has anyone asked themself this?

[where to start]

Why do we feel like our WS doesn't owe the OW/OM a proper goodbye after d-day? Don't you look at your WS and think...what a cold hearted a** hole?

 

I know that you're going to say it's because she knew what she was doing by getting involved with someones husband and people like that deserve what they get. And as a BS, I know where you're coming from but this is the part of that scenario that I struggle with:

 

my husband did this

 

In my case, most of my times seems to be split between being completely heartbroken and being blind with fury. I still can't believe this is my life. I've read the emails...this IS happening to me. My new reality is that there 2 women in love with my husband...and HE had EVERYTHING to do with that.

 

When I ask him about how he left things with her he says he was short and firm. He told her I knew and that he was going to work on his marriage and that she shouldn't contact him again. He said she was upset and crying....but she understood, and he has not spoken to her since. (so he says)

 

I'm not sure why I focus on her so much or why I care how she is feeling. Maybe it's because I'm so hurt by all of this. I feel like he is so selfish for being ok with the casualty. He hurt her and I seem to be more concerned with that. He said several times in those emails that he loved her. How can he end that over a 2 minute phone call? What kind of man can do that? How cold? Could he be that heartless? I almost wish he would say that he owed her a better explanation...at least then I would know that somewhere under all this crap he's still a descent man, one that's worth keeping around.

[where to start]

Why do we feel like our WS doesn't owe the OW/OM a proper goodbye after d-day? Don't you look at your WS and think...what a cold hearted a** hole?

 

I know that you're going to say it's because she knew what she was doing by getting involved with someones husband and people like that deserve what they get. And as a BS, I know where you're coming from but this is the part of that scenario that I struggle with:

 

my husband did this

 

In my case, most of my times seems to be split between being completely heartbroken and being blind with fury. I still can't believe this is my life. I've read the emails...this IS happening to me. My new reality is that there 2 women in love with my husband...and HE had EVERYTHING to do with that.

 

When I ask him about how he left things with her he says he was short and firm. He told her I knew and that he was going to work on his marriage and that she shouldn't contact him again. He said she was upset and crying....but she understood, and he has not spoken to her since. (so he says)

 

I'm not sure why I focus on her so much or why I care how she is feeling. Maybe it's because I'm so hurt by all of this. I feel like he is so selfish for being ok with the casualty. He hurt her and I seem to be more concerned with that. He said several times in those emails that he loved her. How can he end that over a 2 minute phone call? What kind of man can do that? How cold? Could he be that heartless? I almost wish he would say that he owed her a better explanation...at least then I would know that somewhere under all this crap he's still a descent man, one that's worth keeping around.

 

I just re-read that an I sound so pathetic...why is it so important to me that you all agree with me that he's an a** hole?

[waterwoman]

How can he end that over a 2 minute phone call? What kind of man can do that? How cold? Could he be that heartless? I almost wish he would say that he owed her a better explanation...at least then I would know that somewhere under all this crap he's still a descent man, one that's worth keeping around.

 

What other explanation is needed? He's married, his w found out and he doesn't want to lose her. Simple. Further 'explanations' will just extend the pain.

[krazikat]

Why do we feel like our WS doesn't owe the OW/OM a proper goodbye after d-day? Don't you look at your WS and think...what a cold hearted a** hole?

 

I know that you're going to say it's because she knew what she was doing by getting involved with someones husband and people like that deserve what they get. And as a BS, I know where you're coming from but this is the part of that scenario that I struggle with:

 

my husband did this

 

In my case, most of my times seems to be split between being completely heartbroken and being blind with fury. I still can't believe this is my life. I've read the emails...this IS happening to me. My new reality is that there 2 women in love with my husband...and HE had EVERYTHING to do with that.

 

When I ask him about how he left things with her he says he was short and firm. He told her I knew and that he was going to work on his marriage and that she shouldn't contact him again. He said she was upset and crying....but she understood, and he has not spoken to her since. (so he says)

 

I'm not sure why I focus on her so much or why I care how she is feeling. Maybe it's because I'm so hurt by all of this. I feel like he is so selfish for being ok with the casualty. He hurt her and I seem to be more concerned with that. He said several times in those emails that he loved her. How can he end that over a 2 minute phone call? What kind of man can do that? How cold? Could he be that heartless? I almost wish he would say that he owed her a better explanation...at least then I would know that somewhere under all this crap he's still a descent man, one that's worth keeping around.

 

I will start off by saying this....I do feel very much sympathy for my h AP. She has suffered...but at the same time she actively pursued my husband relentlessly and even obsessively by her own admission. She knew he would not leave me. This is also her own admission. But she catered to him, bought him alcohol and drugs, gave him money, I could go on. My husband needs to focus on our marriage if it is going to work. And NC is my top requirement....period.

Do I think he was a selfish shyte...yes. Do I think he lied to her and string her along...yes. Do I feel sorry for her....yes.

However, she fully knew what she was doing. She helped him lie, bought and paid for affair phone, lied to me, lied to herself...

The A is over. She knew it would be over as soon as I found out. She got her closure when he confirmed he was staying with his family. She needs no more than that....she deserves no more than that.

She knows it is was it is. However, she would continue to relentlessly pursue him. After seat, after he said he was staying, she called him over and over, hundreds of times. She tested him how much she loved him, begging him to call her...over and over. She even sent texts saying they would never be over and she would wait for him as long as he needed. He gave me both phones, said he would have to disconnect both, because she would not stop.

 

So he!! No, it is NC period point blank, he gets the door. There is absolutely no benefit for any of us in this devastating scenario for him to talk to her anymore.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Why do we feel like our WS doesn't owe the OW/OM a proper goodbye after d-day? Don't you look at your WS and think...what a cold hearted a** hole?

 

I know that you're going to say it's because she knew what she was doing by getting involved with someones husband and people like that deserve what they get. And as a BS, I know where you're coming from but this is the part of that scenario that I struggle with:

 

my husband did this

 

In my case, most of my times seems to be split between being completely heartbroken and being blind with fury. I still can't believe this is my life. I've read the emails...this IS happening to me. My new reality is that there 2 women in love with my husband...and HE had EVERYTHING to do with that.

 

When I ask him about how he left things with her he says he was short and firm. He told her I knew and that he was going to work on his marriage and that she shouldn't contact him again. He said she was upset and crying....but she understood, and he has not spoken to her since. (so he says)

 

I'm not sure why I focus on her so much or why I care how she is feeling. Maybe it's because I'm so hurt by all of this. I feel like he is so selfish for being ok with the casualty. He hurt her and I seem to be more concerned with that. He said several times in those emails that he loved her. How can he end that over a 2 minute phone call? What kind of man can do that? How cold? Could he be that heartless? I almost wish he would say that he owed her a better explanation...at least then I would know that somewhere under all this crap he's still a descent man, one that's worth keeping around.

 

You are a woman with heart because as an xow I do deserve some answers (af least I feel like I do). I believed his lies too. And the bottom line is I fell in love with the same man as you (I'm speaking for all ow). So I can understand why you would be concerned.

 

I am not only the xow. I am also a bs because my husband had an affair after mine and so I go through all kinds of mental gymnastics because I always believed my husband to be a kind and loving man. But when I really questioned him about his affair (he had told her he loved her) basically he was convincing me that men will say what's needed to get a woman in bed. I said "you're not that kind of guy" and he said "you don't know who I am"

 

So maybe I don't know who he is - maybe he is that guy and if he is ( and yours is also) - this is really the guy I want to be with?

[krazikat]

Sorry for my random words...my phone is a poor mind reader and chopped up my post.

I also wanted to add that who has been clean and sober since dday, and he needs to stay that way and stay away from AP.

[where to start]

No, it is NC period point blank, he gets the door. There is absolutely no benefit for any of us in this devastating scenario for him to talk to her anymore.

 

I agree. I am in no way saying that I'd like to arrange a date for a little sit down between the two of them. At this point what's done is done. He has to live with these choices. I just see how some BS seem to HATE the OW and blame her for their husbands cheating. I can understand this to an extent, but we've all been in love and we've all made awful choices at one point or another.

[where to start]

You are a woman with heart because as an xow I do deserve some answers (af least I feel like I do). I believed his lies too. And the bottom line is I fell in love with the same man as you (I'm speaking for all ow). So I can understand why you would be concerned.

 

I am not only the xow. I am also a bs because my husband had an affair after mine and so I go through all kinds of mental gymnastics because I always believed my husband to be a kind and loving man. But when I really questioned him about his affair (he had told her he loved her) basically he was convincing me that men will say what's needed to get a woman in bed. I said "you're not that kind of guy" and he said "you don't know who I am"

 

So maybe I don't know who he is - maybe he is that guy and if he is ( and yours is also) - this is really the guy I want to be with?

 

Its not easy to be sympathetic. In fact, often I find myself twisting the sympathy that I feel until it somehow becomes helpful to me. I've even gone so far as to tell myself that it was ok that she loves him because who wants to be married to someone that no one else thinks is all that great. Strange, I know...but we each have to do what it takes to get through these situations.

 

I believe that she knew he was never going to leave his family. (whether that meant me, the kids, or me and the kids...verdict is still out on that one) I also believe that he loved her. If that's true, then i believe she deserved more then a 2 minute phone call. And who knows...maybe I'm being naive that that's all it was.

 

Good luck to you.

[krazikat]

I agree. I am in no way saying that I'd like to arrange a date for a little sit down between the two of them. At this point what's done is done. He has to live with these choices. I just see how some BS seem to HATE the OW and blame her for their husbands cheating. I can understand this to an extent, but we've all been in love and we've all made awful choices at one point or another.

 

It is hard to deal with the anger...so I can understand why some bs feel this way even if it is not right...in most cases. If the ow was a friend or family then I would probably need to keep far away or i would be at risk of hurting them...

 

I was very mad at my wh ow after she disrespected me by asking if i liked the taste of her, um, area...among other things...and at that point i was pissed at her for how she talked to me...had she been civil then the b in me would have stayed at bay...but i was not going to tolerate her insane disrespect.

[whichwayisup]

I just re-read that an I sound so pathetic...why is it so important to me that you all agree with me that he's an a** hole?

 

Maybe knowing if he had treated her better while ending it, shown her genuine basic respect, not been prickish to her, then you could feel a sense of "ok, I can understand why this woman fell in love with my husband, he is a good guy, big heart, loving and kind, yet he just made a real fricken dumbass choice by allowing himself to get close to another woman.." If that makes sense. but, being assholish about it, shows a different side of him, what he IS capable of, discarding a person like yesterday's news and retracting his own feelings. Maybe the feelings weren't deep, mostly based on in the heat of the moment and affair dynamic, so the glue wasn't that strong and that's a possible reason why he handled ending it and going full on NC with not a lot of difficulity. Not all MM and MW mope for weeks on end after an A ends, some can pick up and just continue on.

 

130am here, hope this reply makes sense when it's read! lol

[where to start]

I was very mad at my wh ow after she disrespected me by asking if i liked the taste of her, um, area...among other things...and at that point i was pissed at her for how she talked to me...had she been civil then the b in me would have stayed at bay...but i was not going to tolerate her insane disrespect.

 

I can't imagine. I would have lost my sh** on her. Luckily, my situation seems to be quite the opposite (at least so far). What I gather from the people who know her is she is actually quite lovely (though they are not aware of her involvement with my husband).

 

This whole situation just bites all around!

[where to start]

maybe knowing if he had treated her better while ending it, shown her genuine basic respect, not been prickish to her, then you could feel a sense of "ok, i can understand why this woman fell in love with my husband, he is a good guy, big heart, loving and kind, yet he just made a real fricken dumbass choice by allowing himself to get close to another woman.." if that makes sense. But, being assholish about it, shows a different side of him, what he is capable of, discarding a person like yesterday's news and retracting his own feelings. Maybe the feelings weren't deep, mostly based on in the heat of the moment and affair dynamic, so the glue wasn't that strong and that's a possible reason why he handled ending it and going full on nc with not a lot of difficulity. Not all mm and mw mope for weeks on end after an a ends, some can pick up and just continue on.

 

130am here, hope this reply makes sense when it's read! Lol

 

exactly!!!

[krazikat]

I can't imagine. I would have lost my sh** on her. Luckily, my situation seems to be quite the opposite (at least so far). What I gather from the people who know her is she is actually quite lovely (though they are not aware of her involvement with my husband).

 

This whole situation just bites all around!

 

Considering she was a stripper and uses drugs, she is a real classy act....completely opposite of me in those ways...and yeah, i lost my sh** and am so glad she wasnt standing in front of me or she may have gotten herself hurt...and I hate admitting that, I am not a violent person, but at that point I swear my head started spinning.

I have had a civil convo with her since, where she cried, apologized, etc. she was tore up about it all...and that is where my sympathy comes from...otherwise I think I would hate her after that first convo, but because of her, not the a...my h gets my wrath for that.

 

And yes! All around ugly situation...i hate cheating, it is messy, depressing, devastating....ugh

[underwater2010]

This is a little outside of my situation. There were no ILYs and it ended before I found out.

 

Yet....I really don't care what the OW/OM needs. They (in most cases) chose to be involved with someone that was already taken. They knew there was a good chance that their AP would stay with their spouse. And quite frankly the OM/OW rarely get a rats butt about the feeling of the BS.

 

But I agree that it seems cold. But what the heck should one expect when they take up with a married person.

[2sunny]

I just re-read that an I sound so pathetic...why is it so important to me that you all agree with me that he's an a** hole?

 

I'm left wondering why such an A hole as him is even remotely attractive for you to stay?

[SidLyon]

Why do we feel like our WS doesn't owe the OW/OM a proper goodbye after d-day? Don't you look at your WS and think...what a cold hearted a** hole?

 

I know that you're going to say it's because she knew what she was doing by getting involved with someones husband and people like that deserve what they get. And as a BS, I know where you're coming from but this is the part of that scenario that I struggle with:

 

my husband did this

 

 

In my case, most of my times seems to be split between being completely heartbroken and being blind with fury. I still can't believe this is my life. I've read the emails...this IS happening to me. My new reality is that there 2 women in love with my husband...and HE had EVERYTHING to do with that.

 

When I ask him about how he left things with her he says he was short and firm. He told her I knew and that he was going to work on his marriage and that she shouldn't contact him again. He said she was upset and crying....but she understood, and he has not spoken to her since. (so he says)

 

I'm not sure why I focus on her so much or why I care how she is feeling. Maybe it's because I'm so hurt by all of this. I feel like he is so selfish for being ok with the casualty. He hurt her and I seem to be more concerned with that. He said several times in those emails that he loved her. How can he end that over a 2 minute phone call? What kind of man can do that? How cold? Could he be that heartless? I almost wish he would say that he owed her a better explanation...at least then I would know that somewhere under all this crap he's still a descent man, one that's worth keeping around.

 

I'm curious about what you think would be a "proper goodbye" in such a situation?

 

My own opinion is that a brief goodbye with an explanation that there has been a d-day, is best. I don't approve of a MM simply going quiet on a OW after a d-day. An MM disappearing on the OW, with no word whatsoever, after d-day, is pretty despicable in my opinion.

 

I often think that many OW prefer the idea of an extended goodbye where the MM tells them it's really the OW he loves, with maybe some great "last time" sex thrown in. To me, if he's chosen to stay married, then this heaps even more disrespect on the BW, and doesn't seem to help an OW who may hang onto "hope".

[OpenBook]

I just re-read that an I sound so pathetic...why is it so important to me that you all agree with me that he's an a** hole?

 

Because humans are so much more complicated than one aspect. Sure he's an a**hole but I'll bet he also has a lot of other (more likeable) qualities. Just like you, me, and everybody else - we're all mutts, a mixed breed of good and bad.

 

And you don't sound pathetic at all. You sound like you have a big, big heart and have a remarkable capacity for compassion and the ability to see beyond yourself. That is no small feat, and I hope your H wakes up & smells the coffee to recognize and appreciate that. (If that's what you want.)

[Furious]

Why do we feel like our WS doesn't owe the OW/OM a proper goodbye after d-day? Don't you look at your WS and think...what a cold hearted a** hole?

 

I know that you're going to say it's because she knew what she was doing by getting involved with someones husband and people like that deserve what they get. And as a BS, I know where you're coming from but this is the part of that scenario that I struggle with:

 

my husband did this

In my case, most of my times seems to be split between being completely heartbroken and being blind with fury. I still can't believe this is my life. I've read the emails...this IS happening to me. My new reality is that there 2 women in love with my husband...and HE had EVERYTHING to do with that.

 

When I ask him about how he left things with her he says he was short and firm. He told her I knew and that he was going to work on his marriage and that she shouldn't contact him again. He said she was upset and crying....but she understood, and he has not spoken to her since. (so he says)

 

I'm not sure why I focus on her so much or why I care how she is feeling. Maybe it's because I'm so hurt by all of this. I feel like he is so selfish for being

ok with the casualty. He hurt her and I seem to be more concerned with that. He said several times in those emails that he loved her. How can he end that over a 2 minute phone call? What kind of man can do that? How cold? Could he be that heartless? I almost wish he would say that he owed her a better explanation...at least then I would know that somewhere under all this crap he's still a descent man, one that's worth keeping around.

 

 

 

I think you're looking at your husband's character, more so then just how he handled breaking off with the OW, and how he seems to handle conflict.

 

Was he always this way, hot then cold, passive agressive, conflict avoidant.

 

It seems you are looking at him, really looking at his character and how it has affected you and if you could continue be with someone like that.

[runningfar]

I just re-read that an I sound so pathetic...why is it so important to me that you all agree with me that he's an a** hole?

 

 

I don't think you sound in the least pathetic. You sound compassionate and strong. Compassion is a virtue. It is easy to feel sympathy for a friend. It is strength to show sympathy for a rival. You are not letting anyone walk over you, you are just recognizing pain all around. I think it's good to realize your husband caused that pain to all when choosing whether to forgive. It's important he realizes it, too.

[ComingInHot]

I believe the OW does get hurt and does feel pain. She believed his lies too. She believed that she could get what she wanted because MM Said so. I can understand the shock when she doesn't get what she wants or things don't go her way because MM led her to believe they would.

 

Does it make it alright then that she had sex w/MM? No.

Does she deserve a final meeting or friendly phone call to help her find closure? No.

Does she deserve Bothempathy And anger? Yes.

Did MM owe her anything? Only what she deserves. Just as MM deserve what they get from the BW.

 

To question how our Hs could do this (have an A), then treat anyone & everyone so callously during and after the A, is a wise question, as it may play a part in BW's decision to D or R*

I think you are Smart for asking*

[sweet_pea]

I almost find it funny (in a sad way), that some OW think they deserve kindness/decency in the situation and are owed comfort or an apology when they and the MM certainly did not extend it to the BS/children who are affected, hurt and destroyed in the situation. It just shows another reason why they are selfish.

[where to start]

But if the OW knew that her MM was married: she gets repayment for the lies, lack of understanding, pain, and isolation she helped dole, which means she doesn't get closure. You get treated by others the way you treat them, this is basic common sense. If they chose to ignore it they shouldn't be shocked when karma comes calling.

 

I understand where you are coming from with this.

 

I just feel like SHE didn't do anything to me directly, HE DID. So if basic common sense dictates that you get treated by others the way you treat them, then that would mean that I should never be forgiven for any future poor choices that I am yet to make? Then too, my choice to consider reconciliation with my husband also contradicts basic common sense as he deserves repayment for the lies and pain he helped dole?

 

I'm just asking this because the logic has to be the same. If she doesn't deserve to be forgiven then neither does he. Especially since he's the one who promised to be faithful as my husband. In my opinion, he was the greater offender. Logically I can't choose to continue to love him yet hate her.

 

I can choose to be angry and hurt and sad yet still forgive. Too many people believe in karma. Karma isn't going to take back the fact that he cheated.

[where to start]

I'm left wondering why such an A hole as him is even remotely attractive for you to stay?

 

I wonder the same thing....that is exactly what I am trying to figure out

[where to start]

Because humans are so much more complicated than one aspect. Sure he's an a**hole but I'll bet he also has a lot of other (more likeable) qualities. Just like you, me, and everybody else - we're all mutts, a mixed breed of good and bad.

 

And you don't sound pathetic at all. You sound like you have a big, big heart and have a remarkable capacity for compassion and the ability to see beyond yourself. That is no small feat, and I hope your H wakes up & smells the coffee to recognize and appreciate that. (If that's what you want.)

 

Thank you!

[where to start]

First off I understand that since I am on the flip side here my input may not be all that wanted. I understand that there may be some animosity and if my posting begins to take your thread off track I'm sorry and I will stop posting.

 

But I wanted to say that I think you must be an amazing woman as well as being a very smart one. The fact that you feel compassion for her and pain over what he's done to her is pretty amazing. Most OWs are hated by the BS in their situation, and honestly, rightly so. I'd have expected you to hate her, heck, I expect you to hate me. And yet you don't. There's not a lot of that, this morning it's left me kind of stunned actually.

 

There isn't a lot he could really do if he made the choice to work on his marriage to make it easier for her. He did owe her an explanation. (I know my saying that elsewhere sparked a thread, but decency calls for that when you've told someone you love them.) He did that. He can't be the one to comfort her while she copes with the loss of him in her life, because he's made the choice to be with you. A 2 minute phone call might be harsh, she might have had questions, she might have wanted more, she may have deserved a face to face breakup depending on what he invested in her over the course of the affair, the fact is... if he wanted to be with you, that could have been leaving doors open. Maybe he knows that if he'd given more she wouldn't have let go. Maybe he was afraid that if he gave more you wouldn't believe he was sincere. I don't know. I can't answer for her or for him. If you want to know why he didn't have a hard time, it might be a good question for him. I do hope she had a support network she could rely on but it can't be him if he really wants to be with you.

 

All that aside, I did want to say that I think you are brillant for asking yourself those questions, not for her, but because I think that they are important questions for you to ask for YOU.

Can you still love a man that can do that? Can you love someone who can shut their feelings off in that way. Do YOU deserve more. Not for her, but for you.

 

Yes, he was an ass. He hurt you, he hurt her. He probably has his "reasons" and his "excuses" but part of those reasons and excuses is that he was selfish and an ass. You recognize that and you are trying to work your way through it, so no... you aren't pathetic or weak for thinking about it.

It shows your strength. It shows your character and you should be damn proud of yourself for being who you are.

 

Thank you for that.

 

Reality is that this is now my life and how I choose to deal with it is absolutely going to effect my family forever. I feel like some people play the blame game because it's easier then asking themselves the hard questions, but I don't think that accomplishes much in the long run.

 

As for you, there is no animosity. I have learned a great deal from you, so thank you in return.