has anyone asked themself this?

[waterwoman]

What would constitute a decent ending though? An affair tends by it's nature to be shortterm doesn't it? and at the mercy of discovery and sudden ending. It's not nice to think that I am sure but generally most APs accept and recognise that don't they? H told me he texted OW to say ihad found some incriminating texts and they had to stop. He wasn't rude or unkind but Simply told her the facts. They then had a brief conversation at work when he apologised to her and reiterated it was over. He had never made her any promises to leave, in fact made it clear he wouldn't. So what else was required? What else would have helped? The more he 'helped' her at that time, the more he'd have hurt me. I was his priority and much as I might sympathise with her that simple fact couldn't be ignored.

[BetrayedH]

I remembered today that upon Dday and my wife recommitting to the marriage, I did tell her that, if it was necessary, to have one last "closure event" before going NC. I'm not sure I've ever admitted that here and it makes me shudder that I essentially gave her permission to eff him one last time. Ugh. I think I saw instant NC as unrealistic. I was reading a lot about broken NC, multiple Ddays and false reconciliations at the time. If my wife and I were going reconcile, I wanted NC to stick for life. I didn't want lies or some false reconciliation. I think I was also trying to gauge the level of commitment between them. My wife declined having any such closure event. But they also didn't go immediate NC. I permitted my wife 90 days for one of them to transfer or for her to leave the job.

 

What a freakin' mess. Wish I had just packed her bags. My wife seemed remorseful and willing to end the affair and recommit to us so I was just doing anything to try to somehow salvage the nuclear family. Doing "anything" to salvage the marriage is about the last thing a BS should do. Damn hindsight.

[where to start]

I remembered today that upon Dday and my wife recommitting to the marriage, I did tell her that, if it was necessary, to have one last "closure event" before going NC. I'm not sure I've ever admitted that here and it makes me shudder that I essentially gave her permission to eff him one last time. Ugh. I think I saw instant NC as unrealistic. I was reading a lot about broken NC, multiple Ddays and false reconciliations at the time. If my wife and I were going reconcile, I wanted NC to stick for life. I didn't want lies or some false reconciliation. I think I was also trying to gauge the level of commitment between them. My wife declined having any such closure event. But they also didn't go immediate NC. I permitted my wife 90 days for one of them to transfer or for her to leave the job.

 

What a freakin' mess. Wish I had just packed her bags. My wife seemed remorseful and willing to end the affair and recommit to us so I was just doing anything to try to somehow salvage the nuclear family. Doing "anything" to salvage the marriage is about the last thing a BS should do. Damn hindsight.

 

Are you no longer together?

I feel like these are the things I need to hear to make an educated decision about my situation. I want to only have to make up my mind one time. If I'm going to stay, then I'm going to stay all the way...but if I choose to go, then I'm gone for good. I'm just not sure what to do yet.

[BetrayedH]

Are you no longer together?

I feel like these are the things I need to hear to make an educated decision about my situation. I want to only have to make up my mind one time. If I'm going to stay, then I'm going to stay all the way...but if I choose to go, then I'm gone for good. I'm just not sure what to do yet.

 

We are not together. I caught her breaking NC, I had my own brief affair in a misguided attempt to balance things and get over the affair, and then I found evidence of some significant lies about the affair (which made me lose it entirely and she filed for D). It was what some would call a death of a thousand cuts.

[Spotme]

You should talk to your husband about how easy or hard it was for him to handle the ending that way, letting him know that it's ok to tell the truth even if it seems like that might hurt you more. My H ended things with a very short, abrupt phone call that rather shocked me in its brevity (she did know there'd been a Dday ahead of the call). It didn't mean he didn't care about hurting her. He was being slammed in the face with how much hurt he had already caused me and our daughter (he'd been in the "what they don't know won't hurt them" camp). Now he was faced with some very hard realizations about how he felt and what he really wanted in life and also the fact that not only could he no longer have it both ways, but he was going to have to further hurt someone he cared about to fix his own life and get happy again. So there was really an enormous amount of emotion behind this very terse phone call, but he, like many men, was brought up to shove all that down and just do it.

 

Many would not approve of what I allowed next, but it worked for us. He went to the other side of the world for a business trip a few days after dday. This left him alone, jet lagged, and miserable. As a result we spent about 5 hours a day talking. I came to understand that in addition to all the above, he was regrowing his conscience and felt like a sh*t for "abandoning" her - something he promised he wouldn't do when she told him about her terrible personal history (I told him he was an idiot for making that promise). I could tell he felt he owed her more of an explanation (maybe just trying to justify and therefore feel better?), so when she emailed him a week later telling him how miserable she was and asking for more explanation (sent to his work email which she knows I don't have access to), I encouraged him to write a closure letter. That didn't go so well, as he got mired down in trying to analyze everything that had happened from beginning to end. Instead, I had him call her. He got to explain more fully and gave her the chance to say anything she wanted to say. After that she did mostly leave him alone other than one attempted connection that didn't go as she had probably planned.

 

I also asked a few months later how easy it was to break the habit of texting her everyday or otherwise making contact. He said it was the hardest thing he'd ever done, but held on because he likened it to giving up smoking because he didn't want to die from lung cancer.

 

So to sum up, you might find that his surface attitudes mask much more complex emotions that he doesn't want you to see for fear of hurting you or scaring you away.

[Spotme]

MC, I don't understand your question. Are you asking how I could take him back given that he cared about her or given that he thought, said, and did some idiotic things? Or something else?

[Confused48]

I've only skimmed this thread but wtf? Sympathy for the devil? No! Prosecute the OW /OM.

[Gagirl]

If my husband cheated on me and then treated another person without me insisting that he do so, I would not know who this horrible person was. Either he hid his bad character from me all those years or grown into this horrible person. I would wonder if he would just toss me aside like trash if I ever became disabled or got a chronic illness. Would be scared to death to married to someone like that.

[Leigh 87]

The OW derserves sweet f*ck all, IF she KNEW that the man she was becoming involved with, in fact, had a partner or wife....

 

Sorry, but no one with integrity or who had a strong sense of character would ALLOW themselves to stay involved with a married man.

 

If you fall for someone - and find out they are taken - you LEAVE.

 

Simple as that.

 

The OP IS being too nice here. I am a nice person - I am very friendly and kind to others.

 

.....But when it comes to women who medle in other peoples relaitonships, I have no respect for them.

 

Any decent women would just find a man who is NOT taken.

 

Geez.

[Praying4Peace]

To the OP:

 

You are a very kind and insightful woman to post what you did.

 

I think it depends on the affair and what was said...so you'll get different opinions on this.

 

My H had a 3 week emotional affair and if he ever called her a name that was degrading to women I would scratch his eyes out. You've already shown you disrespect women (me) so why would I allow you to disrespect another that you were just making WEDDING plans with? Are you freaking kidding me?

 

Sometimes I get so mad- these MM's have it good. One quick visit on google will show you that marriage don't break up after affairs and even if its not said out loud you are left with a BW who feels insecure and not good enough. So now you have 2 women both fighting over you and trying to dog each other (hence the OW's who just think the BW is a monster...what??) all to get the man back. Makes me want to barf.

 

Sometimes I want to take the BW out to dinner and movie and laugh and regain our strength as women.

 

Disclaimer: This is ONLY in my case. There are definitely crazy, bunny boiler, psycho OWs out there and crazy, blinded by jealousy so my-husband-is-so-awesome-now types. Who knows. I just know that we women deserve a lot more self respect than I see on these boards.

[2sure]

My x was a serial cheater, so he didn't have long affair partners. He was constantly searching for new validation. If I became suspicious he would drop one and find another. So, there wasn't anyone he really owed a good bye too.

 

However. Having been OW prior to meeting him, I had sympathy for his OWomen. I felt bad that he lied to them, toyed with them. I was outraged that he, like many , had chosen women who were at vulnerable points in their lives. Single mothers hoping to meet a solid guy. Lower income women who were easily impressed with his spending. Lonely. Anyone vulnerable enough to believe his outrageous and easily proven wrong lies. Anyone willing to accept the very little he offered.

 

I contacted most of them myself to tell them the truth. And to tell them I was sorry this happened to them. And to tell them to now stay away.

 

He should not have preyed on them. But did he owe them closure? No, that's not the way it works. As I said, I felt bad for them. But if anything, I was owed an apology from every single one. Not because I was angry , but because they entered my life without my knowing. If he had a Long term OW that he loved, I'd feel the same.

[ladydesigner]

I'm not sure why I focus on her so much or why I care how she is feeling. Maybe it's because I'm so hurt by all of this. I feel like he is so selfish for being ok with the casualty. He hurt her and I seem to be more concerned with that. He said several times in those emails that he loved her. How can he end that over a 2 minute phone call? What kind of man can do that? How cold? Could he be that heartless? I almost wish he would say that he owed her a better explanation...at least then I would know that somewhere under all this crap he's still a descent man, one that's worth keeping around.

See now I got the opposite. My WH was more concerned about MOW's feelings than my own. She said a lot of disrespectful things to me that really hurt me. I still cannot forgive my WH for this part and he still does not understand it.

 

I do not feel any sympathy for the MOW in our case. She worked for my WH, knew he was married, met me and the kids. Sorry no sympathy here. Not for her or my WH I think they both suck.

[ComingInHot]

Ladydesigner wrote, " I do not feel any sympathy for the MOW in our case. She worked for my WH, knew he was married, met me and the kids. Sorry no sympathy here. Not for her or my WH I think they both suck."

 

I agree. But only because the exOW in my stitch was very unkind, VERY. It is because of her behavior After the A was over that changed my feelings about her. Sorry or not, she was cruel and continued showing herself to be a selfish person.

So, no sympathy there for either of them.

Forgiveness yes.

Sympathy no.

 

I also agree that the A gets what it gives. I think A's begin selfishly so it makes sense that when they end (whomever ends it) is often done so selfishly.

[egalew]

OP and 2Sure - Thank you for your posts. They are very enlightening.

 

I was the OW who was swiftly dumped, with little explanation, after a year long affair. The MM had aggressively pursued me and like many painted a very bleak picture of his marriage.

 

He was very involved in all aspects of my life, and my child's, and like your husband's 2Sure, made all kinds of promises that he would never abandon me or my child, always be there on some level, bla.....

 

I never reached out to him after he coldly dumped, nor will I. However, I often wish his wife would contact me. There are so many things I want to say. Also, I feel that he painted this image of a the screaming, dominate wife. Seeing, talking to her would humanize her. Also, unlike me, she has no social media.

 

The wife found thousands of e-mails / and texts. I suspect there were other women she found too.

 

He was constantly e-mailing and texting, so I too wondered how he could just up and stop and withdrawal from the affair. (They have no children.)

 

I believe chronic cheaters, like him, can silo their affairs. They are have NPP, so are always looking for the next best thing. And, I believe my ex, like a lot of men know that deep down the woman will yell, scream and threaten, but in end takes them back. No one benefits from the affair, except the man.