tbf Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Do you really want him or are you just afraid to lose him? 2
creighton0123 Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Well, here are the options: 1. He is a flake when it comes to respecting other people's time. 2. He is forgetful of potential commitments he has and is bad at organizing. 3. He is dating other people and is trying to juggle everything. My guess would be number 3 because, let's face it, you're not monogamous yet.
Author tuxedo cat Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 Do you really want him or are you just afraid to lose him? No I really do want him. Everything else about him I'm really into. :/
Star Gazer Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 No I really do want him. Everything else about him I'm really into. :/ But isn't this a biggie? Isn't the guy you really want one who won't make you fear abandonment? Those guys exist. They really do. 1
Author tuxedo cat Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 But isn't this a biggie? Isn't the guy you really want one who won't make you fear abandonment? Those guys exist. They really do. Ugh, yeah, I guess you're right.
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Smile, say, "I'm willing to give you another chance, but if you blow me off again, we're done." Men understand simple, straight to the point communications. And if that scares him off, you should find an actual man next time. I doubt I would have agreed to the date tonight. "Sorry hon, but Friday night was the only night I had available." That's just your typical empty threat, where the rhetoric is stronger than the action 90 percent of the time or greater. Most guys will do it again...just to see if you'll actually do anything about it, and since you're more emotionally invested at the point he does do it again, you'll more than likely do nothing...just like she's let it happen without being contested at this point, so why would that change? It's a temporary band-aid, but men in general don't do well with threats or ultimatums, it's more of a dare if anything. Of course they'll apologize and make some empty promises to never do it again.
Treasa Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 That's just your typical empty threat, where the rhetoric is stronger than the action 90 percent of the time or greater. Most guys will do it again...just to see if you'll actually do anything about it, and since you're more emotionally invested at the point he does do it again, you'll more than likely do nothing...just like she's let it happen without being contested at this point, so why would that change? It's a temporary band-aid, but men in general don't do well with threats or ultimatums, it's more of a dare if anything. Of course they'll apologize and make some empty promises to never do it again. It's not empty if you follow it up by....not ever seeing him again. I never said she should bluff. It's not a threat to simply state a fact, and it's also not wordy. I wouldn't even still BE with this guy, but that's just me. Her question was how should she tell him to stop. I don't think my reply could be any more succinct.
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 It's not empty if you follow it up by....not ever seeing him again. I never said she should bluff. It's not a threat to simply state a fact, and it's also not wordy. I wouldn't even still BE with this guy, but that's just me. Her question was how should she tell him to stop. I don't think my reply could be any more succinct. The problem is...If she doesn't have the backbone to follow through with it...like many women who don't when really into a guy, and she makes a remark like that and doesn't follow through...it's over. Respect will be lost and she'll spend the entire relationships trying to rebuild the respect that never existed. Women who make remarks like that tend to have a pattern of doing so and often are empty, because anyone who already has that standard or expectation won't even give you a warning only out of common courtesy at this stage in the game, they'd just be gone and be done with it. Anyone who has to make a threat or ultimatum is already with their backs against the wall, and they're likely to lose that bet and more down the road. But that's what I've seen, personally I'd bet money he'll call her bluff on that (I'm confident most men will) and do it again, described in my prior post...it's like the girl who tells you she's going to go home with and you but not have sex, men know chances are you're full of it or you wouldn't be going home in the first place....and if you didn't, guess what...surprise surprise that'd probably be the last time you hear from them anyway...small chance it would, but there would have had to been something really there IMO. In the end the results will speak for themselves. 1
outsidethebox Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Yes, I'm aware you've met in real life. Otherwise, how would you date five times? His sexual performance is odd. So is his 60% rescheduling of dates and flaking/fading. What this means exactly, no idea. We can only guess. Let's assume that no other warning flags show up (bet there's more that will manifest at a later date). Can you live with someone like this for an extended length of time without frustration and resentment happening, whether highly eccentric and disorganized, or flat out selfish? Why would someone try? I just don't understand the flailing around eccentric people that goes on in these scenarios.
Star Gazer Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 The problem is...If she doesn't have the backbone to follow through with it...like many women who don't when really into a guy, and she makes a remark like that and doesn't follow through...it's over. Respect will be lost and she'll spend the entire relationships trying to rebuild the respect that never existed. Women who make remarks like that tend to have a pattern of doing so and often are empty, because anyone who already has that standard or expectation won't even give you a warning only out of common courtesy at this stage in the game, they'd just be gone and be done with it. Anyone who has to make a threat or ultimatum is already with their backs against the wall, and they're likely to lose that bet and more down the road. But that's what I've seen, personally I'd bet money he'll call her bluff on that (I'm confident most men will) and do it again, described in my prior post...it's like the girl who tells you she's going to go home with and you but not have sex, men know chances are you're full of it or you wouldn't be going home in the first place....and if you didn't, guess what...surprise surprise that'd probably be the last time you hear from them anyway...small chance it would, but there would have had to been something really there IMO. In the end the results will speak for themselves. I agree with this, and unfortunately, after putting up with several cancellations already, she's set herself up as someone who he can call her bluff and she'll fail. If she'd given Treasa's line the FIRST time, it would be different. 2
outsidethebox Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 How can I broach the scheduling thing tactfully without getting too heavy or scaring him off? You're right that I do have some anxiety about being abandoned by men! I've been in a number of situations like this where a guy is sending me mixed signals or being indirect and it's sort of made me hypersensitive to any signs of disinterest. I can't remember the last time a guy was just reliable and consistent from the start. Not sure if it's something I'm doing or the type of guys I'm choosing. Ok, tc answered my last question.
tbf Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Why would someone try? I just don't understand the flailing around eccentric people that goes on in these scenarios.Eccentricity doesn't bother me but his actions do. His words say he's into her by being concerned about losing her but his actions say something completely different. 2
Author tuxedo cat Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 Eccentricity doesn't bother me but his actions do. His words say he's into her by being concerned about losing her but his actions say something completely different. It's weird thinking back I got a shifty vibe from him the first time we met but for some reason I chose not to pay attention to it... 2
Star Gazer Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 It's weird thinking back I got a shifty vibe from him the first time we met but for some reason I chose not to pay attention to it... Always pay attention!! I make that mistake all. the. time. What did he do that was shifty?
tbf Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 It's weird thinking back I got a shifty vibe from him the first time we met but for some reason I chose not to pay attention to it...Pay attention, love.
Author tuxedo cat Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 Always pay attention!! I make that mistake all. the. time. What did he do that was shifty? It was more that he was just very.unassertive. Like shy and polite to a degree that made me uncomfortable. Does that make sense? Not straight talking at all.
Treasa Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 You aren't still going out with him, are you? I mean, I assume you've cancelled your date for tonight. If not, you might want to.
Author tuxedo cat Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 (edited) You aren't still going out with him, are you? I mean, I assume you've cancelled your date for tonight. If not, you might want to. No, I'm going to follow through on the date. I have a feeling things are going to come to a head and this may be the last date. Edited April 13, 2013 by tuxedo cat
tbf Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 Treasa, tuxedo cat doesn't strike me as a door slammer. Now that she's been given a few perspectives, she needs to approach this in her own softer manner. 3
Treasa Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 No, I didn't mean why as in that why, I meant literally why. As in my reading comprehension is lacking today because I have the flu.
Kamille Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 No I really do want him. Everything else about him I'm really into. :/ Ok wait. Here is where I think there's a mistake. Don't pay attention to him. Pay attention to what he has to offer relationship wise. So far, jury is out - yourself included. Face it: you're still unsure about your capacity to be in a relationship with this guy. And, 5 days in and a 60% flake out rate later, that's a good thing. You don't need to figure this out tonight. But you need to let him convince you he's worth your time. 2
Author tuxedo cat Posted April 14, 2013 Author Posted April 14, 2013 I don't know what to think. Our date was a bit weird. This guy seems to have major issues. He told me tonight he has been in the ER several times in the last few years for severe panic attacks. He wants to see me on Wednesday but my interest has really diminished at this point. I'll write more later, too tired now.
Star Gazer Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 Hmm. I'd be interested to hear more details, if you're open to sharing. 2
Treasa Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 Ugh. I can't get over the bad gut feeling I'm getting about this guy. I used to have panic attacks all the time. At their worst, they were happening three times a week, completely out of nowhere, usually at work when nothing was going on. I never went to the ER, though, and I got help for my anxiety. I just can't think of anything that redeems this guy so much.
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