How do you all manage entering new relationships and balancing other aspects of life?

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have a real problem with this.

 

Say you date a man that is virtually a stranger (that's the only way for me to meet someone, unfortunately). Before you allow yourself to get emotionally attached, you examine man's stories, look for inconsistencies in words and actions, look at how everything lines up with what's available publicly (google, FB). It feels like a full time job to me and frankly it's exhausting. I also know that if I am not paying attention, some crucial piece of information will slip by. It has happened many times. Usually when I am not hugely into a guy, I will pay less attention. And many times, in retrospect there was info that clearly told me something that showed that I should walk away, right there and then.

 

I don't think that men are aware that they are under this amount of analysis, because I make sure I disguise my questions well and have different ways of asking the same thing. It feels like I am a detective though :/

 

Later on in a relationship, you can relax a little as you gain trust in someone, but I can't see how you can trust someone with your heart before then. It's just a drain and huge amount of energy that could go towards work and other goals. Yet other people seem to manage it fine.

 

And before you say I should just let it happen or something similar, "letting things happen" has only led to heartbreak in the past.

[veggirl]

Hmmm. Well I've never been one to google a guy or look through his FB for info. I would look at like what's on the front page and that's it. I guess I'm curious what specifically are some things you would be looking to make sure match up?

 

When I met my bf he was a virtual stranger but I didn't do any checking up, most important for me is words and actions matching up, I think that says a lot about someones character and can be used to basically figure out if they are an honest/trustworthy person. I am also big on "intuition" and if something is amiss, I trust I'd have a gut instinct about it.....and THEN I might do some digging but probably not before.

 

I certainly didn't "trust him with my heart" when we were getting to know each other...that would be foolish and yes a lot of women make the mistake of giving their all to a virtual stranger.

[rocketman122]

because of youre previous relationship failures and being hury, you disqualify the men before you give them a chance. guilty until proven innocent is how you see them.

 

Ive been hurt too but I want to love and be loved and put that aside. stop putting the men on trial. otoh, you seem to be looking in all the wrong places for them.

[carhill]

Ask your mother how she assessed your father and balanced other aspects of life while getting to know him.

 

IMO, technology and instant information have, to some degree, impacted the mating process in a negative way.

 

Myself, I go/went on dates during otherwise personal down time, enjoyed my friends, did my hobbies, worked as usual and added, in some cases, another person to my life, most of the time for short periods of time, but one grew into a marriage where that person became a priority for a number of years.

 

I have 'felt' the analysis but that's because I'm sensitive and little surprises me. Perhaps most men don't. Personally, I feel it's counterproductive to real life relations to prosecute analysis in a conscious and deliberate way. Being a relationship 'cop' can be tedious, for both parties. IMO, find another pathway to try.

[Woggle]

Just get to know a person before you commit. You don't have to do some CIA level surveillance. Honestly you said in another thread that you don't trust men so maybe until you get those issues sorted maybe it is best if you take a break from dating.

[phineas]

because of youre previous relationship failures and being hury, you disqualify the men before you give them a chance. guilty until proven innocent is how you see them.

 

Ive been hurt too but I want to love and be loved and put that aside. stop putting the men on trial. otoh, you seem to be looking in all the wrong places for them.

 

It seems to me a lot of women out there just look for any reason to disqualify a man.

I had one woman I just started talking to on OLD cut contact with me because I shopped at a thrift store.

 

Really?

Makes me LOL hard because at the time I told her I was at a thrift store I was there with another woman who was all excited she found something with the tags still on it.

[xxoo]

It sounds like you are going about things backwards, investing too much time before it is warranted.

 

Do you feel a compulsion to do all that digging?

[Treasa]

Er, I guess I just don't make a romantic relationship as important as I used to. I mean, I may do a quick Google check on the dude to make sure he's not wanted for armed assault or something, but that takes five minutes.

 

Otherwise, I don't get into a situation that will lead to heartbreak, because I don't think about the outcome. Honestly. If a guy doesn't work out, he doesn't work out. Since I don't believe in "the one" or anything, it's just not a big deal.

 

I guess it really does come down to truly being happy being alone/single, and having healthy boundaries. I am really optimistic and believe that people are generally good, but if they prove themselves otherwise, I'm out of there.

 

Me/family/work/hobbies/friends all come first. Dating, I guess, occupies the number six slot. As long as I'm good with the first five, then I'm happy.

 

I have no idea if this is making any sense as I'm really sick and can barely see straight at the moment.

[soccerrprp]

It's exhausting. That's why I'm taking a break from dating.

 

I have a 5 and 7 year old, job, preparing the house for sale, helping ex emotionally/physically prepare for her move to another part of the country and balance that with ME time (which is none) is a little too much at times.

 

When I date, I do google and FB to see if she is someone who is out there, exhibitionist, provocative.

 

I do admit it does get a little lonely at times not having an adult presence to satisfy my intellectually and physically, but, overall, enjoy the freedom and lack of stress involved in dating.

Edited April 13, 2013 by soccerrprp

[miss_jaclynrae]

Well ****, with all that work it definitely seems like a full time job!

 

 

 

I wish I could help but I honestly don't understand that logic. Ie always beena go with the flow kind of lady, I only date men I have cold approached, and I just take what they say for face value. Sure, I've been ****ed over once or twice, but I live with the idea that if you don't go all out and jump right into it (trusting wise) then you spend too much time worrying.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I feel bad that you have that outlook on dating.

Have you ever tried to think of the dating as just a fun thing? It sounds like only you are the reason why it has become exhausting.

[iris219]

It sounds like you are going about things backwards, investing too much time before it is warranted.

 

Do you feel a compulsion to do all that digging?

 

This.^

 

I thought I would be able to answer your question based on the title, but it wasn't what I thought it was at all.

 

When my BF and I started dating I had the same problem, but not because I was busy doing background checks. We had difficulty balancing our work, hobbies, etc. with our time spent together. We were unproductive at work and were only getting a few hours of sleep each night. It's been 4 months and 10 lbs (I stopped going to the gym for awhile in order to hang out with him), but we've recently gotten better at balancing our lives with our relationship. It was really hard at first, but worth it because we wanted to spend every minute together. (I'm not happy about the weight gain. ) This is probably common. What you're doing is much less common.

 

A good, stable man will be transparent and will make you feel comfortable and secure. You will not feel the need to do background checks. If you do, there's probably something off and you need to move on.