somanyquestions16 Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Hello. I just found this forum and it looks like a great place to get some questions answered. I'll try to set the stage somewhat. I'm in my 40's. Divorced 3 years. 2 Teenage boys both of them almost out of high school. I've been dating since my divorce but I haven't met anyone special and I also really like being single. My marriage was miserable so I've just been enjoying it. I have reconnected with a guy from my teen years. We were great friends, never involved in a dating sense (he was friends with my family, my mom was like a mom to him) from the ages of 14 to 18 ish. He went into the military and got married and we lost touch. Back in those days without cell phones, texting and internet it wasn't as easy to stay in touch. We both live in the states, he lives 2000 miles away. He has been divorced for about 5 years and single. His kids are all adults with kids of their own now (he is a few years older than me) and spread out around the United States with their families. We've only been talking for about a month and I really don't know where it's going to go. I feel a very strong connection to him and we're both attracted to each other. We're very like minded in a lot of ways. We are just now talking about me flying there for a weekend or him coming here. He has a job there and a condo but those two things are the only thing holding him there. He could find a job here in his profession I think. Even though we haven't really talked about it too much, he is elluding to the fact that he could easily pick up and move, nothing keeping him there, etc. So if we get along well for that weekend I think he might be thinking along those lines. I'm scared to death. I'm afraid he will pick up everything and move here and then what? What if it doesn't work out? I don't want him living here with me and the kids at this point so he would need to get an apartment. I guess I just don't want the responsibility of it not working out on me if he moves here for me. Maybe we should do the long distance thing for a year, see each other once a month just to see if we're compatible before any major life changes are made? Since he grew up here he has some old high school friends here maybe he'll be happy back in this area anyway even if it didn't work out? My mom and other family members would welcome him in even if we weren't a couple and just friends. He has no family his parents have both passed. He has his kids but like I said they don't live where he lives anyway so he would have to travel to see them no matter if he was here or there. I just want to be smart about it. I'm scared for him to make that many changes to come here and then have it not work out. I would almost rather he stay there for a year or something until we know for sure we want to make those kinds of life decisions. I can really see myself with him but I just want to be smart about how we go about it. I thought some of you who were in LDR could let me know what you think?
LindaSmiley Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 I've been in a LDR for 2 years. We started off as just friends & things escalated from there. I suggest you keep talking for a while longer. A year might be too much time if things go well. If you talk constantly the both of you should get a feel of how the relationship will be. The good thing about being in a LDR is that you grow feelings for each other emotionally first without intimacy, so the bond is stronger. It shows that it's a connection made genuinely based on your heart & person you are. (I think of it as a blessing in some ways) Before He decides to take that big step of relocation you should definitely tell him to visit a few times first. You'll know if it's right when he returns home from the first visit. You'll miss him terribly. When I visited my boyfriend for the first time I was already falling for him so I had butterflies the entire week before I went up until the time I left. I cried almost the entire way home because of how special it was to just hug him after the incredible feelings that grow despite the distance. lol. (I know, corny!) Just take things slow. Follow your heart. Don't make any quick decisions. God Bless. 2
justwhoiam Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 I'm afraid he will pick up everything and move here and then what? What if it doesn't work out? I don't want him living here with me and the kids at this point so he would need to get an apartment. I guess I just don't want the responsibility of it not working out on me if he moves here for me. That's understandable. Such a thing can't be decided over a weekend. Don't feel pressured to make a decision. But he gave no hint that he's going to pressure you into anything. It's more like you've been overthinking everything. And that's normal. You need to be prepared for whatever happens. Maybe we should do the long distance thing for a year, see each other once a month just to see if we're compatible before any major life changes are made? Hold, hold! You're just going to meet each other for a weekend. First, you see how it goes: did you click with him? Did you have a great time? Are there things of him you can't stand? How was he around you? What did he say? Let him express his feelings, if any. And start from there. I just want to be smart about it. Right. If he wants you to be his girlfriend, he will tell you. If he just talks about moving without any word about any relationship, you need to talk about that, so that you both have a clear idea of what either of you want and see if those ideas can match. But honestly, him moving where you live would be the minor of your problems. Guess if you both fall hard for each other and no one of you can move. That would be tough. Anyway, all the "children" involved are pretty grown up, and that helps, because it leaves you both more free about any choice you can make. 2
Author somanyquestions16 Posted April 14, 2013 Author Posted April 14, 2013 Thank you both so much you've really calmed me down. Great advice. I'm definitely overthinking things. Relationships in general scare me a little so throw in a guy who's talking about packing up and moving 2000 away and I'm like a deer in the headlights. I'm going to take it one day at a time. If it is to be...it will be. We'll continue chatting, plan our get together and keep getting to know each other as adults and just see what happens. Thanks again 1
Author somanyquestions16 Posted June 22, 2013 Author Posted June 22, 2013 Hello again I've been lurking for a while. Thought I would update my story. Well about a month ago he decided to take a leave of absence from his job and he came to visit me. He stayed for about 3 weeks. In the beginning it was strange. It had been so many years since we had seen each other. There were times that looking at him and talking to him, he was the SAME EXACT guy I was great friends with all those years ago, and then there were times he was just...different. Remember we were just teenagers the last we saw each other. It was so comfortable though. It took me a handful of days to stop being scared about the potential and to just go with it. At about the week mark we slept together and it was amazing. That's when I fell, for sure. He's like a great friend, funny, happy, smart, affectionate. We really bonded while he was here. After the three week mark he drove home and the plan is to settle his affairs (quit his job, sell his place) and then come back here so we can be together. We talk/text/e-mail every single day but I have to admit I am so scared he's not coming back. It has been so long since I have felt this way about someone and I miss him terribly!!! I really fell hard for him. I'm not being naive, we both know that it's a risk and you can't really know in 3 weeks how things are going to go, but we're so crazy about each other we're willing to take the risk. He has about 9 months of living expenses saved up plus equity in his place when he sells so he's not worried about work right now he knows he'll have time to find something once he's back. He has a strong work ethic so I know he will get a job once he's here, then he will get an apartment and see how it goes with us. In his line of work it should be easy for him to get a job here. I think we're both being smart about it and we know the risks of him picking up his life and moving here. My issue is the insecurity. I am trying to be strong, I guess a part of me is so afraid he's going to change his mind and I have really fallen for him. He has not given me any indication that he's going to change his mind, just the opposite actually, but I can't stop worrying. His plan is to be back here in a month or two, depending on how things go there with selling the condo. He doesn't need to be there for it to sell, but he's hoping it goes quickly. Anyway. Any words of wisdom about how to handle the waiting without worrying all the time that he's never coming back? I know I'm just being neurotic. Every single day he tells me he misses me very much and can't wait to see me again. Yesterday telling me 4x via text how much he misses me. He has his moments of insecurity too where he tells me I'm a great catch and he's afraid someone will scoop me up before he gets back, or where he says he's afraid he'll pick his life up and move here and in a couple of months I will change my mind. We kind of laughed today about that, how sometimes I'm the strong one and he's feeling insecure and sometimes it's the other way around. I just want this so badly. I was so happy being single I was happy with my life, but now that I have decided I want this, I want it now!! lol Thanks!
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