Author Star Gazer Posted April 14, 2013 Author Posted April 14, 2013 Why this is a problem He is choosing himself Aren't this the advice we give all people here choose "you" first He wanted a nice apartment for himself, to express himself and his taste... Right, my point exactly. His choice, which expresses himself and his taste, does not reflect someone who prioritizes his young children or values them as a critical component of his life. That is a problem for me. 2
CC12 Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 Right, my point exactly. His choice, which expresses himself and his taste, does not reflect someone who prioritizes his young children or values them as a critical component of his life. That is a problem for me. Are you going to stop seeing him?
Noproblem Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 Right, my point exactly. His choice, which expresses himself and his taste, does not reflect someone who prioritizes his young children or values them as a critical component of his life. That is a problem for me. Yeah, but there are many great fathers out there who literally destroy their wives, girlfriends or the mother of their child It's not a sign of being a good partner Good father = good father Good father doesn't equal good husband or good boyfriend or even good human being ... and a person who doesn't put his child first doesn't mean a bad father. Just a different one.... But, again, you know what you want ....and what you prefer ...so you know better
Author Star Gazer Posted April 14, 2013 Author Posted April 14, 2013 Yeah, but there are many great fathers out there who literally destroy their wives, girlfriends or the mother of their child It's not a sign of being a good partner Good father = good father Good father doesn't equal good husband or good boyfriend or even good human being ... and a person who doesn't put his child first doesn't mean a bad father. Just a different one.... But, again, you know what you want ....and what you prefer ...so you know better I don't know any good fathers who live in kid-UNfriendly homes and who never talk about their children and don't see them for extended periods of time despite living in the same zip code. 1
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 I think it's worth taking note of, but there must be dozens, and even hundreds of additional things to be learning about him during this early dating. It seems like you're kind of hyper-focussed on this one thing.
Author Star Gazer Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 Okay, folks. We're now 3 weeks in, and he has yet to talk about his children. I think this is a bad sign... 2
Emilia Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Okay, folks. We're now 3 weeks in, and he has yet to talk about his children. I think this is a bad sign... I think so too. I don't know anyone that doesn't talk about their kids within an hour of meeting them. Regardless of relationship status.
Author Star Gazer Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 I think so too. I don't know anyone that doesn't talk about their kids within an hour of meeting them. Regardless of relationship status. The only thing that makes me willing to wait a little longer is that he mentioned something at the very beginning about the "cardinal rules of dating" and how there are subjects you just don't talk about in the beginning, such as exes, religion, politics, etc. Maybe he thinks they're off limits too? I don't know. But having a guy who's a GREAT dad is really important to me, and while he's a great guy, I'm getting the sense he doesn't meet that requirement.
Emilia Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 The only thing that makes me willing to wait a little longer is that he mentioned something at the very beginning about the "cardinal rules of dating" and how there are subjects you just don't talk about in the beginning, such as exes, religion, politics, etc. Maybe he thinks they're off limits too? It's very sad if he does. Ideally he should be proud of them and see whether you would make a good mum. I don't know. But having a guy who's a GREAT dad is really important to me, and while he's a great guy, I'm getting the sense he doesn't meet that requirement. It certainly appears that everything else is more important to him
anne1707 Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 The only thing that makes me willing to wait a little longer is that he mentioned something at the very beginning about the "cardinal rules of dating" and how there are subjects you just don't talk about in the beginning, such as exes, religion, politics, etc. Maybe he thinks they're off limits too? But religion and politics are things where you may disagree on so avoid talking about until your relationship can deal with those disagreements. However children should be something you do agree on in a LTR especially when he already is a father. It really is very strange and to be honest when I think of people I know, I cannot think of any who are parents who don't make references to their children now and then - even if the children are now adults. 3
carhill Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 The OP wrote: "He's divorced, and has less than 50/50 custody of his young, but school-age children. He is open to having more children." Hence, he has made reference not only to his children, but also his custody arrangements and that he's 'open to having more children'. I dated a lot of single mothers and found most to be uniformly reticent in discussing any details of their children's lives until well into the dating process, or when we were actually in a relationship. Most would not allow meeting their children until we were 'official' boyfriend and girlfriend and some even beyond that. I thought that was prudent and fair. I am a bit unclear what his children have to do with his real estate choices beyond opinion that a loft isn't exactly considered to be a 'family home'. I can see that opinion having traction but also have known people who make such places into amazing family homes. Home is where the heart, and family, reside.
Author Star Gazer Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 But religion and politics are things where you may disagree on so avoid talking about until your relationship can deal with those disagreements. However children should be something you do agree on in a LTR especially when he already is a father. It really is very strange and to be honest when I think of people I know, I cannot think of any who are parents who don't make references to their children now and then - even if the children are now adults. I know. It's weird, right? He talks a lot and is opinionated and really expressive and lively and whatnot... I can't imagine he's holding back from talking about them. I feel like they're just... Irrelevant. Maybe that's because he only sees me as a short term R and not the future step-mother or maybe that's because they're not that big a priority to him...
Divasu Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Why not ask him about his kids versus letting it drag out? You're seeing it as a "bad sign", so wouldn't it be better to address them? Or, do you think bringing it up would be too hasty at this juncture...
Ruby Slippers Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Maybe that's because he only sees me as a short term R and not the future step-mother or maybe that's because they're not that big a priority to him... I've never dated a divorced guy or a guy with kids, so I'm not sure what it's like - but yeah, it sounds strange to me that they don't seem to figure in at all. I can see how that would make you feel this way.
Author Star Gazer Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 Why not ask him about his kids versus letting it drag out? He monopolizes the conversation (it's own yellow flag) and makes it hard to naturally segueway into asking about them without interrupting and changing the subject entirely. Gah.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Why not ask him about his kids versus letting it drag out? You're seeing it as a "bad sign", so wouldn't it be better to address them? Or, do you think bringing it up would be too hasty at this juncture... Yes, I was thinking the same thing. If it were me, I'd probably just ask some feeler questions and see how he responds.
GorillaTheater Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 I'm not sure this helps, since I haven't been single since Reagan's first term, but I can't imagine not talking about my kids to anyone who's willing to sit still long enough to listen. I get what Carhill is saying, but it strikes me as odd as well. 4
Divasu Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 He monopolizes the conversation (it's own yellow flag) and makes it hard to naturally segueway into asking about them without interrupting and changing the subject entirely. Gah. Well, that is certainly an indicator of something...Unfortunately, you can only speculate at this point, which puts you in a tough spot.
Author Star Gazer Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 I'm not sure this helps, since I haven't been single since Reagan's first term, but I can't imagine not talking about my kids to anyone who's willing to sit still long enough to listen. I get what Carhill is saying, but it strikes me as odd as well. Carhill is talking about meeting and getting involved in the children's lives. I'm way behind that. I just want him to mention them. He doesn't even do that.
amaysngrace Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 Carhill is talking about meeting and getting involved in the children's lives. I'm way behind that. I just want him to mention them. He doesn't even do that. This coupled with the fact that he monopolizes the conversation mixed with a bachelor pad seems very shady. But go out with him again if you want to give it another shot or blow him off completely. Personally I'd stalk his FB. 1
Author Star Gazer Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 This coupled with the fact that he monopolizes the conversation mixed with a bachelor pad seems very shady. But go out with him again if you want to give it another shot or blow him off completely. Personally I'd stalk his FB. I can't find his FB. He must have his privacy settings on lockdown, unsearchable. I did find his exW's. Her profile and cover pictures are of the kids. 2
GorillaTheater Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 I can't find his FB. He must have his privacy settings on lockdown, unsearchable. I did find his exW's. Her profile and cover pictures are of the kids. I don't know whether it has any bearing, but it's extremely easy for me to slip into "sleuth" mode (maybe you too ): do you have any idea as to why they divorced?
amaysngrace Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 I can't find his FB. He must have his privacy settings on lockdown, unsearchable. I did find his exW's. Her profile and cover pictures are of the kids. Of course they are. That's normal. I would be all flirty and tell him he's cute and say you want to see his kids. He should at least have some pictures on his phone. I hope.
Author Star Gazer Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 I don't know whether it has any bearing, but it's extremely easy for me to slip into "sleuth" mode (maybe you too ): do you have any idea as to why they divorced? Nope. Past relationships haven't come up at all. His comment about the "cardinal rules of dating" (interruption: my phone autocorrected "dating" as "dying" ) has made me hesitant to bring his marriage/divorce up. I do know that they divorced in 2008, and he filed. (Attorney sleuthing skills.) His children are 5 and 7. 2008, and the youngest is 5. That has me insanely curious about what happened. 1
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