Is this relationship basically over?

[slplaybook]

Me and my (maybe, probably, I don't even know) ex are both 35 yo females in an LDR. Very very long distance, like 10000 miles.

 

I was meant to visit her but recently I've been diagnosed with a very serious anxiety disorder so I'm unable to. She cancelled the flight and got a refund. I understand she was very disappointed about this but medically I have been advised not to travel due to serious panic attacks.

 

This relationship has been rocky at best from the start. I loved her, though.

 

When it started we were in the same city pretty much and occasionally she would go quiet for a few weeks, break up with me, and tell me stuff like our relationship didn't have the qualities she wanted (it was always stuff like "we don't sparkle") and we were over.

 

Then she'd get back together with me 5-6 days later. This happened maybe 4 times. Then she decided she wanted to go "on an adventure" to this new country and use its prosperous economy to build capital for her business. I didn't want to go. It wasn't a discussion, it was more "I'm going".

 

I wasn't crazy about it, but we met up just before she left, and I decided I was willing to try an LDR.

 

We got really close then through daily chats even though it was LDR, declarations of love and a future etc. There were a few incidents of her trying to end it though -- she said this wasn't because she wanted to end it, more to set me free. I did feel a lot of love for her, she said she loved me, and we planned a future together.

 

I got upset when she signed a contract to stay working in the new country for a year longer than we'd planned. She said she hadn't built up enough money to come back when originally planned. I felt hurt by that but I got it. She does want that business a lot but it would mean 2 more years apart rather than 1. She said she was doing this to build a rock solid future for us.

 

We would talk every day by text non stop, and I started getting worn out. She would get annoyed when I wanted to talk about my job or interests rather than just our relationship. It was a bit read: very) exhausting. Se admits she is critical, blunt and demanding.

 

Then she went on dating websites to find gay friends in her city which I wasn't crazy about but I trusted her. I honestly don't believe she cheated, I don't think she is like that.

 

Just before I was diagnosed with my anxiety disorder I had a massive panic attack and suddenly broke up with her. All my issues about the extended time, the breakups, the dating websites just exploded out!

 

I have never broken up with her before, it's always been her doing it with me. Ever since then she says her trust in me is busted, she goes between saying we're together, we might be together, or we're friends.

 

Her texts are getting shorter and less frequent, especially since I told her I've been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. She has referred to me as her friend recently. I know the answer to this but I just need y'all to tell me: I need to let this go, right? I feel a bit maligned that she's broken up with me a zillion times and I forgave and one time I do it when I'm not myself and acutely ill seems to end everything, but eh.

 

I don't believe she is a bad person at all. I think a lot of her. I don't mean to malign her with this post. I do love her (although it's waning what with everything) and think a lot of her. I just think maybe too much has happened now (and too big a distance, for too long a time) for this to work. I think she probably is pulling away from me, too.

 

I think we just can't communicate well. The whole thing has seemed like one misunderstanding after another! Should I just go NC? It all feels so unresolved but looking at it in black and white it seems clear that this is (or should be, as it isn't healthy) over.

 

How to heal from this? The whole relationship has, tbh, seemed like a weird trip at times! I think I have put up with a lot and I may not have been perfect, but it isn't my fault this anxiety disorder has happened. I feel like a massive doormat having typed all that out, but opinions welcome.

Edited April 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LindaSmiley]

If you really love her you should call her & have a serious conversation with her. Ask her if she wants to work things out, If she wants to continue with your relationship. Long Distance relationships are a lot of work, trust is key. You also have to be on the same page with your partner. If one of you isn't completely into it, things will go south. You said you had serious anxiety issues.. do they stop you from traveling? what if you go to visit her? My thoughts have always been that if you truly have feelings for someone you will do anything & everything to keep them in your life. 2 years is a lot of time but that doesn't mean that it's impossible. Work things out together. Put your heart out on the table, let her know how you feel. If you both want to be together you will get through this.

 

If things are over between the both of you getting over it is a little tricky because you'll always have all the "what ifs" Take things slow. Get rid of anything that reminds you of her. Don't contact her anymore. Remember that everything happens for a reason.

 

Make sure that all your decisions are thought through. Living with regrets will haunt you. Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

 

God Bless.

[jovan]

(I posted something very similar in the long distance category, now realise that was the wrong category to post it in as it's actually about breaking up, and don't know how to fix it. So sorry. Rookie mistake. My bad! So first if anyone can help me with how to fix that...)

 

Now on to my actual issue...

 

Me and my (maybe, probably, I don't even know) ex are both 35 yo females in an LDR. Very very long distance, like 10000 miles.

 

I was meant to visit her but recently I've been diagnosed with a very serious anxiety disorder so I'm unable to. She cancelled the flight and got a refund. I understand she was very disappointed about this but medically I have been advised not to travel due to serious panic attacks.

 

This relationship has been rocky at best from the start. I loved her, though.

 

When it started we were in the same city pretty much and occasionally she would go quiet for a few weeks, break up with me, and tell me stuff like our relationship didn't have the qualities she wanted (it was always stuff like "we don't sparkle") and we were over.

 

Then she'd get back together with me 5-6 days later. This happened maybe 4 times. Then she decided she wanted to go "on an adventure" to this new country and use its prosperous economy to build capital for her business. I didn't want to go. It wasn't a discussion, it was more "I'm going".

 

I wasn't crazy about it, but we met up just before she left, and I decided I was willing to try an LDR.

 

We got really close then through daily chats even though it was LDR, declarations of love and a future etc. There were a few incidents of her trying to end it though -- she said this wasn't because she wanted to end it, more to set me free. I did feel a lot of love for her, she said she loved me, and we planned a future together.

 

I got upset when she signed a contract to stay working in the new country for a year longer than we'd planned. She said she hadn't built up enough money to come back when originally planned. I felt hurt by that but I got it. She does want that business a lot but it would mean 2 more years apart rather than 1. She said she was doing this to build a rock solid future for us.

 

We would talk every day by text non stop, and I started getting worn out. She would get annoyed when I wanted to talk about my job or interests rather than just our relationship. It was a bit read: very) exhausting. Se admits she is critical, blunt and demanding.

 

Then she went on dating websites to find gay friends in her city which I wasn't crazy about but I trusted her. I honestly don't believe she cheated, I don't think she is like that.

 

Just before I was diagnosed with my anxiety disorder I had a massive panic attack and suddenly broke up with her. All my issues about the extended time, the breakups, the dating websites just exploded out!

 

I have never broken up with her before, it's always been her doing it with me. Ever since then she says her trust in me is busted, she goes between saying we're together, we might be together, or we're friends.

 

Her texts are getting shorter and less frequent, especially since I told her I've been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. She has referred to me as her friend recently. I know the answer to this but I just need y'all to tell me: I need to let this go, right? I feel a bit maligned that she's broken up with me a zillion times and I forgave and one time I do it when I'm not myself and acutely ill seems to end everything, but eh.

 

I don't believe she is a bad person at all. I think a lot of her. I don't mean to malign her with this post. I do love her (although it's waning what with everything) and think a lot of her. I just think maybe too much has happened now (and too big a distance, for too long a time) for this to work. I think she probably is pulling away from me, too.

 

I think we just can't communicate well. The whole thing has seemed like one misunderstanding after another! Should I just go NC? It all feels so unresolved but looking at it in black and white it seems clear that this is (or should be, as it isn't healthy) over.

 

How to heal from this? The whole relationship has, tbh, seemed like a weird trip at times! I think I have put up with a lot and I may not have been perfect, but it isn't my fault this anxiety disorder has happened. I feel like a massive doormat having typed all that out, but opinions welcome.

 

 

NC 100%. Trust me on this... And just go out for a while and relax. Don't try to find somebody else, just go out and have a blast. Keep you're self busy for a while and in time you will start forgetting all about it .