loveorleave Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 Hi there, Quick background: I'd been with a guy I'm very much in love with for 5 years. We're pretty young, but he's been fighting a drug addiction for quite a while now. I thought everything was going along well, we were talking about marriage and our future, and then things started to get bad. I confronted several times over a period of weeks before he admitted he was using again. At that time, he also decided that he wanted to leave the relationship because he needed to "find himself" or something. Here we are, a few weeks later, and he wants me back...but he doesn't want to give up the drugs. I know that he loves me, and I love him...but I feel like this guy he is right now isn't really "him." I'm so torn because I want him back, but I'm not sure if that's best for either of us. I truly believe people can change, but I'm afraid that if I take him back in this situation, he'll never have the motivation to change. However, I'm afraid that if I don't go back, I'll lose this person I love forever. Then I wonder if I go back and he doesn't stop, how can I reconcile the person inside of him I love and the person he actually is? I'm so confused.
nada2013 Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 (edited) I would suggest sitting him down and talking to him rationally, if you are willing to stick by him, express your concern and see how he reacts. Tell him that you would take him back on one condition that he has to stop and change himself! tbh, It's really all on him, he has to want this. There is nothing anyone can say or do to force a person into recovery. Good Luck, I am here if you'd like to talk. Edited April 14, 2013 by nada2013
lastresort Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 What drug is addicted too. It makes a difference. If its meth or any prescription drug you need to drop him. If its weed you can deal with him rationally. Sounds to me that he is in love with this drug. Drop him and move on.
ThorntonMelon Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 Relationships do require work, but they aren't in and of themselves work. Are you enjoying this relationship? His company? Yes the potential exists for a nice relationship but it's potential with someone who doesn't exist. What would make you happy right now? Does that exist? What would have to happen for it to exist?
Author loveorleave Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 It's weed, and it's pretty bad. I feel about it the same way I feel about drinking - there are people who drink, and then there are people who are alcoholics. He can't moderate his use of it, and I don't do it at all and have no desire to. I sat and talked with him for a while today, and I don't know if it made any sort of difference or not, but I think it did. I told him that I loved him unconditionally but that I couldn't be with him unconditionally. He told me that he's not happy but that he feels like it's the only thing that makes him feel good right now. He is HURTING, and I know some of it is from crap that he went through with his family, but I think he's going about this all wrong. He's also afraid that he won't have any friends unless he smokes with them, which isn't true at all. I'm hardly trying to say I'm a perfect person (I have my own issues), but I tried to explain to him that I do know him better than anyone else and that, although it's ultimately his decision, that he should listen to what I've noticed. I see that he's unhappy, depressed, and scared. This drug makes him feel better. The hard work of actually trying to deal with the feelings seems overwhelming. I think I finally did get him to realize that it's getting in the way of the things that he does want. He told me that the things that would motivate him to quit would be a better job, kids, and me. I think when I asked him why they aren't motivating him to quit now so he can have those things made him really think. I know he'd be back trying to finish college next semester if he weren't doing it. He said it makes his head feel "fuzzy" all the time and that he can't concentrate on anything. It makes me so sad to see him give up on all of these dreams he has...had? I've had a bad habit of trying to control. I'm not doing that anymore...I sat with him, we talked, and I told him how I felt and what I noticed. I told him that I know I can't be the reason he quits...that he needs to decide that he's worth it. I will never again try to "force" him to quit. I need to keep moving forward with my life and stop trying to control his. However, I want to be there for him, but I don't think I can be WITH him right now. I'm so confused by this whole situation...
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