I get upset thinking about my girlfrend's exs

[FreddieJ]

My girlfriend has been with a few guys before me but she is my first.

I have absolutely no conscious problem with this. There is nothing wrong with having had boyfriends and we discuss her past often. It isn't petty jealousy.

However, whenever I think about her in those relationships, especially if I think of her doing sexual things with those guys, I get upset. It really emotionally bothers me.

I think because I was a virgin before I met her and I love her I may have over associated sex with her and love in my unconscious mind and this is the cause of the problem.

It's not just an immature jealousy. I know it is irrational. It's a deep emotional pain that almost reduces me to tears. I really want to get rid of it and I think the way to do is is to identify what is causing it. But I am totally clueless. She and I have no idea what is causing it.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

[KungFuJoe]

My girlfriend has been with a few guys before me but she is my first.

I have absolutely no conscious problem with this. There is nothing wrong with having had boyfriends and we discuss her past often. It isn't petty jealousy.

However, whenever I think about her in those relationships, especially if I think of her doing sexual things with those guys, I get upset. It really emotionally bothers me.

I think because I was a virgin before I met her and I love her I may have over associated sex with her and love in my unconscious mind and this is the cause of the problem.

It's not just an immature jealousy. I know it is irrational. It's a deep emotional pain that almost reduces me to tears. I really want to get rid of it and I think the way to do is is to identify what is causing it. But I am totally clueless. She and I have no idea what is causing it.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

 

It's called retroactive jealousy. I've had it...BAD...just like you described.

 

Typically, the roots (imo) are in your upbringing and your relationship with your mother.

 

How would you describe your relationship with your mom when you were pre teen/early teens?

[Poppy fields]

Why go you discuss her past often? Does this involve you interrogating her about her past lovers?

 

Maybe if you curbed the conversations about what is in the past, it wouldn't be such an issue for you in the present.

 

If you had wanted a woman with no sexual past, you should have chosen someone else as your first.

[stealthy]

How old are you op? I think most guys go through it with every new girl they care about. In the past, it was worse. Now, I've learned to accept the girl's past and know that it's the past.

 

There really is no need and isn't beneficial nor healthy for anyone for you to constantly bring it up. Hard but try to stop.

[FreddieJ]

Please can you stop the negative comments.

My girlfriend knows about this and she is fine with it. It is not a jealousy and it doesn't affect our relationship at all. It just means I feel sad sometimes when I think about her with other guys in the past.

So lay off with the criticism. I did not asked to be judged. I asked for advice on how to stop this pain.

It isn't something I can control.

I can control my conscious mind and consciously I am not jealous and have no issue with her past. So don't talk to me like I'm just another jealous boyfriend.

 

When I say we talk about out past I mean that it just comes up. She wants to know everything about me and tell me everything about herself. I feel the same way. We are totally in love and I don't push her about her past or anything. But do you think it's possible we discuss it too much? I know quite a lot of details about her past sex life. Do you think I should just try to avoid the subject?

My relationship with my mother is fine.

We think that one cause might be this: my childhood was not restricted/extreme but was very conservative compared to hers. I had never done more than kissed a girl before her and I am 20 now.

Maybe I have some subconscious issue with the differences in approach to our teenage years?

 

Again, please no more criticism. It's just not helpful. I only want useful advice.

I am not some petty jealous boyfriend. I am not jealous. I have some unresolved emotional conflict and I am looking for help.

[FreddieJ]

If you keep it up, you'll get to experience another kind of jealousy....being jealous of the new guy she's with.

 

In other words, knock it off.

 

Can you not read? I have no actual problem with her past. I am fine with it. I just experience certain emotions when I think about certain things.

I explicitly said it wasn't jealousy. She has no problem with this and it doesn't affect our relationship. It's not something I can just knock off. If I could I would!

[FreddieJ]

You did get advice....the advice was to stop doing it. And it actually is something you can control. Tell yourself it doesn't mean anything and that it doesn't do you any good to worry about it and that you're not going to worry about it. And then, POOF!...you'll stop worrying about it.

 

I KNOW it doesn't mean anything.

However I don't WORRY about her past. It doesn't bother me at all. I am totally fine with it. You can't be annoyed with someone for having a life before you.

But no matter how okay with it I am I just can't stop getting this feeling.

It's an emotion. Not a state of mind, belief or attitude.

The whole 'cut it out' thing thus isn't very helpful. I am asking how to do so. I think the way to do it is to find the root of the problem: WHY DO I HAVE THIS EMOTION?

Once I find out why I have it I can start to tackle it and resolve it and 'knock off' whatever the cause is.

But you can't just knock off an emotion if you don't know what is causing it.

So any ideas what is causing it?

[FreddieJ]

You said that when you think about her with her past boyfriends, you think about her doing sexual things with them. OK....well, stop doing that. Pretty simple, really. There's no reason for you to sit around thinking about something somebody else did before they knew you. So, you know, just don't do that, and the problem will be solved.

 

You're not trying to cure yourself of delusional paranoid schizophrenia....you're trying to make yourself stop having obsessive thoughts about another person. If you can't do that and think there is a deeper reason, then go see a therapist.

 

I really don't obsess about it. It's actually something (her past) that comes up quite a lot when we are talking (not in a bad way) so the images are often fresh in my mind.

The whole reason I am using this forum is to see if anyone has any good suggestions about what causes the emotional reaction so that I don't have to go see a therapist.

I'm trying to find out if any other people have had the same thing or have any suggestions.

[FreddieJ]

Believe it or not, you can. You're creating this feeling in your own mind. When the thought starts to enter your mind, recognize that its creeping in, tell yourself its just a thought, distract yourself or start thinking about other stuff, and then it won't spiral out of control on you. Any therapist will tell you the same thing.

 

And while you don't think its an issue for your GF, there's a good chance it will become one.

 

I realise I should stop thoughts of her and exs entering my mind but it comes up quite often so it's very hard to. I am not creating the feeling. It's a feeling in my gut that just hits me. I can't stop it.

 

Ok if I had it for years then maybe. But we love each other and this is a very minor issue for us. If one of you has an issue you work together to get over it. You don't hold it against them. It really isn't a problem right now.

[ErosOcean]

Do you suppose that it's a feeling of inferiority then?

 

Since she is your first and she's had a couple of partners before you, then maybe you feel you lack experience. Perhaps you wish you had taken the opportunity to explore the field before you met her...

 

With new love there's that sense of false belief that everything would be perfect if you were the first for each other.

 

You have to get rid of all the false programming that you'll come across from movies, TV, magazines, and other media. The programming that she's this perfect girl only meant for you and you'll have a picture perfect relationship.

 

You don't need to have as many partners as her, either. As the wise Bob says..

 

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters?"

 

I would recommend you stop talking about her past relationships. When you feel yourself starting to feel these emotions rise up again, just remember that it is all meaningless. The only thing that matters is how you feel about her at the moment and knowing how she feels about you now...

[Poppy fields]

I realise I should stop thoughts of her and exs entering my mind but it comes up quite often so it's very hard to. I am not creating the feeling. It's a feeling in my gut that just hits me. I can't stop it.

 

Ok if I had it for years then maybe. But we love each other and this is a very minor issue for us. If one of you has an issue you work together to get over it. You don't hold it against them. It really isn't a problem right now.

 

If it is not a problem, why are you obsessing over it?

 

You need to stop rehashing her past. It really isjust that simple. The less you talk about it, the less you will think about it.

[FreddieJ]

Thanks all.

I've got some help from this.

I don't feel inadequate and I had no fairy tale conception of sex or my first time.

I think I simply over associate emotions with sex because I love her and she is the only I have been with. So for me sex and love are intrinsically linked. I think maybe my attitude towards sex isn't super healthy and needs revision. For now I am just going to try to ignore it and hope it goes away.

 

How do I close/delete this whole thread? Thanks x

[Mumbles]

Hi Mate - IMHO you've got to stop talking about her past sexual life with her. Yes, it might seem like its all part of being open and honest and loving, but its going to feed the normal territorial 'monster' that lives inside most men.

 

You know she's had several previous boyfriends, if she's above legal age then its a reasonable guess that those relationships have been sexual. Leave it at that. Your mind will still be active in relation to those involvements but you don't need any details.

 

I know the involuntary 'sadness' type thoughts that you speak of. Its hard to pinpoint exactly where this comes from. After all, previous relationships, sexual or not, are history ... she is with you _now_ which is all that really matters. Nevertheless, they do pop up, sure. You just have to put it out of your mind, by an effort of will, when that happens.

[ja123]

Look, you got some advice.

 

Don't discuss her past. Ask her not to bring it up if she does. You don't have to to do a flip-out either. Just be casual about it, then change the subject.

 

Retroactive jealousy feels real. You're not the first person to have it either.

 

Either you focus on your relationship, in the here and now; or you breakup and go out a rack up some meaningless numbers. It's your choice.

[Mumbles]

Thanks all.

I've got some help from this.

I don't feel inadequate and I had no fairy tale conception of sex or my first time.

I think I simply over associate emotions with sex because I love her and she is the only I have been with. So for me sex and love are intrinsically linked. I think maybe my attitude towards sex isn't super healthy and needs revision. For now I am just going to try to ignore it and hope it goes away.

 

How do I close/delete this whole thread? Thanks x

 

No - don't close the thread, and you can't delete it either ... posted stuff helps others, some of whom are only lurkers not posters. People get good benefit, real and life changing (sometimes) by reading the experiences of others.

 

As for your attitude towards sex and love. Its not surprising that many of us end up in the romanticised version of this. Its a product of our current social norms in many westernised countries.

 

In many ways I subscribe to Nyseto's 'tough love' post above.

 

The fact is this, your girl is with _you_ and not with those other guys she knew previously. This should tell you something.

[Poppy fields]

Dude it's normal for her to have been with other guys. They all came on her face, she loved it bro! She's probably had more action than you've had in a lifetime, women don't need to fight for sex. You are not supposed to care about this ****. Just be there to **** her brains out over and over again like she expects from you. Everyone's had their skeletons in their closet. Why does your ego have to be so fragile to feel offended by the fact that she's had more experience. Have you ever asked yourself that you have more experience than her in other areas? Why do you give so much value to having sexual experience. "Bro she ****ed 20 guys man, I must have at least ****ed 30 girls to be better than her."

 

This is disgustingly awesome. Poor Freddie.

[Almond_Joy]

I thought it was interesting that you said these thoughts made you sad. That's such a strange reaction to have to the thought of your loved one's sexual past. I can't think of anything to trace sadness to. I could get anger, or shame or disgust or envy....but sadness? That's a new one. Are you sad that she was with someone before you or that you weren't her first? That's the only thing I can think of. I really think it will help you to figure out why you feel sad thinking about it, NOT why you're having an emotional reaction to your partner's sexual past which does not seem weird to me.

 

I'm only posting because you said you're going to ignore this and I don't think that's going to help. It will just get worse because you're not dealing with it.

 

I also don't see how you're going to detach the association you have between love and sex. I don't think that's unhealthy. Plenty of people are not OK with casual sex because they want to be only with someone they love or commit to, and those kinds of people find people that respect and appreciate that mentality and they have wonderful relationships together.

 

Also you can't close or delete threads on this forum....just FYI.

[Dudesmobile]

My girlfriend has been with a few guys before me but she is my first.

I have absolutely no conscious problem with this. There is nothing wrong with having had boyfriends and we discuss her past often. It isn't petty jealousy.

However, whenever I think about her in those relationships, especially if I think of her doing sexual things with those guys, I get upset. It really emotionally bothers me.

I think because I was a virgin before I met her and I love her I may have over associated sex with her and love in my unconscious mind and this is the cause of the problem.

It's not just an immature jealousy. I know it is irrational. It's a deep emotional pain that almost reduces me to tears. I really want to get rid of it and I think the way to do is is to identify what is causing it. But I am totally clueless. She and I have no idea what is causing it.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

 

What's it matter who shes been with? My girlfriend and I are the same way. But do I treat her differently because of it? Hell no. I love her for who she is in the present and don't think about the past. I am just happy she is with me and I am the luckiest guy in the world. Sure it would bother anyone at first even me. But you soon learn that the reason shes with you is because you have a special quality that she likes in a man and she knows what she wants now. Plus she can teach you so many things. My girlfriend taught me all about blow jobs, giving her an orgasm, experienced my first kiss from her, and my first french kiss. All truly amazing and soon I will experience my first sex with her.

 

I think being a virgin also plays an important role in being the "one" she wants. Not trying to view this in a property sort of way but the other guys have probably all been with other women before she came a long. So to have a guy that is truly hers and that she can call her own in mind, body, and soul is really awesome. I told my girl that I am hers and only hers in mind, body and soul. She told me she never wants to break up with me and never wants to get hurt again. So If your girl has the same thought process then you should be fine.