JetWHITE Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 (edited) I just want somebody to read my words... 10 months ago I was considering the best place to string up... having ****ed up and wasted my first 20 years in life, I was about to turn 21 and have zero achievements what so ever to my name. Being clinically depressed since the age of 16... it feels like the years since being 16 have passed like weeks. A girl from the past re-entered by life and I fell in love for the first time... truly. I screwed it up... she left me 10 months ago and that's when I hit the bottom, I blamed it on my family (who I cut out of my life), my job (which I quit), her (who I hate), myself (who I also hate). To already be depressed in life, and then to experience the worse pain I have ever felt on-top of that... I wanted to end it all. 10 months on... now 21 I don't know why I haven't killed myself, maybe I don't have the courage? or maybe the constant fantasies of a better life give me hope that things will get better? I have plans to make things better, I am trying to find a new job, I want to start living properly, I want to leave my country and meet new people, but who knows? I'm an unrealistic person... I believe ANYTHING can happen. Why am I writing this? I have not spoken with my mother for 6 months, I cut her out of my life, I somewhat blame her losing my girlfriend, I don't even know why I blame her... I blamed everything. I was close to my mother during my relationship with my ex, and I guess my mother reminded me a lot about my ex, I would always talk about her with my mother... they have known each other for a long time. Since then I have been living day by day, watching the pain fade into a dull ache.. depressed, preparing for my future in my mind, healing, fantasizing. I just received a call within this hour, surprisingly it's my mother... unimpressed I spoke briefly and un-enthusiastically for a whole 2 minutes... I think she was just "trying" again... Now I'm here writing this, I feel sick, upset, weak, angry... and I don't know why? For a strange reason... after the call I checked my ex's facebook, seen all the things which hurt and reasons to NOT check it out... mission accomplished, So sitting here now, everything has just come flooding back like a broken dam, it feels like I can't bear anything in my life which relates back to the times of being with my ex... I'm a young 21 year old man, I'm a tough guy, I want to be a soldier, I have a fighters reputation... on the outside. On the inside, and here alone right now... I feel like crying, if I wasn't holding back I'm pretty sure my eyes would leak like a broken tap right now... Losing the girl I loved/love left me dangling by a thread and I've made a lot of progress but it's hard, I guess I'm not healing... I'm just "getting on with it", and every once in a while everything built up sub-consciously inside collapses under it's own pressure... I can't have her back, I wouldn't have her back, but moving on seems like the hardest thing I have Never done... I haven't seen her and spoken to her for 10 months yet she still haunts me every day... How do I fix myself? Edited April 14, 2013 by JetWHITE
CompleteFailure Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 Maybe you're not moving on because you're not allowing yourself to. Let the tears out if you need to. No shame in expressing the loss of something that meant so much to you. Try to repair your relationship with your family(mom) while you still have the chance. That's not something you want to look back on in however many years and regret that too. Forgive her, forgive your ex and forgive yourself. Seek help for your suicidal thoughts. Call a distress line, go to your local ER or talk to your doctor. Being able to vent out what's on your mind with someone with solid advice in combination with proper medication can help to increase the positivity in you. You sound like you have a plan and are determined. You said that you believe anything can happen. Well, start believing in yourself and your ability to overcome this setback. To be honest, you're really young and have a lifetime ahead of you to meet new people and experience great things. 1
Echo000 Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 I just want somebody to read my words... 10 months ago I was considering the best place to string up... having ****ed up and wasted my first 20 years in life, I was about to turn 21 and have zero achievements what so ever to my name. Being clinically depressed since the age of 16... it feels like the years since being 16 have passed like weeks. A girl from the past re-entered by life and I fell in love for the first time... truly. I screwed it up... she left me 10 months ago and that's when I hit the bottom, I blamed it on my family (who I cut out of my life), my job (which I quit), her (who I hate), myself (who I also hate). To already be depressed in life, and then to experience the worse pain I have ever felt on-top of that... I wanted to end it all. 10 months on... now 21 I don't know why I haven't killed myself, maybe I don't have the courage? or maybe the constant fantasies of a better life give me hope that things will get better? I have plans to make things better, I am trying to find a new job, I want to start living properly, I want to leave my country and meet new people, but who knows? I'm an unrealistic person... I believe ANYTHING can happen. Why am I writing this? I have not spoken with my mother for 6 months, I cut her out of my life, I somewhat blame her losing my girlfriend, I don't even know why I blame her... I blamed everything. I was close to my mother during my relationship with my ex, and I guess my mother reminded me a lot about my ex, I would always talk about her with my mother... they have known each other for a long time. Since then I have been living day by day, watching the pain fade into a dull ache.. depressed, preparing for my future in my mind, healing, fantasizing. I just received a call within this hour, surprisingly it's my mother... unimpressed I spoke briefly and un-enthusiastically for a whole 2 minutes... I think she was just "trying" again... Now I'm here writing this, I feel sick, upset, weak, angry... and I don't know why? For a strange reason... after the call I checked my ex's facebook, seen all the things which hurt and reasons to NOT check it out... mission accomplished, So sitting here now, everything has just come flooding back like a broken dam, it feels like I can't bear anything in my life which relates back to the times of being with my ex... I'm a young 21 year old man, I'm a tough guy, I want to be a soldier, I have a fighters reputation... on the outside. On the inside, and here alone right now... I feel like crying, if I wasn't holding back I'm pretty sure my eyes would leak like a broken tap right now... Losing the girl I loved/love left me dangling by a thread and I've made a lot of progress but it's hard, I guess I'm not healing... I'm just "getting on with it", and every once in a while everything built up sub-consciously inside collapses under it's own pressure... I can't have her back, I wouldn't have her back, but moving on seems like the hardest thing I have Never done... I haven't seen her and spoken to her for 10 months yet she still haunts me every day... How do I fix myself? Everything you wrote struck a chord in me..it was beautifully written and raw. I have gone through a lot of similar emotions, and still do. A lot of what people say--they mean well, and its good advice, but it doesnt do anything for you. Let me tell you man, these emotions you are feeling, where you feel all alone in an empty room, sad over the nothing you never had..I have been there. Thats why I chose the name Echo for this site, because often I feel the only voice i hear in this lonely world is my own. I am 20 years old, and have also had depression since about age 16 as well. You asked how to "fix" yourself. Well here is my advice: 1. Let your family back into your life. Let your mother know that you accept her. You dont have to talk to her every day (or even often), but let her know that she is accepted. It will lighten a load off of you..even a little bit makes a difference when you feel as bad as you do. 2. If you drink/do drugs..ease off man. It makes things worse for people like us. Im not telling you to quit for good, but you got to quit at least for now. Only you can save you..and that you needs to be sober. 3. I have suicidal thoughts all the time..and you sound like me. If you are like me, you wont kill yourself. Its not because you are a coward, but because you are hopeful and (believe it or not) you are not the quitter you make yourself out to be. You live every single day because you choose to live. And let me tell you. Every breath you take is a success story. 4. You are not a failure. You have something most dont have-- a story. You have experience with the world, at an age where most dont. You have seen the dark side of things, but that is something to be proud of. Why? Because you are still standing, despite seeing the darkness. And because it will, one day, allow you to appreciate the light. 5. Start reading books..doesnt matter what the subject is, just read. It diversifies your mind, increases your knowledge, and makes you more intelligent. Some of the wisest men come from prison, because they spend their time reading books. 6. I have thought joining the Marines myself..people have suggested that I would do really well in the military. They call me tough too, and on the outside I am. But like you, I have a lot going on internally that most never see. Its a struggle, and some of us have to fight every single day. Your post really struck me, because in many ways it felt like something I would write. There is something unique about you, because most people cannot be so honest like you were in your post. You sound like my type of human being. 3
McGriff Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Great response Echo. To the OP. you are ALOT stronger than you think. You have battled depression, a battle that many people lose, and yet you are still here. You've done it without family, you've done it without your ex, you've done without the security that a job brings. IT TAKES A STRONG PERSON TO FACE THAT BATTLE ALONE! I am proud of you for that and I don't even know you. Your post has given me strength that people are in much more dark places than I have ever been. Keep your head up, and keep walking. Hang onto that hope, because at 21, life is only just beginning for you. Ten years from now, you will be in a totally different place, maybe a wife and kids, and this darkness you are in now will only make you appreciate the good times. And good times are coming. The universe is all about balance, don't forget that. I salute your courage and strength.
Damsel in Distress Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Jet, I am so sorry you are in such a dark place but it shows a lot of strength to be able to write it all out and try to understand where you are and how you got to this point. It helps to share the burden with other people - just knowing that other people are listening and and hearing about your suffering and caring... that helps! And I agree with the other posters... re-engage with your family. When you are depressed it's easy to withdraw from others, but other people are the ones who can share your burden. Can you tell your mom about how depressed you are feeling? And I would encourage you to get treatment - counseling and also to be evaluated for anti-depressants. Also, you said something about being an unrealistic person. It does sound like you have big fantasies about how you can have a better life - moving to another country, etc. And it's good to have hope, but Jet, you can't run away from the depression. Moving to another country, or getting new friends or a new girlfriend might perk you up for a few months, but the depression has to be tackled. The way to have a happier life is to tackle the depression in simple steps: 1. Establish good routines for sleeping, eating, exercise. Make yourself physically healthy. 2. Foster supportive relationships - lean on your family, start doing activities in your own community and making friends 3. Get counseling to work through the negative thoughts iinside your head. It's these small things that can help you get on the road to a happieer life- not running away to another country or big dramatic changes. I feel your suffering and appreciate you sharing your story. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
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