Lostinlife4now Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Oh so not true. There is always hope for feeling better. You may not feel it now but you will feel better one day. Believe in that because it's true hugz Oh adelia....It has been 18 years since my son's death. And there is not 1 day that goes by that I don't cry. So no...if it hasn't happened in 18 years, it never will. And I am ok with that. And yes, I have had therapy out the wazoo, been on meds, but when in reality, it sucks. Nothing really helps, at least I know this much to be true!
snowfun Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 I was unhappy before the A started but I don't think that's the reason it happened. I hadn't really appreciated how unhappy I was until I was shown how happy I could be. My life had ground to a halt and I'd stagnated for 3 years. I didn't know what I wanted or where I was going. She invigorated and motivated me and I've made such big, positive steps forward since then. I probably accomplished more in those 2 and a bit years than I had done in the previous 5! I've worked my way to a much better place but now I think I'm probably unhappier than I have ever been. It's hard to tell; this feeling is my normality and I find it hard to imagine things any other way. It's not just the loss of this person but our relationship shone a light on areas of my life I had been avoiding. Struggling to battle those issues on my own. I understand what Pierre says about not relying on others to make you happy, and to an extent I don't, I'm quite content with myself and my own company, but life is definitely more colourful when you love and are loved. 2
adelia Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Oh adelia....It has been 18 years since my son's death. And there is not 1 day that goes by that I don't cry. So no...if it hasn't happened in 18 years, it never will. And I am ok with that. And yes, I have had therapy out the wazoo, been on meds, but when in reality, it sucks. Nothing really helps, at least I know this much to be true! If you ever need a friend I'm just a pm away hugz 1
secretlady76 Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 I remember thinking that if the A ended my marriage would be over as in my mind the A made the marriage bearable. I didn't realise how miserable I was until I started the friendship with MM. Now it is over and NC is in full flow I feel so miserable, I am back in the marriage that was making me miserable and what I was escaping from. I have to face it and work on it. I miss AP so much...it's like grieving for a person who has died, but it's worse because you know they are alive.....and whilst they are alive there is some possibility that contact may be made.....excruciating. 2
thefooloftheyear Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 I remember thinking that if the A ended my marriage would be over as in my mind the A made the marriage bearable. I didn't realise how miserable I was until I started the friendship with MM. Now it is over and NC is in full flow I feel so miserable, I am back in the marriage that was making me miserable and what I was escaping from. I have to face it and work on it. I miss AP so much...it's like grieving for a person who has died, but it's worse because you know they are alive.....and whilst they are alive there is some possibility that contact may be made.....excruciating. I am in the exact same position, SL...Its excrutiating....Thats a good way to describe it...I hope for yours(and mine) sake we'll figure this out...It sucks, frankly and that is putting it mildly.... I wish you all the best. TFOY 1
secretlady76 Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Why do you have to stay in the marriage just because your affair ended? Especially if you know it was making you miserable enough to have the affair? The £100 million question. Because I helped make it miserable and now made it even more miserable because I have hurt my spouse through my actions. Before I throw in the towel I have to work at my marriage WITH my husband and we are doing that. It's just so difficult whilst I am grieving for MM. I put myself in this situation and it is down to me to get myself out of it. I don't regret my affair or the moments of true happines I felt with him, but that was at a price and that price is the misery I feel now (and the misery my spouse feels now too.).
secretlady76 Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 I am in the exact same position, SL...Its excrutiating....Thats a good way to describe it...I hope for yours(and mine) sake we'll figure this out...It sucks, frankly and that is putting it mildly.... I wish you all the best. TFOY You too. If you come up with any 'light-bulb' moments please do let me know. It's all so wash/rinse/repeat every day with regards to emotions. Stay strong TFOY
thefooloftheyear Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 (edited) You too. If you come up with any 'light-bulb' moments please do let me know. It's all so wash/rinse/repeat every day with regards to emotions. Stay strong TFOY Thanks. I most certainly will..... The part I am most concerned about is that it seems like some of these recent events have caused me to "morph" into someone that is entirely different from the previous "me". I hope and pray that this is not the case, in the long term...I dont particularly care for the new "me":(...And the crazy part is that I always thought of myself as a true "rock"...I have survived a brutal childhood and built and molded myself into a high level, successful person of which I am very proud. This has just buried me...Doc keeps saying meds, but I tried and cant take the sides...No can do... Has anyone else felt this "loss of self" condition? Did you eventually return to the "old" you? TFOY Edited April 13, 2013 by thefooloftheyear
Decorative Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 No, LOGIC tells me that if she's unhappy, and she cheated on her spouse to make her marriage bearable enough to live in, then she's not doing herself OR her husband any favors. I'm not saying she shoudln't work on her issues... but why would you waste your life with someone you don't want to be with? Why would you waste someone ELSE's life when you don't want to be with them? Except that is not always, or even usually, the reason why they cheat. That's why affair are unfair to everyone involved. They don't solve the wayward spouse's issue. They present a false hope/reasoning to the OW, and the betrayed spouse gets harmed. Watch people's actions. Not their words. People leave bad marriages every single day, everywhere in the world. Cheating helps nothing. And cannot be straightlined as curative. Cheating usually has very little, if anything to do with the marriage. And with close introspection- if the marriage does have trouble, when it's all sussed out, it's likely to be the cheater who was causing any issues in the marriage. Not the betrayed. 2
Lostinlife4now Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Thanks. I most certainly will..... The part I am most concerned about is that it seems like some of these recent events have caused me to "morph" into someone that is entirely different from the previous "me". I hope and pray that this is not the case, in the long term...I dont particularly care for the new "me":(...And the crazy part is that I always thought of myself as a true "rock"...I have survived a brutal childhood and built and molded myself into a high level, successful person of which I am very proud. This has just buried me...Doc keeps saying meds, but I tried and cant take the sides...No can do... Has anyone else felt this "loss of self" condition? Did you eventually return to the "old" you? TFOY Ya know TFOY....I think each day, each new experience, whether good or bad changes who we are to some level. And you can always make a New You! Sometimes starting over ain't so bad! Loss of Self.....Most definitely! Like right now..you have no idea. I am trying to return to the old me but it ain't happening too quick. Hang in there.. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Ya know TFOY....I think each day, each new experience, whether good or bad changes who we are to some level. And you can always make a New You! Sometimes starting over ain't so bad! Loss of Self.....Most definitely! Like right now..you have no idea. I am trying to return to the old me but it ain't happening too quick. Hang in there.. I completely understand...Like I said previously, I dealt with great hardships early on in my life, but always used my resolve and determination to see through it and came through a better and more experienced individual.. This thing, though...UGH....I just cannot compare it to anything ever in my lifetime and its a serious issue... I need to find the keys to cracking this soon.. You hang in there, as well. Frankly my issues pale in comparison to yours so I can only imagine the hardship and pain. TFOY
Lostinlife4now Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 I completely understand...Like I said previously, I dealt with great hardships early on in my life, but always used my resolve and determination to see through it and came through a better and more experienced individual.. This thing, though...UGH....I just cannot compare it to anything ever in my lifetime and its a serious issue... I need to find the keys to cracking this soon.. You hang in there, as well. Frankly my issues pale in comparison to yours so I can only imagine the hardship and pain. TFOY RESOLVE AND DETERMINATION! Sometimes you get tired. I get that! But life is speeding along. And MY A$$ is going to be hanging on the side of the bldg. soon if I don't get my arse in gear. I mean big time! My only advice is keep putting one foot in front of the other, it just keeps you moving in what direction...who knows? But at least you are moving. Everyone's problems and issues are important! I guess God gives you what you can handle. People have always told me I am a survivor, but some days, don't really feel like it. Keep posting! There are alot of GREAT people on this site! Intelligent people, kind people. 1
Decorative Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Unlike some others I listen to what people say, I can't watch their actions, they're on a message board. I assume that they know what they are talking about when referring to their own situations and I don't presume I know more about their lives than they do. I provided feedback based on what was said. Now, interesting question, so if I advocate for the OW, I'm wrong and hurting the BS, but when I suggest that hte BS might be being harmed by the affair and that perhaps the BS deserves more than that I'm also wrong. Is it just fun for you to argue with me or what? If everything I say is so offensive perhaps you should put me on ignore. This is a public forum. Not everyone is going to agree with what you write. I am not disagreeing with you for sport. I am expressing my thoughts on a public forum, same as you. 1
secretlady76 Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 So are you staying out of guilt? If you know you are miserable and you are pining for someone else and you were miserable before, then honestly, don't you owe it to you and to your husband to throw in the towel and stop torturing yourself (and him too?) It is not that black and white and not that simple. What I felt for MM I felt at the beginning with my spouse. Love changes to something different and something more solid, but yes not so exciting. The exciting bit at the beginning of ANY relationship is what affairs are all about...it is addictive, because it never guets past that stage. I know full well that I am yearning for this feeling, which I know will not last if I divorce my husband and run off into the sunset with MM.....eventually it will become as 'routine' as the situation I already have. I am not staying out of guilt. I can easily stand up and say "Sorry, I am not doing this anymore". But I don't give up. I am a fighter and until I and my spouse have tried EVERYTHING, neither of us are prepared to walk away. The process of NC with the AP is hard yes, but it the first of many steps towards a much more fulfilling life. With or without my spouse, I don't yet know. That is what I and my spouse are working on right now through hard work, MC, IC, meds, family time together, couple time together, you name it we are trying it.
Decorative Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Here's another thought. If a person starts hitting someone else, physically abusing them, is it okay to say " well, clearly, he/she was hitting the other person because it made the marriage bearable"? Because the psychological trauma of an affair- to the betrayed spouse, and in some cases, the affair partner, can be emotionally abusive. Is it okay then to blame a "bad" marriage? Or can we look at it and realize that it's the just the same issue. The wayward has an internal problem and poor coping skills? 1
secretlady76 Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 I completely understand...Like I said previously, I dealt with great hardships early on in my life, but always used my resolve and determination to see through it and came through a better and more experienced individual.. This thing, though...UGH....I just cannot compare it to anything ever in my lifetime and its a serious issue... I need to find the keys to cracking this soon.. You hang in there, as well. Frankly my issues pale in comparison to yours so I can only imagine the hardship and pain. TFOY So TFOY, what is your situation? Married? Single? Was an AP? Can't work it out?
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