Leegh Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 While most divorced people re-marry, why is it that they very rarely re-marry their ex-spouse? Do brain chemicals which control romantic love "burn out" for their ex-spouse? I realize there are circumstances where one person does not want the divorce, etc., but in general most people that marry several times during their lifetime, most do not re-marry a former spouse, even though they may have been madly in love with that person at one time. Speaking for myself, with old boyfriends that I was once in love with, when I've talked to them 3 or more years down the road, there is no romantic feeling there anymore. I still think they are great people, but I feel nothing romantic towards them anymore. Obviously, all of our thoughts are controlled by the brain, but does anyone have any thoughts or opinions as to what happens in the brain, as to why most people do not regain that same "high" for a past romantic partner? Indeed, we may still think the person is great, but not be interested romantically again. I've been trying to figure it out, but can't. Thanks in advance for any answers!
Starrdust Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 I'm not too sure about the science behind it but maybe it's like the " been there, done that, got the T shirt" feeling. I.e the euphoria or xfactor has been fully explored. The brain is no longer stimulated by a past high when it's been associated with a negative experience, such as the process of the break up.
Mack05 Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Sometimes the damage done is irreversible in a relationship. I still love my ex. We broke up 2 years ago. The thing is even if by some miracle we reconnected, I wouldn't want to try again. I would never place my trust in her again and vice versa. Trust when it's broken is like a shattered vase. No matter how hard you try to fix it the vase is never the same again. It doesn't look as pretty. Some people can live with a repaired vase that has cracks all over it. Others feel its best to get a new vase and take better care of the new vase. My ex will always have a special place in my heart. I wish I did things different before we got together and during when we together. I wish I met her when I was in a happy place in my life. Without her intervention in my life, goodness where I would have ended up. Losing her was eventually the catalyst for me to make the necessary changes I needed to make in my life. I know she learnt things from me too. I'm sure of it actually. The person we end up with doesn't happen by accident. Sometimes we need to experience harsh relationship/personal lessons so that we know how to self improve and emotionally mature. Those lessons we learn we can put to use in our next relationship. My last ex once said "I don't want someone else getting the benefits of my hard work". At the time I laughed but in a way she was right. More often than not the person we end up with, we wouldn't have ended up with them without the influence our ex's had in our lives. It's is far easier to paint on a blank canvass then it is to repaint of a picture that is flawed. The new picture tends to be far more beautiful....We don't repeat the same mistakes.. 2
carhill Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 IME, listening to women, the phrase 'starting over' is almost universal. IMO, it's the 'ball of wire' brain theory for women versus the 'boxes' theory for men. With women, everything is connected to everything else and all the negatives of the past M are connected to the present and/or prospective interactions with the past spouse. Men are more likely to put the past box away and live in the present. This is supported by anecdotes in the breaking up and second chances forums on LS , as well as in real life when listening to women talk about past experiences like they just happened yesterday. This of course presumes heterosexual normative behaviors. If both parties are on the same page regarding the past and can take the lessons learned and apply them in the present, and still feel love and attraction (possible for some people), then romance can be re-captured or begun anew. Personally, once someone has faded back into the billions, that's it for me. They don't exist on a romantic plane anymore. That's reflective of one personality and style. YMMV.
AKisBaked Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 I agree with what Mack05, regardless of our past lives and even if until this day we all will remember that someone who was special in "our" lives. They made a difference. They made an impact on our lives and who we are now. I'm not married nor am I close to be , I've only had gf's and ex's but what doesn't lure me back to them is the trust and emotional connection. I may still think of them down the road from now and remember the happy times we've had together BUT there is always a moment in the relationship were everything is spiraling mess, and during those times your unhappy. And it's just timing when one of you will give up and stop caring about the other... It sucks... Because the person who you thought that would never give up on you, IS giving up on you. We can love someone forever. But its not the same kind of love we share when we are with someone different other from our ex's. I think this video pretty much explains what Mack05 is saying. We can still love someone from far back in our past lives but the fire and excitement for that person isn't there anymore. hhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83BxayyVcbA
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