Star Gazer Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 New guy. He's divorced, and has less than 50/50 custody of his young, but school-age children. He is open to having more children. He currently lives in a swanky modern loft, and is moving to a bigger, swankier, more modern loft. There is no yard or even any grass nearby. There's no carpet in either home. It's very... adults-only-like. There aren't many places like this in my city; one has to search for something that's not conducive to family life. I can't help but think, "These aren't exactly family-friendly pieces of real estate. Rather, they're kinda bachelor pad-like. He's making long-term decisions that reflect a disinterest in family life, and perhaps might speak to a desire to remain a bachelor." Am I reading too much into it?
Treasa Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 You know, I would probably think the same thing and be turned off by it, but mostly because I'm turned ON by guys who are good dads to their kids. 4
Divasu Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 Am I reading too much into it? That would depend... How long ago was his divorce? If he's newly divorced, and shares limited custody of his children, his choice in real estate may be a reflection of that, no?
johan Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 It looks like a signal that his kids aren't the highest priority by much, if they are the highest priority. But then he doesn't have them most of the time. And maybe he couldn't resist the urge to live in a fun, cool place, and is relying on his kids' adaptability. I'd hope he would want them to enjoy themselves when they visit. There should be evidence of that. Hard to say what it means about him. You'd have to see him in action, I think.
Author Star Gazer Posted April 14, 2013 Author Posted April 14, 2013 Where do his kids sleep when he has them ? I haven't had a full tour, but I imagine in one of the two bedrooms in his loft. But there are like... no toys anywhere, no kids DVDs laying around, no drawings on the fridge, no rubber ducky in the tub... no sign that anyone other than a dude lives there. You know?
Author Star Gazer Posted April 14, 2013 Author Posted April 14, 2013 You'd have to see him in action, I think. You mean with the kids? I imagine that won't happen for quite some time. I'm so used to guys with kids being all about them. Talking about them, bringing them up, even texting their mother during dinner to make sure they're okay - something, anything. This guy... nothing. If his OLD profile didn't say he had them, I wouldn't even know. Granted, it's only been two dates and a few phone calls, but still. I think my Spidey sense is going off.
Art_Critic Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 I haven't had a full tour, but I imagine in one of the two bedrooms in his loft. But there are like... no toys anywhere, no kids DVDs laying around, no drawings on the fridge, no rubber ducky in the tub... no sign that anyone other than a dude lives there. You know? Yeah... sterilized of his previous/current life would bother me too.. Are you sure he is divorced and not separated ? 1
Author Star Gazer Posted April 14, 2013 Author Posted April 14, 2013 That would depend... How long ago was his divorce? If he's newly divorced, and shares limited custody of his children, his choice in real estate may be a reflection of that, no? "Several years ago," and he is a very high earner.
Author Star Gazer Posted April 14, 2013 Author Posted April 14, 2013 Yeah... sterilized of his previous/current life would bother me too.. Ick. Are you sure he is divorced and not separated ? Yup. Verified.
carhill Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 Own or rent? Sound like they could be smart investment choices is owned. If becoming more in the family way, like with a wife, he could always buy a place in the burbs with her and rent the loft out for a tidy extra income. With his current kids, it could go two ways. Either dad's place is a bummer or he's the cool dad with the hot and chic loft. Depends on the kids and their relationship with dad. IME, kids who love their dad would love him if he lived in a box. They figure out a way to make the box fun and 'home'. It's what kids do. 1
Art_Critic Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 Yup. Verified. oh yeah.. I forgot what you do for a living.. Does he have more than one house ?.. he can afford it I think Johan has a point to.. see him in action, get to know him more as these things might have explanations.
Divasu Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 "Several years ago," and he is a very high earner. Oh. Yeah, I totally see what you're saying. I remember when my parents first divorced, my father got his own apartment, a one bedroom and my parents had shared custody. He also purchased a used porsche and got his earring pierced and dated young women. When we'd stay over, it was either on the couch or the floor. He didn't really a take an active role in our lives as a father back then. I do remember he was that way for several years until he married his second wife.
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 I agree with johan, kids are not his highest priority. It seems like he is prioritizing himself. It really depends on what that means for you.
Author Star Gazer Posted April 14, 2013 Author Posted April 14, 2013 Own or rent? Sound like they could be smart investment choices is owned. If becoming more in the family way, like with a wife, he could always buy a place in the burbs with her and rent the loft out for a tidy extra income. He owns currently, and is looking to purchase yet another modern, not-kid-friendly home. He does not seem particularly interested in living in the 'burbs, where he left the wife and kids behind.
Author Star Gazer Posted April 14, 2013 Author Posted April 14, 2013 Does he have more than one house ?.. he can afford it I don't know if he still has an ownership interest in his old house where his wife lives. I imagine not, but who knows.
Author Star Gazer Posted April 14, 2013 Author Posted April 14, 2013 Oh. Yeah, I totally see what you're saying. I remember when my parents first divorced, my father got his own apartment, a one bedroom and my parents had shared custody. He also purchased a used porsche and got his earring pierced and dated young women. When we'd stay over, it was either on the couch or the floor. He didn't really a take an active role in our lives as a father back then. I do remember he was that way for several years until he married his second wife. See, that's just sooooo icky to me. Ick, ick, ick. What about getting remarried made him change? Was it like he was relishing his freedom, and then was brought back to family life with the new wife? So odd. He's in Pebble Beach this weekend, golfing. He was in Laguna last weekend, and we have plans for next weekend. That's 3 weekends in a row without seeing his children. I don't like that - at all.
carhill Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 Depending on how his D went, he could be 'rebuilding' with a future goal in mind. If you're interested in dating him, my vote is see how it goes. Some men play pretty close to their vest with investment choices and don't disclose much, so his apparent disclosure of such information seems pretty transparent to me. IMO, that's a good sign, not that you necessarily agree with his choices and style, but that it's out there. How many dates have you been on?
Author Star Gazer Posted April 14, 2013 Author Posted April 14, 2013 Depending on how his D went, he could be 'rebuilding' with a future goal in mind. If you're interested in dating him, my vote is see how it goes. Some men play pretty close to their vest with investment choices and don't disclose much, so his apparent disclosure of such information seems pretty transparent to me. IMO, that's a good sign, not that you necessarily agree with his choices and style, but that it's out there. How many dates have you been on? Just two. I am wondering if I'm looking for an issue where there is none, or whether my concern is well founded. I think I'm more concerned by his complete lack of voluntary discussion of his children, and their apparent absence from his life, than the actual real estate choice.
Divasu Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 See, that's just sooooo icky to me. Ick, ick, ick. I don't blame you. I'm not going to lie. My father was an a*shole growing up... Now though, very different. I adore him. Took a long time though, and a lot of changes, growing and evolving. What about getting remarried made him change? Was it like he was relishing his freedom, and then was brought back to family life with the new wife? So odd. Well it wasn't really until after he divorced his second wife. His second wife had children from a previous marriage. They purchased a house together, and my father slowly began having us over more and more and we actually had a room to sleep in. It got a little better, but, he put her kids first before us which my mother HATED (understandable). He didn't really establish a relationship with us until after he divorced his second wife. Her son was murdered, and I think that changed my father for the better, as sucky as that may be. My father just wasn't good with children. He's in Pebble Beach this weekend, golfing. He was in Laguna last weekend, and we have plans for next weekend. That's 3 weekends in a row without seeing his children. I don't like that - at all. It sounds like something that is highly important to you, and 100% valid. Do you know if he and his ex wife abide by a certain schedule, if he only takes them on certain weekends, for example?
Author Star Gazer Posted April 14, 2013 Author Posted April 14, 2013 It sounds like something that is highly important to you, and 100% valid. Do you know if he and his ex wife abide by a certain schedule, if he only takes them on certain weekends, for example? I don't really know much. I tried asking about them, but he's seemed reluctant to talk about them or the situation in general. Maybe reluctant isn't the right word. I was having difficulty determining if the reason he's not open/sharing about them is because he's guarded or because he's disinterested in them as a subject matter. Either way, he's not very open. His behavior is just so different from every other guy I've ever even talked to who had/has kids. The others have been so... "I'm proud to be a dad! My kids are my world!" This guy, not so much, at least so far.
Divasu Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 I don't really know much. I tried asking about them, but he's seemed reluctant to talk about them or the situation in general. Maybe reluctant isn't the right word. I was having difficulty determining if the reason he's not open/sharing about them is because he's guarded or because he's disinterested in them as a subject matter. Either way, he's not very open. His behavior is just so different from every other guy I've ever even talked to who had/has kids. The others have been so... "I'm proud to be a dad! My kids are my world!" This guy, not so much, at least so far. Hmm. That's tough. Maybe you can say something like "X, Y, and Z is extremely important to me, what are your thoughts on that?". I tend to prefer going in with the hard questions, but, it may make him feel like he's being interrogated.
CC12 Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 I think I'm more concerned by his complete lack of voluntary discussion of his children, and their apparent absence from his life, than the actual real estate choice. But you've only been on two dates! You don't know enough about him to jump to these conclusions. There are pretty reasonable explanations for all of these issues you brought up. Maybe he just doesn't like sharing details about his kids (he has at least said that he has them, right?) with people he's just met. Maybe he enjoys an uncluttered living space and doesn't like a bunch of toys and kid's crap all over the place so he puts it away in the second bedroom (the kids' room?) that you haven't seen yet. Maybe he only sees the kids at the ex's house, or his mother's house, or whatever. I'm not telling you to ignore gut feelings, but be careful not to make assumptions. You just don't know enough about him after two dates and a few phone calls. If he's an absent parent, it's probably going to become a lot more obvious after some more dates with him.
Author Star Gazer Posted April 14, 2013 Author Posted April 14, 2013 But you've only been on two dates! You don't know enough about him to jump to these conclusions. There are pretty reasonable explanations for all of these issues you brought up. Maybe he just doesn't like sharing details about his kids (he has at least said that he has them, right?) with people he's just met. Maybe he enjoys an uncluttered living space and doesn't like a bunch of toys and kid's crap all over the place so he puts it away in the second bedroom (the kids' room?) that you haven't seen yet. Maybe he only sees the kids at the ex's house, or his mother's house, or whatever. I'm not telling you to ignore gut feelings, but be careful not to make assumptions. You just don't know enough about him after two dates and a few phone calls. If he's an absent parent, it's probably going to become a lot more obvious after some more dates with him. You're right. But... it felt weird. I suppose I can wait a little longer, but this is strange to me.
Noproblem Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 Why this is a problem He is choosing himself Aren't this the advice we give all people here choose "you" first He wanted a nice apartment for himself, to express himself and his taste..... But I guess you remember nip\tuck the series and the Christan's apartment style and you are comparing the two
Recommended Posts