iThai Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 So there's this girl I liked for four years. But, as the pathetic shy guy I am, I never asked her out. Just recently, I decided to man up, and not only asked her to go out, but to prom as well. We went to the movies and went for a walk afterwards, but since I was shy, I had trouble keeping a conversation. Prom just passed and still, I was too shy to make conversation. I thought that since I got to know her a bit more, I would be more comfortable. I asked her out to dinner. She agreed and we planned a day. The plan was going well, but hours before the date, she texts me that her mom would not let her go because she was angry at her. Sounded kinda weird, but I said it was okay, maybe next time. She reschedules for next week. We didn't really talk about the plan during the course of the week. Only the night before, I asked if we were still up for the date. On the day (yesterday), she tells me that she and her family have to go to dinner at her relatives. I little down, I said okay. She then texts an apology and wants to make it up next time. I text back, saying it was okay, when would she be free? It has been almost a day since her reply and I am losing more and more hope. I really want to go out with her, but I don't want to force to have to go with me. I don't want her to feel bad or anything and force her to go. I will admit that the second time actually hurt a little. I understand that if I was in her position, I would do the same thing. I have a hard time arguing with my parents and winning those arguments and when family plans arrive, I have to go no matter what. What should I do? Give her another chance? She is everything I ever looked for in a girl. Pretty, smart, talented, kind. Or tell her "You know, if you're busy, we don't have to actually go to dinner. I mean it's just dinner." (Something of the sort) A little back story: Everyone at my school knows I like her, including her. Some even told me to just ask her out. A friend of mine told me that her friends say that she should go out with me, that I'm a good guy. I was very hopeful at the time.
lynn1954 Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 I can tell by your message that you're very smart, nice, thoughtful, considerate, kind. You said that she is pretty, smart, talented, kind. So, we're discussing a situation between two great people, so I suggest that you proceed with honesty, kindness, a sense or humor. Talk to her in person (not text, not phone), and keep the tone of the conversation light and fun. Say something in your own words like "So you know I'd really enjoy spending some time with you, hanging out and doing something fun. Do you want to hang out, too? What would be fun for you?" Keep it light and fun and don't sound too serious nor too desperate. If you spend time together, it might turn into romance or it might stay as friendship only. But don't think about that, just take one step at a time.
dasein Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 People who want to spend time with a certain person make it happen, and these types of excuses don't come up. On the off chance she is interested, she has your number. Suggest moving on to other options. Good luck.
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 It sounds like you showed too much interest (since everybody knows). I say stop talking to her completely and pretend to crush on another girl. This one will get jealous and will actively pursue you.
Cutiepie1976 Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 My read: She's not really interested. No one wants to risk being dateless for prom. Many reasons why she probably agreed to go to prom with you, but my sense is that she really doesn't like you that way. This is how some people reject others. They don't want to be seen as bad people and they don't want to hurt your feelings. They figure you'll eventually get fed up and stop trying, and they'll never have to be the "bad guy" who says no. Even if she does finally say yes to your latest request because you keep following up, asking, and pursuing, she will flake, forget, be a no-show, and use every other non-confrontational tool at her disposal to get out of things. Even as she is sweet to your face. With experience, you'll learn to walk away rather than wasting your time and repeatedly being hurt and disappointed by people who do this. You really deserve better consideration regardless of how wonderful you think she is. To be clear, I don't think she's being deliberately mean by taking this approach. She just doesn't know a better way to handle this yet. It's not fun to reject someone, especially someone nice. No one wants to be responsible for directly hurting another person. Personally, I would advise against sticking around trying to be her friend. Many reasons for saying that. If you do choose to be her friend, be careful that it isn't one-sided with you putting in all the effort, doing her tons of favors, and basically serving as her lackey and gofer until you realize she's dating some other guy. Good luck.
Author iThai Posted April 14, 2013 Author Posted April 14, 2013 (edited) .......... Edited April 14, 2013 by iThai
Cutiepie1976 Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 I figured. She does take a while to respond to her text, if at all. I always wondered why she would say yes to prom, now this makes sense. Still, why did she say yes to the movies? Why did she say yes to the dinner? She doesn't want to be the bad person who hurts your feelings by rejecting you. This seems like a "nicer," less cruel route. You'll eventually stop on your own. Did she actually go to dinner with you? No, she cancelled. So the real answer was no. Did she go to the movies with you? No, she cancelled. So her actual response was no. If you keep asking, she'll eventually run out of excuses to cancel, and will then "accidentally" forget, get confused about the time/date/location and be a no-show, feel sick, yadda, yadda, yadda...all the passive-aggressive, non-confrontational flaking your little heart can take until you finally give up and/or discover she is dating someone else. Either way, she's not going to be the bad guy who outright rejects you. You will be the one to finally lose interest and stop things. Should I give up? Of course that would not be easy as this girl had been on my mind for years. Four years so far, right? How many more years of your life do you plan to give her? Tick tock. Give yourself a set number of attempts or a time limit, and stick to it. Two tries is ideal in my thinking, but you can decide for yourself. Usually, beyond three attempts it becomes an exercise in hopeless futility. Whatever you decide, stick to a concrete limit. There is no one in the school, no one that I know, that is anything like her. And there never will be as long as you remain her "friend" circling around her, hoping for a date, any response to your texts, or any glimmer of possible interest. It's one of the numerous reasons why I think choosing to remain her friend is harmful to you. She is open to dating others and is able to assess any opportunities that come her way. You can't. You (not her) are putting yourself in a very miserable position. With experience you'll learn to try, fail, move on...and repeat until you have a girlfriend. You won't waste 4+ years of your life fantasizing about one person. One problem with being shy and letting things drag on for a long time before asking someone out is you get very attached to someone and the fantasy of being with that person. When you finally get up the courage to ask, if the person doesn't like you, it's much harder to accept, let go, and move on to the next potential person. Try to work on getting to a place where you see someone you like, you ask them out quickly, and you go from there. Most people you like, won't like you back. That's dating. It's not you. It's just that you aren't a fit for each other. Just keep going until you find your match. It's like trying to find the right key for a particular padlock on a huge ring of keys. Just because a particular key doesn't fit doesn't make it a bad or inferior key. It's just the wrong key for that particular padlock. It's the perfect key for a differrent lock. Just keep going. The more quickly you work through the ring of keys, the sooner you find the right key for your lock. Staring at the wrong key, wondering if it might work, questioning why it won't fit, or repeatedly trying it again doesn't magically open the lock. It just delays you finding the right key. Two attempts, then move on. If she were to respond to my last text, which I am still waiting for, what should I say? If she sets up a date, then what? Do I accept? Or do I tell her if she's busy, then she doesn't have to go to dinner with me? If she sets up a date, and it works with your calender, then by all means go for it! Yes, you accept. Yes you meet. Yes, you ask her on a follow-up date. But she's not even eager to return your texts. So...her actually setting up a date? Highly unlikely. Don't hold your breath too long. You're likely to asphyxiate from an excess of unfulfilled hope.
Cutiepie1976 Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 This is an anonymous board. We are here to help. You shouldn't feel embarrassed by your questions. Dating is a learning process for everyone.
Author iThai Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 Thank you for the reply. Just a side note, she did go to the movies with me. It's just the dinner plan that she cancelled and rescheduled twice. Seeing as there has been a couple of days which have passed and still no response, I can tell that I have no choice but to move on. It feels like I am leaving behind someone no one else could replace. I cannot stand the thought of her being with someone else. Every time I see her, I get the feeling of wanting to continue to chase. But, logically, the best move is to move on. My brain says go, but my heart... Either way, thank you for your help. I really appreciate it.
Author iThai Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 A few seconds later, I find out that she is going away for college. I have to stay. I can see now, I have no choice but to move on. But damn it. That really hurt. It struck my chest really hard.
Author iThai Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 Seems like I only have a limited amount of time to be able to edit posts. I just had a dream. In the dream, I saw her. She was riding up the escalator. I have hello, she waved back, put her hand out, I grabbed it, and slowly her hands slipped away. After finding out that she is going away for college, I am starting to regret not going away myself. I want to go into medicine. The college I am staying is not very attractive to me. The only bright side is that I may have a higher chance of going to that medical school from the same college and the fact that my tuition is practically free (with an extra $2,000 a semester!). But ever since finding out she was going away, I started to feel like I could've gone away. I could've find a better college, explore, see snow, and meet new people. I feel really terrible now.
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