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Posted
Yes it is what we do. We also rarely see everything that is required to get a full picture of someone life/mind.

 

Her actions are what matters. She's done nothing to fix or change anything for over a decade. I'd say that is long enough for my boyfriend to wait for it. And nobody should have to live a life that is made miserable by another.

Posted

You know, I find this fascinating. If my boyfriend were a woman, and there was abuse involved, you would tell him to run for the hills. But you don't consider living with an alcoholic abuse. It is. He was used and abused and I'm glad he left. She is making the conscious decision to drink, and ruin their lives... not her life, but their life together. SO, while I feel sorry for her, I don't feel THAT bad, as she is doing it to herself and he won't stand for it any more.

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Posted
Her actions are what matters. She's done nothing to fix or change anything for over a decade. I'd say that is long enough for my boyfriend to wait for it. And nobody should have to live a life that is made miserable by another.

 

I don't disagree. After a certain point, all he can do is fix his own life. My point was that his drunk wife may not be the lazy, complacent woman she appears do be during the throws of addiction.

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Posted

Generally. It is true though.

Posted
Just an FYI, that's not going to be a popular stance. Just so you're prepared. It's completely realistic and appropriate to feel that way and I agree, but a lot of people are going to disagree with you because apparently many people think that by definition the BS can do no wrong.

 

Thank you for the warning, but I feel it is true.

Posted

I think it is heartbreaking that after 28 years together, all BS can talk about is money. I would feel better about her if she said one single word about love, commitment, caring, or anything else. But it is all about money. Her hurt has nothing to do with losing him. And that makes me sad for him, and her.

 

But he at least tried.

Posted
I think it is heartbreaking that after 28 years together, all BS can talk about is money. I would feel better about her if she said one single word about love, commitment, caring, or anything else. But it is all about money. Her hurt has nothing to do with losing him. And that makes me sad for him, and her.

 

But he at least tried.

 

That makes me feel better for your MM's BW, if all she cares about at this point is money.

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Posted
That makes me feel better for your MM's BW, if all she cares about at this point is money.

 

Hm. Makes you feel better for her. What about him? What about all the years he put in trying to make it work? Oh yeah, I forgot, he is the devil.

Posted
Hm. Makes you feel better for her. What about him? What about all the years he put in trying to make it work? Oh yeah, I forgot, he is the devil.

 

Why should I feel bad for him? He's got love now, right? That's what matters, you going to begrudge some bitchy old drunk money when you two are so happy and in love?

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Posted

Are you saying that since he has found love that he should give her money? Wow. Just... wow.

Posted

Unlike you, I am hoping this is a wake up call for her, that she will sober up and take care of herself.

 

I will say, in his state, there is no alimony, but he still helps her, and I'm okay with that, but I do believe she needs to care for herself.

Posted
Are you saying that since he has found love that he should give her money? Wow. Just... wow.

 

I'm saying he should give her what the law says she's entitled to, and maybe a little more to shut the old drunk up so you two can go enjoy your love together without all the static.

 

Wouldn't that be nice?

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Posted
Unlike you, I am hoping this is a wake up call for her, that she will sober up and take care of herself.

 

I will say, in his state, there is no alimony, but he still helps her, and I'm okay with that, but I do believe she needs to care for herself.

 

lol@wakeup call.

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Posted
I think it is heartbreaking that after 28 years together, all BS can talk about is money. I would feel better about her if she said one single word about love, commitment, caring, or anything else. But it is all about money. Her hurt has nothing to do with losing him. And that makes me sad for him, and her.

 

But he at least tried.

 

 

How on earth do you know her hurt has nothing to do with losing him? How do you know it is all about money...because those are the texts your MM chooses to share with you? I am inclined to agree with many of the things you say, as an OW myself...however, there are ALWAYS two sides to every story. The ones our MM share with us, as lovely as those MM are, are rarely an accurate portrayal of the true state of the homefront.

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Posted
:laugh::laugh: Just give her money? LMAO they have been married for 28 years. It is her money too whether you like it or not. He is going to be just giving her money for the rest of her life. Get use to it.;)

 

ooops just read no alimony in her state. Really?

 

 

Really. No alimony in their state. However, he's been giving her money and will happily continue to do so if she needs. And I am perfectly okay with that.

 

What he's earned up until the divorce is partially hers, but after that, not hers. She has a degree, works in the medical field, can support herself. They have no children at home and she is going to just have to sober up and pay her own bills. It is about time she has to take responsibility.

Posted

Sohappy,

Thank you for answering my question. It's good that you aren't leading him Away from his family or faith.

Whether you realize it or not, you DO have influence over this man, use it wisely*

Posted

I try not to influence his decisions, but just want to support him in whatever decision he makes. He is a good guy, wants to do the right thing, and for the first time in his adult life is trying to do the right thing for himself.

 

I want his happiness. Whatever he has to do to find that, I'll support.

Posted
Wow. Guess what? I am not married, but I guarantee my boyfriend will not stray because I know what he needs. Unlike the BS (in my case only, I don't know the situations of all the other women) I am not a drunk, who ignores him, who won't have sex with him, who won't do anything fun with him, who leaves him alone, and lonely. So say what you want, if you were in my position six months ago (he's left and we are together now), you would not need to rinse off, she would have no idea because she has not touched him for 12 years.

 

You do not know what my boyfriend has been through. He's been through a lot for us to be together. Religiously, socially, emotionally. His life was so empty that he was willing to give up a lot (as have I) to be together. Sometimes there is just someone who is better suited to address the needs of MM. And to make him no longer be MM. Say what you will, judge me, as I am sure you will, but you know nothing. If you are BS, your man cheated for one of two reasons: One: He is a serial cheater. No thanks... not interested. Two: He was neglected and unloved. Which is why he loves me, because I know how to take care of, and love him.

 

Say what you will. I won't believe a word of it. You talk about OW justifying, but that is what BS's do. ALL DAY LONG.

 

Holy hypocrite Batman! You call me judgmental about OWs but you're far more judgmental about BSs than I've ever been about anyone in my entire life.

 

You advocate cheating as if you think everyone who's in an unhappy marriage should do it..THAT is what I find disturbing about you. Cheating is cowardly. Your guy was sooooo unhappy in his marriage, and yet he didn't have the b*lls to leave it before he had you to cushion the blow. He needed you to put a leash on him and lead him away from his own misery instead of taking charge of his own life. And after all that and he needs you to constantly take care of him and pay attention to him and cater to his every whim. According to your belief system, you will never be able to let your guard down. You will constantly have to look, act, and be perfect, because otherwise he will be perfectly justified in cheating on you. That's an exhausting life and I pity you for that.

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Posted
Holy hypocrite Batman! You call me judgmental about OWs but you're far more judgmental about BSs than I've ever been about anyone in my entire life.

 

You advocate cheating as if you think everyone who's in an unhappy marriage should do it..THAT is what I find disturbing about you. Cheating is cowardly. Your guy was sooooo unhappy in his marriage, and yet he didn't have the b*lls to leave it before he had you to cushion the blow. He needed you to put a leash on him and lead him away from his own misery instead of taking charge of his own life. And after all that and he needs you to constantly take care of him and pay attention to him and cater to his every whim. According to your belief system, you will never be able to let your guard down. You will constantly have to look, act, and be perfect, because otherwise he will be perfectly justified in cheating on you. That's an exhausting life and I pity you for that.

 

Good analysis!

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Posted

Athiest it was read - open our legs yeah ? LOL black and white black and white.

 

But i forgot about the high and mighty who do no wrong and never make mistakes .... get over yourselves.

Posted
Personally I think it is pretty low to post what someone said and had a change of heart and deleted it. She changed her mind and chose not to post that and you go ahead and try to stir the pot and post it???

 

 

I find it insulting to say we "just open our legs" wether deleted or not.

Posted
and I am sure she decided that also and thought better of it thus why it was deleted. Instead of repeating it and trying to start nonsense you should feel better she thought her words through and thought enough not to say that.

 

Ok :laugh:

Posted
Holy hypocrite Batman! You call me judgmental about OWs but you're far more judgmental about BSs than I've ever been about anyone in my entire life.

 

You advocate cheating as if you think everyone who's in an unhappy marriage should do it..THAT is what I find disturbing about you. Cheating is cowardly. Your guy was sooooo unhappy in his marriage, and yet he didn't have the b*lls to leave it before he had you to cushion the blow. He needed you to put a leash on him and lead him away from his own misery instead of taking charge of his own life. And after all that and he needs you to constantly take care of him and pay attention to him and cater to his every whim. According to your belief system, you will never be able to let your guard down. You will constantly have to look, act, and be perfect, because otherwise he will be perfectly justified in cheating on you. That's an exhausting life and I pity you for that.

 

 

I was speaking of my experience. I wasn't judging you personally.

 

My boyfriend knows I am far from perfect, but I do know what he needs. He knows what I need as well and we are very compatible.

 

I am sorry if you were hurt. I was not the one that hurt you.

 

I do not want your pity. I am happier than I have ever been. Don't feel sorry for me, things are coming together nicely in my life.

Posted
I was speaking of my experience. I wasn't judging you personally.

 

My boyfriend knows I am far from perfect, but I do know what he needs. He knows what I need as well and we are very compatible.

 

I am sorry if you were hurt. I was not the one that hurt you.

 

I do not want your pity. I am happier than I have ever been. Don't feel sorry for me, things are coming together nicely in my life.

 

Just remember- you cannot control another human being.

 

You cannot love them enough or pay them enough attention to guarantee they won't cheat on you.

 

There is something wrong with him- and unless he addresses that fundamental issue inside himself- through therapy and honest introspection- and it would be better without you around during that time so he can be clear- he will be very, very likely to make his choices again.

 

No amount of sex and affection can guarantee against infidelity.

 

The situation you have described is incredibly high risk- for you.

 

I don't need a reply to this. You just need to think about this and recognize this. This prize you think you have won... this belittling of his spouse... remember- he was compatible enough and romantic enough with her at one point to love her and commit to building a life with her.

 

Look at how he treated that commitment.

 

You cannot lay it all on her feet. And blame her. It's very likely he is incredibly dysfunctional himself- and he acted out with an affair.

 

Tread carefully.

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Posted

He is living on his own, taking care of himself right now. We plan to live together in the next year. Right now he is exploring why things happened. He is in a much better place than he has ever been.

 

Not all people that embark on an affair are screwed up. And not all people who live with an alcoholic are messed up. They rarely did anything together, never spent any time together, and he stayed for his daughter.

 

I find it sad that everyone thinks they can judge him, and me, based on a few lines typed. Nobody knows him.

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