Complicated. Stuck in limbo, can't move forward, can't break up. Killing us both.

[almond]

Hi all.

 

Apologies in advance for the long post! I have never gotten this off my chest entirely, and I think it is well overdue. I have read so many threads in this forum trying to find something applicable to my situation, but couldn't find anything quite right. So...here I am. I am absolutely desperate for any and all advice. Apologies if this post is a bit disjointed - I'm a little upset at the minute.

 

My boyfriend and I are currently on a break of sorts. We have been together for almost five years.

 

Some background info:

 

We got together when we were quite young, 20, and our relationship has been amazing. Very intense. We were very close friends for almost two years prior to anything at all happening. We have a strong friendship that still remains.

 

We had lived together for approx 3.5 years. He moved out 7 weeks ago now. We did everything together...which may not have been for the best. But, we always just wanted each other there...it was never forced by either side, or perhaps, we just fell into this...I don't know.

 

Now, it was quite a serious relationship. We had both expressed that we would marry and have children in the future. We had been looking to buy a house together...we traveled the world together and did a lot of growing up with each other. We were the benchmark for other people's relationships (according to others...blah blah "perfect couple" blah blah). But nothing is ever as it seems...is it?

 

So, we had always had issues with him being somewhat irresponsible and unreliable. Now, G (what we shall call him) has always been an amazing person. He is the type that absolutely everybody adores and loves. Life of the party, kind, engaging...etc. He also has the kindest heart out of anyone I know. It absolutely destroys him to see me upset, or disappointed in him in any way. G is reckless with money, and self-medicates with going out and socialising. If there is a social event of any kind on, we had to be there otherwise it would negatively affect his mood quite significantly. This progressed in severity as the relationship went on. G can sometimes unintentionally be very selfish when his mind lock on to something...something that he feels he needs in order to feel good. He almost chases it like a drug addict sometimes...an escape. G as always been very apologetic for any actions that are hurtful, and shows genuine remorse. He has a damaging habit of beating himself up for an extended period of time when he hurts anyone...especially me.

 

Now, everything was great (other than G's impulsive spending, forgetfulness and desperate need for socialising, and the proceeding arguments) for around 2.5 years - then my mother got incredibly ill. She suffered extensive brain injury through an accident. This made life incredibly hard for all of us. G felt the stress of it all, and it absolutely ripped him apart to see me so upset. I felt that he retreated to some extent due to the pain he was feeling. He was also very close with my family, so this hurt him deeply as well.

 

I lost all interest in sex and socialising during this period, and G was respectful of this. He cut down on his socialising significantly, and was quite supportive. I slowly got back into it all, and all was as it were in those regards.

 

Over the following year, things slowly started changing between us. G's moods were increasingly down and erratic. It was very hard to manage and deal with. I felt so often that he did not care about me, as he would act so incredibly selfish. Never kept promises, forgot very important things all the time etc. I took all of this personally, and we had some horrible fights with lots of tears. It was me doing the yelling, and he was always confused, and incredibly apologetic. He could never understand why he was doing the things he was, and swore over and over that he'd try harder. He meant it, and this was all genuine. Still, it was hard to push away the feeling that he just didn't love me enough to make me a priority. G has struggled with choosing a career, saving money and basically managing his life in many ways. He cannot keep track of bills and spending, and is frequently out of money with bills that need to be paid. This was another issue that caused frequent arguments. This caused the development of a parent/child relationship, that is obviously incredibly bad for a romantic relationship. Anyway...sorry, I'm rambling.

 

For the last year, G has lost feelings for me. He finally broke down hysterically in tears and told me. He expressed that he had lost feelings for his family also...lots of things, all characteristic of some underlying issues with both his mental state as well as the state of our relationship. G is at the point where it almost physically hurts him to see me hurt or upset. G has INCREDIBLE guilt. H started experiencing intrusive thoughts of me being on fire etc. He could not have sex with me any longer (and he had a very, very high sex drive) as he felt too guilty doing so...as though he didn't deserve it. We persisted, and started doing the rounds with some doctors hoping for some improvement. The same issues recurred...we could not escape the cycle of him accidentally doing something hurtful, me getting sad/angry/crying, him getting down about it and feeling guilty, then me feeling guilty also and apologising and trying to make him feel better. I tried so so hard to control my reactions, but the frustration and hurt was just too much for me, and when something happened, I just cracked. I tried so hard.

 

We are now on a break. GG had expressed prior to this that he wanted to go and live with his brother, and I got upset and said that if he left, it would be the end - "we either work through this together, or not at all." G has now moved out - I asked him to out of frustration and tears, after when questioned he advised me that he still wanted to go and live with his brother. I wanted a break up (well, I didn't, but this is what I had asked for) and he begged me not to do that. He said he wanted to be together, and that him moving out would help our relationship, and help his feelings return. I agreed, and then he told me a few days later that he needs time to decide whether the relationship is what he wants or not. Ugh.

 

As it stands, G has been diagnosed with severe ADHD, bipolar disorder with mixed states, mild depression and mild OCD. We received this diagnosis approximately 7 months ago now. The diagnosis explained so much, and once he was medicated and started receiving appropriate follow up care, we were optimistic that things between us would improve. They didn't, and here we are.

 

Whilst on our break, G and I have stayed in close contact. We have slept together a few times, gone out and had fun etc. G has expressed that he loves me more than anyone and anything, and that he wants to get better for us, for the sake of our relationship. He says that he cannot handle a relationship though, that his mental state is just not up to it. That he has such incredible guilt in relation to me, that he absolutely cannot hurt me anymore, as it is damaging for his mental state. He is not sleeping nor eating well as it is. We set a month limit in place for this break, but he had made no progress at all in regards to making a decision as to whether we were to be together or not. We are still here now.

 

I just don't know what to do. I have supported him in every possible way I know how. I have waited for so long for something to change...for him to be able to give something back...to contribute to the relationship. I know he is unwell. I know it is not his fault. I love him more than anything - he is amazing, truly. I have never met anyone like him, and so many people that meet him comment on his personality...he is a really kind, special person. I am so scared of losing him. He doesn't want to break up, but he doesn't want a relationship...he is so confused and lost.

 

This is killing me. I don't want to lose him, but how long do I wait? How long do I sit in limbo, wishing that he were here with me? Waiting for him to call? He has said he wants nothing more than for us to be able to be happy together, and that is his aim. But he cannot be in a relationship with me at the moment due to fear of hurting me, and the resulting impact it will have on his mental state to see me upset due to his actions. He is very down on himself. He is committed to his treatment for his mental illness, and we are going to our first relationship counseling session on Tuesday.

 

I do not want to lose him, I am deeply in love with him still, but this confusion and uncertainty is killing me. I have tried to just live my life and move on whilst allowing him time to decide, but I cannot move on until I know. I am getting very tired, and starting to get a little depressed over it all. I am terrified that he will be gone forever, and I don't think I have it in me to end it properly. I am also terrified of how long I'll be sitting here like this for...with no idea whether my partner and best friend is ever going to come back to me or not. I can't live in this weird in-between phase, it's horrible.

 

What would you do? How long would you wait? It would be so much easier if he could show me love, and we could work through this together, as a team. Doing it separately like this is tearing me apart. I love him so much, and it destroys me to see him suffer like this. But I can't do this for much longer, it is not good for me

 

Please, advice or help would be amazing. Thank you to anyone that read this far, and apologies for the gargantuan post!

 

--almond.

Edited April 13, 2013 by almond

[ThatJustHappened]

It sounds like your break wasn't actually a break. He moved out and you kept right on going with the relationship. What you really need is a longer break with no contact at all. It would be hard but it would help the two of you decide if you want to be together or not. A mentally ill boyfriend is a lot to take on..I know you love him but that's an enormous drain on you..you should think about whether or not that's what you want. And it would give him a chance to see what life is really like without you and he can figure out how he feels about that.

[almond]

You're right. For the first two weeks, we allowed one phone call per week, and one face to face chat every fortnight. Then after that, we ended up speaking a lot more...it just happened.

 

Do you think NC is a good idea in this regard? Or limited contact? How long should a break last? I'm just worried because at the end of this, I am sure he still won't be able to make a decision.

 

I do understand that taking this on is incredibly hard - I've felt the effects of it. I love him so deeply though, and he has never been nasty or violent towards me or anyone else...only himself. He is incredible, and the qualities he has weigh out the negatives in my opinion. I have faith that his illness can be managed effectively. He is an amazingly kind and caring partner. I am scared that I am taking on something that will negatively impact me for the rest of my life, but, I am too in love with him to do otherwise.

 

I don't know. This whole thing is just so hard...I wish I didn't love him.

[ThatJustHappened]

You did the same thing I did. I moved out after the break up and then we started dating again a few weeks later because we missed each other so much..but the problem with that is that none of the issues that caused the break up had been solved yet. Same deal for you. You need some real time apart to see how it feels. I'd say at least 4-6 months. That would help you figure out if you want to get back together or not.

 

I know it's hard and I'm sorry..but none of your problems are going to solve themselves. You have to take some time apart or you're going to crack and start hating each other.

[almond]

Wow, 4-6 months? I wasn't prepared for that. I will definitely keep it in mind, and mull over the pros and cons of a lengthy break.

 

It's just so hard. I want to be there for him and support him through this, but out of guilt he cannot be around me. I just wish it were more simple. F*** mental illness.

[ThatJustHappened]

I know you want to be there for him. I wanted to be there for my ex too when he lost his job and became depressed. But he doesn't want you to, and you can't help someone who doesn't help himself or want your help. It doesn't sound like he's happy to be back together, it sounds like he's putting a band aid on the situation, that he loves you but that he's too scared to break up with you fully because he doesn't want to hurt you. It's like putting a band aid on a gushing wound..this state of limbo is only going to make things worse and take away your chances for a future.

 

I felt the same way you did. We dated and stayed in limbo for nearly a year and it was great at first, but then we descended into hell. We finally broke it off for real...and guess who's back now? We're seeing how things go.

[almond]

Thank you for reading and replying - it is really helpful through this period.

 

I do agree - this limbo business has to stop. I just am so scared to end it now. I don't want to lose him, I don't want to be without him. I know that I have to do what I have to do though, no matter how much it hurts. I just don't know what the right thing to do is.

 

I don't think it's that he's too afraid of hurting me to end it - he has stated many times that he wants us to be happy together. I have tried to end it a few times as the pain has gotten too much, and he always argues the point. He doesn't want to lose me either I don't think, but he just can't deal with a relationship at the moment.

 

I think I will have to go limited contact for an extended period of time. Maybe a once per fortnight phone call perhaps? We are seeing a relationship counselor Tuesday, so we'll see how that goes also.

 

Thanks again for your help - I know I need to do this on my own, but this is my first serious relationship, and it is tearing me apart. I lost a lot of friends in the years after my mum got ill - people become uncomfortable with those that are suffering like that. I understand it. But I feel that he is the only one who knows what that was like, and the only one that understands it all.

 

I am so scared, and I am weak from my mother's illness. I just don't know if I can handle losing him too. I love him.

 

I am so happy for you that you have reconciled with your partner. I genuinely wish you all the best, and hope it is different and fabulous this time around! <3

[ThatJustHappened]

Oh my. You and I have so much in common. My mom was sick for a very long time and I took care of her and lost a ton of friends (she passed away 7 years ago). Your relationship sounds exactly like mine too (we even did counseling around the same time in our break up/dating).

 

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I wish I could give you a hug.

 

Honestly..the break is the only way you're going to figure anything out.

[almond]

That sucks so much I am sorry to hear about your mother - it is so horrible seeing someone suffer like that. Let alone, having a struggling partner/relationship too. Sucks you had to go though the same thing. I feel like I am so damaged from it all...I used to be so happy.

 

I just feel like I can't handle it. He is the main thing that makes me happy...it feels like he's the only thing a lot of the time. I am scared, but I will take your advice I think...I will get my head around things, and try and gear up to take a very limited/no contact break. It will be hard to lose him though, and I worry so much about him.

 

Once again, thanks for all of your help, and I hope everything goes well for you from here on

[ThatJustHappened]

You'll be happy again. I know you will.

 

When you're able to PM, feel free to PM me any time.

 

And thanks for the well wishes. I hope it goes well too! Only time will tell though.

[almond]

Definitely, will PM you once I'm able

 

What are everyone's thoughts on doing couples counseling through a break? The aim is to repair the relationship, so is perhaps NC other than counseling sessions a reasonable idea? I suppose this depends on the counselor and their ideas also, but maybe working through some of the uncertainty in counseling and having no contact in between until (if) we are ready to make significant changes etc?

 

Or am I just being stupid here?

 

I just feel like there is so much worth fighting for, but I don't know how much fight I have left in me...

 

His ADHD is being treated well, but the bipolar is actually a more recent development. I feel that he is manic a lot of the time, and if this can be alleviated via the use of mood stabilising meds, it could make a world of difference. Wishful thinking, I know, but worth waiting for I think.

 

Ugh. I feel like this will never be over...it has been so long since we were consistently happy, I miss it so much.

Edited April 13, 2013 by almond

[almond]

Still here, in the same position.

 

I love him and miss him so much - he feels the same, but is terrified of getting back together because hurting or disappointing me destroys him. He says that letting me down is bad for his mental state, as he feels like a failure and gets overwhelming guilt.

 

We went to see a relationship counselor. Basically, he told us that my partner needs to continue to focus on getting his illness sorted, and that we should just relax, not make any decisions and just enjoy each others company. He stated that we appear to have a lot of love and respect for each other, and that we both desperately want it to work. He said that he doesn't see many couples like this walk into his office, and that we should just chill out, wait and accept that nothing will change overnight. He said that there was not much that he could do as our relationship seems to be very good in most areas.

 

It's hard for me to do this, and I expressed that. I need to be with him, or move on with my life. The thought of losing him terrifies me, and I doubt that I could really walk away, but it hurts so much. But I am trying so hard to wait, and I just desperately hope that his mental health issues can be successfully managed, and that things work out between us. It is torture just waiting, and watching him suffer so badly.

 

He has INTENSE and inappropriate guilt towards me. Whenever I try to bring up our relationship issues, he caves, goes into a state of sorts and shuts down. It is too painful for him to talk about. A lot of the time he ends up in tears just repeatedly apologising and saying that he wishes he were a better person for me.

 

I am trying so hard to support him. He is scared to be in contact with me too often in case he hurts or disappoints me. With his issues, this is a common occurrence, and I try incredibly hard not to take them personally.

 

I think I just have to hold on, be there for him, and hope that once the bipolar is under control that we can go back to being happy together. I have had a long think about it all, and I don't think that NC would work in this situation.

 

I know there's not much you guys can say...I think I just needed to get it out.

 

Thanks to anyone that read.

Edited April 29, 2013 by almond

[almond]

Just thought I'd update.

 

I went very limited contact, and it didn't go too well. My partner ended up abusing his medication, not sleeping, lost his job, and ended up in a mountain of debt. It was horrible. He lost the plot.

 

I stepped in, booked him in with a reputable psychiatrist, and he has been diagnosed with multiple things. He is unwell, and has been for a long time.

 

We are now working through this together (not back together, but not broken up...still in limbo). He has started a course of new medication, which should help. He also may be hospitalised in the next few weeks to get him stabilised ASAP. We are waiting until he gets stable before making any decisions regarding the future of our relationship.

 

It has been a long time. I hope to have some sort of resolution soon, I am so tired. Mental illness is horrible.

 

<3 to anyone suffering from mental illness, as well as those close to them. I cannot imagine anything more painful and confusing.

[almond]

Just an update for the sake of it. Reading back over this thread has made me realise how far we've come.

 

We have been living together for a few months now. Bipolar diagnosis was thankfully incorrect. G has been doing so much better! He is probably better than ever, and completely med free. He went through a really rough period in his life, and it seriously impacted our relationship. It was a test of our commitment and strength and somehow, we have managed to pull through.

 

We stuck by each other, even after all seemed lost, and we have reconnected over time and feel stronger than ever.

 

Sometimes, even when it seems utterly hopeless, things work out if both people are committed and truly want it.

 

Scary ****. Real eye opener. Huge learning experience for the both of us.