ExMM and SG wanting a date? Agh!

[AnotherRound]

I went out of state, buried my Grandfather - and have been back in state for about two weeks. While I was out of state, there were a lot of pictures taken due to having so much family in from other states, and we often don't see one another. Exbf SG is still friends with several of my family members on FB and saw some pics of me that were posted - and began to text me asking me to "get together and talk about things". I dunno - He is still pretty wrapped up in the drama of his life - so, I said for him to let me know when he wants to do this and I will see if I can - that bought me some time to really think about it - as it's been a whirlwhind at work since I got back after a week off.

 

ExMM contacted me not two days later and asked me on a date. He wants to take me out to dinner, talk, and reconnect. His divorce has been final for about 5 months now (ish) and he has been living separately for about 15 months (ish). I didn't know what to tell him either - so, bought time there too, hoping to have time to get my bearings.

 

What is it with guys? Do they get together and talk to each other and then all contact you at once? Seriously. I'm pretty emotionally exhausted right now between work and grieving and trying to keep my head above water in my own life with the sadness and such - and really not feeling I could give either of them a fair shake right now - which I did express to each.

 

SG has broken what we had by not being trustworthy - not following through etc. and exMM is still not in a great place imo (although he is still in counseling, and actually read some articles I sent him a while back to help him kind of figure out where he is and where he wants to go). So, neither seems like a really great option right now -

 

Thoughts? I'm thinking just being by myself has its benefits right now, and I'm pretty content alone bc I'm not lonely. I wouldn't mind having the benefits of some intimacy - emotional and physical - but know that with each of them, there are feelings involved and it won't be a "light" relationship either way. If I had to base it on history, exMM and I have 7 years of relationship and 10 years of knowing each other, SG and I just met last October and have been pretty much NC since early February maybe?

 

Like I said, I'm exhausted - and sometimes wish I was the girl that nobody was ever interested in - it would sure make life easier at times!

[2sunny]

I'm glad you're not lonely while on your own!

 

When I'm exhausted - the last thing I want is someone (anyone) needing my time and attention - much less my emotional attention/support.

 

I think to take time to gather yourself after a death in the family is best - just to feel grounded again.

 

IF they are that interested - they can wait!

 

And hopefully in the meantime - they take the time to offer you their healthiest selves as well.

 

Sorry for your loss... Take time to grieve and heal.

[Silly_Girl]

I agree with ^^^^

 

Take your time, look after you. Neither one is Mr Perfect right now so I think backing off for a while would be ideal.

[whichwayisup]

I think you should be alone with no guy for a while. You just lost a loved one, and now is the time to heal and just be with women friends, family and those who truly love and care about you. Bouncing back and forth between exSG and exMM, deciding who to date or not, sounds exhausting right now.

Look after you first for a while, then come summer, decide how you feel and if you're ready to date period.

 

SG has broken what we had by not being trustworthy - not following through etc.

 

? I thought he broke up with you because he couldn't compete with the fact you still were in love with your exMM and he was scared one day you'd choose exMM over him.

[Summer Breeze]

I'm with the others AR. I think you need to sit back and have some serious 'you' time. I am sorry for your loss as well. Take good care.

[Poppy fields]

I am sorry for your loss.

 

Wish I had some advice, but I am tired myself.

[Praying4Peace]

Hi Another Round- I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your loved one. I'm guessing its hard to deal with other emotionally heavy circumstances right now since you are already in such a sad state.

 

I've read all of your threads here on LS. You seem to have great insights into yourself and your feelings...but I don't understand something. Why don't you try and see if there is something with ex-MM? You say he's 'not in a great place'? Do you mean that he is greiving the loss of his marriage and you don't want to deal with that? It seems that since both of you are free it would be the things to do to give it a chance. Are you worried that if you do give it a chance out in the open there is 1) too much baggage from the A that would have to be discussed and the prospect of that is just uncomfortable given the length or 2) that it might not work out and you risk further heartache from this person who has already taken up so much of your life?

 

If I were you- I'd go out with ex-MM only and figure this out for once and for all. He may have changed for the better. He might have realized a thing or two. If you still feel like you care for or love him maybe you should give it a shot. One of two things can happen- you know 100% that you are over him and its not working and he is out of your life and heart forever OR it works out. Sounds like the closure that everyone is always hunting for is waiting for you.

 

P4P

[AnotherRound]

Hi Another Round- I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your loved one. I'm guessing its hard to deal with other emotionally heavy circumstances right now since you are already in such a sad state.

 

I've read all of your threads here on LS. You seem to have great insights into yourself and your feelings...but I don't understand something. Why don't you try and see if there is something with ex-MM? You say he's 'not in a great place'? Do you mean that he is greiving the loss of his marriage and you don't want to deal with that? It seems that since both of you are free it would be the things to do to give it a chance. Are you worried that if you do give it a chance out in the open there is 1) too much baggage from the A that would have to be discussed and the prospect of that is just uncomfortable given the length or 2) that it might not work out and you risk further heartache from this person who has already taken up so much of your life?

 

If I were you- I'd go out with ex-MM only and figure this out for once and for all. He may have changed for the better. He might have realized a thing or two. If you still feel like you care for or love him maybe you should give it a shot. One of two things can happen- you know 100% that you are over him and its not working and he is out of your life and heart forever OR it works out. Sounds like the closure that everyone is always hunting for is waiting for you.

 

P4P

 

To be honest, one of the reasons that I wasn't accepting exMM's offers for dates and such was simply that I did not want to hurt SG. I was not pining for exMM while with SG, and I felt like accepting an offer for a date with exMM would hurt SG (and yes, it would get back to him, small towns). So, I was trying to be considerate, and I really do feel "over" the whole exMM thing. However, I know that if we go there again, it wouldn't take long for me to be back "in" - if that makes sense?

 

For me, I guess it's about knowing that I can love someone and not be with them and that in time, that love will fade - it always does. So, I was honestly moving on - and I was okay with it. I was past the initial grief and was in a great place. So, reopening that relationship with exMM was a big step that I wasn't sure I wanted to take - for my own self and for exSG.

 

At this point, there have been some developments with exSG - as in, him not following through again (which was an issue before that I was overlooking bc he had so many great qualities) - and I (just yesterday) let him know that I am no longer interested in pursuing anything with him. I'm a little sad about it - but as usual, know that I will get beyond it and in time, it will fade, and it will be okay.

 

There were also other concerns with dating exMM - such as hurting his exW further, which he and I both want to avoid. It is obvious now that she is going to have some hurt if he and I date (although before she presented as if she didn't care, now, she is revealing things that show otherwise) and the concerns of his children. He and I are not wanting to make his children's adjustment to the divorce harder for them as they are doing so well with it all right now. And again, small town, and some of his children's friends live close to me and would see (and know) his car and we are afraid that they would say something to his children before he is ready to talk to them about dating other people than their mother.

 

I appreciate that you read my posts and get something from them, thank you for that. I also appreciate you saying that I have good insight - I like to think that I do, and I like to think that I try to consider everything (the big picture) and make good decisions (not that I always succeed, but I do try).

 

These can just be really complicated situations - as love sometimes is. And exMM and I are trying our best to consider all things before making any moves. We are on the same page, and have the same concerns - and that's a good thing. We have discussed these issues at length - and right now, are continuing to hold off on actual dates, although we are talking probably once a week or so. Now that SG is not a concern any longer, my plate is pretty clean regarding relationships - other than my concerns about exMMs exW and his children - and they deserve to be considered. We are also concerned that him dating me (instead of someone random) would possibly cause his exW to become hostile again and put the children in the middle (as she has a history of this) and we do not want that at all - so, are willing to sacrifice our chance if his children would be harmed - even though it's not really "fair" or mature - it is what it is.

 

So, in my longwinded way, I hope that answers the question for you. We are honestly just trying to prevent any further harm for anyone - and yet feel our way to possibly seeing if we can make a relationship outside of all of the complications. Right now we are only considering a dinner date - and that's it - nothing more, nothing less. In time, perhaps we will see if this is something we can do with confidence and without harm. Also, when I say exMM is not in a good place - he has come a LONG way, and he is healing from the loss of having his children full time, but it's a slow process. And I want to give him the proper time to grieve and heal and get to a place where he can offer himself again - and he is much closer, but not quite there yet, imo.

[AnotherRound]

I'm glad you're not lonely while on your own!

 

When I'm exhausted - the last thing I want is someone (anyone) needing my time and attention - much less my emotional attention/support.

 

I think to take time to gather yourself after a death in the family is best - just to feel grounded again.

 

IF they are that interested - they can wait!

 

And hopefully in the meantime - they take the time to offer you their healthiest selves as well.

 

Sorry for your loss... Take time to grieve and heal.

 

I agree... emotional exhaustion is, well, exhausting... lol. I am just really sad about losing my Gfthr, even though I knew it was coming. He was my father figure for most of my life, and raised me (more than my real father did ever) and he was a great man. So, I am doing some things for my own health, self soothing, and just wanting time to be alone and grieve and process and sort.

 

Not to mention, my job is crazy right now - so, I'm emotionally drained from it too. My clients are needing a LOT from me right now - so much more than I have to give, but I'm giving it anyway - so, yeah.

 

There have been some developments with exSG that have made this decision easier for me recently. He is off the table, bc I've taken him off the table due to some recent behaviors. ExMM is aware, and he and I have discussed it. We both just really don't want to do "this" until it's a good time for both of us.

 

So, right now, we are just talking every now and again, being supportive of one another, and leaving it at that. I'm okay with our friendship - as it was always the most important thing of our relationship to me (and to him) and we are keeping that going, and only that, for now.

 

Thank you for the kind words.

[AnotherRound]

I think you should be alone with no guy for a while. You just lost a loved one, and now is the time to heal and just be with women friends, family and those who truly love and care about you. Bouncing back and forth between exSG and exMM, deciding who to date or not, sounds exhausting right now.

Look after you first for a while, then come summer, decide how you feel and if you're ready to date period.

 

 

 

? I thought he broke up with you because he couldn't compete with the fact you still were in love with your exMM and he was scared one day you'd choose exMM over him.

 

He did. Well, that was part of his reason, or so he told me. I honestly never really got a clear "reason" from him, but recently have found out some new information that changes a lot of things regarding SG. I am no longer considering exSG at all, and he is aware of this. He has a lot of intentions, and very little follow through - so, I'm just not going to be able to be content with someone like that.

 

And yes, I am planning on staying alone for a bit. I have been asked out several times - there are a few guys who are always waiting around for me to be single, and when they heard, were just on me... ugh. I have told them I'm not interested, but it's like they think I'm going to change my mind or something. And the energy it takes to be nice and gently say no is wearing me out. But, I have held firm.

 

I just want some time to be alone - I have been alone a lot over the past 12 years since my divorce, and I crave it at times, especially when I'm exhausted. So, right now, I'm just kind of doing my thing. Getting caught up at work, getting my house and yard in order, doing some things for myself - and visiting with friends and loved ones (and babies! ) and enjoying the new season...

[AnotherRound]

Thank you all for the kind words. My Grandfather was such a gentle and good man, it's the world's loss with his passing, not to mention a great loss for me. He and my Grandmother (passed in 2000) raised my sister and I for many years, and they were more like parents to me than grandparents. I spent most of my life with them, and letting them go was not easy - and it hurts my heart, although I knew it would happen and was somewhat "ready" for it.

 

I have experienced a lot of loss in my life - both parents (both tragically and young), then all my grandparents including the two that raised me - and this compounded grief is a bear. I am taking some time, getting my bearings, focusing on work and self soothing and trusting that the universe will provide (as it always does) when I am ready.

 

I guess for me, at times it's hard to even give any emotional energy to anyone - and this seems one of those times. My father was just killed last November in a terrible accident, and then Gpa just 4 months later - and it is definitely taking a toll on my energy - physical and emotional.

 

Sad thing is, other people often don't recognize this, even when I point it out, and continue to pursue me and make things more difficult for me (SG especially). I am also learning through this that exMM and I definitely know each other - he is very understanding of me and who I am and what my Gfather meant to me and is being very gentle with me, and very understanding. I admit, I have missed that about him.

 

So, just handling my life right now - which is more than enough to keep me busy without adding relationships into the mix. SG is off the table, for my own reasons, and exMM is on the table - but on a back burner for now for several reasons, none of which are fear about he and I or fears about him - but external circumstances that we are trying to be considerate of.

 

So, today is a catch up day - so I gotta get some serious paper work and phone calls done. Thank you again for all of the kind words - my Gpa was one of a kind, strong and gentle and caring and sensitive and giving - yet, such a man's man... he was a good man, and my Gmother was lucky to have had him for 50 years. I was lucky to have had him for 37 years - and I am going to miss him tremendously. He was so caring with me - I was his favorite, and he never hesitated to show me that. We had a wonderfully loving and close relationship and he is my mold for what a man "should" be... burying him was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do - saying goodbye to him was devastating - but it is what it is, and I'm alive and well and here. I can't ask for more than that right now, so I am grateful and thankful.

 

Thanks again....

[Silly_Girl]

I know words don't help, not really, but I read your very moving post and think you're doing remarkably well. (((Hugs)))

[AnotherRound]

I know words don't help, not really, but I read your very moving post and think you're doing remarkably well. (((Hugs)))

 

Well, words help me... it's kind of my love language. So, thank you for that.

 

I always overestimate myself in these things, and think I'm going to do better than I do - then get frustrated with myself that I'm not doing as well as I "should" be or thought I would... but then I look at and see that I am doing okay, and really, that's good enough for now.

 

I'm a firm believer in that there is nothing to fear but fear itself, and I really fear no situation, not even death, bc I know I don't control it, and I practice radical acceptance of that. I also know that grieving is healthy, and that it takes time and resources, and willingly give it the time and resources it needs for it to progress and heal.

 

I appreciate your kind words, thank you again. In time, it will take its rightful place in the "past" and I will be functioning at 150% again - for now, I'm only functioning at 100% - which my supervisor at work told me is "perfectly acceptable"... lol. I guess a few people had sent in surveys about me with glowing responses about the work I do and I felt like I wasn't giving them as much as I should - so my supervisor has come to the conclusion that my "not best" is still "better than" most people's best... lol. Validating for sure - and I know I'm only able to do so bc of the things I have experienced, the losses, and for that, I find the good in the half full cup of my life.

[2sunny]

I remember you stating that you weren't dating xMM now because he had so much crap of his own to sift through - in order to be a healthy contender to consider dating. But you seemed to be clear on waiting until AFTER much time passed and his counseling being accomplished long term with solid evidence of changes for him.

 

Now you're saying you didn't dat xMM because you didn't want to hurt SG.

 

And if you told xMM that you didn't intend to date him for 6-12 months - why is he disrespecting you by continuing to ask you out? Especially when you are emotionally drained? That's just selfish of him to not consider your feelings more than his own.

 

Which is it?

[AnotherRound]

I remember you stating that you weren't dating xMM now because he had so much crap of his own to sift through - in order to be a healthy contender to consider dating. But you seemed to be clear on waiting until AFTER much time passed and his counseling being accomplished long term with solid evidence of changes for him.

 

Now you're saying you didn't dat xMM because you didn't want to hurt SG.

 

And if you told xMM that you didn't intend to date him for 6-12 months - why is he disrespecting you by continuing to ask you out? Especially when you are emotionally drained? That's just selfish of him to not consider your feelings more than his own.

 

Which is it?

 

I said that there were several reasons I wasn't dating exMM - one being not hurting SGs feelings and another being that exMM has a lot to sort out for himself. I didn't give exMM a timeline - I simply said that I wanted him to be in a better place - I have NO idea how long that will take (as he is already in a better place, but not "better" enough for me, yet).

 

And, exMM and I have continued to talk throughout all of this, sporadically. Our friendship has maintained, and the only time that I asked him not to contact me was when I was dating SG, which he didn't other than a couple of times due to wanting to express his condolences for the passing of my father. He isn't doggedly following me around, lol. We just - talk. You know how conversations go with someone you have loved - sometimes these convos go into "what if" or "what do you think about" or "I wonder what this would be like".

 

SG is off the table. ExMM is on the table IF certain things continue (ie him attending IC, developing more insight into his behaviors and thoughts, time passing without incidents re his exW, etc.). Then, exMM will remain on the table IF certain things continue and other certain things don't happen. I wish it were a simple thing, easily sorted -but it's a relationship, with a lot of history and complications, so, it's a bit messy. I have a plan in my head, and alternative plans depending on certain possible outcomes - but even I know that I can't plan for EVERYTHING that could possibly happen.

 

ExMM and I have spoken extensively about my current emotional state - and the loss of my Grandfather. Those conversations have been mostly me talking about my thoughts and feelings and him supporting me and validating me - being there for me emotionally. He is not being selfish, imo, by participating in the conversation when it veers off of that and into "us" land - which to me seems a very natural place for the conversation to go as we are both single people who have loved one another and only broke up bc of the previous situation (him being married) and not bc we fell out of love, hated each other, etc.

 

And although I'm not going to share right now the specifics of SG, I will say, the ONLY person who has been selfish towards me throughout this whole thing (since losing my father and my grandfather in the last four months) has been SG - not exMM. Hence, the reason I am no longer communicating with exSG, but am exMM.