how to forgive

[where to start]

Its been just over a month since my husbands affair was discovered. We are both still in the house and continue to carry on as we did previously...except with the additional tension. Originally I told him that I needed some time to figure out how I wanted to deal with all this. Well here we are almost 5 weeks later and I still haven't given him an answer. He's obviously tip-toeing around me and I know that isn't going to help anything. Truth is, I still don't know what to do. I've been talking to someone once a week but lets face it, 45 minutes 4 times isn't getting anyone very far.

 

My biggest question still seems to be:

He loved her, he had a lot of sex with her, he sent thousands of emails & made hundreds of phone calls, they shared dirty pictures & videos, and all while he lied to me (some of which was done while i was only in the next room) for 2+ years....Can I forgive that? Should I forgive that?

 

I know I've asked about reconciliation before, but what I'd really like to know is:

For those BS who chose to stay...would you have been able to stay if you knew all this? Is it just sometimes that there is just too much to forgive?

[Decorative]

I didn't choose to forgive. I chose to accept it- but that process took years.

 

We have a happily reconciled marriage. Now. But it took a really, really long time and a huge amount of work to get there.

 

Gently, if you are carrying your life as before, except stressed by the revelations- that's not a path that will bring you peace.

 

He needs to work hard on himself, and what led him to those choices.

 

You need to work on handling the trauma you have had inflicted on you, and process this damage.

 

It's not easy.

 

It's the hardest work I have ever done- and I have had some horrible things happen in my life.

 

But five weeks from DDay? Nothing was even remotely close to forgiveness or acceptance, and in my opinion, it shouldn't be.

 

I am so sorry you have this in your life. It's a horrible thing.

[Leegh]

I have never been married so I cannot fully understand what you are going through, but I'm sure it is very difficult. I think in time you will arrive at a decision. In addition, I think it would be easier for you to make a decision, if you and he were not living together at the moment. Speaking for myself, sometimes when I try to think of a solution to a problem, the more I think about it, the less I can arrive at an answer. I am not saying not to think about it, as that would be impossible; (I had a boyfriend who once called me by another woman's name, and that "let the cat out of the bag", so to speak, and I found out that he had another girlfriend, in addition to me). In your situation, possibly a trial separation would help, and give clarity.

[Decorative]

Separation was very good for us. We were separated for six months. My choice.

 

The camps are split on whether or not it is a good thing or not. For us- it was a positive.

[waterwoman]

Decisions right now don't have to be forever. Forever was put at risk when he had an affair. I am doing my damndest to reconcile. So is H. It's hard work but it seems to be working. However there are still no guarantees. H ****ed up. I can excuse a lot of his actions but in the end he still ****ed up. So I am still reserving judgement. I was not prepared to make a life changing decision when Dday happened. I wasn't in a fit state. But I will be better able to say yay or nay when we are on an even keel. Unfair on H? Maybe but thems the breaks! <shrug>

[BetrayedH]

A successful reconciliation has far less to do with you and much more to do with him. You have the cart before the horse. You can't possibly make a wise decision about acceptance or forgiveness at five weeks. By now you must know that it would be a total crap shoot.

 

The single most significant factor is your husband being truly remorseful. A truly remorseful wayward will be proactively trying to figure out why he cheated so that he can avoid the use of that coping mechanism in the future, and in turn, this allows you the opportunity to feel that you won't suffer a repeat performance.

 

If you're going to make any immediate actions/decisions, I would provide your H with a list of your expectations in order to avoid an immediate divorce. This should include IC for him, MC for you both, a willingness to answer any and all questions about the affair without defensiveness, complete transparency indefinitely, NC for life, no lying about anything for life, and so forth.

 

The pressure isn't on you to make a decision but for him to re-earn your trust. In fact, he should understand that at any point you may decide that it's too overwhelming or that his actions are insufficient. You simply can't offer early (or what we call, "cheap") forgiveness. You cannot just decide to be over it.

 

When done properly, successful reconciliations take 2-5 years. The ones I've seen seem to turn a corner around the 3-4th year.

 

How do you forgive? He earns it by showing consistent actions over time.

[krazikat]

Its been just over a month since my husbands affair was discovered. We are both still in the house and continue to carry on as we did previously...except with the additional tension. Originally I told him that I needed some time to figure out how I wanted to deal with all this. Well here we are almost 5 weeks later and I still haven't given him an answer. He's obviously tip-toeing around me and I know that isn't going to help anything. Truth is, I still don't know what to do. I've been talking to someone once a week but lets face it, 45 minutes 4 times isn't getting anyone very far.

 

My biggest question still seems to be:

He loved her, he had a lot of sex with her, he sent thousands of emails & made hundreds of phone calls, they shared dirty pictures & videos, and all while he lied to me (some of which was done while i was only in the next room) for 2+ years....Can I forgive that? Should I forgive that?

 

I know I've asked about reconciliation before, but what I'd really like to know is:

For those BS who chose to stay...would you have been able to stay if you knew all this? Is it just sometimes that there is just too much to forgive?

 

I think that a successful r does have as much to do with bs as the ws. Because only as bs know what you can and cannot move forward from. And it can be a difficult decision that takes time to figure out.

 

My h had an A for over 4 years. He also td tow he loved her and had lots of sex with her. She was a stripper for a time. They drank and did drugs together. An all around ugly situation and dday and days beyond i thought that i would send him packing. Years of lies, betrayal, it is a devastating thing to be sure. And i am just over 2.months from dday. I am still hurting, but it has gotten much better.

 

My decision to r with my wh was made after much thought...for us, i know that before the a started, i pushed my husband away, i said and treated him in ways that were unexceptable. He did not point this out as an excuse to me, this is my own knowing. I had told him i was going to d him...even went as far as bag packing etc. we had issues, stemming from when i had relationship with another man before we were married during a time we werent together and it broke him...he began drinking alot, i hated the drinking and didnt understand why he wpuld be so mad at me for om when we hadnt been together at the time officially, but i always felt bad because i saw how much it hurt him and the impact it had on him...it really did break him. He had been planning to propose to me when he found out about om. He started the a after months of fighting and me pushing him away and treating him with anger...i didnt know how to react to his drinking at all. So for all these reasons, in addition to my love for him and his love for me, i decided that i would stay with him but made it clear that if it bappened again it would be over.

 

Think about what is best for you, really think about it, and then do what you need to do for your own sanity. I know how devestating a long term a is, it hurts worse than almost anything. I have been devastated. I am wishing you the best.

[underwater2010]

I dug until I could figure out that there was no more information to be gained. I can say that I will try my hardest, as long as he does too, the one and only time. That being said there were no ILYs or "let's ride off into the sunset". It was attention from to bored people.

 

You have to decide whether you can live with all this knowledge or not. And you DO NOT have to decide today. If you try and it is not enough you are allowed to walk away knowing you gave it everything. For a lot of people an affair is a deal breaker. There is no wrong or right answer. You have to figure out what you want. It is a hard road to walk.

[Furious]

Its been just over a month since my husbands affair was discovered. We are both still in the house and continue to carry on as we did previously...except with the additional tension. Originally I told him that I needed some time to figure out how I wanted to deal with all this. Well here we are almost 5 weeks later and I still haven't given him an answer. He's obviously tip-toeing around me and I know that isn't going to help anything. Truth is, I still don't know what to do. I've been talking to someone once a week but lets face it, 45 minutes 4 times isn't getting anyone very far.

 

My biggest question still seems to be:

He loved her, he had a lot of sex with her, he sent thousands of emails & made hundreds of phone calls, they shared dirty pictures & videos, and all while he lied to me (some of which was done while i was only in the next room) for 2+ years....Can I forgive that? Should I forgive that?

 

I know I've asked about reconciliation before, but what I'd really like to know is:

For those BS who chose to stay...would you have been able to stay if you knew all this? Is it just sometimes that there is just too much to forgive?

 

 

 

Slow down....you're only just over a month after d-day and the shock has not worn off. Forgiveness is not a knee jerk decision.

 

Why are you pressuring yourself in this way, there's no time limit on making any long term decisions or commitment to anything other than giving yourself the time you need to absorb the new reality of the life you thought was yours.

 

Forgiveness wasn't even in my vocabulary on my d-day and not even in the radar a month after it.

 

In my situation I handed my husband his suitcase on d-day and wished him well.

I really didn't know what to think other than just getting through the next hour and next day. I was in complete shock, as if I was living a nightmare and couldn't believe this was my life.

 

Trust your gut and give yourself all the time you need, recognize that for the many months to come you will be on a rough roller coaster of emotions and know that it's perfectly normal to feel what you feel, that your feelings will fluctuate between love and anger, despair and hope, vulnerability and strength.

 

I can only tell you that you need not make any desciion, that it's perfectly normal to decide to not decide anything at all. That in itself it liberating and gives you time to breathe, time and the inaction or action of your WS will determine which road you take.

 

Buckle your seat belt and hold on.

[Sadwife37]

I am almost 18 months past DDay and still struggle with what you describe. My H A was for 3 years. And it involved daily emails and phone calls for a large portion of that time. He lied to me everyday for 3 years. The sexual part was fairly brief but the emotional affair and the deception was very long and involved.

 

We are trying hard to R. We still live together as a "happy family". I do believe that he is truly remorseful. He has had NC since D Day and his behaviour and our relationship has changed 100% since. In many ways things are much better now. Hw is certainly happier, less stressed, more pleasant, more intimate, etc. now that the A is over. He thought he wanted it when it was happening but it was actually killing him. He was just so messed up he couldn't see it. I believe he was depressed, unhappy, etc and looking to the wrong place to fix his issues. I think I forgive him. I am trying too, anyway. I am not seeking revenge any longer. I don't wish to cause him pain to get even. I want us to be happy and move past this and not let it define our lives together.

 

But for me, that isn't so easy. The reality of the lies, the deception, the lack of respect for me, etc. I am having a very difficult time letting it go. Some days are pretty good. Other days I feel so much pain I find it hard to breath. I am tired of talking about the A. He is even more tired of it. Some days, my worst days, I still think we are doing all this for nothing because I will never be able to truly be happy in this marriage again after everything he did and I think in the end we will have to divorce.

 

Now I believe that R is up to me. My H has done what he can. He messed up in the worst way but has tried to make amends and prove his love to me. Now I have to figure out if I can live with it. Accept it and be happy here. Find a way to trust. Find a way to believe I am good enough in his eyes. Accept the betrayal as a horrible time in our past and move ahead. Or decide that this is too much for me and leave the marriage and hope for happiness elsewhere.

 

I hope you can find happiness and comfort again. It will take a lot of time. 18 months and I still haven't really decided. I know it takes 2-5 years so i do keep hoping my pain will ease. Take your time. Hopefully your H is remorseful and has NC and puts everything he can into saving your relationship. Then it will be up to you to try and heal and stay or heal and go. Good luck

[wifehurtheart]

A successful reconciliation has far less to do with you and much more to do with him. You have the cart before the horse. You can't possibly make a wise decision about acceptance or forgiveness at five weeks. By now you must know that it would be a total crap shoot.

 

The single most significant factor is your husband being truly remorseful. A truly remorseful wayward will be proactively trying to figure out why he cheated so that he can avoid the use of that coping mechanism in the future, and in turn, this allows you the opportunity to feel that you won't suffer a repeat performance.

 

If you're going to make any immediate actions/decisions, I would provide your H with a list of your expectations in order to avoid an immediate divorce. This should include IC for him, MC for you both, a willingness to answer any and all questions about the affair without defensiveness, complete transparency indefinitely, NC for life, no lying about anything for life, and so forth.

 

The pressure isn't on you to make a decision but for him to re-earn your trust. In fact, he should understand that at any point you may decide that it's too overwhelming or that his actions are insufficient. You simply can't offer early (or what we call, "cheap") forgiveness. You cannot just decide to be over it.

 

When done properly, successful reconciliations take 2-5 years. The ones I've seen seem to turn a corner around the 3-4th year.

 

How do you forgive? He earns it by showing consistent actions over time.

 

 

BetrayedH is giving good advice....this is not about you having to do things. If your husband really wants to continue in his marriage to you it is up to him to do things, like being totally loving and totally transparent all day every day and showing you in every way possible that he is truly remorseful. You didn't choose his unfaithfulness, he did. As far as forgiveness goes, I think that is different with everyone. I will tell you that I verbally forgave my wife about two weeks after D-day, but then realized in sessions with my IC that I was still very angry and hadn't really forgiven her. I realized that I needed to take more time to decide whether I wanted to work at being with her or to end it and move on with my life.

 

I truly forgave her several months later (about 11 months after D-day) when we had a lengthy and loving conversation one day during which I realized that she truly understood the effect her betrayal had on me, and that she truly wished she could re-do that part of her life and was willing to do whatever it took to stay together and rebuild our marriage.

 

It's a lot of work, and it takes time. If you chose to stay you will have both good days and bad days for a long time. Stay true to yourself and let him show you what he is willing to do to keep you in his life. IMO, when you get to this point in a relationship, actions are everything and words are bulls**t!

Edited April 15, 2013 by wifehurtheart

[Jonah]

It was an alternate reality for him. One that you didn't exist in. So it wasn't about you at all. Call it an illness, sick obviously. Question is, can he become one with reality and stay there? Domestication can become a bit glum. But with some closeness it can also be glorious. Open up communication. Let him know that you are willing to let him help you heal, that you need him to be constant about it. Can you do it without rubbing his nose in it?

 

You could trade him in... but you drew this type of person to you so unless you do some changing yourself you may draw the same again.