targaryen Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Hi there, I need honest opinions about the below as I'm going crazy with people's different opinions and I can't make up my mind on what to do...basically I've known for a month that a friend of mine is organising her 26th birthday party and is inviting both me and my ex. We were friends with this friend as a couple...unfortunately when I told my friend that I won't be going to avoid the ex, she threw a bit of a fit and said she wanted me to go to prove my friendship...most of my friends have advised me to simply go to the party, and ignore the ex, or take a date with me etc...however I still do not want to go!! How can I be in the same room with this woman for 3 hours or so? It would make me feel like crap...however nobody is getting it...they're all saying it's been 2 months + I should be getting over this by now...darn it..what do i do? the most annoying part of this is that i feel like i want to go...i want to go and impress her, show her in some way that I don't care....I haven't seen her in so long...but I know that it goes against the NC bubble I've been trying to build up! Any advice ? edit: also i've been struggling to find a date and the looming party puts so much pressure on me ...if I go, i want to take a date with me...
richard9 Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 I cant believe your 'friend' said that you should go to 'prove' your frienship, it shows total lack of understanding o her part! Infact SHE should be proving her friendship at this difficult time for you by understanding that if it is too painful for you it may hurt you further emotionally. I think she probably thinks it will just be awkward for you and its just a small hurdle. Clearly it isnt, and it is your decision if you go or not. Other peoples happiness is not your concern atm, infact whether you are there or not should not determine other peoples happiness anyway. If you are not ready to see your ex, do not go, it may cause you further pain, you have to take care of yourself and put yourself first while you are healing. If your friend doesnt understand then trust me she is not a real friend. Real friends do not ask their friends to prove their friendship. Good luck. 7
Author targaryen Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 (edited) thank you for confirming what i was thinking all along...she didn't actually use the word 'prove your friendship' but she did say she will be very angry if i didn't go...her advice was simply to say hi to the ex and her date if she brings one and then ignore her for the reset of the evening...she said it's about time i get over the hump and move on and if i dont' go i would simply be avoiding the problem rather than handling it like a man.i guess someone who has been in a 10 year relationship like this woman doesn't understand the concept of breaking up after 4 years...and she is also against the entire NC philosophy (she wants me to be friends with my ex....maybe so things could go back to the way they were at the time when we were simply one group of friends?) I don't know, I'm very confused. I'm sure my ex won't have any difficulty seeing me and saying hi because she is the one who left me but i have been agonising about this decision for weeks...to go or not to go?I feel that if I go, I have to take a date with me (which I can't find because I'm trying too hard and coming on too strong with girls lately) but also if I go, it's because it's an excuse to see the ex (who I miss terribly)...I guess I can go for a few minutes just to tick the 'present' box and then scram...? Also, if I do not go, I feel that I would be sending a message to my ex that I'm not over her (which is the truth but she doesn't need to know that). I wish I had a convenient / believable excuse for not attending .... Edited April 13, 2013 by targaryen
Sexy Teddy Bear Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 She obviously doesn't understand what it's like to be in your position. She thinks that she is helping you by making you confront your "problem" but in reality it will probably just make it worse and throw you right back to the beginning. Dont go dude. If you feel like this about the party, just dont go. And just tell your friend that she simply doesn't understand. If she understood what you were feeling right now, she wouldnt tell you to confront her. That is a baaad idea if you ask me. 1
Minneloa Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 I'm sorry that you are faced with this situation, which sounds like it is causing you a lot of confusion and distress. That said, I completely agree with the two posters' advice above. You really do not have to go if you don't want to and/or you feel it will set back your healing process. The birthday girl, from what you have posted, is being a selfish prima donna! She sounds like she is more concerned with group unity and her own party than your well-being and recovery from the breakup. No bueno. As much as possible, try to clear away what others may think and focus on what YOU need. You don't have to prove yourself to anyone. It's a birthday party, not a world peace summit. You only have to take care of yourself and make the best decision based on YOUR needs. Sending good thoughts, M. 4
TaserTag Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Your friends are sounding really insensitive here. It's easy for them to say that you should be over the breakup already and just be friends with your ex, because that's what would be easiest for them. 2 months isn't a long time after a breakup, and not wanting to see your ex isn't avoiding the issue and 'not handling it like a man.' You're trying to be mature and do what is right for you. You shouldn't have to go to a party and pretend that everything is awesome when it's not. I also wouldn't worry about sending a message to your ex that you're not over her if you don't attend the party. There's no need for you to make things easier and more comfortable for her. If you don't show up to the party, she'll know that she hurt you and you don't want to see her. That's okay. You've already spent weeks upset about this party and worrying about what-ifs.. I wouldn't give it any more of my time if I were you. Can you make other plans for that night? Anything? 6
richard9 Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 thank you for confirming what i was thinking all along...she didn't actually use the word 'prove your friendship' but she did say she will be very angry if i didn't go...her advice was simply to say hi to the ex and her date if she brings one and then ignore her for the reset of the evening...she said it's about time i get over the hump and move on and if i dont' go i would simply be avoiding the problem rather than handling it like a man.i guess someone who has been in a 10 year relationship like this woman doesn't understand the concept of breaking up after 4 years...and she is also against the entire NC philosophy (she wants me to be friends with my ex....maybe so things could go back to the way they were at the time when we were simply one group of friends?) Indeed, clearly she has no understanding of the pain a break up can cause. It is difficult with mutual friends, to be honest I rarely see them anymore, it was kind of a group friendship, me and my ex would visit them, it wouldnt really be just one of us. So I decided to start distancing myself from them when I was hurting badly, it brought back too many memories, and they would always ask about her when i was there on my own. It's not selfish to think of only yourself when you are hurting badly and need to heal. She wouldnt ask a person with a debilitating physical illness to attend, heartbreak is not that different imo. Also, if I do not go, I feel that I would be sending a message to my ex that I'm not over her so what?? you know what it does show, it shows you have a HEART! I used to think that way, oh no my ex will realise im not over her, what if she is with another guy and has moved on and I havent?? yeah it shows im not a heartless bitch, it shows the relationship meant something to me, it shows i gave my all, it shows that she meant that much to me that i just cant get with someone else. Absolutely NOTHING wrong with your ex knowing how much you are hurting, it shows how much the relationship meant to you. That said, try not to think about what she is thinking by you not being there, there's no way to tell and it will send your mind in circles. You are doing this for YOU not her. Why not treat yourself that night? something to take your mind off the party
CompleteFailure Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 My advice would be to do what you want to do, and don't do what you're not comfortable with. Exercise your right as a MAN and listen to yourself. Who cares what others are going to think, say, feel. You are in control of yourself. Your friend will get over it, just make sure to buy them something nice. Or you could get into a bicycle injury and get sent to ER thus avoiding the ex and the friend. Two birds one stone.
cavalier99 Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 F*ck that BS. DONT GO. Horrible idea to attend. Cav 3
Author targaryen Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 Sorry I didn't reply earlier. A lot of good advice here. Thanks The party is in a couple of days. If I were to do what I feel like doing, it's to go, because I do want to see her and I miss her. But I know that the result will be feeling worse , probably getting drunk in reaction to it. I did manage to find a friend who will pretend to be my date (bless her) if I were to go, but I feel that doing that will be immature and my ex will immediately realise it's a ruse. Best thing is not to go. There's already a lot of other things I could be doing on that night anyway. The birthday girl has since then recanted and said she'll understand if I don't go so that's it, I guess I was only worrying about this party because in reality I just wanted to see her face (I haven't seen her since February). So yeah, that's my final decision: I'm NOT going 2
Larry Walker Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 Go to the party and take your new girlfriend. If you don't have a new girlfriend, hire an escort. It will drive your ex crazy.
ChazzB Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 if you can handle seeing her without it all breaking apart, that is an interesting thought
BrokenHeartedSavior Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 I agree with almost every poster here- DO NOT GO! you arent there to prove anything to anyone! You ARE NOT ready to see your ex, screw "proving" your friendship. Thats total bull. Your "friend" is being extremely insensitive, and you know it. As far as "impressing" your ex- thats not your job, it'll only seem un-natural and phoney anyway. Do yourself a favor, and spare yourself needless pain. Don't go.
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