He can't promise me

[seriousgirl]

I am a Chinese and I am 21, he is 25.

He is a british married with a Chinese. Their baby will be 1 this month.

We met online a year ago and then we chatted. We chatted happily and we had a special connection. He told me his wife is very annoying and lazy not going to work most of the time. And he felt his life controlled. He had been wanting to divorce her but she was pregant so he felt he had to be there for her. He told me they always had big argument and had mentioned divorce for a few times before finding out her preganancy but they still had sex afterwards. He didnt know why.

 

At first, i felt very immoral to fall in love with a married man but he said her wife flirted with another guy too so he didnt feel immoral at all. We then started last October. We had happy times together. Sometimes i went to somewhere near he lives to see him and vice versa. Even there were lots of risks seeing each other at his home or in the public and i felt i deserve more. i felt that i love this man so i should live at the moment. There is not right and wrong about love. And he promised me firmly that he would divorce his wife by the end of 2013 even i doubted him a lot.And he said he hadnt had sex with his wife since last August and i believe. I really believe him because i do. so we have been together for 6 months till now. We tried to have sex but didnt succeed. We just had oral sex. I could feel his love.. But as i love him more i get parnoid more. I always pressure him to tell me what he is doing and report to me. I know i make him can't breathe. Last week after he came back from England visiting his family ,, he told me he couldnt go on anymore.He felt that he couldn't keep the promise anymore. He feels stress from everywhere, like finding a new job, going home and see a shoutingwife and taking care of a screaming baby everyday and things to be coped with after divorce and doesnt think he can divorce her so soon. He will do it when he is free and less pressured someday.

 

I was totally collapsed. He said he wanna take a step back and we can get back together when he is totally free. But i can't. I think i am too stupid to wait for a man without any commitment from him. i know i deserve a guy who loves me unconditionally someday. But i also know life is short. so i just look for someone who is perfect to me, but not the best one. I suggested i wont stress him and force him to call me everyday again. And we can just meet at least once or twice a month. He agreed. But the way he chats to me is just different from what he used to.

 

Can anyone give me advice??? :(:(

[lynn1954]

Hi, I'm so sorry that you are in this unhappy situation.

 

Please leave this man now, he is not good for you.

 

Spend some time without any man.

 

Enjoy things that you like to do. Spend time with people you like. Spend time with family and friends who love you.

 

You are so young, you will have time to meet an unmarried man who loves you, a man without big problems like a wife and baby, etc.

 

You can have a wonderful life with a good man. Keep looking for that good man, and you will find him.

[Goodbye]

You are so young! Don't do this to yourself. You really can move on and do better.

[seriousgirl]

Thanks for all replies.

He married her because it's a long distance relationship. Theydidnt want to fly betweenn the UK and HK to see. So he could only marry her to get VISA to stay here. But as he said now he working eperience he can easily get a VISA to stay here. And reading what he and his wife argued on whatsapp,, his wife said that she knew he doesnt love her anymore. When he said they should have seperate future, she said she knew they just married because he needed a VISA.... so this made me think that someday his wife will really think about her own life and divorce him first ><

 

ANyway, i am going to Australia in JUly (study there for almost 4 months),, should i still be with him and gradually step away from him? Or should i do it one-off and stop contacting him ?? i wanted to do it after he told me he wanted to take a step back last week ,i said goodbye after seeing him ,,but i just couldnt handle that on the following day and i messaged him again.:(:(:(

[awkward]

Or should i do it one-off and stop contacting him ??

 

 

End it swiftly. Go NC. Move on with your life. Later you will be glad you did. If you stay and wait it out, and he does leave, what you will have is a cheater.

[seriousgirl]

he said he is confident that we can build it up again when he is totally free... But i need we cant or it's very unlikely.. i really want to hold him back and convince him....i really want to tell his wife about us and make her divorce and give up but i cant in the reality.. or my life will be ruined . :(:(

[WhoreyBull]

You are a young girl going to Australia.

There are handsome guys with no wives who will love only you.

How about you give looking for one of them a chance before you dedicate your life to this guy.

如果他真爱你，他和她就分手。If he loved you he'd be making himself free now.

Edited April 15, 2013 by WhoreyBull

[seriousgirl]

Thanks , i know and i will explore and find the best guy when i am there.

The reasons why i still dont give him up is because i believe that we can have a bright and happy future tgt when he is divorced. We have very simiar attitude to life and interest. And we are both peaceful type not shouting type. We both teach students English... So i doubt if can find another guy like him in the future. But the present doubt for me is that i have more free time now so i cant distract myself from this broken relationship,, so i plan to still be with him even i get no promise from him.. then when i go there i ll have distraction and forget it more easily and less painfully. Is it a right decision ???

[seriousgirl]

As i posted before, i was with a married British for 6 months. I am a Chinese and so is her wife. Their baby is 1 now. We were friends first and soon we talked more and felt more than friends,especially when he felt annoyed by his wife. He felt that they have very different attitude towards life and things. But due to changingwork later and financial burden , he could only promise me he would divorce her by the end of 2013. But two weeks ago, he told me he wants to take a step . He wants to do things properly anddoesnt want an affair anymore .He will divorce her when he is ready to and then we can have a normal relationship. I will graduate in 2 years while he is a teacher now . I really feel we match in personality or things. the only obstacle is that he is married. And i dont mind he has a daughter. Now we have a complicated relationship , he isnt as sweet as he used to to me now, but he would still say'you too' when i tell him 'i love him' and he would show me his pic of body even i dont send him any. I feel he still loves me or he would already ignore me.

 

I want your opinion.. do you think his reason is logical ? That he feels pressured in having an affair and he hopes to have a normal relationship when he is single ( Well,,i always asked him to report to me what he was doing in the past few months, i might be indeed annoyed and demanded too much .. while he always tried his best to see me and cared about me a lot )

[ThatJustHappened]

As i posted before, i was with a married British for 6 months. I am a Chinese and so is her wife. Their baby is 1 now. We were friends first and soon we talked more and felt more than friends,especially when he felt annoyed by his wife. He felt that they have very different attitude towards life and things. But due to changingwork later and financial burden , he could only promise me he would divorce her by the end of 2013. But two weeks ago, he told me he wants to take a step . He wants to do things properly anddoesnt want an affair anymore .He will divorce her when he is ready to and then we can have a normal relationship. I will graduate in 2 years while he is a teacher now . I really feel we match in personality or things. the only obstacle is that he is married. And i dont mind he has a daughter. Now we have a complicated relationship , he isnt as sweet as he used to to me now, but he would still say'you too' when i tell him 'i love him' and he would show me his pic of body even i dont send him any. I feel he still loves me or he would already ignore me.

 

I want your opinion.. do you think his reason is logical ? That he feels pressured in having an affair and he hopes to have a normal relationship when he is single ( Well,,i always asked him to report to me what he was doing in the past few months, i might be indeed annoyed and demanded too much .. while he always tried his best to see me and cared about me a lot )

 

You tell him you love him and he responds by sending you pictures of his penis? No, that is most assuredly not love, it's sex. Walk away honey.

[KraftDinner]

Many men that need attention and validation stray when the wife is pregnant and then has a baby. All of a sudden the poor man feels awful because the wife pays no attention. This is a very common time for needy men to stray.

 

I give the guy credit for telling you it was stressful to have an affair. I agree with your guy. For a nice man it must be incredibly stressful to lie and to live a double life. This is best done by philanderers.

 

You must end this relationship right away. This poor man is not right for you and probably felt guilty and could not have an erection. He is probably not a typical cheater. He is doing you a favor by not by stepping back.

 

Your comment about commitment is highly illogical. This guy is married, he cannot be committed to you. What kind of logic is this?

 

Yes, poor widdle cheater doesn't get enough attention from mama cuz she's paying attention to the other baby.

 

What a nice man.

[SunshineToday]

It would be super great of you to tell his Wife what is going on so she can make an informed decision on her life and her daughters life.

 

Then after that if you still want to wait for him--go for it. Maybe once the wife knows she will give him a quicker divorce and he will want to marry you??

 

But that almost never happens, so maybe you will meet a great Single guy while you are waiting. Your MM kind of sounds like a jerk and a liar.

 

Good luck!

[DelusionalOne]

He wants to do things properly and doesnt want an affair anymore .He will divorce her when he is ready to and then we can have a normal relationship.

 

Seriousgirl... he is making his intentions very clearly known. 1. He doesn't want the affair anymore. i.e. It's over. He's telling you it's over.

 

2. It went from him divorcing her by the end of 2013 (which by the way is 8 months away) to "when he is ready". He is telling you that he will NOT be divorcing her by the end of this year. He will divorce her when he is good and ready. Maybe next year, the year after or 5 years down the road. He can have a couple more kids by then and then he will tell you he can't leave because of the kids.

 

In the nicest, most cowardly way, he is telling you it's over.... but doesn't mind you hanging around as Plan B.

 

Please do yourself a favor. Walk away. Find someone single that you can be happy with.

[lynn1954]

 

I want your opinion.. do you think his reason is logical ? That he feels pressured in having an affair and he hopes to have a normal relationship when he is single ( Well,,i always asked him to report to me what he was doing in the past few months, i might be indeed annoyed and demanded too much .. while he always tried his best to see me and cared about me a lot )

 

No, his reason is not logical.

 

This man is not a good man; please end the relationship, then heal, then find a wonderful man, not this man!

 

Your post name is "seriousgirl"; sweetie, you're a 21-year-old student, and you deserve to be "happygirl", "havingfungirl", "lovinglifegirl".

 

After a short, sad time of getting over this man, then you'll feel happy.

 

Do you have a loving mother who you can talk to about this? If no mom, then another mature woman (aunt, counselor, teacher, neighbor, etc) that you can talk in person.

 

Re-read the other answers above. You asked us for help, and most of us are quite sympathetic to help a young girl like you to avoid a big mistake.

 

Save yourself, take care of yourself, love yourself!

 

We're here to support you!

[seriousgirl]

No, his reason is not logical.

 

This man is not a good man; please end the relationship, then heal, then find a wonderful man, not this man!

 

Your post name is "seriousgirl"; sweetie, you're a 21-year-old student, and you deserve to be "happygirl", "havingfungirl", "lovinglifegirl".

 

After a short, sad time of getting over this man, then you'll feel happy.

 

Do you have a loving mother who you can talk to about this? If no mom, then another mature woman (aunt, counselor, teacher, neighbor, etc) that you can talk in person.

 

Re-read the other answers above. You asked us for help, and most of us are quite sympathetic to help a young girl like you to avoid a big mistake.

 

Save yourself, take care of yourself, love yourself!

 

We're here to support you!

 

 

Thank you very much for all the sincere replies.

For the first week he said that to me , i could't eat and sleep.. My whole brain was about him and our happy memories. I hate his wife so much!!

Breaking up is such a torturing thing in the whole world!!!

There are always questions coming to my mind still ... i know i am stubborn ,, but i just dont want to regret when the ending is their marriage works out again and he tells me it s because we stop contacting and it just happens .. Here are some doubts in my mind

 

(1) As i read his message with his wife, it's true that their marriage isn't sweet or caring anymore.. They had a big argument in Jan as well . She told him that she could feel he doesnt love him anymore and he did say they wont be suitable for each other in the future.. His wife then said she didnt want the baby to have a broken family and asked to try again with crying help that night. He was annoyed and thus said yes.

Doesn't it show that it is likely that they will divorce ??

 

(2) I wanted to tell his wife so badly!!! But it wont bring us together.

I am still studying and he is working. If his wife knows the affair , he will be screwed. His life and career are going to suck . And i can't help him financially . How can we be together ? Is there any way that i can do to make her wife divorce him or think seriously about the marriage (that she is only 23 years old this year, if she divorces him quickly , it's easier for her to have a new life with someone with her baby ) ??? (P.S. i know her facebook pw and phone number )

 

(3) I think there is a little chance that he will take back the words because he still loves me .. What can i do to melt his heart except saying sweet things ??

 

(4) Actually i ll be going to Australia in about 3 months,, and staying there for 4 months.. is it stupid to keep this relationship still and then see what happen to me after i come back ?? maybe he will know he really wants me and divorces her ??

Edited April 27, 2013 by seriousgirl
haven't finished.

[Praying4Peace]

Thank you very much for all the sincere replies.

For the first week he said that to me , i could't eat and sleep.. My whole brain was about him and our happy memories. I hate his wife so much!!

Breaking up is such a torturing thing in the whole world!!!

There are always questions coming to my mind still ... i know i am stubborn ,, but i just dont want to regret when the ending is their marriage works out again and he tells me it s because we stop contacting and it just happens .. Here are some doubts in my mind

 

(1) As i read his message with his wife, it's true that their marriage isn't sweet or caring anymore.. They had a big argument in Jan as well . She told him that she could feel he doesnt love him anymore and he did say they wont be suitable for each other in the future.. His wife then said she didnt want the baby to have a broken family and asked to try again with crying help that night. He was annoyed and thus said yes.

Doesn't it show that it is likely that they will divorce ??

 

(2) I wanted to tell his wife so badly!!! But it wont bring us together.

I am still studying and he is working. If his wife knows the affair , he will be screwed. His life and career are going to suck . And i can't help him financially . How can we be together ? Is there any way that i can do to make her wife divorce him or think seriously about the marriage (that she is only 23 years old this year, if she divorces him quickly , it's easier for her to have a new life with someone with her baby ) ??? (P.S. i know her facebook pw and phone number )

 

(3) I think there is a little chance that he will take back the words because he still loves me .. What can i do to melt his heart except saying sweet things ??

 

(4) Actually i ll be going to Australia in about 3 months,, and staying there for 4 months.. is it stupid to keep this relationship still and then see what happen to me after i come back ?? maybe he will know he really wants me and divorces her ??

 

Just let him go. I mean this sincerely. You've already been with him as a third wheel in his marriage and now its time to let HIM figure things out for himself. There's nothing you can do. And why do you want HER to divorce him? Would that make you happy? She isn't holding him in a cage. He would leave her if he didn't want to be there. I don't care if he's there for his baby or for his video games that they jointly own...he's there because that is what is bringing him the most happiness. And when it doesn't he will leave.

 

Do you want her to divorce him so he will come to you? And then what? What if she divorces him and he didn't want her to? Will you be happy handing him tissues while he cries and pines for his home and his baby? That sounds like a real nightmare to me!

 

I realize my message may be harsh to you. I am an OW so I get what you are feeling (though I was married when my mess started). I still love him and I spontaneously burst into tears like 4 times today. I want to help you realize that love isn't about ownership. As if he's this thing and if she puts him out on the curb you can just pick him up. That's more about 'possession'. Do you want to possess him or do you love him? If you love him then let him be happy without whoever he chooses.

 

You are young. You are lucky. You have your whole life ahead of you. Just walk away and into something better. It will hurt but just do it...the hurt is normal and post here if it gets bad.

 

Take care

[seriousgirl]

Why do you hate his wife?

How do you know her password for her facebook?

You are only 21 with no child with him, so uh why don't you just get over him quickly and it will be easier for you to meet someone else? And no, there is nothing you can do or say to make his wife divorce him.

You do realize even if they get divorced she will still always be apart of his life because of their child right?

Or do you want her and the child out of his life?

 

Well you re right i am still young there are lots better men than him in the world. But i think some OW may also have this feeling that love is sometimes irresistable. We cant control it easily even we want to . And for me... i always think that finding the best guy for myself is not easy , in terms of life attitude, personality and other habits. And he is the right one to me . From these few months, i observe that we two will make a happy life together. So i was willing to wait. And now i think maybe just one more step then we can be together ...And yes i can accept he is married and his past because i love his good and bad things. Dont these mean love ? When you love someone, you accept everything. This is what i think. And if his wife take the action first i am almost certain that he will take it. A reason that he hasnt filed it is because he always wants to end it with good terms. like not bringing it to the court since he still wants to see his daughter frequently .

[seriousgirl]

Just let him go. I mean this sincerely. You've already been with him as a third wheel in his marriage and now its time to let HIM figure things out for himself. There's nothing you can do. And why do you want HER to divorce him? Would that make you happy? She isn't holding him in a cage. He would leave her if he didn't want to be there. I don't care if he's there for his baby or for his video games that they jointly own...he's there because that is what is bringing him the most happiness. And when it doesn't he will leave.

 

Do you want her to divorce him so he will come to you? And then what? What if she divorces him and he didn't want her to? Will you be happy handing him tissues while he cries and pines for his home and his baby? That sounds like a real nightmare to me!

 

I realize my message may be harsh to you. I am an OW so I get what you are feeling (though I was married when my mess started). I still love him and I spontaneously burst into tears like 4 times today. I want to help you realize that love isn't about ownership. As if he's this thing and if she puts him out on the curb you can just pick him up. That's more about 'possession'. Do you want to possess him or do you love him? If you love him then let him be happy without whoever he chooses.

 

You are young. You are lucky. You have your whole life ahead of you. Just walk away and into something better. It will hurt but just do it...the hurt is normal and post here if it gets bad.

 

Take care

 

Hello ,,, thanks for your comment.. Can we talk individually ?? i iwant to talk with people who used to be in my situation .. i feel very bad now

[ForeverHopeful1]

My advice is to STOP HAVING SEX/AN AFFAIR WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S HUSBAND. BACK OFF. HE'S NOT YOURS. HE IS MARRIED. SIMPLY PUT.

 

Move on. This sounds like the bullcrap my friend was told too and I spent months trying to convince her that he was dirt and nothing but a lying, serial cheating, loser. Why OW believe they are special enough for the MM to leave is beyond me... Her MM said all the same things... Guess what? He said they weren't sleeping together and sleeping in different rooms and then she found out his wife was pregnant again. Well, how did that happen if she wasn't even in the same bed? Idiot!!! Lol. He started the affair 27 days after his daughter was born and it continued for 6 months when he finally told her they were having another baby. So they were happy enough as a married couple to have a 6 month old and then get pregnant again on purpose. Don't fall for this BS! His life was absolutely fine and normal at home. He was just having his cake and eating it too. The W found out and demanded they leave the country and go home to their home country. They did. She is now divorced because of this affair and he has NEVER spoken to her again. So she lost both her husband and her AP.

 

You're 21, and all he has with you is oral sex, and someone to nag him all the time about where he is and what he's doing. I would tell you to bugger off too. He IS married. That's what he's doing. He IS being a husband and being with his wife and being with his child. Do you want to know the truth? He will not tell you what the real truth is.

 

With her, it probably is NOWHERE near as bad as he is making it sound. He probably loves her, probably wants to be married, and have more children with her, he is probably sleeping with her. If he told you she was an amazing wife, he would look horrible for cheating on his wife. He lies to you about her because he wants to sleep with you. You're nothing but an affair to him and I'm sorry you believed ANY of his bull****.

[lynn1954]

Well you re right i am still young there are lots better men than him in the world. But i think some OW may also have this feeling that love is sometimes irresistable. We cant control it easily even we want to . And for me... i always think that finding the best guy for myself is not easy , in terms of life attitude, personality and other habits. And he is the right one to me . From these few months, i observe that we two will make a happy life together. So i was willing to wait. And now i think maybe just one more step then we can be together ...And yes i can accept he is married and his past because i love his good and bad things. Dont these mean love ? When you love someone, you accept everything. This is what i think. And if his wife take the action first i am almost certain that he will take it. A reason that he hasnt filed it is because he always wants to end it with good terms. like not bringing it to the court since he still wants to see his daughter frequently .

 

Child, please.

 

When you love someone, you DO NOT accept everything.

 

He is married right now, so you must act based on right now.

 

Today, he is married, so walk away from him and make NO CONTACT with him.

 

He and his wife will make a decision about divorce WITHOUT YOUR INPUT.

 

Yes, indeed, some MM actually get divorced and then marry their OW. My exH married his OW after he got divorced from me.

 

Yes, while you're in Australia it's okay to just "wait", because it's probably not a good idea to meet and fall in love with someone in Australia because that's not where you want to live, is it? So, you can be "without love" in Australia.

 

Most of us think you should walk away from MM, and that sometime later in life you WILL meet a different single man who also shares your habits, your outlook about life, your interests, etc.

 

You keep telling us that you prefer to wait for MM.

 

He can file for divorce first and still end his marriage on good terms. His divorce settlement can give him rights to see his daughter frequently even if he is not on good terms with his exWife.

Edited April 27, 2013 by lynn1954

[spice4life]

I am a Chinese and I am 21, he is 25.

He is a british married with a Chinese. Their baby will be 1 this month.

We met online a year ago and then we chatted. We chatted happily and we had a special connection. He told me his wife is very annoying and lazy not going to work most of the time. And he felt his life controlled. He had been wanting to divorce her but she was pregant so he felt he had to be there for her. He told me they always had big argument and had mentioned divorce for a few times before finding out her preganancy but they still had sex afterwards. He didnt know why.

 

At first, i felt very immoral to fall in love with a married man but he said her wife flirted with another guy too so he didnt feel immoral at all. We then started last October. We had happy times together. Sometimes i went to somewhere near he lives to see him and vice versa. Even there were lots of risks seeing each other at his home or in the public and i felt i deserve more. i felt that i love this man so i should live at the moment. There is not right and wrong about love. And he promised me firmly that he would divorce his wife by the end of 2013 even i doubted him a lot.And he said he hadnt had sex with his wife since last August and i believe. I really believe him because i do. so we have been together for 6 months till now. We tried to have sex but didnt succeed. We just had oral sex. I could feel his love.. But as i love him more i get parnoid more. I always pressure him to tell me what he is doing and report to me. I know i make him can't breathe. Last week after he came back from England visiting his family ,, he told me he couldnt go on anymore.He felt that he couldn't keep the promise anymore. He feels stress from everywhere, like finding a new job, going home and see a shoutingwife and taking care of a screaming baby everyday and things to be coped with after divorce and doesnt think he can divorce her so soon. He will do it when he is free and less pressured someday.

 

I was totally collapsed. He said he wanna take a step back and we can get back together when he is totally free. But i can't. I think i am too stupid to wait for a man without any commitment from him. i know i deserve a guy who loves me unconditionally someday. But i also know life is short. so i just look for someone who is perfect to me, but not the best one. I suggested i wont stress him and force him to call me everyday again. And we can just meet at least once or twice a month. He agreed. But the way he chats to me is just different from what he used to.

 

Can anyone give me advice??? :(:(

 

My only advice is simple but true...do a 180 and forget worrying about what he will do and start living your life for YOU. If it's hard to do just fake it until you make it! Don't ever waste your deserving emotional energy on someone who chooses to put you on the bottom of the list of priorities. Their obligations elsewhere are not your problem it's theirs. Give him what he is asking for and walk away until he is free to be with you in the open and in a honest way. Anything short of that is not worth it.