NC without a D-Day?

[psm04]

Hi all, I've been reading several NC related posts on here, and it seems to me that most NC phases start after some sort of a d-day. I guess this is when the BS finds out. Are there any of you out there who has or is currently in the NC phase that did not involve a d-day or any other external factors? Meaning, you and/or your AP decided that it was the best thing to do due to both parties falling in love but not being able to be together? I'm really hoping that there are a few people out there who did that, and I would like to hear their experiences and how successful they were at NC. Also, were both of you married, or just one? Who initiated the NC?

 

I'm currently going through NC (initiated by me but it wasn't a shock to him. we had talked about it many times, but i was the one who finally sent that email) that turned into LC (contact initiated by him). It's not going well, especially for him. I finally told him that we could meet once to clear anything up. I know what you might be thinking but I am not going to jump back in it. My emotional health is so much better now, but I wanted to give us the opportunity to talk about anything that's in our minds. Mostly him, since I really don't have anything else to say to or ask him at this point.

 

Thanks.. I'm in a pretty crappy place right now. I wish he just stuck with the NC.

[psm04]

If you see him in person you go back to day one. All you have done for a month is waisted.

 

But, you need that because this is a drug for you.

 

No Pierre, I don't need the meeting. I have been good with the no contact. And I am not going to be jumping back into something by meeting with him. I am just wanting to provide full closure to this. I have already told him that I won't be meeting in private, and that this is only so anything that needs to be cleared up from his side can be. I don't even need or want to know if he still loves me. It doesn't matter since our situations are not changing.

 

I'm almost hoping that he decides to cancel it, or not bring it up. If he doesn't bring it up, I won't be asking him again whether he wants to meet.

[psm04]

Stop thinking of it as "NC" like it's something unique to this affair. Think of it as breaking up and treat it exactly the same way.

 

Well, you may not have to go NC in a break up. One of my best friends is an ex of mine. We're completely platonic, and can talk about anything without feeling jealous etc. But with xOMM, I can't stay friends with him because of my feelings, but at the same time, I wish that we could continue talking. But I know that NC is the best thing to do for us considering the situation. Just struggling with it here and there, that's all. I'm sure I'll be successful one of these days.

[zevahc]

Hi all, I've been reading several NC related posts on here, and it seems to me that most NC phases start after some sort of a d-day. I guess this is when the BS finds out. Are there any of you out there who has or is currently in the NC phase that did not involve a d-day or any other external factors? Meaning, you and/or your AP decided that it was the best thing to do due to both parties falling in love but not being able to be together? I'm really hoping that there are a few people out there who did that, and I would like to hear their experiences and how successful they were at NC. Also, were both of you married, or just one? Who initiated the NC?

 

I'm currently going through NC (initiated by me but it wasn't a shock to him. we had talked about it many times, but i was the one who finally sent that email) that turned into LC (contact initiated by him). It's not going well, especially for him. I finally told him that we could meet once to clear anything up. I know what you might be thinking but I am not going to jump back in it. My emotional health is so much better now, but I wanted to give us the opportunity to talk about anything that's in our minds. Mostly him, since I really don't have anything else to say to or ask him at this point.

 

Thanks.. I'm in a pretty crappy place right now. I wish he just stuck with the NC.

 

I did initiate a NC for a bit and it worked fine for awhile until we slipped back in...at this point there still hasn't been a D-day which is why I initiated the NC beforehand....though we slipped back in....however, it hasn't been near as deep. Past 2 years we openly expressed ourselves....since our NC period and slipping back in we are much more distant...guarded with what we say and frequency of communication...it's much different than it was....that being said, it's obviously not over. I still think a D-Day will come if we don't get our crap together. I'm struggling in 10 different ways (well, probably not, but my head is clouded and it's tough). I know wrong from right, and I just don't like doing things this way. But the heart and mind are often not on the same page.

 

Nonethelss, if you can stick to your guns....do it. Statistically, even if in my situation we end up getting out ok...with little damage to the BS, I know we are the very small minority...and i think you would be also. So...that tells us something.....

[chalkfarm]

Hi all, I've been reading several NC related posts on here, and it seems to me that most NC phases start after some sort of a d-day. I guess this is when the BS finds out. Are there any of you out there who has or is currently in the NC phase that did not involve a d-day or any other external factors? Meaning, you and/or your AP decided that it was the best thing to do due to both parties falling in love but not being able to be together? I'm really hoping that there are a few people out there who did that, and I would like to hear their experiences and how successful they were at NC. Also, were both of you married, or just one? Who initiated the NC?

 

I'm currently going through NC (initiated by me but it wasn't a shock to him. we had talked about it many times, but i was the one who finally sent that email) that turned into LC (contact initiated by him). It's not going well, especially for him. I finally told him that we could meet once to clear anything up. I know what you might be thinking but I am not going to jump back in it. My emotional health is so much better now, but I wanted to give us the opportunity to talk about anything that's in our minds. Mostly him, since I really don't have anything else to say to or ask him at this point.

 

Thanks.. I'm in a pretty crappy place right now. I wish he just stuck with the NC.

 

Hi,

 

I rarely read LS anymore and more rarely post but I can answer your questions.

 

Me unmarried, him married. Affair. He moves out. He moves back. Affair continues. He moves out for about 6 months. He tells me he's moving back and reconciling. I send him letter telling him no contact. This happened over a span of about 1.5 years. No discover day.

 

He "respects" my demand/request for NC but at the 4 month marker he calls. THANK GOD I missed the call! No message but my cell recorded his number.

 

One year to the day of his "I'm reconciling", I hear his motorcycle on my street. Could have been someone else but.... unlikely.

 

Haven't heard a peep in over 2.5 years - well, other than the motorcycle.

 

Admittedly, it wasn't really difficult for me to stay NC as I didn't make the contact between us during the affair. He made almost all of the calls and initiated all of the "alone time" between us. It must have been MUCH harder for him as the habit that needed breaking was on his end. My habit was (and still is somewhat) thinking of him. I don't/won't dwell on him but he is a constant in my life.

 

Interestingly, I spoke with a "biological psychologist" who studied and researched the brain. He said that the brain has a hard time "unlearning" something. So when we are trying to break a habit, we invariably fall back into the pattern/habit. We tend to go back and forth a bit until "extinction". It is natural and not a flaw or some kind of weakness to fall back into something even if you want to stop.

 

 

Fear not! You will both succeed! I wish you could not worry for him. That is very hard....

 

Good luck!

[whichwayisup]

Hi all, I've been reading several NC related posts on here, and it seems to me that most NC phases start after some sort of a d-day. I guess this is when the BS finds out. Are there any of you out there who has or is currently in the NC phase that did not involve a d-day or any other external factors? Meaning, you and/or your AP decided that it was the best thing to do due to both parties falling in love but not being able to be together? I'm really hoping that there are a few people out there who did that, and I would like to hear their experiences and how successful they were at NC. Also, were both of you married, or just one? Who initiated the NC?

 

I'm currently going through NC (initiated by me but it wasn't a shock to him. we had talked about it many times, but i was the one who finally sent that email) that turned into LC (contact initiated by him). It's not going well, especially for him. I finally told him that we could meet once to clear anything up. I know what you might be thinking but I am not going to jump back in it. My emotional health is so much better now, but I wanted to give us the opportunity to talk about anything that's in our minds. Mostly him, since I really don't have anything else to say to or ask him at this point.

 

Thanks.. I'm in a pretty crappy place right now. I wish he just stuck with the NC.

 

Then don't go see him. Do one last 'talk' on the phone and then that's it.

 

NC is your choice so you need to take measures to block him in every way. No more LC. Your A is over and for you each to grieve, and work through the pain of it ending, NC has to happen. It'll make the healing process easier for both of you. No contact = no new hurts.

[EmptyHeartGirl]

Hi all, I've been reading several NC related posts on here, and it seems to me that most NC phases start after some sort of a d-day. I guess this is when the BS finds out. Are there any of you out there who has or is currently in the NC phase that did not involve a d-day or any other external factors? Meaning, you and/or your AP decided that it was the best thing to do due to both parties falling in love but not being able to be together? I'm really hoping that there are a few people out there who did that, and I would like to hear their experiences and how successful they were at NC. Also, were both of you married, or just one? Who initiated the NC?

 

I'm currently going through NC (initiated by me but it wasn't a shock to him. we had talked about it many times, but i was the one who finally sent that email) that turned into LC (contact initiated by him). It's not going well, especially for him. I finally told him that we could meet once to clear anything up. I know what you might be thinking but I am not going to jump back in it. My emotional health is so much better now, but I wanted to give us the opportunity to talk about anything that's in our minds. Mostly him, since I really don't have anything else to say to or ask him at this point.

 

Thanks.. I'm in a pretty crappy place right now. I wish he just stuck with the NC.

 

Why are you allowing him to control you? You aren't responsible for him. If you say YOU want NC. Then remain NC. If he is having "trouble" his wife can help him get through it...remember her?

By repeatedly responding to him you are letting him know that the door is cracked (even though you will deny this, it is), if it was closed. The matter would be just that...CLOSED.

I know it's not easy, emotions are a strong thing, but you can;t deny what is going on here. The sooner you admit it, the sooner you can move on.

[missy268]

Hiya

 

I'm right there doing the NC thing too...It was his birthday yesterday, it was so hard to to contact him (I'm the single one, he says he's now single but hes running after his ex every 5 minutes, they were together when this first started between us)

 

Anyway, our fling started again , at a works christmas party...Do you know how much i am kicking myself for letting him back into my life again now, to hurt me again, to pick me up and put me down as he wishes. You know the worst bit, i had got in touch with an old school friend when he ditched me last year (he went awol for a few months) and me and him were hitting it off and considering dating, I lost that guy because of my ex AP and of course my own behaviour towards him

 

If i'd of stayed no contact - i wouldn't be sat here, miserable , going through the same old getting over him one last time.

 

What i am trying to say is, leave him be, you don't need to know if there is anything he would like to discuss, it won't benefit you and as soon as you hear his voice, see a message or see him in person, you will be back there....it's unhealthy and probably best to move on

 

It's so hard i appreciate that as i'm doing NC too - my decision, i decided to yesterday (so i'm on day one so really feeling it today) as he's really messing me around, i'm not putting up with that, and since christmas , since he's been back, my life is a mess...so i'm taking control...You take control, stay NC and i promise you won't regret it!

 

Takecare of YOU!

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Psm04 - I can only speak for myself, I won't ever tell anyone what they should or shouldn't do.

 

After the second and final d-day, we met for "closure" which was sort of sweet in a way, but we still had a secret email account that we could check from time to time - he was trying his hardest not to check it very often. After having such close and intimate daily conversations for so long I'm sure it was hard on him too, but I struggled and I would send emails knowing he probably wasn't looking at them every day because it felt good to "converse" with him even though it was one sided.

 

Then he eventually confessed to his wife about the secret email account, wrote me a sort of nc email (although it didn't have any of the normal standard "don't ever call me again" in it - just "it's time for healing to begin...). He later told me she was standing there while he wrote it and I believe that.

 

Then there was another big blowup, we talked again, and ended up meeting to bury a box for the baby I had lost (which was his). His wife knew we were meeting and allowed it, whatever. Although that was some nice closure in a away, it was really not a pleasant ending. It was actually pretty horrible because deep down I think I really wanted him to see me and decide he had made a mistake to stay with his wife and want ME. That did not happen. It was bad and I really embarrassed myself that day. I was pitiful.

 

Now looking back, I wish I had been the one to initiate the no contact - that I had been stronger and smarter and went out with the upper hand as being the one to truly walk away. My sister kept telling me to do that but I just wasn't strong enough. I missed him so much.

 

Anyway - you are doing the right thing, I believe. I think that for your protection you should maintain nc until (or if) he makes a decision to leave his current relationship. Let him come to you (if in fact wants to be with you).

 

Now three years down the road I see all of my mistakes and look at myself as being pathetic then. I think now I could run into him and make small talk and move on - but it has taken me a long time to get there.

 

My advice would be to not meet him - but that's just me looking back and wishing I had had the strength you seem to have right now.

[lynn1954]

psm04:

 

I'm single, he's married.

 

We did not have a D-DAY, because his wife never knew about the affair, and there was no other single incident that led to the NC.

 

Instead, I tried several times to break up with him via NC or LC, but he always contacted me and I always gave in.

 

Finally, I made a decision that the breakup would be permanent.

[So happy together]

Stop thinking of it as "NC" like it's something unique to this affair. Think of it as breaking up and treat it exactly the same way.

 

This is exactly how I feel about it. For me, my relationship with my boyfriend was no different from any other relationship I'd been in. I never did go LC or NC. I think I tried once to go NC and it lasted six hours.

 

I opine that NC can be used to control your partner and I don't think that is okay. For me, it just feels manipulative. If you're going to break up, then just do it. If I broke up with a single guy, I wouldn't be going to lunch or having meetings for closure. I think it should be the same as any other relationship.

[troubadour]

psm04, are you planning on telling your husband about your affair?

[psm04]

Why are you allowing him to control you? You aren't responsible for him. If you say YOU want NC. Then remain NC. If he is having "trouble" his wife can help him get through it...remember her?

By repeatedly responding to him you are letting him know that the door is cracked (even though you will deny this, it is), if it was closed. The matter would be just that...CLOSED.

I know it's not easy, emotions are a strong thing, but you can;t deny what is going on here. The sooner you admit it, the sooner you can move on.

 

I don't think he's intentionally controlling me. I do get what you are saying though. I was the one who sent that final email out about not being able to continue with things the way they are, but then I was the one who just asked him whether he would like to meet to talk about things. Like another poster said, I wish I didn't worry about him and his feelings. Sometimes, I feel angry towards him because it seems that he is not thinking about the way I'm feeling. Maybe he can handle his real life and me at the same time, but I can't do that.

[psm04]

If i'd of stayed no contact - i wouldn't be sat here, miserable , going through the same old getting over him one last time.

 

That's what I'm worried about as well. I've been doing ok with this NC. Actually, more ok than I thought. I guess this A was doing more harm to me than good, otherwise, I would have felt worse. You're right, I don't think I want to go through another cycle of feeling miserable etc.. It might not happen, but I don't even want to take the chance

[psm04]

Psm04 - I can only speak for myself, I won't ever tell anyone what they should or shouldn't do.

 

After the second and final d-day, we met for "closure" which was sort of sweet in a way, but we still had a secret email account that we could check from time to time - he was trying his hardest not to check it very often. After having such close and intimate daily conversations for so long I'm sure it was hard on him too, but I struggled and I would send emails knowing he probably wasn't looking at them every day because it felt good to "converse" with him even though it was one sided.

 

Then he eventually confessed to his wife about the secret email account, wrote me a sort of nc email (although it didn't have any of the normal standard "don't ever call me again" in it - just "it's time for healing to begin...). He later told me she was standing there while he wrote it and I believe that.

 

Then there was another big blowup, we talked again, and ended up meeting to bury a box for the baby I had lost (which was his). His wife knew we were meeting and allowed it, whatever. Although that was some nice closure in a away, it was really not a pleasant ending. It was actually pretty horrible because deep down I think I really wanted him to see me and decide he had made a mistake to stay with his wife and want ME. That did not happen. It was bad and I really embarrassed myself that day. I was pitiful.

 

Now looking back, I wish I had been the one to initiate the no contact - that I had been stronger and smarter and went out with the upper hand as being the one to truly walk away. My sister kept telling me to do that but I just wasn't strong enough. I missed him so much.

 

Anyway - you are doing the right thing, I believe. I think that for your protection you should maintain nc until (or if) he makes a decision to leave his current relationship. Let him come to you (if in fact wants to be with you).

 

Now three years down the road I see all of my mistakes and look at myself as being pathetic then. I think now I could run into him and make small talk and move on - but it has taken me a long time to get there.

 

My advice would be to not meet him - but that's just me looking back and wishing I had had the strength you seem to have right now.

 

I'm so sorry to hear about the baby. That is just terrible.

 

I'm glad that you are at the point where you could make small talk with him and not move on. I hope that one day, I can get there.

[psm04]

I opine that NC can be used to control your partner and I don't think that is okay. For me, it just feels manipulative. If you're going to break up, then just do it. If I broke up with a single guy, I wouldn't be going to lunch or having meetings for closure. I think it should be the same as any other relationship.

 

I never thought of NC being used as a manipulative tool. At least in my case, it isn't used to manipulate anyone. And as far as closure, most people who have had affairs can probably agree that it is not the same as closure in a regular relationship. I think it is easier to get it in the latter situation than in the former. Most affairs end because they have to end, and not because something wasn't working out between the two people. That's the case with me anyway. If we were both single, we would have been together. No point in saying that now since we are not. We just met at the wrong time.

[psm04]

psm04, are you planning on telling your husband about your affair?

 

Hi, I've told my husband about the A (not in graphic detail, but he knows that workplace boundaries were closed and that there were feelings). I've been really trying to do the right thing; I guess I just slipped and made a rash decision to ask him whether he wanted to meet. This is such a mess

[veryhappy]

You haven't reached the anger phase enough to end the cycle of worring about him and wanting to help him. It's hard to do that when you care for somebody, but it's a trap as he likely doesn't truly care for you or he'd leave you alone. He chooses his wife so she's the right person to help him with whatever.

 

My advice is that whatever you, do it for you and you only. If it helps you move on, go. If it doesn't, don't. I have given him one extra meeting, only to realize he was buzzed and hoping for sex, while I was going through something oh so dramatic and life changing. He didn't believe for one second it was really the last time he'd see me, and could sense he was hurring home to his W to discuss their MC and avoiding the divorce, while trying to convince me that he was following through with the D.

 

I fall under the criteria you were looking for. Both married. I initiated NC as I wanted a R and couldn't handle the A anymore. It took 3 months until our last face to face, so there can be a little bit of back and forth especially if they bs even more to keep you around.

 

I've been meaning to post an update, but you can read my story and see that it's normal to feel horrible. He's also a good example of the bs they say. Regarding yours complaining NC is hard on him, exMM had the nerve to write back he didn't have closure. *He* didn't have closure! And was looking for me to offer it, after he stabbed me in the back and left me for dead, to go and all of a sudden be romantic to her and emotionally there for her. I can't put in words what I felt at the time, but I can tell you time helps. Time ... and the pain becomes dull. Few things hurt forever and when you'll see things with more perspective, it will be easier.

 

It's been 7 moths since I last saw him, and I wouldn't go back to the A. I'm simply not the kind of person who can be second, and I did it because I liked him so much. However, it would be different and I just can't put up with being humiliated like that. The key to moving on is knowing that you really want and need it for your own good. It hurts like crazy, but it does get better. All I want now is to not care about him, and we each can live our lives without thinking of the other. Becoming strangers again is basically my best scenario.

 

Good luck.

Edited April 14, 2013 by cutedragon

[psm04]

I just wanted to say thanks to all who responded, and provide an update. I ended up letting him know that I couldn't meet with him. I know that it's not healthy for me. I'm trying to move forward, and meeting/talking to him will only take me back. It's not like anything is changing, and I'm just not interested in having an A anymore. I'm shuddering just thinking about the emotional highs and lows that I have experienced over the last couple of years.

 

I've surprised myself with what I've done. I'm surprised, and glad, that I found the strength to tell him what I want, instead of trying to do what I think he wants

[psm04]

SO who cares? Please give up the external validation!

 

Apparently you didn't read the latest entry on this post.

 

Anyway, no one has to care. I didn't think that people had to care for others to post on this forum. I was just putting what I was feeling at the time out there.

[lynn1954]

I just wanted to say thanks to all who responded, and provide an update. I ended up letting him know that I couldn't meet with him. I know that it's not healthy for me. I'm trying to move forward, and meeting/talking to him will only take me back. It's not like anything is changing, and I'm just not interested in having an A anymore. I'm shuddering just thinking about the emotional highs and lows that I have experienced over the last couple of years.

 

I've surprised myself with what I've done. I'm surprised, and glad, that I found the strength to tell him what I want, instead of trying to do what I think he wants

 

Oh, psm04, big hugs and congratulations on your decision to not meet, and the excellent result of how good you feel about making that decision!!

 

You should feel good about yourself, and I know you'll go on to make many more good choices for yourself.

 

Really, I'm so happy for you!

[psm04]

Thank you lynn, I appreciate your comments :-)