Contacting the OW

[confused4321]

I have a question about whether or not I should contact the OW. It has been about four months since the final D-day and about three months since he confessed a lot of the details of the affair. I had talked to her a couple of times during the affair and of course she lied to me and said nothing was going on. The last time I had contacted her was the day he finally admitted to the affair and this was only by text. I am not wanting to contact to her be mean, I just want to ask her a few questions. My question is, has it been too long now to try and contact her or is it just a really bad idea at this point?

[krazikat]

I have a question about whether or not I should contact the OW. It has been about four months since the final D-day and about three months since he confessed a lot of the details of the affair. I had talked to her a couple of times during the affair and of course she lied to me and said nothing was going on. The last time I had contacted her was the day he finally admitted to the affair and this was only by text. I am not wanting to contact to her be mean, I just want to ask her a few questions. My question is, has it been too long now to try and contact her or is it just a really bad idea at this point?

 

I contacted tow about a month after dday...and actually, tho there were some lies still, I found the conversation did help me and maybe her as well. She confirmed some things for me, also added some things that helped me know my h was being honest with me. Also, we apologized to each other for some harsh words that had been said during the aftermath of dday.

In the end, the call helped me have sympathy for her....she cried while we were talking, it was a very long conversation...hours actually. Just because of who I am, I have been tempted to call her just to see how she is doing (crazy, I know...she was so heart broke tho, I just feel bad for her...)

 

If you do decide to call tow, be prepared for some lies, and make sure you are going to be ok and able to digest what is said without going thru the agony of potential details. In my case, I think she was surprised by how much my wh had owned up to, as well as how much he misled her. I think she is a nice person, who got caught up in a bad situation. And I was able to truly forgive both her and my wh after that call.

[lynn1954]

Don't contact the OW.

 

The A is over now.

 

Focus on today.

 

Spend your time strengthening your rescued marriage instead of calling her.

[confused4321]

I am not sure what I am wanting to get out of talking to her. If she is telling me the truth then maybe it will help me know if he is being completely honest. Another part of me wants to know more about the person who took part in helping to tear apart my family. All my friends tell me it is a bad idea and that she is not worth it. I am just trying to see her as a person and not someone who set out to purposely do this. However, like I said I did talk to her while it was still going on and she knew what is was doing to not only me, but my daughter as well. I was just hoping that since it has been 4 months with NC from him that maybe she sees things more clearly now. I really don't know if I will ever contact her, but it almost kills me all the not knowing. I know I know need to focus on my relationship, but part of me feels like not talking to her is holding me back. I am a little scared that this could some how set me back and some people have told me that this could make her try to contact him again, but I don't think she would. During the A he was the one who done all the chasing.

[lynn1954]

Okay, how about this:

 

You seem like you're not sure if you want to call her or not, not sure if you should or not.

 

The advice here on the forum is mixed: maybe yes, maybe no.

 

How about if you tell yourself "Okay, I'm not sure if I should call her, so I'll just put it out of my mind for a few more months and not think about. After a few more months, I'll be able to see if I feel more sure about whether to call her or not"

 

That gives you some time, and prevents you from making a rash mistake that might set you back.

[who_am_i]

I am not sure what I am wanting to get out of talking to her. If she is telling me the truth then maybe it will help me know if he is being completely honest. Another part of me wants to know more about the person who took part in helping to tear apart my family. All my friends tell me it is a bad idea and that she is not worth it. I am just trying to see her as a person and not someone who set out to purposely do this. However, like I said I did talk to her while it was still going on and she knew what is was doing to not only me, but my daughter as well. I was just hoping that since it has been 4 months with NC from him that maybe she sees things more clearly now. I really don't know if I will ever contact her, but it almost kills me all the not knowing. I know I know need to focus on my relationship, but part of me feels like not talking to her is holding me back. I am a little scared that this could some how set me back and some people have told me that this could make her try to contact him again, but I don't think she would. During the A he was the one who done all the chasing.

 

As an xOW I would love for the BS to contact me. The last time we spoke I gave her news that turned her world upside down. Since then I have really done a lot of soul searching and I would give anything for the opportunity to apologize to her. I've thought many times about contacting her...but I'm scared to. I don't want to cause her any more pain.

 

As for her attempting to contact him after...I'd be surprised. I think that for a lot of OW there are equally as many unanswered questions. She may be just as curious about you as you are about her...I know I am. If she was ever to contact me and want to have an honest chat...all BS aside, I think that I would have a hard time continuing to believe that she was the cold hearted person he made her out to be and I'd hope she would see the same about me. After that, it would be almost impossible for me to go back to him after I was able to know her personally and see her pain.

 

All the best to you.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I also was one (fow) that answered questions very honestly (both times) - mind you she already knew the first time and didn't want me to tell my husband and after the first d-day we still continued to hang out as couples, go to church together, go to dinner, etc.

 

Anyway - I met with her and was completely honest with every question she asked me.

 

I guess it depends upon the person you are dealing with but it is very possible it could be helpful in piecing some things together.

 

I agree with LG on the site that spends all of their time demonizing the ow. I learned very quickly I wanted nothing to do with their hatred. Maybe that works for some but it did nothing for my healing.

[wanting more]

Are you sure there's been NC?? I think if you know for sure neither one contacted each other then I'd say call her. I believe if she's really stayed away then you have a pretty good shot at her talking and answering your questions. If there's nothing for her to hide (still seeing each other) I think she'd talk.

 

 

You don't know how she feels (and I know a lot of BSs don't care) but maybe she is feeling guilty but is scared to contact you

 

I think you'd probably be able to tell from the start if she is going to be honest with you or just lie.

 

We're not ALL crazy OW, but I do know there are some. If you think it'll help you, contact her. Just be prepared for either scenerio.

[wanting more]

I don't recommend it. You are bringing her back into your marriage if you do that. It will let her know she is still in both your heads and maybe make her think it would be a good time to contact him then. Remember she will have her own agenda and may not tell you the truth. She may make things up just to hurt you and cause trouble.

 

Or she may be honest and answer all questions asked

[krazikat]

You are painting a worse case scenario and echoing word for word that stuff that is spouted on "that" site I referred to.

 

Letting her into her marriage??? I'm sorry but that is ridiculous, if she is out, she is out. The ws is the one who invites her back in IF that happens, NOT the bs by talking to the ow.

 

What you have described is the exact same dynamic still at work that the ws sets up to start with, pitting the two women against each other and advice like the above just furthers that belief.

 

It is possible for the two women to actually have a conversation and talk like adults. I'm proof of that and I'm not the only one.

 

I agree with this. NC has been maintained since my contact with tow. Also, as I said in my initial response, the convo we had weeks after dday, even after the absolutely horrible convos we had during the immediate aftermath of dday, the last one was civil. She apologized, answered my questions, I answered hers, we talked for a long time all of it civil, learning more about each other and the A. It helped me so much to get over my anger, and to see her as a person. There were some lies, but overall it helped. And did not result in nc being broken. I think it helped her as well. She was so sad, crying, I even asked if she had anyone she could talk to for support as she heals.

 

Finding out that the man you love lied to you sucks...us bs know that of course. Tow also loved and hurts. So how they will react to you is unknown, so just know that and do what you need to do for you.

 

Affairs are horrible.

[wanting more]

Well, I can only go by the nasty OW I had to deal with. I'm not going to apologize for how I feel or what I believe. It is like any other advice on here, take it or leave it.

 

Well if I had to go by the crazy BS in my situation I'd be one bi*ch to every BS here. But Ive learned from reading here that not ALL BSs are like the one i'm still dealing with.

 

Maybe the OW in the OP thread is not like the one in your situation

[whichwayisup]

You could send her an email. Let her know that you're not looking to cause problems for her, you're not contacting her to fight or argue with her, that you just want to talk and hear her side of things during the A. Let her know the decision is up to her.

 

She may appreciate it, she may feel talking to you will help her feel better on some level, she may feel like she missed her opportunity to apologize to you.

 

Or she may get upset and either ignore your email or email back and be nasty, like you've opened up wounds for her. Four months of NC and healing has taken place.

 

If you aren't sure, don't contact her. Try your best to have faith that what counts is, your H is remorseful and only focusing on you, doing all that he can to be a better husband, better person all around. And he is loving you, appreciating you and your marriage, putting in 100 percent efforts daily. Sometimes it's best to leave the A behind especially if he truly is sincere and genuine right now with you.

[Summer Breeze]

You could send her an email. Let her know that you're not looking to cause problems for her, you're not contacting her to fight or argue with her, that you just want to talk and hear her side of things during the A. Let her know the decision is up to her.

 

She may appreciate it, she may feel talking to you will help her feel better on some level, she may feel like she missed her opportunity to apologize to you.

 

Or she may get upset and either ignore your email or email back and be nasty, like you've opened up wounds for her. Four months of NC and healing has taken place.

 

If you aren't sure, don't contact her. Try your best to have faith that what counts is, your H is remorseful and only focusing on you, doing all that he can to be a better husband, better person all around. And he is loving you, appreciating you and your marriage, putting in 100 percent efforts daily. Sometimes it's best to leave the A behind especially if he truly is sincere and genuine right now with you.

 

Bolded. I think this is something to consider. She may well not even open your email or answer your call for her own peace of mind. It's not that she's being a b!tch to you but taking care of herself or even afraid of why you're calling and not wanting to open herself up to any more drama. The one thing is that the longer you wait the more healing she's done and the further away she's moved from it.

 

I imagine someone will talk about the healing of the BS and I am not putting that in second place. From the perspective of the OW. She's been cut loose and not had someone doing their best to support her, make her feel wanted, taking care of her, saying over and over they love her. She's been alone and gone 4 months like that. It would be tough to have an xMMs W contact and open it all up again so you could do it all again. Alone.

 

There's a lot of conflicting advice here and at the end of it all you'll have to make your own decision. I wish you luck and I hope that if you do contact her you both can move forward.

[BetrayedH]

I am not sure what I am wanting to get out of talking to her. If she is telling me the truth then maybe it will help me know if he is being completely honest. Another part of me wants to know more about the person who took part in helping to tear apart my family. All my friends tell me it is a bad idea and that she is not worth it. I am just trying to see her as a person and not someone who set out to purposely do this. However, like I said I did talk to her while it was still going on and she knew what is was doing to not only me, but my daughter as well. I was just hoping that since it has been 4 months with NC from him that maybe she sees things more clearly now. I really don't know if I will ever contact her, but it almost kills me all the not knowing. I know I know need to focus on my relationship, but part of me feels like not talking to her is holding me back. I am a little scared that this could some how set me back and some people have told me that this could make her try to contact him again, but I don't think she would. During the A he was the one who done all the chasing.

 

I think that if it feels like it is holding you back, then it is worth exploring. I know the extraordinary need to just know wtf is the truth. Not knowing was crazy making. So if someone can be a source of information, why torture yourself over avoiding it? Just ask.

 

Of course, she could just lie like crazy and you have to account for that. Take what she says with a grain of salt unless it is verifiable. But at the same time, you might glean insights that you never expected.

 

Your fear seems to be that it could, I don't know, restart the affair or something. Look, if that's possible just from you two chatting then you're best to know it so you can dump your unreliable husband.

 

But I am one to confront my fears head-on. Screw the cowering and wimpering. I didn't do crap to deserve this crap. I'll ask what questions I want and if people don't like it, they can screw off. Of course, it's also easy to say since I'm on this end of my phone. Just my $.02 really.

[2sure]

I think the timing of four months out is good , since it's true that time may offer some clarity of thinking to both yourself and OW.

 

I completely understand your wanting to understand her motives and her thinking so that you can put away any anger toward her. You might expect to be able to do that if you have been reading posts from some of the current and former OW here.

 

But. Big BUT. How did she seem in your previous conversation with her? Did she remain vague or was she able to be honest with you?

 

The fact that you personally told her she was hurting you and your family. And I'm assuming you told her to stop ...and she didn't. That's telling.

When everything is on the table and we tell someone to get out of our lives directly and they don't...that's something else altogether.

 

This is bad advice of course, what works for me is often not for others. I get over my anger more easily by telling someone what I personally think of them.

I'm sure it isn't important to them, but I'm heard.

[krazikat]

I feel the need to amend my post now...tow called me yesterday morning, weeks after our "final" conversation, and tried to fill my head with new lies. She was spinning some crazy tales, and I almost fell for her game. Until I realized she was not only contradicting herself, but her claims were outlandish...

 

So, now I dont know what was fact vs. fiction at all from what she told me in the prior convo, but I had already known some had been lies...what her most recent contact did was allow me to know I cant believe anything she said. Which, considering how much my H has told me about the A and her, lets me believe him. I had already decided on R before the last convo several weeks ago, the point in the convo had been for me to be able to let go of my anger at her.

 

Her call yesterday also confirmed she is hurting and getting desperate...and that my husband is thru with her. So I still stand behind the communication with her as a way to help me heal, own up to my crazy after dday, and move forward. The call yesterday confirmed I have done just that.

 

I just wanted to give an update, and like I originally said, be prepared for lies, also be prepared for her hurt and anger.

 

And do what you need to do to move forward.

 

Wishing you the best in whatever choice you make.

[Praying4Peace]

 

What you have described is the exact same dynamic still at work that the ws sets up to start with, pitting the two women against each other and advice like the above just furthers that belief.

 

 

Talk to her. Ask the questions. Remember you might not like what you hear. Don't take it out on her over the phone.

 

I don't know why BS are convinced that OW will lie about things that happened. Obviously you are going to cross check it with your husband. I would never want to look like a total psycho making stuff up. She probably won't want your H to hate her and making up stories out of the blue would do that.

 

I really wish women would talk to each other more. Then you get to see MM crap his pants a little too...and ya know what? That isn't a bad thing for Reconciliation!

[krazikat]

Talk to her. Ask the questions. Remember you might not like what you hear. Don't take it out on her over the phone.

 

I don't know why BS are convinced that OW will lie about things that happened. Obviously you are going to cross check it with your husband. I would never want to look like a total psycho making stuff up. She probably won't want your H to hate her and making up stories out of the blue would do that.

 

I really wish women would talk to each other more. Then you get to see MM crap his pants a little too...and ya know what? That isn't a bad thing for Reconciliation!

 

In my experience, tow did lie...outlandishly. But, I am still solidly in the camp that recommends contact...and I still think that not every ow will lie...but it is true some do and the bs never knows what brand of ow they are in for...

 

I also wish the women would talk more, and honestly at that. MM has probably spun a few tales to both, and tho it hurts to face, I think in the right mindset it still helps. But it would be naive for bs to not to be prepared just in case.

[Confused48]

Was the OW married or involved? If she was you would probably get more of everything of benefit to you from the other BS than from her.

 

If not, well the OW herself might benefit from talking to you. From humanizing you. She might learn and grow. Or she might turn into your worst nightmare. There are risks.

[confused4321]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I still am not sure what I will end up doing, but it was great getting to hear from both sides of this situation. I just heard today that things are not going so great for her and I wish I could be happy that her life is not going so well either, but I honestly feel bad for her. I haven't figured out if the affair had anything to do with her bad luck, but it could have been a contributing factor. It's a long story so I won't go into it, but I think right now could be a really bad time to try and contact her. She could be very angry about how things are going and take it out on me. So for now I guess I will just have to keep wondering and hope as time passes I will think less and less of her and be able to let it go.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Also because I can see this from both sides I never had a conversation with my husbands xow. It's been a year and a half since the affair ended (I think) and there are days (especially in light of the contact recently) that I have toyed with calling her. But then I think, why? What am I going to do with the information she gives me? It's possible it will be identical to my husbands information and its likely it could be completely opposite and then what do I do? I have to choose who to believe?

 

It's a real puzzle....

[krazikat]

Didn't you say your OW nd your H were on drugs, would not that have made everything a bit crazy?

 

It depends on how long the affair was as to whether she is able to talk about it. I wanted to talk to BS when we started to get really involved but she never answered the phone. I would never have lied to her during the affair. However if we ended, four months down the line, I would not want to talk to her. Better just after. Just my opinion.

 

Yes, there were drugs involved, and yes, that takes the crazy up a notch. My h stopped all after dday, to work on himself to heal our marriage. I am not sure what her status is, but could see her maybe being on something when I talked to her, I just dont know.

 

The A lasted over 4 years, but had ended before dday. But that is still a long time and they were still talking, so she probably had hope they would be together again. Dday has basically assured that now it is NC....I definately require NC as part of my decision to R. But really, all around crazy situation...I dont know if you have read my thread about the details of A, but ugly and unfortunate all around.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

The last piece of advice I would give you if you contact her is to meet her face to face - in a coffee shop or something - that is what I did when his bs asked to meet me. I believe it is more telling and you can read more if you are having face to face discussion. It's possible she might not tell all of the truth, but I hate to say it - she will give you SOME truth because let's face it - as the wayward (I was one too) you tend to not tell the whole truth - some to protect yourself and some to protect your spouse as well.

 

The reality is in knowing the WHOLE truth - no matter how painful - you can then begin at ground zero and make clear decisions from there.

 

I guess that is why I have never really pursued contacting my husbands xow yet - I am a little fearful that I will get truth that he hasn't yet disclosed to me and I'm not sure i m ready to face it. Because other than those people who are really sociopaths or out and out liars, you are going to get some truth for sure.

 

Just be ready...

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Yes, there were drugs involved, and yes, that takes the crazy up a notch. My h stopped all after dday, to work on himself to heal our marriage. I am not sure what her status is, but could see her maybe being on something when I talked to her, I just dont know.

 

The A lasted over 4 years, but had ended before dday. But that is still a long time and they were still talking, so she probably had hope they would be together again. Dday has basically assured that now it is NC....I definately require NC as part of my decision to R. But really, all around crazy situation...I dont know if you have read my thread about the details of A, but ugly and unfortunate all around.

 

I am amazed by your story. I cannot even begin to understand all that goes into a wayward's thinking (and I was one), but I know I wouldn't have been involved in a big drug scene. What a scary thing this must have been for both you AND for him - yikes.

[ladydesigner]

The only reason I contacted the MOW was to let her know that I knew about the A she was having with my WH. Of course they both denied it.

 

The MOW was very mean to me. She told me that I was the one who damaged my M and that everything is smoke and mirrors (alluding to the fact that I don't even know the half of it). She also claimed to not be ashamed of her actions.

 

She actually gave me the choice (she worked for my WH) of letting her keep her job vs. letting me have my WH (I kid you not). Guess what she got? Neither.

 

Sometimes the contact isn't what you hope for and I think most OW/OM will lie to protect the MM/MW. Other times you may end up with the truth. I would definitely prepare myself for either though.