tricolors Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 This is a woman I'm in early stages with (we've went out once, and we're going out again next week, and we used to talk in person frequently when we met at an activity, as explained in another thread.) We do a bit of e-mailing back and forth (maybe once every other day, typically, sometimes every day) and texting a few times a week. In the past month, she's said "sorry" to me about thirty times I think. The day before yesterday, she e-mails me and tells me her family members are fighting again, a fact she's told me three or four times. It really bothers her, she says she's stressed out by it, and she feels helpless sometimes, but she says it's not as bad as it sounds. So I reply back and relate some things about my family, and ask her questions about hers, and tell her I'm listening, that sort of thing (which I genuinely am, I forget no details, and I actually enjoy talking about this kind of thing.) She's finally starting to share some emotional / intimate details about her life. Then she e-mails me back the next day and says "I apologize for telling you about my family fighting, I shouldn't have talked about it. I was in a bad mood and I felt helpless. I'm sorry." The e-mail didn't stop there, she was happy in the rest of it and continued with some other stuff. Is she testing me here or something? I'm always so attentive to her stories. I reiterate points back to her, I make it known I remember things, I listen without trying to provide answers or solutions, and so on. I've never shown any hint that I don't want to listen to her, I've made it abundantly clear I want to hear her. I almost wonder if this is a carryover from her previous bad LTR (she's been single for 5 years.) It almost seems as if she wants me to tell her that her problems don't bother me. So I told her that. I told her in an e-mail (no response yet, but she always e-mails me back) that I actually appreciate listening to her problems, and I told her to stop saying sorry for telling them to me. I'm completely genuine in this, by the way, I'm not just saying it. I said, paraphrased, "I enjoy hearing your problems, talk about what you want, negative or positive, it doesn't burden me, I enjoy listening to you." Am I on the right track here, women? As always, I appreciate the feedback, negative or positive.
outsidethebox Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 I'll pipe in my opinion too. You're on right track but there's nothing wrong with her saying she's sorry, and she'll continue to say it. Partly due to habit, partly due to that's what expresses her feeling. It's normal that a person doesn't want to be complaining about embarrassing aspects of their personal life, but becoming close to you it's something she needs to talk about. She's just going to say she's sorry she's talking about because she is. Sorry she has to be talking about it. No problem. You're providing exactly what she needs. 1
todreaminblue Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 This is a woman I'm in early stages with (we've went out once, and we're going out again next week, and we used to talk in person frequently when we met at an activity, as explained in another thread.) We do a bit of e-mailing back and forth (maybe once every other day, typically, sometimes every day) and texting a few times a week. In the past month, she's said "sorry" to me about thirty times I think. The day before yesterday, she e-mails me and tells me her family members are fighting again, a fact she's told me three or four times. It really bothers her, she says she's stressed out by it, and she feels helpless sometimes, but she says it's not as bad as it sounds. So I reply back and relate some things about my family, and ask her questions about hers, and tell her I'm listening, that sort of thing (which I genuinely am, I forget no details, and I actually enjoy talking about this kind of thing.) She's finally starting to share some emotional / intimate details about her life. Then she e-mails me back the next day and says "I apologize for telling you about my family fighting, I shouldn't have talked about it. I was in a bad mood and I felt helpless. I'm sorry." The e-mail didn't stop there, she was happy in the rest of it and continued with some other stuff. Is she testing me here or something? I'm always so attentive to her stories. I reiterate points back to her, I make it known I remember things, I listen without trying to provide answers or solutions, and so on. I've never shown any hint that I don't want to listen to her, I've made it abundantly clear I want to hear her. I almost wonder if this is a carryover from her previous bad LTR (she's been single for 5 years.) It almost seems as if she wants me to tell her that her problems don't bother me. So I told her that. I told her in an e-mail (no response yet, but she always e-mails me back) that I actually appreciate listening to her problems, and I told her to stop saying sorry for telling them to me. I'm completely genuine in this, by the way, I'm not just saying it. I said, paraphrased, "I enjoy hearing your problems, talk about what you want, negative or positive, it doesn't burden me, I enjoy listening to you." Am I on the right track here, women? As always, I appreciate the feedback, negative or positive. Yes you are on the right track,I am oen of thsoe women, i apologize and always feel guilty when i burden people with my problems....i basically regret everything i say ....even when i am chirpy i feel people would find me annoying for being to happy or beign too chatty or nto ebign chatty enough..........so i basically over analyse everything i do say or speak....its tiring.......i regret posting this in about five point four minutes.......kidding...maybe not..... why am like this is i have been shot down a lot,i have been ignored a lot which is a form of bullying......so yes i get uncomfortable disclosing in irl...... for two reason...one i dont think people really want to hear what i have to say 2 because i dont want to make any one in my life uncomfortable....i often apologize after i have unburdened myself on someone....fell guilt....i need reconditioning....i know its my problem......not any one elses......and i have always been told to sort my own crap out from a young age...to buck up and be mature.....its conditioning.......for th emost part i sort my own problems out......i always apologize to y ex when i burden him.......he also tells me not to worry he wants me to tell him ad lately he has been really patient with me...i am always grateful when people listen to me......makes me feel not so alone....the rest of the time i pray god always listens to my fears.....now do i hit send....yep....deb 1
rocketman122 Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 This is a woman I'm in early stages with (we've went out once, and we're going out again next week, and we used to talk in person frequently when we met at an activity, as explained in another thread.) We do a bit of e-mailing back and forth (maybe once every other day, typically, sometimes every day) and texting a few times a week. In the past month, she's said "sorry" to me about thirty times I think. The day before yesterday, she e-mails me and tells me her family members are fighting again, a fact she's told me three or four times. It really bothers her, she says she's stressed out by it, and she feels helpless sometimes, but she says it's not as bad as it sounds. So I reply back and relate some things about my family, and ask her questions about hers, and tell her I'm listening, that sort of thing (which I genuinely am, I forget no details, and I actually enjoy talking about this kind of thing.) She's finally starting to share some emotional / intimate details about her life. Then she e-mails me back the next day and says "I apologize for telling you about my family fighting, I shouldn't have talked about it. I was in a bad mood and I felt helpless. I'm sorry." The e-mail didn't stop there, she was happy in the rest of it and continued with some other stuff. Is she testing me here or something? I'm always so attentive to her stories. I reiterate points back to her, I make it known I remember things, I listen without trying to provide answers or solutions, and so on. I've never shown any hint that I don't want to listen to her, I've made it abundantly clear I want to hear her. I almost wonder if this is a carryover from her previous bad LTR (she's been single for 5 years.) It almost seems as if she wants me to tell her that her problems don't bother me. So I told her that. I told her in an e-mail (no response yet, but she always e-mails me back) that I actually appreciate listening to her problems, and I told her to stop saying sorry for telling them to me. I'm completely genuine in this, by the way, I'm not just saying it. I said, paraphrased, "I enjoy hearing your problems, talk about what you want, negative or positive, it doesn't burden me, I enjoy listening to you." Am I on the right track here, women? As always, I appreciate the feedback, negative or positive. Arent you doing the same thing? posting your problems and looking for acceptance or reassurance?
Author tricolors Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 Arent you doing the same thing? posting your problems and looking for acceptance or reassurance? Well, I suppose I am, but that's sort of the point of the forum, isn't it? 1
Author tricolors Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 Yes you are on the right track,I am oen of thsoe women, i apologize and always feel guilty when i burden people with my problems....i basically regret everything i say ....even when i am chirpy i feel people would find me annoying for being to happy or beign too chatty or nto ebign chatty enough..........so i basically over analyse everything i do say or speak....its tiring.......i regret posting this in about five point four minutes.......kidding...maybe not..... why am like this is i have been shot down a lot,i have been ignored a lot which is a form of bullying......so yes i get uncomfortable disclosing in irl...... for two reason...one i dont think people really want to hear what i have to say 2 because i dont want to make any one in my life uncomfortable....i often apologize after i have unburdened myself on someone....fell guilt....i need reconditioning....i know its my problem......not any one elses......and i have always been told to sort my own crap out from a young age...to buck up and be mature.....its conditioning.......for th emost part i sort my own problems out......i always apologize to y ex when i burden him.......he also tells me not to worry he wants me to tell him ad lately he has been really patient with me...i am always grateful when people listen to me......makes me feel not so alone....the rest of the time i pray god always listens to my fears.....now do i hit send....yep....deb Well, I for one appreciate you taking the time to reply, and I appreciate hearing your story. I'm sure there have been many people in your life who enjoyed hearing your problems, you just might not have thought so. I also sometimes re-read e-mails I send, or think about things I've said, and re-word them in my head. It can be silly sometimes. You always want to do things better. I'll pipe in my opinion too. You're on right track but there's nothing wrong with her saying she's sorry, and she'll continue to say it. Partly due to habit, partly due to that's what expresses her feeling. It's normal that a person doesn't want to be complaining about embarrassing aspects of their personal life, but becoming close to you it's something she needs to talk about. She's just going to say she's sorry she's talking about because she is. Sorry she has to be talking about it. No problem. You're providing exactly what she needs. Thanks for your input. Maybe I shouldn't have told her to stop saying sorry. But, I worded it in such a way to make sure I was only being friendly and warm about it. 2
todreaminblue Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Well, I suppose I am, but that's sort of the point of the forum, isn't it? it most certainly is the point...hugs....deb
aeren944 Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Arent you doing the same thing? posting your problems and looking for acceptance or reassurance? Please stop being a troll... how does this help at all? Grr... sorry, just gets under my skin. And OP, I agree with everyone else. You're doing fine. She's just apologizing because she doesn't want to burden you. You did the right thing, asking her to stop, and reaffirming that you actually care about her and her problems. 1
Quiet Storm Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Many women are conditioned as little girls to apologize for negative feelings. Just as little boys are conditioned not to cry. Those patterns are hard to break. 1
Author tricolors Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 Wow...I never knew this was actually a thing until now. There are a ton of articles on the internet about women who apologize too much. https://www.google.com/search?q=women+who+apologize+too+much Interesting to know. I'm not sure I've ever come across this before in my life, in family, friends, or girlfriends.
Recommended Posts