---the fact that you miss her is natural, we all miss our gf/bf when the BU with us, but why the need to TELL them? You know why? Because you think (and me and everyone else pining for their ex) that it somehow going to shake them up and want to come back to you. Well, I speak from experience, and it just ain't gonna happen. It has the opposite effect of what you are trying to do. It's so hard to reach someone when they are blinded by heartbreak, I know---I was there. No one could tell me anything, I was gonna do what I was gonna do because that's what my heart was telling me. I've learned alot from these boards, and these people have really good advice. I'll bet you everyone on here will tell you not to do it, for obvious reasons. I understand the feelings and desperation of wanting to reach out, but just try and find something else to do til they pass. 2
all_cats_rgray Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 I always dream if my ex (dumper) said Ex: "I missed you" Me: " Of course you did, I'm awesome" I'd say get busy, and it does help... As busy as you can be.... the minutes before you pass out are of them. But if you get busy enough for a long time...that goes away (don't be sadden by that line) you need your sanity and life back. 1
LoveB86 Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 All I know is I am not saying or doing anything unless he comes to my front door apologizing and wanting me back. Letting them know you miss them is a waste of damn time IMO. 3
Am4Real Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 What would James Bond do? :rolleyes: You will do what you wanna do, but I GUARANTEE its not gonna help you. And think about it---the fact that you miss her is natural, we all miss our gf/bf when the BU with us, but why the need to TELL them? You know why? Because you think (and me and everyone else pining for their ex) that it somehow going to shake them up and want to come back to you. Well, I speak from experience, and it just ain't gonna happen. It has the opposite effect of what you are trying to do. It's so hard to reach someone when they are blinded by heartbreak, I know---I was there. No one could tell me anything, I was gonna do what I was gonna do because that's what my heart was telling me. I've learned alot from these boards, and these people have really good advice. I'll bet you everyone on here will tell you not to do it, for obvious reasons. I understand the feelings and desperation of wanting to reach out, but just try and find something else to do til they pass. 2
McGriff Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Am4real, Haha--my boy James Bond! He would never say I miss you. Ever! 1
Damsel in Distress Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Does anyone think there is harm in letting an ex know that you miss them? I know some of us are months out of our relationships and I know I am not alone feeling this. Please give me some advice. Thanks. I agree with everybody else that it's absolutely a bad idea. My question is why you think it would be a good idea to let your ex know you miss her? Do you think it will break the ice for a conversation? Remind her that you are alive? Make her feel nostalgic and want you back? It's absolutely normal to still miss her, but imagine from her viewpoint - she's left you, she's really hoping that you are accepting the breakup and healing. And you come a month later saying you miss her. She's most likely going to think, "ugh, I wish he could just get over it". She doesn't want to feel worse about it, she just wants it to go away. And as a dumpee, you lost power - the decision to end the relationship was not your decision. Staying out of contact and healing yourself is the only way to regain power. And if you tell her you miss her, you are handing over what little bit of power you have. Hang in there. I am also having an urge to contact, and that's why I logged on. I don't want to say I miss him though! I don't see any good from that. But I'm just really annoyed and bewildered that in one day he went from being my boyfriend and best friend, to the next day I've never heard from him again and don't think I will ever hear from him again. When he left it open as if we'd be in touch, he'd be online, etc. I'm just very hurt and bewildered by how he handled this. I'm like destroyed4sho - I still want to process the breakup. But in truth, I'm sure my ex is completely avoiding me ebcause he knows I want to process it further - and he doesn't want to. He has nothing more to say. GRRRR. Anyway, hang in there, and try to remind yourself that your ex will NOT feel sympathetic to you if you say you miss her! She will more likely think, "please. it's over. move on." Even if she did act sympathic - do you really want her pity? Stay strong! and keep the power! 2
anna121 Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Does anyone think there is harm in letting an ex know that you miss them? I know some of us are months out of our relationships and I know I am not alone feeling this. Please give me some advice. Thanks. We've all been there. If you're basically still addicted, and after a hit, it will be bad. Now, sometimes, you ARE moving on. You might even be in a new relationship, and happy. And, guess what, one night you feel a bit nostalgic and want to reach out to someone from your past. Don't do it then, either. 1
Author TheFriend Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 It defiantly feels like an addiction. It is awful! I don't even know if i miss her or if i miss the thought or what the hell my deal is. There are moments when I am totally fine, then kaboom, here comes a grey cloud over me and a little evil voice in the back of my mind saying" text her!!! Do it! Do it! Has anyone gotten back with and ex months later? If so was it weird? Did it even feel like the same person/feelings/relationship? I think I am obsessing about the thought more then the person anymore. It really drives me crazy!
Damsel in Distress Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 There are moments when I am totally fine, then kaboom, here comes a grey cloud over me and a little evil voice in the back of my mind saying" text her!!! Do it! Do it! I just want to say this same thing happens to me! I'm about two months out, and honestly I'm feeling better... but I have that same evil voice saying the same thing to me!!! Almost the exact same words!! "Do it! Do it!!" I really identify with how you described it!! I have a busy life, and when I'm busy or with other people I'm not thinking about him much. But give me a quiet moment, and little thoughts and memories hit me, or I'll think to myself, dammit, has he really ignored me for two months??? And I have this unbearable compulsion to call! I hate feeling like my stronghold is so fragile. I can be feeling so strong and telling myself that ex will eventually feel sad that he lost ME, the best thing that had ever happened to him, and knowing that he has some real issues with relationships (I am seeing a pattern in his past relationships that he tried to warn me about before- HIS issues)... but then I have a brief moment of letting my thoughts slide and I'm reliving wonderful moments of the past when i felt so secure with him and felt totally and equally in love... which makes me then feel so bewildered that he could move on and never speak to me again.. which makes me DESPERATE to contact him!!!! t's so hard to be so powerless. Can somebody who used to be in contact constantly really suddenly not care enough to check in at all. Apparently so! My ex has been NC the whole two months. I tried calling twice that first week, and when he didn't pick up or call back, I realized he's avoiding me. And I'm stunned that two months later he's still avoiding me. How can he do that?? I think about his caring and kindness and NEED to be in contact before... and poof, he's completely transferred that to somebody else just like that. It's sad. Anyway, gosh it's late and I'm not able to stay on topic here, lol. But I just wanted to say I know that feeling!! But don't give into it!!! You have to stay strong - for yourself.. and contacting the ex will only set you back, and will not help mend the relationship. She broke it off, the ball's in her court - there is nothing you can do to get the ball back, and especially not by telling her you want it back! Stay strong and thank you for sharing your experience with that evil voice saying "Do it!!" that's exactly what mine says, but we have to ignore it!
Cogee Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 I'll always remember that accidental message you sent Damsel. The "I need help!" one from the app. Brings a smile to my face every time I think about it. I think that was your inner voice trying to make you laugh and stop thinking about sending a text because of how it might be perceived. 1
Damsel in Distress Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Cogee, your posts are always so perceptive and expressed so well - I really enjoy reading your comments and have a lot of respect for your opinions. What a great point - the app made it extreme, but yes, ANY message I would send is basically saying "I need" ... and that is NOT the message he wants to hear or I want to send. After the initial horror of seeing I accidentally sent him the "I need help!" panic alert from the phone in my back pocket (!!!), I definitely found the humor in it and get a giggle every time I think about it What a story! And I have absolutely not sent any (intentional!) texts. I have urges for sure, but when I try to draft a message, I can't find words that accomplish what I want...no matter what angle I choose or what words I use, it sounds whiny or hurt, or angry. So I realize there is really nothing I can say that will result in anything positive, and I must soldier on, continue to separate myself from him, and accept that I very well may never hear from him again, and that is probably for the best. 1
Am4Real Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 (edited) Damsel. to add to your overall perspective in this thread...once an EX has done or is prone to do something unexpected or unpredictable (like dropping out of sight, ignoring, etc) there is an underlying problem in that person's ability to both communicate and process issues in a fair and collective way. There is no issue with ending a relationship for me, but there is something inherently wrong and disturbing in simply "disappearing". We go searching for our runaway pets when they leave the house with all efforts so it makes perfect sense to me when a supposed dumpee does not receive the "final word" from the supposed dumper, does the dumpee begin to "search" and call out on the dumper for returning. Hence, for all of here who have had our EX's disappear without an official break up talk, it has to be one of hardest things in life to process. For me at least, the effort to control any contact at 8.5 weeks is excruciating. Our minds vary in so many directions. Just look at your explanation of how you are interpreting the disappearing of your EX (and mine) when you say "they ended the relationship". Its logical this is that what they did - right? Well, how many times have we gone through the "what if's" as well, telling ourselves it might have also been "this" or "that" or something else other than the obvious? See what I mean? If our pet ran out the door and didn't come back were they really hating our home that much and wanted to get away or did they naturally see something outside, chase it, and cannot find their way back. Silly analogy it is, but you can use it to extrapolate my point of uncertainty and its affect on our ability to process. This is the battle of the heart and the mind no doubt, however the mind in our case does not have clear information to process so it appears weak by comparison to the heart. I suppose the lesson in all of this applies to everyone as we may very well be the dumpers next time or another time in life. If you understand the pain and confusion people like Damsel and myself endure, we all owe it to anyone in a relationship with us in the future the benefit and respect of proper exit communication. If anything or anytime I am tempted to contact my EX, it is my recital of the above paragraph I most want to communicate. Anger? Maybe. Feeling settled in being the parent teaching a child (EX) how to act in life - most definitely. And like some of you, I'm here on LS at 4 AM because, yes, I'm wondering if my pet has lost her way and is trying to come home...I have a good heart, it just needs to further heal so my mind can become strong again. Thank you for letting me join this thread. Cogee, your posts are always so perceptive and expressed so well - I really enjoy reading your comments and have a lot of respect for your opinions. What a great point - the app made it extreme, but yes, ANY message I would send is basically saying "I need" ... and that is NOT the message he wants to hear or I want to send. After the initial horror of seeing I accidentally sent him the "I need help!" panic alert from the phone in my back pocket (!!!), I definitely found the humor in it and get a giggle every time I think about it What a story! And I have absolutely not sent any (intentional!) texts. I have urges for sure, but when I try to draft a message, I can't find words that accomplish what I want...no matter what angle I choose or what words I use, it sounds whiny or hurt, or angry. So I realize there is really nothing I can say that will result in anything positive, and I must soldier on, continue to separate myself from him, and accept that I very well may never hear from him again, and that is probably for the best. Edited April 15, 2013 by Am4Real 1
Damsel in Distress Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 There is no issue with ending a relationship for me, but there is something inherently wrong and disturbing in simply "disappearing". Exactly. The message I want to send is something about how the way he has handled this breakup is so much worse than the breakup itself. For me at least, the effort to control any contact at 8.5 weeks is excruciating. Our minds vary in so many directions. Just look at your explanation of how you are interpreting the disappearing of your EX (and mine) when you say "they ended the relationship". Its logical this is that what they did - right? Well, how many times have we gone through the "what if's" as well, telling ourselves it might have also been "this" or "that" or something else other than the obvious? See what I mean? The only thing that is keeping me half sane is that destroyed4sho suggested that I DID get a breakup talk. It certainly wasn't an effective one - he said "I'm confused but I'm not breaking up with you" and said to call any time. But I tell myself over and over that he did his best to break up with me, but he's just no capable of being any more direct than that. That said, of course my mind argues back with me - and I come up with other reasons why he's disappeared - our final words were me saying "thanks for talking this out with me" and him saying "Any time, Damsel, any time." Then silence? I mean, I have to interpret it as him no longer wanting to speak to me, but it does leave the mind open to other possibilities. If anything or anytime I am tempted to contact my EX, it is my recital of the above paragraph I most want to communicate. Anger? Maybe. Feeling settled in being the parent teaching a child (EX) how to act in life - most definitely. Yes, I want to tell him that just disappearing is cruel and if you are trying to avoid hurting somebody it's much better to be clear and honest. And that ignoring me doesn't make me disappear - I'm still here! But you know what, he KNOWS that. This is a quote from his last email - that he sent after abruptly falling off the face of the earth for 2.5 weeks: "I know you were very concerned about me. I thank you for that, and i apologize, but this is the way i deal with things. I know that it's a very bad side of me, but i can't help it." We spoke on the phone for a few hours after the email (my "breakup" talk), and then he fell back off the earth And like some of you, I'm here on LS at 4 AM because, yes, I'm wondering if my pet has lost her way and is trying to come home...I have a good heart, it just needs to further heal so my mind can become strong again. Funny thing you used this analogy. My kids' cat disappeared right around the same time as my breakup. The second day we were looking for the cat, and i noticed a bag on my front porch. I peeked int he bag and it was the cat's body - it was a huge shock! A few hours later we were burying it and I found a note INSIDE the bag and apparently somebody found his body already dead - apparently hit by a car. My friends were appalled that somebody would leave the cats body on our porch in a bag. But I was SO GRATEFUL that he did that... So much better to KNOW that he was dead than to be constantly wondering and guessing and waiting and hoping. And unfortunately thinking about my ex and how he has handled this, has given me an extreme urge to call him right now I know that he will not answer. But then I want to send a text saying "I'm beginning to think you will never speak to me again. Really? How can you do this after everything we have been through together? It's cruel and disrespectful. And ignoring me doesn't mean I disappear! The way you are handling this is much worse than the breakup itself :(" I know I won't send that text, but the urge to call him is so intense. Even though I say I know he won't answer, of course there's a part of me that is hopeful after this long maybe he will. that maybe at this point he's ashamed at having gone this long avoiding me an that if I make the first move he will be relieved. What kind of F'd up reasoning is that, but hey, the product of a crazed addicted mind. I've somehow got to find strength not to call him I know I'm appearing completely crazy, but believe me, these are thoughts I don't share with anybody else. In real life I look so sane!
thefooloftheyear Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Exactly. The message I want to send is something about how the way he has handled this breakup is so much worse than the breakup itself. The only thing that is keeping me half sane is that destroyed4sho suggested that I DID get a breakup talk. It certainly wasn't an effective one - he said "I'm confused but I'm not breaking up with you" and said to call any time. But I tell myself over and over that he did his best to break up with me, but he's just no capable of being any more direct than that. That said, of course my mind argues back with me - and I come up with other reasons why he's disappeared - our final words were me saying "thanks for talking this out with me" and him saying "Any time, Damsel, any time." Then silence? I mean, I have to interpret it as him no longer wanting to speak to me, but it does leave the mind open to other possibilities. Yes, I want to tell him that just disappearing is cruel and if you are trying to avoid hurting somebody it's much better to be clear and honest. And that ignoring me doesn't make me disappear - I'm still here! But you know what, he KNOWS that. This is a quote from his last email - that he sent after abruptly falling off the face of the earth for 2.5 weeks: "I know you were very concerned about me. I thank you for that, and i apologize, but this is the way i deal with things. I know that it's a very bad side of me, but i can't help it." We spoke on the phone for a few hours after the email (my "breakup" talk), and then he fell back off the earth Funny thing you used this analogy. My kids' cat disappeared right around the same time as my breakup. The second day we were looking for the cat, and i noticed a bag on my front porch. I peeked int he bag and it was the cat's body - it was a huge shock! A few hours later we were burying it and I found a note INSIDE the bag and apparently somebody found his body already dead - apparently hit by a car. My friends were appalled that somebody would leave the cats body on our porch in a bag. But I was SO GRATEFUL that he did that... So much better to KNOW that he was dead than to be constantly wondering and guessing and waiting and hoping. And unfortunately thinking about my ex and how he has handled this, has given me an extreme urge to call him right now I know that he will not answer. But then I want to send a text saying "I'm beginning to think you will never speak to me again. Really? How can you do this after everything we have been through together? It's cruel and disrespectful. And ignoring me doesn't mean I disappear! The way you are handling this is much worse than the breakup itself :(" I know I won't send that text, but the urge to call him is so intense. Even though I say I know he won't answer, of course there's a part of me that is hopeful after this long maybe he will. that maybe at this point he's ashamed at having gone this long avoiding me an that if I make the first move he will be relieved. What kind of F'd up reasoning is that, but hey, the product of a crazed addicted mind. I've somehow got to find strength not to call him I know I'm appearing completely crazy, but believe me, these are thoughts I don't share with anybody else. In real life I look so sane! You are not alone...It IS a tortuous journey..Its like how do you go from talking to someone every single day to poof-nothing...Its not you. Your brain is just fighting your will... Wash/rinse/repeat...ugh TFOY 1
destroyed4sho Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 they know they hurt you. they know your in pain. they know you miss them. tellig them is just an annoyance to them.
Emilia Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Does anyone think there is harm in letting an ex know that you miss them? I know some of us are months out of our relationships and I know I am not alone feeling this. Please give me some advice. Thanks. Depends on how it ended and how upset you are or (s)he is. I'm quite honest with my feelings towards those that deserve it
Recommended Posts