FindingPeace68 Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 Hi everyone, I could really use your advice as there are a few twists in my recent break up that is really haunting me and could potentially haunt me for a long time if I can't come up with a constructive plan of action on how to think properly about this. Please read the whole post as you will see several things haunting me. My girlfriend and I just broke up 2 months ago...ending a very adventurous relationship that was full of memories and travels around the country together. She is gorgeous and has a magnetic personality that I was immediately drawn to. She was a former Olympic coach and coached a medalist so she had a very strong personality. That being said we lived together in Orange County, CA and it became clear that as time went on that she still had residual feelings for her ex-husband of 17 years even though he had moved on. She broke up with him as he was only a financial provider but didn't ever show her love or affection. Even so, she showed signs of not wanting to let him go even though he has since moved into a relationship with another woman. It appeared to have bothered her even though she broke up with him. The night of the break up she brought something up about her ex - it wasn't really too bad but I had kept so much inside that I finally threw in my two sense about how I felt about the whole situation with her ex. Well obviously that didn't sit well with her and she went into a volcanic rage and ultimately hit me in the face with her fist. When I discovered I had blood on my face I got into a very surreal state. With my adrenaline flowing like crazy, I decided to call the police. I barely remember doing calling 911 but I did. The police came and to make a long story short they arrested her and put her in jail. They say that 60% of all domestic violence cases the "victim" regrets calling the police. I'm in that 60% category that regret calling the police. I loved her with all my heart and I still do. For me I look at our relationship over 2 years and there was a lot of sacrifice that went into making this work. First, it started long distance and I ultimately moved across the country to be with her. Second, our relationship was 95% perfect in my opinion. We had a blast together, were very affectionate togethers, etc etc. People looked at us as an incredible couple. We were so powerful together. It's just that 5% that was so volcanic!!!! It was horrible. She is a Scorpio and would sometimes out of nowhere go into a rage over something trivial - like getting off the wrong highway exit on the way to a restaurant (after leaving church may I add). Needless to say I tried to not sweat the small stuff and focused more on the 95% she had going for her. Immediately after she was arrested, I went into a deep spiral despair over what had just transpired. I felt like my life just ended with just one phone call to the police. I knew that we were done and whether it was her hitting me or me calling the police I couldn't stop obsessing over the fact that I could have redeemed myself if I never called the police. It was and still is an agonizing experience for me that could haunt me for many years. A few days after the incident, I moved out of the house and got a hotel room for a couple days so she and her 15 year old daughter could move back into the house. I did this out of respect to her daughter not my ex-girlfriend. The main thing here is that my ex started communicating with me again almost in a civil manner. Obviously, her true intention was to leverage my love for her to help her with her brand new domestic violence case. She has no criminal record of any kind but she needed me as the district attorney would undoubtedly want me to testify against her. Of course her plan worked. Not only did I write the District Attorney a 3 page letter basically putting everything in the best possible light. The big thing is that I moved to North Carolina where my family lives so to make it much more difficult for the District Attorney to subpoena me against my ex girlfriend. Even though I was hurt over her hitting me, it would have hurt me more to have to testify against her. My ex and I communicated for about 6 weeks via phone, email, and text. Most of the time we discussed the case and every once in while we would discuss something about church, our Faith in God, and/or some other type of trivial subject. This gave me hope as my ex promised during the whole domestic violence case that she was planning on opening up to me after the case was over and have more or less a "peace talk" between us. I hung on that promise and continued to help her anyway I could. Well, 3 days ago, she was ultimately convicted. She had her misdemeanor domestic violence charge reduced to misdemeanor "disturbing the peace - fighting". Which I would consider a victory on her part I would think. Instead I got an email from her attorney that day after the case was over stating that "her client never wants to have contact with you again....if you decide to contact her I will have to take action to ensure that you don't..." WOW!!! Are you kidding me?? I helped her in the biggest way get her case dramatically reduced. She went from an original felony charge down to a misdemeanor domestic violence charge down to a "disturbing the peace" conviction. Now she doesn't want to have not only a "peace out talk" but now I get an email from her attorney that she never wants to talk to me ever again?????????? This is killing me! I guess in my mind I thought we could talk things out as she was always great at thinking about both sides of the story once she had ample time to think about things and would ultimately apologize to me for her wrongs. I was praying that after some time she would not only look at the domestic violence incident and look at wrongs during the whole 2 years and ultimately apologize to me. This would give me peace! Now I am searching for answers on how to move forward without closure. **** The 2nd big twist to our break up ******* The hardest part about this that will haunt me forever is that we work together in a network marketing business (MLM company). I have been with this company for 14 years and she has been in the company for 11 years. Not to brag but for the point, we are both successful with this company. This a 20 year old company and the relationships run deep with the field leaders and we both know the same people. We have several huge events around the country where we are expected to attend as leaders. So going forward, I have to see this ex-girlfriend (that I still love) at these major events. We will be running into each other all the time at these events. Seeing her in a mode where she will always have her "back to me" is killing me. It would be so much easier to drop the resentments and talk a few things out and agree to be civil to each other at these events. Otherwise, this type of tension could also put mutual friends and associates in an uncomfortable situation too. No one in the company except a select few key top company officials knows about the domestic violence part. They are not taking sides as this is a business environment. Everyone else just knows that we broke up and that's it. Even so, not having a "peace talk" really can make things uncomfortable for those that know the both of us. One of the reasons why I wanted this "peace talk" was to ease the pain and awkwardness when we see each other at these major events. I could write more but this should provide a glimpse of the dilemma I am in. I don't know how to deal with this. *** It's heartbreak over a breakup with someone I was planning to spend the rest of my life with. **** It's heartbreak over the domestic violence situation and the pain I harbour for initiating this by calling the police **** It's heartbreak over my newfound work/business situation where I have to see this woman for the rest of my life. Or should I say, see the "back of this woman" for the rest of my life. I could really use all of your feedback on this. Any pointers, advice, prayers, anything will help as I getting hit with several different things here all at the same time!!! Thank you & God Bless.
Downtown Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 It's just that 5% that was so volcanic!!!! It was horrible.FP, welcome to the LoveShack forum. It sure sounds to me like you missed a bullet and that your decision to call the police may have saved you years of misery in a toxic relationship. There is a strong chance that a woman having such little impulse control and being so violent with a loved one has strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) -- which my exW has. A 1993 Canadian study, for example, found that half of the spousal batterers studied had full-blown BPD. You can read Roger Melton's summary of the study results at Romeo's Bleeding - When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong -- Health & Wellness -- Sott.net. I note that BPDers typically do black-white thinking, wherein they will categorize everyone as "all good" or "all bad" -- and in seconds will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other based on only a minor comment or infraction. While you are being "split black," you will be perceived as a terrible person. It's not that the BPDer stops loving you. Rather, it is that she "splits off" those loving feelings, putting them completely out of touch of her conscious mind. On top of that, a BPDer typically is very vindictive while splitting you black. This means that, if your Ex has strong BPD traits, she almost certainly will start badmouthing you and -- because she is convinced it is true -- she will tend to be very persuasive. I caution that every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all nine BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means everyone exhibits these traits to some degree. At issue, then, is NOT whether your Ex exhibits the nine BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she has most of them at a strong level. Not having met her, I don't know the answer to that question. I nonetheless am confident that you can learn to spot the warning signs for BPD if you take time to read about them. Of course, you will not be able determine whether her traits are so severe as to satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD. Only a professional can do that. Simply spotting the red flags, however, is not difficult. There is nothing subtle about traits such as physical abuse, temper tantrums, and lack of impulse control. I therefore suggest you read my description of what it is like to live with a BPDer -- to see if most of BPD traits sound very familiar. My posts in Rebel's thread start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. If that description of BPD traits rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, FP.
lynn1954 Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 I read and understand your entire message. Sometimes simple actions can solve complex situations. I suggest that you think this way: "The past is a big mess, but I can't change anything that already happened. So, starting today, I'm going to think and be the most kind, gentle, dignified person I can be. All my words and actions will be based on keeping this situation as low-key and stress-free as possible, and allowing everyone to recover from it. I'll act with integrity.". For a while, you need to put her needs above yours, and make her feel as comfortable and non-aggravated as possible. When you must be in the same place at the same time as her, stay as lowkey as possible. In a social situation with others present, look her in the eye, say hello, include her in the conversation. If the two of you must be alone together, let her initiate any communication. Whenever possible, try not to be in the same place at the same time as her. Give her time to recover. If you stay low-key and non-assertive, that will make her feel comfortable and give her time to make the first moves toward peaceful co-existence. The onus is on you. Be a hero.
ThatJustHappened Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Hi everyone, I could really use your advice as there are a few twists in my recent break up that is really haunting me and could potentially haunt me for a long time if I can't come up with a constructive plan of action on how to think properly about this. Please read the whole post as you will see several things haunting me. My girlfriend and I just broke up 2 months ago...ending a very adventurous relationship that was full of memories and travels around the country together. She is gorgeous and has a magnetic personality that I was immediately drawn to. She was a former Olympic coach and coached a medalist so she had a very strong personality. That being said we lived together in Orange County, CA and it became clear that as time went on that she still had residual feelings for her ex-husband of 17 years even though he had moved on. She broke up with him as he was only a financial provider but didn't ever show her love or affection. Even so, she showed signs of not wanting to let him go even though he has since moved into a relationship with another woman. It appeared to have bothered her even though she broke up with him. The night of the break up she brought something up about her ex - it wasn't really too bad but I had kept so much inside that I finally threw in my two sense about how I felt about the whole situation with her ex. Well obviously that didn't sit well with her and she went into a volcanic rage and ultimately hit me in the face with her fist. When I discovered I had blood on my face I got into a very surreal state. With my adrenaline flowing like crazy, I decided to call the police. I barely remember doing calling 911 but I did. The police came and to make a long story short they arrested her and put her in jail. They say that 60% of all domestic violence cases the "victim" regrets calling the police. I'm in that 60% category that regret calling the police. I loved her with all my heart and I still do. For me I look at our relationship over 2 years and there was a lot of sacrifice that went into making this work. First, it started long distance and I ultimately moved across the country to be with her. Second, our relationship was 95% perfect in my opinion. We had a blast together, were very affectionate togethers, etc etc. People looked at us as an incredible couple. We were so powerful together. It's just that 5% that was so volcanic!!!! It was horrible. She is a Scorpio and would sometimes out of nowhere go into a rage over something trivial - like getting off the wrong highway exit on the way to a restaurant (after leaving church may I add). Needless to say I tried to not sweat the small stuff and focused more on the 95% she had going for her. Immediately after she was arrested, I went into a deep spiral despair over what had just transpired. I felt like my life just ended with just one phone call to the police. I knew that we were done and whether it was her hitting me or me calling the police I couldn't stop obsessing over the fact that I could have redeemed myself if I never called the police. It was and still is an agonizing experience for me that could haunt me for many years. A few days after the incident, I moved out of the house and got a hotel room for a couple days so she and her 15 year old daughter could move back into the house. I did this out of respect to her daughter not my ex-girlfriend. The main thing here is that my ex started communicating with me again almost in a civil manner. Obviously, her true intention was to leverage my love for her to help her with her brand new domestic violence case. She has no criminal record of any kind but she needed me as the district attorney would undoubtedly want me to testify against her. Of course her plan worked. Not only did I write the District Attorney a 3 page letter basically putting everything in the best possible light. The big thing is that I moved to North Carolina where my family lives so to make it much more difficult for the District Attorney to subpoena me against my ex girlfriend. Even though I was hurt over her hitting me, it would have hurt me more to have to testify against her. My ex and I communicated for about 6 weeks via phone, email, and text. Most of the time we discussed the case and every once in while we would discuss something about church, our Faith in God, and/or some other type of trivial subject. This gave me hope as my ex promised during the whole domestic violence case that she was planning on opening up to me after the case was over and have more or less a "peace talk" between us. I hung on that promise and continued to help her anyway I could. Well, 3 days ago, she was ultimately convicted. She had her misdemeanor domestic violence charge reduced to misdemeanor "disturbing the peace - fighting". Which I would consider a victory on her part I would think. Instead I got an email from her attorney that day after the case was over stating that "her client never wants to have contact with you again....if you decide to contact her I will have to take action to ensure that you don't..." WOW!!! Are you kidding me?? I helped her in the biggest way get her case dramatically reduced. She went from an original felony charge down to a misdemeanor domestic violence charge down to a "disturbing the peace" conviction. Now she doesn't want to have not only a "peace out talk" but now I get an email from her attorney that she never wants to talk to me ever again?????????? This is killing me! I guess in my mind I thought we could talk things out as she was always great at thinking about both sides of the story once she had ample time to think about things and would ultimately apologize to me for her wrongs. I was praying that after some time she would not only look at the domestic violence incident and look at wrongs during the whole 2 years and ultimately apologize to me. This would give me peace! Now I am searching for answers on how to move forward without closure. **** The 2nd big twist to our break up ******* The hardest part about this that will haunt me forever is that we work together in a network marketing business (MLM company). I have been with this company for 14 years and she has been in the company for 11 years. Not to brag but for the point, we are both successful with this company. This a 20 year old company and the relationships run deep with the field leaders and we both know the same people. We have several huge events around the country where we are expected to attend as leaders. So going forward, I have to see this ex-girlfriend (that I still love) at these major events. We will be running into each other all the time at these events. Seeing her in a mode where she will always have her "back to me" is killing me. It would be so much easier to drop the resentments and talk a few things out and agree to be civil to each other at these events. Otherwise, this type of tension could also put mutual friends and associates in an uncomfortable situation too. No one in the company except a select few key top company officials knows about the domestic violence part. They are not taking sides as this is a business environment. Everyone else just knows that we broke up and that's it. Even so, not having a "peace talk" really can make things uncomfortable for those that know the both of us. One of the reasons why I wanted this "peace talk" was to ease the pain and awkwardness when we see each other at these major events. I could write more but this should provide a glimpse of the dilemma I am in. I don't know how to deal with this. *** It's heartbreak over a breakup with someone I was planning to spend the rest of my life with. **** It's heartbreak over the domestic violence situation and the pain I harbour for initiating this by calling the police **** It's heartbreak over my newfound work/business situation where I have to see this woman for the rest of my life. Or should I say, see the "back of this woman" for the rest of my life. I could really use all of your feedback on this. Any pointers, advice, prayers, anything will help as I getting hit with several different things here all at the same time!!! Thank you & God Bless. First of all, you didn't initiate anything. She punched you and she got what she deserved. Better than she deserved actually, thanks to you. Domestic violence is never ok, even if it only happens once. Second, closure is a myth..but if you need it, then her lawyer's letter is about as much closure a person can get. It's closed. I'm really sorry you're hurting, and I'm sorry your work situation is so difficult, but this woman is not right in the head. Getting rid of her is a good thing. You absolutely will be ok, and far better off without her, and with a woman who deserves you.
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