Confused48 Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 On the one hand I really, really, crave having my WS tell me "Sorry!!!" I really need to hear that. Often. But of course then WS has to be thinking about the A. I don't want WS to think about the A or the AP. I want WS to never think about the A or the AP again!
Furious Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 On the one hand I really, really, crave having my WS tell me "Sorry!!!" I really need to hear that. Often. But of course then WS has to be thinking about the A. I don't want WS to think about the A or the AP. I want WS to never think about the A or the AP again! You sound so sad and hurt and I'm sorry for what you're going through. The thing is, if your spouse is un-remorseful, you need to ask yourself how much longer can you take this torture and what it is you need to do to move forward for the sake of your own sanity. Are you getting out, are you leaning on close friends and family at this time, are you getting the support you need, are you in counselling.
Author Confused48 Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 You sound so sad and hurt and I'm sorry for what you're going through. The thing is, if your spouse is un-remorseful, you need to ask yourself how much longer can you take this torture and what it is you need to do to move forward for the sake of your own sanity. Are you getting out, are you leaning on close friends and family at this time, are you getting the support you need, are you in counselling. I am so sad and hurt, yes. I'm on the verge of tears or actually crying half my waking hours. WS is remorseful. Or the sorry's would not be helpful. They are. But would it be better to let WS not say sorry? better for me not to tell WS when I'm in pain, not let WS see me in pain? WS of course wants to never think of the A or the AP again. It's not a good memory for WS. But I keep bringing it up for us both. It's been a while, 9 months, since Dday. So family and friends are getting tired of seeing me still a mess over this. I'm sick of it. I read here that everyone gets though this on their own time but s**t this is a heck of a long time with no end in sight and not one bit better. Of course good days and bad days. But it seems I'm always back to really bad sooner or later. And like you said, how long can I take it. But what options are there. No good ones that I can see.
Furious Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 I am so sad and hurt, yes. I'm on the verge of tears or actually crying half my waking hours. WS is remorseful. Or the sorry's would not be helpful. They are. But would it be better to let WS not say sorry? better for me not to tell WS when I'm in pain, not let WS see me in pain? WS of course wants to never think of the A or the AP again. It's not a good memory for WS. But I keep bringing it up for us both. It's been a while, 9 months, since Dday. So family and friends are getting tired of seeing me still a mess over this. I'm sick of it. I read here that everyone gets though this on their own time but s**t this is a heck of a long time with no end in sight and not one bit better. Of course good days and bad days. But it seems I'm always back to really bad sooner or later. And like you said, how long can I take it. But what options are there. No good ones that I can see. Nine months isn't a really long time but when you're hurting it can feel like it's been nine years instead. I think you are pushing yourself too hard and that it's not ok for your spouse to see you crying. Don't feel like you have to bottle it up, feel what you feel. Your WS must understand that you're on a roller coaster of emotion and offer you comfort, a hug, patience and understanding. It takes time to heal and there's no time limit, you're grieving the loss of what your marriage and life meant to you. Things will get better for you, and there's no getting around the pain but only through it. Cry it out, but in between the tears do something together, go for an ice cream, go for a walk together, cook your favourite meal together. Some of the simplest things can cheer you both up and leave you feeling closer. Hang in there 2
BetrayedH Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 In my view, bottling it up leads to resentment. Unresolved resentment will kill a relationship. Many of our waywards were conflict-avoiders and choked doen their resentment. I have learned that anytime I feel even so much as hesitation about talking with my SO about something, that means I MUST discuss it. You can't go under it, over it, or around it. You must go through it. Or you can take a different path altogether and divorce. Where I agree with you is that for a long time, it feels as if there is no good option, no winning move. All the choices are bad ones. Given time, you will either reconcile and heal or you will divorce and heal. There is no place to go but up. The only exception is sweeping it under the rug. Then you stay in hell. One of my favorite posters here did that (he's one of my favorites for other reasons). He is 20 years post Dday and still regrets it. I think only recently (within the last year or so) has counseling finally helped him. 2
Darren Steez Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 You're not on a clock to see how fast you can get over being betrayed. You deal with it how you want to deal with it, not how other people would like you to move on from it. Being honest and open about what you're feeling and what you need in order to move forward is vital. Never compromise on that. 2
Minnie09 Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 What's your background story? Are you in counseling? You don't have to be afraid to show your anger. It's perfectly normal to feel angry, disappointed, devastated. And there's no way you will get over it by not showing your emotions. It won't go away all by itself because you decide to ignore it for the sake of your WS. It's not your job to accommodate him, it's your job to put yourself first and heal, rebuild trust and your M, IF he's there for you to catch you and support you. Don't think you are being unreasonable by taking as long as you need, plus the time required for healing will be directly proportional to the intensity of his support.*
Author Confused48 Posted April 14, 2013 Author Posted April 14, 2013 You're not on a clock to see how fast you can get over being betrayed. You deal with it how you want to deal with it, not how other people would like you to move on from it. Being honest and open about what you're feeling and what you need in order to move forward is vital. Never compromise on that. I don't feel pressure from WS. It's me. I'm sick of feeling this way. And I don't want WS feeling bad either but that is secondary. Mostly I'm just feeling pathetic.
wifehurtheart Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 Nine months isn't a really long time but when you're hurting it can feel like it's been nine years instead. I think you are pushing yourself too hard and that it's not ok for your spouse to see you crying. Don't feel like you have to bottle it up, feel what you feel. Your WS must understand that you're on a roller coaster of emotion and offer you comfort, a hug, patience and understanding. It takes time to heal and there's no time limit, you're grieving the loss of what your marriage and life meant to you. Things will get better for you, and there's no getting around the pain but only through it. Cry it out, but in between the tears do something together, go for an ice cream, go for a walk together, cook your favourite meal together. Some of the simplest things can cheer you both up and leave you feeling closer. Hang in there We are about 13 months out from our D-day. Part of the commitment that my WS and I made after D-day was that we would get out and do positive things together, as Furious has suggested above. We have done those things suggested such as going for walks, ice cream, walking down by the water, etc, and they have helped us frame the time we spend together in a positive light rather than a negative. Give yourself the time you need to deal with this. You will never forget it.....that is not even an option. One of the things my WS does to support me and help me deal with her betrayal is to tell me often than she loves me rather than constantly apologizing. At one point a few months after D-day she told me once again how sorry she was and I responded by telling her that I KNEW she was sorry but that that didn't erase what she had done. She pretty much stopped telling me she was sorry after that, but makes a point of telling me how much she loves me several times a day, whether it is a quick email, a note she leaves on my steering wheel, or just a five second phone call she makes to me at work in which she simply says "I love you" and hangs up. I still know that she is basically saying "I'm sorry", but the "I love you" feels more like she is thinking about me and the pain she caused me rather than about the betrayal itself. 3
Author Confused48 Posted April 14, 2013 Author Posted April 14, 2013 I'm about the same time out as you. I still have moments of utter sadness and anger. My H just tells me he is there for me and none of my feelings are going to scare me off. That he will do whatever it takes for the rest of his life to make it up to us. I am in IC. IC tells me, look, WS is doing maximum effort, you can be with WS in the present moment or you can live in the past. It seems I'm stuck in the past.
BetrayedH Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 I am in IC. IC tells me, look, WS is doing maximum effort, you can be with WS in the present moment or you can live in the past. It seems I'm stuck in the past. Every reconciling BS struggles with this. You're no exception. Given time, you will spend more time looking forward and less in the past. But you should understand that while your husband did the crime, you will do the time. And frankly, whether you decide to reconcile or divorce, the sentence is about the same. I'm about 2 years post Dday, over a year separated, and six months divorced. Yet, I am still analyzing it all. I think about it EVERY day. And I don't beat myself up about it anymore. It's a part of my history that I didn't ask for and one that I will process in due time. Be patient with yourself. Acceptance is the LAST stage of grief. Trying to make it go fast slows you down. Going slow is fast. 2
Steadfast Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 I am in IC. IC tells me, look, WS is doing maximum effort, you can be with WS in the present moment or you can live in the past. It seems I'm stuck in the past. That's true. You can't go back in time. What choices do you have then? I suspect you're dealing with a variety of emotions. Anger, fear, uncertainty. Thing is, life is uncertain for everyone...whether a spouse has cheated or not. They could. Anything could happen. You're dealing with the reality that something did. Using some crazy, twisted logic, you could almost be happy that it did and you've survived it. Well, sort of anyway. The key now is envisioning how you want to feel. Just do it. Lay out a mental plan of events that would make the burning hole in your belly disappear. Truth? The envisioning might be harder than actually doing it. And no, saying "I wish it never happened" doesn't count. No wishing. Before you can get better, you have to know what you need. What is it? 1
Jonah Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Being in the moment isn't easy for anyone. Many train all their lives to get better at being in the moment. When you aren't there reliving that particular significant emotional event, where are you? Planning for dinner or what you are going to say to your kids teacher or your sister... etc. I do it too just like you, stuck in my glory days of the seventies, thinking about different scenarios with my WS, worrying over this and that. Almost never in the moment... just like most people. May I suggest that you create a moment? I don't know if this is possible, but if you could arrange with your WS to just let him know when you are hurting, to give him the opportunity to comfort you. That is his job you know, same as it is your job to comfort him when he is hurting. I don't think it would make a man think about his former OM when his W is hurting. Men are more about the solution... "how can I fix this". So let him say the words. I am sorry, it was such a terrible thing for me to do to you, I am so glad that you are giving me a chance to spend the rest of my life with you... It would be wonderful to have such open communication, wouldn't it? I don't have that. My W is great but we aren't close. I have to be careful what I share for fear it will be thrown back into my face. But other people do it... maybe you can find a way too. 1
Author Confused48 Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 May I suggest that you create a moment? I don't know if this is possible, but if you could arrange with your WS to just let him know when you are hurting, to give him the opportunity to comfort you. I do. And WS does comfort me. But I feel like I'm hurting WS with my needing to be comforted. And think nuclear. I'm soooooo needy, I make myself sick. I don't have that. My W is great but we aren't close. I have to be careful what I share for fear it will be thrown back into my face. But other people do it... maybe you can find a way too. Wow. To be still with her and that is your sitch. That is sad but still, at the same time, it gives me some hope. I think I may have to be like you. Not let on what I'm thinking or feeling too often.
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