ana0pera Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 Broke up with my bf officially about a week ago, although he had been giving me the silent treatment (or something closely resembling it) for nearly a month as he wrapped his head around how to approach the situation we landed ourselves in. We had an argument, I asked his ex about something, he got angry about me approaching his ex but didn't tell me (just ignored me), I told him I was frustrated with him and needed to know if we were (a) together (b) just friends for now or ©nothing anymore. he finally told me (b) when I told him I was frustrated and going to go NC. Then he let me know he was upset about the fact that I contacted his ex and said some things about him. We talked for a bit and I basically decide I need to go NC even though he wanted me to keep contacting him because he "likes it." For my own mental health I realized I needed to cut contact so I did and told him he could get in contact with me if he ever wanted to but I can't right now. I am starting to feel a lot better about the situation, I don't blame myself and I don't even know if I'd want to get back with him. I keep flip-flopping on that. There are a number of problems that developed towards the end, perhaps I pressured him to move too fast into a relationship with me, and the fact that we were LD doesn't help as with our current careers it's not easy to up and move countries. I've been tempted to contact him but I haven't so far, not even on his birthday. Today I was looking for something on my computer and I found a picture he took of me and sent to me when we first met, and it made my heart melt. I totally forgot about that picture, in it I look so happy and I haven't felt that happy in a long time, but I am starting to get there again (a lot of the stressors outside of my relationship have lifted; of course, as my "work life" gets better and balanced, my "love life" takes a plunge)! It made me miss him though and how things were before I went crazy. I am going to Europe in a few months, will be there for a few weeks. I will be near his country (a 90 min flight away). Originally he was going to come and see me but then our relationship ended and I didn't think it wise for us to see each other, which we were both upset about. Now I am having second thoughts. This is what I am thinking Should I just forget about it? Should I ask him about it within the next few weeks before I leave? (I am leaving my country, but not off to Europe just yet) Should I ask him about it when I get to Europe (in June). I don't really know what I want out of this yet, I am not sure if we should get back together but I did value his friendship and I think I would like to have that at least, although that might be a bad idea. I know he was pretty hurt by what I did and I was hurt by what he said, he is also the type of person who doesn't want to talk about his feelings right away (unlike me) so I am giving him space, and me space as well, to figure out where to go from here. Part of me really wants to contact him and just say hi, but I am also curious to see if he would ever pick up the phone or write an e-mail to initiate contact. Anyone have advice or perspective? I am very new to this and don't know what is and is not appropriate for both of us as we heal. I am thinking that I could tell him when I buy my tickets (which will be sometime in the next two weeks), or send him a picture of a well-known landmark when I get to Europe in June. Also, I am debating how long I should stay... the end of my trip coincides with one of his holidays so it would be perfect for me to stay a bit longer to see him, but I don't know if that's going to happen. I can avoid a let-down by just leaving Europe before his holiday starts so that our paths wouldn't cross, or (and I like this idea, but it'd be expensive) I could stay a little longer to explore some places we had talked about visiting together... I would do this alone, and it would be nice for me since I don't get alone time too often anymore (I am an introvert surrounded by extroverts) and I need to relearn being independent. Any thoughts?
lynn1954 Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 Don't contact him, don't meet him in Europe, don't do anything to continue this relationship. It's hard to break up, so it's natural to have some conflicting feelings about keeping it going. He is not the right man for you. This is not a good relationship for you. Stay strong, get yourself through the discomfort of the break up, and spend some time by yourself without any man. After you've recovered, you'll be free to find a healthy, happy relationship that's good for you.
Author ana0pera Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 Thanks lynn for the advice. I am curious though as to why you think it's a lost cause and I shouldn't pursue it further? I am honestly curious, it's always nice to hear from someone who wasn't involved in the relationship, to get their opinions on what is and is not healthy. I can see where things went wrong and I am starting to see him for who he is better, and see myself in that light as well. It is helping me to grow to see where I did wrong, and also to see what things I put up with from him that I shouldn't have. I started journaling to boost my confidence. I shouldn't even try to see him just as friends? I am not ready for another relationship right now, that is for sure. The idea sounds very alluring but I need to figure out how to navigate relationships a little better before I am "fit" to get into another one.
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