icantdothis Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Im going to warn and apologize to everyone that this is a very long entry, I'm sorry but we were together for 7 years and theres a lot to explain. I would appreciate that anyone who comments reads the whole things but you don't have to, you can skip to near the end to see my current situation. Thank you in advance. I met my girlfriend when we were teenagers, we became close friends and eventually fell deeper in love than I had ever imagined possible. We shared absolutely everything and grew to know each other closer than anyone else in our lives. We spent every waking moment with each other, we began pushing our other friends away just so we could spend time together. Nothing else mattered except spending every second with each other expressing our love. We felt like we were one with each other, we needed each other to breath. Both of us had felt abandoned in our childhood by our families and friends so logically we utilized each other to fill all those needs. We began to depend on each other for everything, we became one entity. Very early on in our relationship we talked about the future, we shared all our hopes, dreams, wants and needs. We planned a future together, we wanted to get married one day, have children, go traveling, and grow old together in each others arms. Yes we were very young (16) but I felt I was ready to commit to this and she did as well at the time. This only brought us closer, we had a whole life planned together and we wanted all the same things (hell, we even named our kids!). Our bond was so strong that all our friends looked up to us, months and months went by and everyone around us saw the bond we had and even they accepted that we would be together forever. Everyone put us on a pedestal, we were THE couple, the inspiration to all the failed short term relationships around us. This of course only strengthened our bond and commitment to each other, we truly felt and believed that we were soul mates and the world had just drawn us together earlier than most. We thought no one in the world could possibly be as lucky as us to find such a close, intimate, and stable relationship at such a young age. The thought of ever having to be apart felt like certain death. It frightened me at first, the thought that what if something happened to one of us, we would never be able to love again, never be able to forget what we had, and we were so very young. Our bond grew so strong that we couldn't be apart at any moment that we didn't have to. I used to drive to her work (10 mins away) when she had 15 minute breaks just to spend the last 5 minutes of them with her. We immediately began talking about how we needed to move in with each other immediately after high school. We needed to live with each other as soon as possible, sleeping alone at night was agony. Every night we'd talk until we couldn't stay awake anymore and immagine that we had each other there in our arms. It was so painful being alone at night that I believed I could feel her presence there with me, I could feel her breathing, it was calming, and it helped me sleep. I am not a religious person, but this relationship had me praying to god every night that nothing could ever happen to us. Praying that there could be an afterlife so that we could truly spend forever together because our lives simply weren't long enough. I cherished every single moment with her, there were times that we needed money and we'd take time off work anyways because the thought of one day being 80 and on our death bed made us feel like we would give anything for just those few more hours of our lives together. Now I apologize, I'm beginning to ramble and we need to get on with the story. We began to form all our relationships and friendships together (why did we need separate friends, we were always together and always would be right?). We got to know each others parents on a very personal level, to the point that we considered them friends and could spend time alone with them. Our parents soon realized, like our friends, that we truly wanted to spend our lives together, and all though we were so young they supported it. After we had been together for about 3 years we were finally able to move in with each other, it was the single greatest achievement of our relationship, we had reached our goal! We could finally shamelessly spend every second of the day AND night together. It was the most comforting and solid feeling I have ever experienced, I felt whole and satisfied. Nothing else in our lives mattered or affected me. School was **** for me, friends and relatives passed away, we lived far from all our old friends and barely saw them, I had almost no hobbies and interests, I hated my job, I hated the basement we lived in, and we had no money to do anything. NONE of that mattered, all that mattered was that we were together. Through all the **** thats ever happened in my life I have always told myself that none of that matters because I have the most important thing in my life, her! She became the pillar that held my life together, the pillar that I needed to build everything else around. I didn't have any direction so I began to modify everything in my life to better fit hers. She went and made new friends at school and had new experiences and I followed her to them, I didn't do my own things, I only concentrated on getting any work I had done as quickly as possible so I could see her. This is where things started to change. She began to feel torn, and guilty. She was enjoying her school and her new friends, she had direction in her life. She started to feel guilty that I was waiting every day for her to get home, waiting while she did the homework she enjoyed, constantly waiting to spend that time together that was so important before. She began to act differently, more distant, more upset. I was very aware of this and I would constantly ask her what was wrong and how I could help but she just kept telling me she was stressed about school, and stressed about work, and that she just had too much to do. She and I continued to go to school for the next 3 years before we graduated. In this time we moved a couple times, we found new and better jobs, we made some new friends that became OUR friends, and so on and so forth. I didn't feel like anything had changed in those years of living together outside of the initial change. We simply weren't as close anymore because we had busy lives and we were getting older. Our friends all still looked up to us and told us that we had the closest and most inspirational relationship they had ever seen, especially at our age. I still waited every day, wanting to spend every second with her, just cuddling and being close. I still wanted to spend every second of the day just staring into her eyes and worshipping her. I constantly went out of my way to do anything and everything just to see her smile, and I loved it. But slowly she began to stop reciprocating, and once again she continued to just blame it on her stress, and our busy schedules. I could tell something was wrong but we just attributed it to having an older relationship. No one we knew had been together for 6 years, let alone live together for 3. It killed me every day that we couldn't spend time together, I still wanted to be as close to her as we were in our first couple years, but I was starting to realize she didn't feel the same all the time, I thought maybe we were just growing up. After our 6th year anniversary things started to change more drastically, we moved in with some friends and she got a much more demanding job. She began to make herself busy every day with work, she worked 7 days a week for more than 10 hours a day. What was worse is that I worked at night and she always got up early in the morning and worked until I had gone to work. It didn't make sense to me at first because she worked from home, she had no schedule, why couldn't she make any time for me? Every day hurt more and more as we spent less and less time together. I tried every day to find new things we could do together, find new time we could spend together, reignite that spark of interest. All I ever wanted was for our relationship to be like it was before. I knew something was wrong and we talked about the loss of time together but she kept telling me that she just didn't have time, her job was too demanding and she was actually enjoying the work. It hurt so much to know that she was putting something before me when I had never in my life imagined putting anything before her, but she was happy so I couldn't justify being angry with her, just frustrated. I became desperate for time together, I would drop anything and everything I was doing to spend even a few minutes with her when she had free time. So, as you would immagine, she stopped having free time. She wouldn't even let herself stop working to eat because then I could've spent that 20 minutes with her. I began to finally see through what she was calling stress and see the guilt that she felt for not being able to give me what I wanted to give her. So, after this moment of realization, in our last few months I tried to give her some space. I stopped pushing her to spend time with me, I stopped getting as close to her as I used to. But I never felt any less in love with her. I still worshipped the ground she walked on, wanted to spend every second with her. And never in my mind was there any doubt that we wouldn't be together forever. We never even talked about the possibility of being apart, it was foreign and frightening to both of us, we couldn't immagine being able to live without each other so the possibility never came up in conversation. Little did I know that she no longer felt this way, I thought we were just going through a rough and busy time in our lives and things would get better later. Then, last week, she called me into our room and she was crying. She told me she had something very important to talk about, she told me this wasn't working. I was so utterly shocked that I felt I had just been instantly flattened by a train. I knew there were problems over the last couple years but I was expecting a conversation along the lines of "things aren't the same, how can we fix them." That conversation never came, she wanted to end it, then and there. She then proceeded to tell me the most hurtful thing I have ever felt in my life, we couldn't fix this because she hadn't JUST started feeling this way, she hadn't been in love with me for YEARS. There was no chance to fight for her, there was no going back, she had already grieved. The tears started flowing and the desperate questions started falling out, "how could we have not talked sooner," "how could you not tell me," "how could you not want to fix this," "did you mean all the things you said every time we talked about our futures, our forever?" She explained to me that she had never wanted to break up, and that because of our total and complete devotion to each other early on that it took her years to convince herself that her loss of feelings for me were true. I feel so hopelessly crushed. We never stopped making plans for the future, we still talked about getting married, and having kids up until days before she broke up with me. I never had a thought in my mind that our futures could exist without each other. We never stopped making love. The hints were just too subtle for me to see behind the veil of complete and total trust and love that I had for her. I was blind. And now onto our current situation, one that I desperately need help with. It has been one week since the break up. Our lives are so completely entangled that we cant go NC, our best friends are our roommates, we have all the same friends, im a part of her family. We need to move out but our lease isn't up for two more months. We've been spending time apart but it's just so hopelessly difficult to see her everyday. We're not angry at each other but I feel such distance, distance that I havn't had in 7 years! She was my best friend, we shared everything in our lives, and now I can't even talk to her. I look at her and I see a whole new person, a person she was hiding from me, she's changed so much and I just couldn't see it. All I want to do is talk to her, talk to her about our relationship, where it went wrong, how this all happened. But she just wants to give me distance, doesn't want to talk to me, wont even make eye contact. I would give anything just to hold her and have her share her emotions with me so that we could work things out. What's even harder is she seems so happy, so free, so independent and full of relief. I can see how long she's been holding this in for, how long she's needed to leave but just couldn't tell me. She's been going out, and having fun with our friends, and I'm just lying on the couch wallowing in my own self pity. All I want is for her to be happy but at the same time it hurts so much to see her not feeling the pain that I feel right now. I can't get over the fact that she has been over this relationship for so long when I never ever felt a doubt. I'm so frightened of my self, my loneliness, my emptiness, I have never been alone and I honestly dont believe I can survive it at this point. And here's the worst part, the part that I can't even believe occurred, the reason I'm writing this whole story out right now. Last night she went out with one of our roommates, she came home late at night stinking of liquor, passed out in her clothes on our bed (we're alternating sleeping on the couch and bed by the way). This morning I woke up hearing her phone alarm going off for quite some time, it was right beside her and she couldn't even hear it. I had a terrible moment of weakness, I broke our trust, I did something I never ever should have let myself do and I feel terrible about it. I looked through her phone... All I wanted to know was where she was staying the last couple nights, I knew it was just at a friends house but it was just so difficult for me not knowing what was going on in her life when we had been sharing everything for so long. I was just curious and I knew I couldn't ask her because we both needed distance and space. But I didn't find where she was staying, I found something else. She met someone last night, she kissed him, gave him her number, and he had already texted her this morning telling her what an amazing time he had last night, and she had texted back that she would like to get to know him. I thought maybe this was just a drunken way of expressing her new found freedom. Maybe he was just some random and she felt like kissing someone after being tied down to me for so long, I understand that urge. But she added him on facebook today, first thing she did when she woke up. She actually wants to get to know new people, after a week, one single week. I can't even move, I havn't been able to eat all week, I was starting to feel a glimmer of hope and then this. Why did I look? Why did I let myself do that, I broke the trust of my best friend and I can't even talk to anyone about it. I feel like I'm going to die, I'm scared I'll never be able to move on, I'm scared I'll never be able to trust again. I've lost everything, my comfort, my support, my love, my future... help me please!
Infnitysign Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 I've read everything and I think I can help you but i need your e-mail. I'll send you a ebook so you can continue on and learn and be a better you at everything.
Author icantdothis Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 I dont know how to PM on this website, could you tell me how i could send you my email privately.
CompleteFailure Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 I'm sorry about your current situation. I wish I had the advice you needed. Try to stay strong any way you can.
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