shorty1963 Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 How do affairs get started ? I really need to know this as soon as possible ! There is a guy at my job that has been trying to hold my hand and winking at me and being very friendly.We are friends, but i have the feeling he wants more.He is married and has been for more than 30 years. I am single.Thanks so much
fanou22 Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 Affairs start with what you are describing. Soon he will tell you that he is attracted to you and that he is happier since you came along. Soon you will start believing these words. Before you know it you are the OW and he will promise you that he is leaving his wife which he will never do. If you don't want to become the OW, tell him you are uncomfortable with the way he is towards you and stay away from him. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you can do this without getting hurt. Take it from an OW, save yourself while you can
Naive Posted September 17, 2004 Posted September 17, 2004 Originally posted by fanou22 If you don't want to become the OW, tell him you are uncomfortable with the way he is towards you and stay away from him Hopefully for her sake it's not too late.
Butchey Posted September 17, 2004 Posted September 17, 2004 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t46941 Check it out!
Karlise13 Posted September 17, 2004 Posted September 17, 2004 "Gosh, I'm just so comfortable talking to you. Can we do lunch sometime?" (Flash forward a week) "I'm having the best time! I love hanging out with you! Can we get together sometime, like on a Saturday?" (Flash forward another two weeks) "God, I didn't plan for this to happen. But I was thinking about kissing you for the longest time. It's just so easy to be with you. You're so cool. I feel so ****ed up about this. But at the same time, I feel just naturally drawn to you," (Flash forward a month) "Hey, I know you've been having mixed feelings about all this. Can we meet at the Country Inn on Route X? Just some drinks and conversations. That's all. I miss you" (Flash forward another month) "I know.... I know...we can't continue like this. You know, I think I'm going to start getting the divorce process going. I really am. You've shown me the light. I can't believe I've let this go on so long. Can we have dinner sometime this week? I miss you. I really do. I need to talk to you." (Flash forward a year) "Oh sweetie...it's so hard. Those three weeks we didn't talk just about killed me. Damn, if I didnt have kids it would be so much easier. Be patient. Can you meet me this weekend at the theater? I just want to spend some time with you. Don't give up on me, OK? OK?"
Quilly Posted September 17, 2004 Posted September 17, 2004 An excellent summarization of the MM/OW affair, Karlise13. There are plenty posts out there, including my own, that will show you just where you'll end up if you decided to pursue MM... I know everyone has to live and learn for themselves... but please, take this advice and don't do it! No matter how wonderful it may seem in the beginning, loving and wanting someone that can't/won't be with you is sheer misery. If he really wants to start a relationship with you, ask to see his divorce papers first.
Shorty1963 Posted September 17, 2004 Posted September 17, 2004 This friend that i have told you about has tried to get a divorce from his wife awhile back now, but she told him that she would take everything he has, so he is stuck in this marriage so he wont lose what he has. I really do believe what he tells me. I just know he is not happy, and i am am getting attracted to him. I see him every day at work and when we see each other we just smile and he calls me honey and darling, well i call him that too.I have tried to stay away from him and i always bring myself to want to see him again even just to say Hey. If i do stop talking to him then he would want to know whats going on with me and why i am not talking to him.What would i tell him ? I just need to leave you alone so i will not get any closer to you ? Or what would i tell my friend. For all i know, he might not want me at all, he might just be the flirty type. But he does not do this with any other woman there. One time though he rubbed up behind me at work and i had to tell him not to do that around other people because they will start talking, and he told me he didn't give a damn what they thought. He was in a lousy marriage and his kids are grown, so he does not care.Now what am i suppose to think ??
Karlise13 Posted September 17, 2004 Posted September 17, 2004 "Baby, I wanna be with you so bad. It's killing me. But my wife will take everything I have. We've got to stick it out a while longer," (Flash forward 6 months) "I know...I know. I've kind of dropped off the face of the planet. I've been meaning to call and explain myself. See the reason I haven't called you is that I LOVE YOU SO MUCH but I feel for the sake of my family I've got to try again. My wife and I are not in love...I LOVE YOU. But I have to try and be a better father," (Flash forward 3 months) "Honey, I can't go without talking to you. I can't stand it. Yeah, I'm in counseling with the wife. NO....No....I love you. You are my soul, this is killing me. I love you so much. But the counseling helps keeps things civil between us. So someday, we can remain friends and she won't slaughter me in the divorce. Hey baby, I need to see you. You've been so patient, so kind. I know it's hard on you. I KNOW that. Let me just see you...talk to you..." (Flash forward 6 months) "No hon, I'm not sleeping with her. We're back to seperate bedrooms. Hey, you can't blame me for TRYING? What kind of father would I be to the kids if I didn't try to make it work with their mother? Honey, this has NOTHING to do with you and me. That's totally seperate. I am so messed up over this. No...no... I DON'T want you seeing other people. I understand. Nobody likes to be alone at Xmas. I know. Sweetie, listen. I'm flying out to California next month. Meet me out there. I'll make it up to you like you won't believe..." (Flash forward 1 more year) "Baby, you KNOW the situation. Yeah, yeah...we're starting to talk about divorce again now. LISTEN....give me some time. I have her in a good place now. She's less angry. I don't want to lose everything I've worked so hard for. " (Flash forward 6 more months) "OK....Listen. I know I've been acting wierd. OK, listen. It's like this. She's pregnant. I KNOW. No...baby...baby....hon...LISTEN. We were NOT sleeping together. Well, not until...this one time. OK, we were talking about divorce I SWEAR. I swear we were. Oh my God. Why would I lie? We just both got real emotional and we were drinking and yes it's STUPID...yes I know....I'm so STUPID! Honey, pleeeease just listen to me. Please! She's going to have it. It doesn't mean we're staying together. Hey look, she doesn't believe in abortion. OK? There's nothing I can do. Please don't walk away...please don't leave me now. I need you more than ever....please honey..."
Quilly Posted September 17, 2004 Posted September 17, 2004 Keep telling yourself that he's married... which means he won't be there for you night, weekends, and holidays. He'll tell you how unhappy he is in his marriage, that there's no sex, that she doesn't understand him, that he's staying for the kids, whatever... it all comes down to one thing... he's still married. Wives don't take men for "everything they have," he just doesn't want to give up half of what he does have... which is probably a nice, comfortable life. If it wasn't, he wouldn't still be there and he's probably not as unhappy as he'd like you to believe. Have you asked him how many other affairs he's had in those 30 years? If he can answer you honestly, I bet it's been a few times for him... he knows how to take the tedium out of the daily grind. Don't give yourself to someone that has nothing to give you in return. It's not worth it no matter how charming he may seem. As for how to deal with him... be upfront and tell him that you're not interested in seeing him while he's married. If he has any decency, he'll respect that and interact with you in an appropriate friend/coworker manner. Of course, that's what I would do... knowing what I now know. Unfortunately I can already tell from your posts that you have no intention of following the advice you'll get here... but one thing is for certain, when you do come back here in 6 months, a year, or two years from now... you'll finally know what it was we were trying to tell you. Good luck... you're likely going to need it!
LoneStar49 Posted September 17, 2004 Posted September 17, 2004 Originally posted by Shorty1963 I really do believe what he tells me. Ummm-huh. Famous last thoughts. Print Quilly's post...Keep telling yourself that he's married... which means he won't be there for you night, weekends, and holidays. He'll tell you how unhappy he is in his marriage, that there's no sex, that she doesn't understand him, that he's staying for the kids, whatever... it all comes down to one thing... he's still married. Wives don't take men for "everything they have," he just doesn't want to give up half of what he does have... which is probably a nice, comfortable life. If it wasn't, he wouldn't still be there and he's probably not as unhappy as he'd like you to believe. Have you asked him how many other affairs he's had in those 30 years? If he can answer you honestly, I bet it's been a few times for him... he knows how to take the tedium out of the daily grind. Don't give yourself to someone that has nothing to give you in return. It's not worth it no matter how charming he may seem. As for how to deal with him... be upfront and tell him that you're not interested in seeing him while he's married. If he has any decency, he'll respect that and interact with you in an appropriate friend/coworker manner. Of course, that's what I would do... knowing what I now know. Unfortunately I can already tell from your posts that you have no intention of following the advice you'll get here... but one thing is for certain, when you do come back here in 6 months, a year, or two years from now... you'll finally know what it was we were trying to tell you. Good luck... you're likely going to need it! Make 5,000 copies and tape them everywhere - mirrors, toilet seats, fridge, coffee pot - and read the words every time you even think about him. My dear, knowing what I know now, I'd quit my job and move to the other side of the country to avoid even the slightest temptation of becoming involved with a married man. Read the words of many that have gone before you. And yeah...Run, Shorty, run..... Edit: I'd move to the other side of the world! Living in a Third World Country would be a piece of cake compared to the last few years of my life with a man who I really believed what he said.
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