Solipsanum Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 I've just this year moved away from home and started college. Up until now I've been pretty introverted and focused on school, but now I've met all these amazing new people and, well, it’s been a bit of a shock to the system! I'll start by saying that I'm really inexperienced – I've had a few failed relationships, all false starts lasting no longer than a few weeks, and I think it's really damaged my confidence in my own judgement. I don't trust myself to know if I'm genuinely interested in someone romantically, or if I just want to be friends. I keep talking myself round in circles, and I'd really appreciate some outside perspective. So. There's this one guy, let's call him Sam, who I met through shared hobbies. He's a great friend and I really enjoy his company, but he’s already got a girlfriend at home. No problem, I thought, I wasn't interested in a relationship anyway. As of a couple of months after we met, we started spending quite a lot of time together. Not to the exclusion of others, by any means, but we talked a lot, and stayed over at each other’s rooms a few times. (At this point I should point out that it’s completely normal where I'm living for people to stay over at friends’ rooms, particularly when they live on the other side of town like he does and it’s a long walk home at night.) He flirts a bit with me, but he does that with everyone, regardless of gender, relationship status, etc. It seems harmless. Anyway, one night when we were up far too late, the conversation got a bit weird. He admitted to being attracted to me, and I was, uh, surprised to find I was also attracted to him. Of course, we mutually, vehemently agreed not to act on that in any way, but... it was still something that came up. It was a bit awkward. Now, a short while after that incident I met his girlfriend (call her Lily) for the first time. I've since met her several times more, and hung out even when Sam's not there. She's good fun to be with. Additionally, she's really hot. She also flirts with me, far more than Sam does, and they openly talk about their sex in front of me. Sometimes I feel pretty awkward, especially since I'm an inexperienced virgin. They've both independently told me they’re in an “open relationship”, and I know Lily's had sex with other girls on the side before. There's been joking mention of threesomes between us, but the whole mess seems like a recipe for massive emotional trouble. I'm really not sure how I feel, or what to do. I'm physically attracted to both of them, but only intermittently, and I don't feel excited thinking about them like I would with someone I have a crush on. On the other hand, I have a lot of fun spending time with them, including flirting. To make things more confusing, there's another guy, Richard, who I think I might be genuinely interested in. He’s a medic, which I have enormous amounts of respect for, but it does mean he doesn't have a lot of free time. I see him a couple of times a week, because we have some hobbies in common, but he doesn't stick around long for socialisation after meet-ups because of how much work he has to do. I'd really like to interact with him more, but I don't want to seem pushy, especially since I'm so unsure of how I feel about him or anyone else. Last term he invited me to go on a weekend trip in another part of the country with him and some of our other friends, and drove me there in his car with one other guy, but I can't tell if that’s because he wanted me specifically to go, or if he was just recruiting any of his friends who might enjoy it. We didn't interact much while we were there, but maybe that had a lot to do with the activities we were doing not giving us much chance to. I don’t know. I'm not looking for anyone to tell me what to do. I know in the end I have to work it out for myself, but opinions and advice would be very much appreciated. Personal relationships are difficult. First and foremost, I don’t want to hurt anyone.
january2011 Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 I'm physically attracted to both of them, but only intermittently, and I don't feel excited thinking about them like I would with someone I have a crush on. On the other hand, I have a lot of fun spending time with them, including flirting. This is really all you need to know about Sam and Lily. If you're not excited, why would you sleep with them? In addition, you are virgin and this would be your first experience. Is that what you'd want? With regard to Richard, he's a medic and doesn't have a lot of free time. So unless you are happy to be in a relationship with someone in this position, it's a non-starter. I agree that you shouldn't be pushy in spending more time with him. It sounds like he doesn't have the luxury to carve out more free time for socialising and relationships - unless he gives up medicine. So at best, just make the most of the time you do spend with him. Overall, I don't think any of these options appear to be a good match. Why not expand your social circle through meetups, volunteering, etc. and develop other friendships? 1
Author Solipsanum Posted April 14, 2013 Author Posted April 14, 2013 This is really all you need to know about Sam and Lily. If you're not excited, why would you sleep with them? In addition, you are virgin and this would be your first experience. Is that what you'd want? You're probably right. I don't know what I do want my first experience to be like. To be honest, I'm a little bit put off by lovey-dovey stuff, probably from past experience. Not that I know how that translates into sex. If getting physical with them would be as much fun as hanging out with them generally, would that be so bad as a first experience? I don't know. What would you advise? Do you think the flirting's harmless, even if I have no intention of ever going any further? I don't want to make things awkward between us by giving the wrong impression. With regard to Richard, he's a medic and doesn't have a lot of free time. So unless you are happy to be in a relationship with someone in this position, it's a non-starter. I agree that you shouldn't be pushy in spending more time with him. It sounds like he doesn't have the luxury to carve out more free time for socialising and relationships - unless he gives up medicine. So at best, just make the most of the time you do spend with him. Looking at my own schedule, I don't have that much free time either, and much of it is spent doing the same things as him anyway. I didn't mean pushing to spend more time together so much as trying to interact with him more when we're in the same place as each other. It's true that time would be an issue if it ever went anywhere though. Overall, I don't think any of these options appear to be a good match. Why not expand your social circle through meetups, volunteering, etc. and develop other friendships? Thanks for the suggestions. I'm not at all sure I want a romantic relationship in my life at all at the moment, but it's a facet of life, and I don't want to put my foot in it inadvertently.
january2011 Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 I think that mild flirting is harmless, though sex talk is probably a grey area. As long as all parties are in agreement that the flirting is just banter and will not lead anywhere, potentially, it's harmless. For those partnered up, if you wouldn't do it in front of your SO, then don't do it behind his/her back. It sounds like you might be looking for companionship and/or a friends-with-benefits situation. I'd advise sexual activity with someone you're at least attracted to, even if you're not looking for a long-term relationship. In my experience, if the flirting is fun, it doesn't mean that the sex will be good. And if you've never had sex before, it's probably very difficult for you to judge whether it's good or not - assuming this is not an intellectual tickbox exercise and you're looking for some enjoyment out of it. If you don't do this yet, I'd advise you to get to know your own body so that you are aware of its sexual responses and potentially what you might/might not like. If you've not orgasmed before, I'd definitely advise you to work towards achieving this on your own before trying it with a partner. Work out what it is you do want, whether a short-term fling, ONS, FWB, etc. If you don't want a romantic relationship or anything long-term then be clear and honest about this at the beginning when you talk to a potential sexual partner.
hppr Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 As a guy I was in the same position going into college and it's not something that is cured by overthinking. Honestly you just have to get out there and learn from experience. There's no "safe" way to figure out the "right" guy for you that doesn't involve any risk. 1
Author Solipsanum Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 I think that mild flirting is harmless, though sex talk is probably a grey area. As long as all parties are in agreement that the flirting is just banter and will not lead anywhere, potentially, it's harmless. For those partnered up, if you wouldn't do it in front of your SO, then don't do it behind his/her back. It sounds like you might be looking for companionship and/or a friends-with-benefits situation. I'd advise sexual activity with someone you're at least attracted to, even if you're not looking for a long-term relationship. In my experience, if the flirting is fun, it doesn't mean that the sex will be good. And if you've never had sex before, it's probably very difficult for you to judge whether it's good or not - assuming this is not an intellectual tickbox exercise and you're looking for some enjoyment out of it. If you don't do this yet, I'd advise you to get to know your own body so that you are aware of its sexual responses and potentially what you might/might not like. If you've not orgasmed before, I'd definitely advise you to work towards achieving this on your own before trying it with a partner. Work out what it is you do want, whether a short-term fling, ONS, FWB, etc. If you don't want a romantic relationship or anything long-term then be clear and honest about this at the beginning when you talk to a potential sexual partner. Thanks for the advice. I think you've hit the nail on the head, in that I really don't know what I want. Part of the problem is that I don't feel like I have a clear grasp of what is and isn't socially acceptable. I know that I, in principle, don't have any problem with one-night-stands, or any other sexual and/or romantic set-up that makes the people involved happy... the problem is in managing expectations. I've been told I sometimes give mixed signals with my behaviour, and I really want to avoid giving the wrong impression. I think I'm certainly not looking for romance and commitment. I'm not ready for that. I've had problems in the past with people getting far more attached to me than I am to them, and I hate hurting people. I'd consider myself pretty in touch with my own sexuality... excepting of course any clue as to how to fit other people into the picture. I'm interested in exploring a bit, I think, but I get all these messages from society that it's somehow "not okay" to look for companionship or sex without wanting all the emotional baggage that goes with it. Am I misinterpreting that, or am I going to upset and offend people by trying to take that route? As a guy I was in the same position going into college and it's not something that is cured by overthinking. Honestly you just have to get out there and learn from experience. There's no "safe" way to figure out the "right" guy for you that doesn't involve any risk. I'm glad I'm not the only one who's been in this boat! I do have this habit of overthinking things. Sometimes I even catch myself analysing my tendency to overthink things and wondering how to best overcome it. I'm sure you're right, but thinking it is one thing and working up the courage and decisiveness to actually do it is another!
january2011 Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 It depends on your definition of society. Your location, culture, immediate peers, family and friends as well as historical/legal/ethical/moral considerations etc are all factors that might be considered important in forming a view of society. What I'd suggest is that you find out what it is you want. Then figure out if it fits into "society." Do some reading. Talk to people. Even if you find that what you want is outside of what your society considers acceptable, you will find some part of the world (whether online or offline) where you will fit in nicely. Be honest about communicating your needs. For example, if you just want companionship or sex, then make it clear to your potential partners. If you are not a match for each other, then move on. You don't have to follow the script that society presents to you. Just put one foot in front of the other and figure out what works for you.
todreaminblue Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 I have not been social other than church in a long time in fact avoidance is something i am good at...i understand what you are feeling...dont involve yourself in an open relationship, its not a good idea for the reason you stated.......the medic sounds more like what you need a slow building relationship..friendship first.......i have opened myself up lately and i think its attracted others....sounds like you are opening up...doesnt mean you attract all good though.......just take it slow.......i am not a huge flirter i joke around dont let it get to sexual as it gets uncomfortable for me too much like hooking...... I can normally tell if a guy likes me i feel a spark.....and if i feel that spark back from my side ill kamikaze myself........but....i dont trust my radar lately making me hesitant to move ........my instincts were off last time..i dont like making others uncomfortable and i am not out to hurt anyone either....and i wont hurt anyone......i would tell you to go with your heart....dont do anything you dont want to and take it slow...dont be with someone you are not truly attracted to....best wishes.....deb
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