Author Star Gazer Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 What's her status on FB? Can't see it. Only the profile pictures and location. No friends list. He's divorced. I know that for sure, if that's what you're getting at.
Imajerk17 Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Your expectations for a dad who is committed to his kids are entirely reasonable. Even at this early stage when you are nowhere near ready to be meeting them. That he doesn't talk about them (and that other evidence points to him not being committed) is indeed a red flag. What strikes me as an even bigger red flag though (MUCH bigger) is that you don't feel comfortable bringing up his kids with him in any capacity. I mean you know you can learn a lot by asking him "how they are doing"..... 1
amaysngrace Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Can't see it. Only the profile pictures and location. No friends list. He's divorced. I know that for sure, if that's what you're getting at. No I was thinking re-married to the five year old's dad...
eleanorhurting Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 I think you should ask him directly how his kids are doing and see what he says
GorillaTheater Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 No I was thinking re-married to the five year old's dad... Interesting guess. It wouldn't be unheard of, and if something like this happened would certainly explain why he doesn't talk about them. But I agree with the others; ask him. 1
Author Star Gazer Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 But I agree with the others; ask him. Ask him what and how?
GorillaTheater Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Ask him what and how? "Tell me about your kids. What are they like?"
amaysngrace Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Ask him what and how? Ask him about his kids.
tuxedo cat Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Is it possible he doesn't want to burden your interaction with talk of his kids? Maybe he's concerned it will turn you off? That's the most charitable explanation, though. I would be concerned as well. I think you should just ask him, "Hey, so you haven't mentioned your kids much. What are they like?"
tbf Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 What we do know about him: He's divorced and filed for it.Less than 50% custody.Has a loft that doesn't appear to be kid friendly.Never talks about his kids.Leads a bachelor lifestyle.Likes to dominate the conversation.Sets up the rules about topics to discuss.His wife's facebook is all about the kids. He sounds like a traditionalist who grew tired of being married and a father. 1
tuxedo cat Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 I can't find his FB. He must have his privacy settings on lockdown, unsearchable. I did find his exW's. Her profile and cover pictures are of the kids. Maybe he doesn't have a facebook. Google sleuthing skills: People who are unsearchable still show up in friends' friends lists. So if you can find one of his facebook friends he should show up in their list of friends. If you don't know any of his friends, you might be able to track some down by looking at who has viewed his linkedin profile, or, if he has google+, looking for people in his circle.
Author Star Gazer Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 What we do know about him: He's divorced and filed for it.Less than 50% custody.Has a loft that doesn't appear to be kid friendly.Never talks about his kids.Leads a bachelor lifestyle.Likes to dominate the conversation.Sets up the rules about topics to discuss.His wife's facebook is all about the kids. He sounds like a traditionalist who grew tired of being married and a father. He has them 50% of the time, not less than that. He's also a surgeon, and a team doctor for a professional sports team; both of which consume his time and thoughts. It's all he really talks about. But yes, I hear what you're saying. He got divorced 2 years after the first was born.
tbf Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 He has them 50% of the time, not less than that. He's also a surgeon, and a team doctor for a professional sports team; both of which consume his time and thoughts. It's all he really talks about. But yes, I hear what you're saying. He got divorced 2 years after the first was born.Is it possible that the first child caused the marriage in the first place and the second, broke the marriage since he was once again, a reluctant father? 1
Author Star Gazer Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 Maybe he doesn't have a facebook. Google sleuthing skills: People who are unsearchable still show up in friends' friends lists. So if you can find one of his facebook friends he should show up in their list of friends. If you don't know any of his friends, you might be able to track some down by looking at who has viewed his linkedin profile, or, if he has google+, looking for people in his circle. He does have one. He's mentioned it. The two friends of his I've met don't have public friends lists. He's a 3rd level contact on LinkedIn, I cannot see those contacts either.
Author Star Gazer Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 Is it possible that the first child caused the marriage in the first place and the second, broke the marriage since he was once again, a reluctant father? Very possible. I think his marriage was very short, given that he's moved a lot for his career and has spoken about dating or other single-circumstances in each of those cities, and has only been in the area since a few years before he divorced.
eleanorhurting Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 He's a surgeon? really? as much as I hate stereotypes, he sounds like a lot of the surgeons I have met in real life (I am about to officially be an MD remember so I have met tons). Most of the surgeons I have met in real life are not like Mcdreamy or Mcsteamy. They are tough and a lot of them have narcissistic traits and dominating personalities. . I went out with one that I was set up with a while back and I could not stand him he was so full of himself. He also had a bmw that I am sure he could not afford and at 32 he was living the forever bachelor lifestyle. There are exceptions of course but its just an observation.
Author Star Gazer Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 Eleanor: I appreciate the insight, but I tend to ignore stereotypes based on profession. Remember, I'm an attorney, which carries a reputation all its own. That said, there are definitely traits that cover most, if not all, surgeons (smart, detail oriented, focused)... But the negative I just won't ascribe with a broad brush. He's actually pretty modest.
FitChick Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 He filed for divorce when the youngest kid was born. Makes me wonder if that kid belongs to another man. Do both kids look alike? Perhaps he never wanted kids but agreed to only one and then she tricked him into another one so he left. If that's the case, he was stupid for not having a vasectomy.. 1
eleanorhurting Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Eleanor: I appreciate the insight, but I tend to ignore stereotypes based on profession. Remember, I'm an attorney, which carries a reputation all its own. That said, there are definitely traits that cover most, if not all, surgeons (smart, detail oriented, focused)... But the negative I just won't ascribe with a broad brush. He's actually pretty modest. yeah I know what you mean someone today told me that all psychiatrist are crazy I was like Ok thanks...? my attending physician when i was in my surgery rotation was a total jerk but he would talk abut his daughter sometimes. And then he would go back to yelling at us about how incompetent we were 1
Author Star Gazer Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 He filed for divorce when the youngest kid was born. Makes me wonder if that kid belongs to another man. Do both kids look alike? Perhaps he never wanted kids but agreed to only one and then she tricked him into another one so he left. If that's the case, he was stupid for not having a vasectomy.. I think they look alike, but they look nothing like him. Both are fair and blonde. He's neither, but I don't know what she looks like.
eleanorhurting Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 anyway like I said before I think you should ask him. Thats what I would do But I have been told I ask a lot of questions and that i can be annoying so take that with a grain of salt.. I would say something like "so how are your kiddos doing" or "it is going to be summer what do your kids do over the summer I remember when I was a kid I used to love May when school was out" or something like that to see his reaction 2
BluEyeL Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 I didn't read the whole thread, but I would say that for now, he is single and he is very focused on himself and enjoying a bachelors life style. If you two end up working out as a couple and he falls in love with you, I'm sure he'll switch his mindset at that time. I don't blame him for his lifestyle now, even if he has the kids 50% of the time. We still don't know how he treats the children, he might not be a good father, or he might actually be, since he has 50/50 custody (unless that arrangement was done so he doesn't pay child support). Also, two dates is too early to analyze so much. Invest some more time into him and observe his personality. Is he selfish or not? How does he tend to treat people around him (not just you)? If he's not selfish and has a good heart, he'll be a good father. In the meantime, just consider what you just told us as a data point about him and file it there, then add other data points. Best of luck with this relationship!
tbf Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 "so how are your kiddos doing"I like this but couched in different terms. "So, how are your kids doing? Enjoying school, especially the youngest since it's so new to him/her? Little ones are adorable." Since he's a talker, he'll either know what's going on with them and wax eloquent or he'll shut down the topic, post haste.
Author Star Gazer Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 I like this but couched in different terms. "So, how are your kids doing? Enjoying school, especially the youngest since it's so new to him/her? Little ones are adorable." Since he's a talker, he'll either know what's going on with them and wax eloquent or he'll shut down the topic, post haste. I'll try this next time he calls. 1
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