tuxedo cat Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 (edited) In thinking about why I have this anxiety when I'm dating somebody new, I realized that a lot of it stems from an experience I had several years ago that still haunts me. I was in an intense relationship with this guy for a few months. We had our ups and downs but I loved him and he told me he loved me and was committed to me. He struggled with depression and lost his job due to his erratic behavior at work. I tried to be supportive of him in the best way that I could. In retrospect I should have ended things but I was less experienced at the time and didn't know what was normal. Throughout this he kept telling me how important I was to him. One day we were having a friendly text conversation planning our next date and without a word he cut me off. He didn't say anything. He just stopped responding. I called him a few times after this, afraid something had happened to him. When a few days had passed I finally sent him a text asking if he would just let me know if this was the end so I could have some closure. Nothing. He completely disappeared. Three weeks later he changed his relationship status and put up photo of himself smiling straight into the camera. It was eerie looking at that photo. That was years ago and I haven't ever heard from him since, nor have I tried to contact him. I've tried to move on but part of me still feels an ache in my heart when I think about him. And honestly there isn't a week that passes by that I don't. It's not as if I miss him anymore--I don't. I realize he's a jerk and it's good riddance and all that, but it's like this wound that won't completely heal. I have a therapist and I've spoken to her about it but she just tells me to distract myself, which I've done. Any ideas about how to forget him? Edited April 14, 2013 by tuxedo cat
lynn1954 Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 I have a LOT of sympathy for you. Not because I had the same type of boyfriend problem, but because I had the same problem of holding on to regrets of all kinds. It takes a lot of work to learn to think in the present moment and stop hurting from previous experience. Here's what helped me: read as much as you can about the topic of "dealing with regrets". Search the Internet, get books from library, bookstore, etc. For me, it took a lot of talking to myself and repeating sentences such as "Work on being happy today" and "Fill your head with today's facts not yesterday's facts" and "You can choose to be happy today regardless of what happened before". There's so much great info out there about regrets, too much to list here. You can absolutely get over your past hurt and be happy today. Keep trying!
Author tuxedo cat Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 I have a LOT of sympathy for you. Not because I had the same type of boyfriend problem, but because I had the same problem of holding on to regrets of all kinds. It takes a lot of work to learn to think in the present moment and stop hurting from previous experience. Here's what helped me: read as much as you can about the topic of "dealing with regrets". Search the Internet, get books from library, bookstore, etc. For me, it took a lot of talking to myself and repeating sentences such as "Work on being happy today" and "Fill your head with today's facts not yesterday's facts" and "You can choose to be happy today regardless of what happened before". There's so much great info out there about regrets, too much to list here. You can absolutely get over your past hurt and be happy today. Keep trying! Thanks for this response. Can you recommend any specific titles?
lynn1954 Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda: Overcoming Regrets, Mistakes, and Missed Opportunities [Paperback] Arthur Freeman author No Regrets: A Ten-Step Program for Living in the Present and Leaving the Past Behind [Paperback] Hamilton Beazley (Author)
Infnitysign Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 A lot of people have so much depression now a days and it seems like it comes out of the best of people. You see how I used "best of people" Hopes that helps
Rubix123 Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 I'm sorry to hear you're story... Boys are just sometimes I guess like that he should really have spoken to you though, he's deffinetly a coward though, he didnt want to face up to you... He didn't have te courage and is a weakling the smile is fake, you should keep yourself busy and try your best to forget about this dude, he was so not worth it ive had guys do this to me before, believe me you should just make him Jealous and show him what he's let go of, find yourself a decent man believe me there are really good guys out there. smile!
Rubix123 Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Just spend time with friends, and family As much as you can and keep yourself busy anything like cleaning to playing a game etc. hope you feel better soon x
Lani Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Whoa... that sucks! What a dick. I think the fact that you've admitted this is holding you back is the first step. As they say, time heals all wounds. And I believe that's true. You're right to be hurt and freaked by what happened, so let yourself feel that now you've realised what it means. When you feel like you're getting weird, remember this and that he was the exception, not the rule.
foreverandalways Posted April 17, 2013 Posted April 17, 2013 It's probably because you never received closure. He abandoned you and you never knew why. Although I've never experienced that, I can see how it can be very affecting in your future relationships. Such as preventing you from becoming attached to someone, skeptical about trust, etc. I think if he gave you some sort of closure, even if it wasn't detailed, but just like "i'm sorry, but things just arent working out for us", it probably would have hurt for a bit, but you would have gotten over it easier.
Recommended Posts