Whats wrong with me: Unbelievably CRAZY relationship, but I still miss her?

[cereal_dater]

I'm reflecting back on my 17 month relationship that ended a week ago, and by all logic, I should be elated it's over, but I'm not.

 

The first 6-8 months were bliss; we were so in love and the fond memories are endless. She moved fast right out of the gate but treated me amazing.

 

Then the "real her" started to surface. She was a loose cannon with a temper, and as the months rolled on, the ice got thinner. She could be happy one minute, screaming the next. I observed about three patterns of mood swings: happy, sad and ANGRY which also became more exacerbated with time. She suffered from depression and was not consistent with taking her meds. Her ten year old son was also emotionally unstable with a host of mood disorders.

 

Games, manipulations, :

 

- During fights, she'd scream at me to leave, only to call as I'm driving home and plead for me to return. She'd get mad on the phone, hang up, call right back.

 

- Demanded I remove female facebook friends she saw as a threat. Accused me of cheating. Demanded my facebook/email password or she'd end the relationship. I called her bluff on that. Pulled the "if you loved me you'd do XYZ" ultimatums.

 

- Several times threatened to go to the Police / File Lawsuits for things I had not done (stole from her, broke her phone, etc). It was all talk to scare me and manipulate me.

 

Respect:

 

- When she was angry it wasn't uncommon for her to belittle me for my job, put me down, call names, make me feel bad, yell and scream.

 

- She would twist the smallest things I did and go to her family/friends with these stories about how poorly I treated her; so much that I have received threats from several of them (they're all loose cannons). She LOVED playing the victim and looking for sympathy.

 

- Caught her out with another guy behind my back last summer. She claimed nothing physical happened, came clean, apologized profusely and I took her back after several days NC. She's also overly friendly with the opposite sex and crossed the line at the bar once flirting (I heard second hand).

 

The crazy and chaotic:

 

- I was scared to bring her out with my friends after several blowups. She literally was screaming at my friend one night because he sent me a picture of his new girlfriend and told me about a few of their dates. Another time she stormed out mad, only to come back and act like nothing happened. She wouldn't think twice about making a scene over nothing.

 

- One night she dreamed up some reason that I owed her $15, and said if I didn't repay it by 9pm she was going to "go ghetto" and send people to my parents house to collect it (I moved back home for grad school).

 

- Threatened to show up at my house and make a scene to take back a Christmas present during a fight.

 

- Similarly threatened to come bang on the door several times at midnight, and actually showed up and sat outside to taunt me once. She would literally get so mad you couldn't rationalize with her and became completely uncontrollable, very scary.

 

- These are just a few examples (!) I told myself so many times "you need to get out of this". It was just easier said than done. Lots of people tried to warn me I was in an abusive relationship.

 

 

No doubt I could go on... but you get the picture. Of course, things weren't ALWAYS bad, and I really enjoyed her company even to the end when things were "normal". The relationship ended because I couldn't bring myself to let her meet my parents yet, she felt shunned from my life, etc. I understand her point of view and we haven't talked since the breakup. Our final words to each other were pretty hate filled and not good. By all logic I shouldn't even look back; but I miss her, the good times, the companionship. What's wrong with me?!

Edited April 13, 2013 by cereal_dater

[richard9]

Nothing, she was a part of your life, you had some good memories with her at the beginning of the relationship so you know she has a good side and that is what you most likely miss. Its amazing how through all the **** a second of goodness towards us from our ex can have us caring about them and have us thinking that they are really not that bad and its worth all the ****, when really its not.

 

You have to weigh up the good and the bad. Im sure you just miss the good, especially the companionship, perhaps you even miss that she was explosive and different, anyhow it definately wasnt a healthy relationship and someone that you are better away from imo.

[Downtown]

Cereal, the behaviors you describe are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. These behaviors include the verbal abuse, temper tantrums, always being "The Victim," rapid flips between loving you and hating you, and irrational jealousy.

 

Only a professional can determine whether your Ex's BPD traits are so severe as to satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for "having BPD." This does not imply, however, that you cannot spot the red flags or warning signs. There is nothing subtle about traits such as verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and inability to trust.

 

Please keep in mind that every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all nine of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means everyone exhibits the nine traits to some degree. At issue, then, is NOT whether your Ex exhibits the nine traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits most of those traits at a strong and persistent level. Not having ever met her, I don't know the answer to that question. I nonetheless am confident that you can easily learn to spot strong occurrences of the symptoms. I therefore suggest that you read about the nine BPD traits so you are better able to spot them when dating other women.

 

An easy place to start reading is my post in Rebel's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. If that description of BPD traits rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources.

I still miss her .... What's wrong with me?!

If your Ex has strong BPD traits, there likely is nothing wrong with you because what you are feeling is normal for any man who has been in an 17 month relationship with a BPDer. Significantly, BPDers are very VERY easy to fall in love with. During the honeymoon period, which typically lasts up to six months, a BPDer will mirror your personality so perfectly that you will be convinced you have met your "soul mate." After the honeymoon period ends, BPDer relationships can become very addictive because you mistakenly believe that -- if you can only figure out what YOU are doing wrong -- you can restore her to that wonderful woman you saw at the beginning. I describe this in more detail at the link I provided above. Take care, Cereal.

[Mack05]

What is wrong with you is low self esteem. People suffering with low self esteem leaving a toxic relationship, is a very hard thing to go through..My last relationship was the exact same as yours.

 

I agree with Downtown her behaviour is that of someone with BPD traits. I would be reluctant to label her without meeting her, but the following articles might help you make sense of her behaviour.

 

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves - Roger Melton, M.A.

 

T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York

 

If she is BPD (and we can only speculate) they are attracted to two kinds of guys. Narcissists and Codependents. You don't seem like a narc so maybe codependent? I am just guessing. The key thing to note is emotionally healthy people don't dance with emotionally unhealthy people. You need to address your own issues because if you don't you will go from drama filled relationship to drama filled relationship.

Edited April 13, 2013 by Mack05