Decorative Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Yes! We are all from the same hometown, went to the same church, he taught my sons Sunday school class, we vacationed together, hung out at each others houses, went to dinner together. Absolutely - if you read some of my others posts you will see that as well. The last memory my brother has of him was at our house for a party 5 days before the second d day (mind you his wife found out about us 4 months prior and didn't want us to tell anyone - not even my husband) and my XMM was in my husbands tv room with the remote acting as if it was. My brother thought it was quite bold of him. Yep - they knew each other well. Ahh. Then I agree. He owes your spouse an apology.
MissBee Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 I was reading another thread in the OW section and a part of a post by an OW caught my eye. Basically it stated that since the MM sought comfort/etc from the OW during the affair and she gave it to him, he owes it to her to comfort her come D-day. Do you all agree or disagree with this notion? That doesn't make sense. Unless a MM is planning to leave upon dday, I imagine if he is planning to stay or end the affair, that he is not going to be able to accomplish that while comforting the OW. I didn't see the original post so don't have the full context to know what was really being discussed, but it is unfortunate and hurtful, but makes sense that if the A is discovered and the MM is going to try to reconcile or pretend to, that he won't be able to stand by the OW and comfort her. I mean comfort how? If the relationship is ending and that's what she needs comfort for...I don't see how he will comfort her besides leaving to be with her. Even when a normal single man is breaking up with you, he cannot comfort you while also doing the breaking up, as his actions of breaking up with you are the cause of your distress, so how can he pat your back and say "there there" at the same time? That wouldn't comfort me, I would be annoyed personally. 4
lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 If your husband was a friend of his, then I would agree somewhat that he owes an apology to him as his friend for the betrayal of said friend as would be appropriate anytime a friend does another friend wrong....If a friend of mine effed my h i would expect an apology but at the same time, i am not sure I would want anything to do with that person anymore even for an apology. It could be a dangerous situation. As for your son, as a bs I wouldnt want the ap anywhere near my kids at all. Maybe your husband feels differently, but You are the one who needs to apologize to your son. You made the decision to cheat on your h and ultimately your family, you get clean up duty. This may sound cold, but you did this. Own it. He is not blameless but dragging it out for an apology session from him is not your right to demand....if your bs wants that, then it is his right, but not yours. And ya, its pretty sick that you had an affair with your kids sunday school teacher. He filled in as his Sunday school teacher one summer in between college semesters. He was also a worship leader (as was I). Sick? I suppose so. I never in my life expected to be in that position at all. I fell in love - my mistake. And yes I own my part in it fully. However he does not. Believe me the apologies have already been said on my end (this ended over 3 years ago). Xom is afraid to face my son and really my husband too. They had one conversation the day my husband found out (2nd dday) and during that conversation xom didn't apologize just told my husband he needed to stop controlling me (how funny is that). This is what I am finding out. Most XMM cannot face or apologize to the bs of their xow. However I did meet with his bs at her request. Whatever - we aren't going to agree on this. He should have apologized. My husband and kids deserved that.
krazikat Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 He filled in as his Sunday school teacher one summer in between college semesters. He was also a worship leader (as was I). Sick? I suppose so. I never in my life expected to be in that position at all. I fell in love - my mistake. And yes I own my part in it fully. However he does not. Believe me the apologies have already been said on my end (this ended over 3 years ago). Xom is afraid to face my son and really my husband too. They had one conversation the day my husband found out (2nd dday) and during that conversation xom didn't apologize just told my husband he needed to stop controlling me (how funny is that). This is what I am finding out. Most XMM cannot face or apologize to the bs of their xow. However I did meet with his bs at her request. Whatever - we aren't going to agree on this. He should have apologized. My husband and kids deserved that. How old is your son? This whole scenario just makes me shake my head...it is unfortunate and ultimately sad. I am not trying to attack you, and do agree that as a friend of bs if bs wants to get an apology then bs should get it...just like you talking to his bs at her request...does your bs want an apology from him? Does your son even want one, is he even old enough for it to be appropriate? I have a 17 yo and would not even give her the opportunity to talk to or be in same room as the ap because my daughter is so mad she might attack...and that would do no good for anyone.... 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 How old is your son? This whole scenario just makes me shake my head...it is unfortunate and ultimately sad. I am not trying to attack you, and do agree that as a friend of bs if bs wants to get an apology then bs should get it...just like you talking to his bs at her request...does your bs want an apology from him? Does your son even want one, is he even old enough for it to be appropriate? I have a 17 yo and would not even give her the opportunity to talk to or be in same room as the ap because my daughter is so mad she might attack...and that would do no good for anyone.... My son is 27, the middle daughter he met with (at her request) is 25 and my youngest daughter is 16. My son could (and probably would) beat the sh$$ out of him. it's just the right thing to do - that is all. Especially in our situation.
krazikat Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 My son is 27, the middle daughter he met with (at her request) is 25 and my youngest daughter is 16. My son could (and probably would) beat the sh$$ out of him. it's just the right thing to do - that is all. Especially in our situation. Ok, your kids are much older than I assumed...if they want an apology from him, since he was a family friend, then yes, they do have the right to request that from him. The fact that allof you were friends is so sad...do any of your children have any relationship or dating/trust issues that stem from this?
wanting more Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 I would've liked an apology from him. No, I don't think he owed me one but an ounce of compassion for the hurt. Even if after the lies to his BW. Just something acknowledging the hurt. 2
Author sweet_pea Posted April 14, 2013 Author Posted April 14, 2013 I would've liked an apology from him. No, I don't think he owed me one but an ounce of compassion for the hurt. Even if after the lies to his BW. Just something acknowledging the hurt. Would you extend an apology to his BS (if you haven't already)?
wanting more Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 I did. Which blew up in my face. But I did apologize to her and sincerely meant it. 4
Author sweet_pea Posted April 14, 2013 Author Posted April 14, 2013 I did. Which blew up in my face. But I did apologize to her and sincerely meant it. I think you doing that was something really big of you (in a good way), and I'm sorry that it blew up in your face. 4
BetrayedH Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 I did. Which blew up in my face. But I did apologize to her and sincerely meant it. She ^^^ really did go to great lengths to share the truth and to apologize. She even solicited help from a few of us to deliver the truth and apology in as sensitive but complete a way as possible. And it absolutely blew up in her face. Last I recall, I was suggesting she get a restraining order against them both, if that tells you anything. That situation made me respect that an OW takes an unknown and big risk by exposing to the BS. I still recommend it as I think it's the first step on a path to an honest and authentic life (and let's the BS make an informed decision) but it's not without a potential cost and seeing what WM suffered showed me that's it's a bigger sacrifice than I ever expected. WM, I tried to PM a while back to check in but couldn't get thru. Hope you are well. 2
wanting more Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 Thank you BH. Im doing ok. Life is up and down but my kids are great and involved in every sport imagined (which drives me crazier than normal sometimes but I do enjoy it). Still have lots of downs but such is life. Things have pretty much hit rock bottom so hey, up is the only way to go :-) Even with all my issues I Definately say tell and apologize. BUT I do wish sometimes I would've gotten an apology from him. It's not something I dwell on but it does cross my mind every now and then. I know most BSs say there's no room in R for an apology to the OW and I know my pain wasn't nearly what hers was after 30 years of M but it was still my pain, my hurt. I just wished I could've heard from his mouth that he'd decided to work on his M, that he realized he didn't want to lose his BW, and that he was sorry for my hurting, and his part in it. I know that may not make sense to a hurting or reconciled BS but I did love him at the time, I thought he loved me.
BetrayedH Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 Thank you BH. Im doing ok. Life is up and down but my kids are great and involved in every sport imagined (which drives me crazier than normal sometimes but I do enjoy it). Still have lots of downs but such is life. Things have pretty much hit rock bottom so hey, up is the only way to go :-) Even with all my issues I Definately say tell and apologize. BUT I do wish sometimes I would've gotten an apology from him. It's not something I dwell on but it does cross my mind every now and then. I know most BSs say there's no room in R for an apology to the OW and I know my pain wasn't nearly what hers was after 30 years of M but it was still my pain, my hurt. I just wished I could've heard from his mouth that he'd decided to work on his M, that he realized he didn't want to lose his BW, and that he was sorry for my hurting, and his part in it. I know that may not make sense to a hurting or reconciled BS but I did love him at the time, I thought he loved me. It actually makes sense to me, which is why I proactively told my wife to do what was necessary for closure. If she was going to end the affair, I wanted it to end properly (meaning, definitively). I was repaid with more betrayal. And I get that it's not something most BSs will embrace; they have every right to demand NC if the wayward wants to reconcile. It's really the wayward's choice. As usual, it's only the MM that wins and everyone can blame the BS as if she is keeping him captive in the basement. I certainly see the OP's dilemma. If he was such a good guy, he wouldn't dump the OW so unceremoniously. But at the same time, if he's choosing to restore the marriage and NC is required, what choice does he have? For some, it's their first step on the path to fixing what they've done. Perhaps some very honest and open communication between the OP and her husband about this is what's needed. I just know it's not easy to talk about the AP. But hell, after Dday, what is? As for you, I hope you'll update that old thread at some point. If I recall correctly, you got the BS to back off finally but the MM was still sending messages (or maybe I've got it backwards). Just hoping you got both of them to move on. You had enough on your plate already with BSO and kids. 2
BetrayedH Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 My thoughts.........I think mm should tell the ow that it's over. It doesn't have to be a lengthy, spill your guts sort of thing. Something simple that leaves no room for doubt and that the door is now shut. Not doing so, is more evidence of the conflict avoidance traits that got them into the affair to start with. Doing so at least gives both women back some dignity as it makes it clear to both women what the mm truly wants. It also makes it less likely that ow will illustrate bunny boiler behaviour and it should also be a comfort to the wife in that he is making a clear choice that it's her that he wants. Well said. 2
lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 Ok, your kids are much older than I assumed...if they want an apology from him, since he was a family friend, then yes, they do have the right to request that from him. The fact that allof you were friends is so sad...do any of your children have any relationship or dating/trust issues that stem from this? My son is married with a child and is established in his career and doing well. My middle daughter is in a committed relationship with a guy who treats her well and her career is going well and my youngest - well she is 16 - my son and youngest daughter are deeply hurt by how my XMM treated me (and how he allows his dad, mom, etc to treat me - yes I live in the same town they do). They really have no use for him but an apology would go a long way to help the healing. My middle daughter on the other hand has really seen all off our pain - she understands it all and she was the one who actually met with him and saw how much he loved me. Kids are all different. Fortunately they loved me very much - just saddened by it all. I think they just want us all to be over it and for the hatred to stop (its being fueled by very immature young man who calls himself a pastor). Honestly I believe if it had not been handled in the scandalous nature it was we could have all healed much faster. It's really a long saga. Maybe some time I will put it all in a thread instead of chopped up in bits and pieces so its better understood. Sometimes I think it could be a made for TV movie - such is my life -
wanting more Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 My thoughts.........I think mm should tell the ow that it's over. It doesn't have to be a lengthy, spill your guts sort of thing. Something simple that leaves no room for doubt and that the door is now shut. Not doing so, is more evidence of the conflict avoidance traits that got them into the affair to start with. Doing so at least gives both women back some dignity as it makes it clear to both women what the mm truly wants. It also makes it less likely that ow will illustrate bunny boiler behaviour and it should also be a comfort to the wife in that he is making a clear choice that it's her that he wants. I wish I could like this 10 times!!!
krazikat Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 My son is married with a child and is established in his career and doing well. My middle daughter is in a committed relationship with a guy who treats her well and her career is going well and my youngest - well she is 16 - my son and youngest daughter are deeply hurt by how my XMM treated me (and how he allows his dad, mom, etc to treat me - yes I live in the same town they do). They really have no use for him but an apology would go a long way to help the healing. My middle daughter on the other hand has really seen all off our pain - she understands it all and she was the one who actually met with him and saw how much he loved me. Kids are all different. Fortunately they loved me very much - just saddened by it all. I think they just want us all to be over it and for the hatred to stop (its being fueled by very immature young man who calls himself a pastor). Honestly I believe if it had not been handled in the scandalous nature it was we could have all healed much faster. It's really a long saga. Maybe some time I will put it all in a thread instead of chopped up in bits and pieces so its better understood. Sometimes I think it could be a made for TV movie - such is my life - Lol, i also think my life could be a made for tv movie...but one much different from yours. Ah, life and all its twists and turns.... Thank you for explaining it a bit more, and I am glad that your kids are all doing well, despite the sadness experienced from this situation. This shows that you did your job as a mama and helped them heal and helped them learn about the impact bad choices can have on those you care about. One of the things I love about LS is the opportunity to see other perspectives and experiences...and I honestly am sorry you and your family have experienced this pain. Before LS I was quite judgmental about those ow/om because I would never do that, couldnt do that because I know I deserve more than that. I would never want to cause the pain in another or put myself in, but reading these threads has helped me in understanding the real hurt ow/om experience...it is so sad all around. Oh and when religion gets involved, such as yours where church members end up having some scandal, there will always be those who throw the stones and deepen the wounds when imo those same people should be offering council and support to try and help the healing and get back in a better place.
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