sb129 Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Why didn't he just do his taxes tomorrow night then? I could see if taxes were due tomorrow, but since he has until Monday, why is it so imperative that he do them tonight? . ETA, it's unknown what his 'tax' situation is. My tax return was 91 pages and it took about 12 hours of constant work to assemble the data for the software to crunch into those pages. Stuff happens. Better safe than sorry. Personally, I would rather get the taxes done so that I could forget about them and relax on the date. It would bug me if I left them till the last minute. Some people are genuinely busy- this incident in isolation would be fine with me, but serial cancelling and not wanting to have sex would make me start to wonder whether or not this was worth pursuing.
Vogeltron Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 It really does depend on the kind of person Tax wise, if they are self employed, investments, and lots of other things. If you are filing a 1040EZ that takes a few minutes. If you are a businessman with a 1040 and a schedule C and and maybe lots of 1099ks for investment other income it can be a very long and complicated process this close to tax season. I do wonder why he wouldn't be upfront with you if this is the case saying I have a very complex tax return I apologize this is going to take me hours to go through can we please reschedule. That would be the proper thing to do but who knows. I am male but the lack of communication I have to admit with some people my gender with their women is just horrible. Not going defend the either side lack of communication is terrible on both sides in good number of relationships.
Mr_Flay Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 There's something funny about him preferring taxes more than your company. I guess there are people who take their taxes quite seriously.
KraftDinner Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Any which way you slice it, he's thoughtless if he's the kind of guy who keeps rescheduling. I hate to say it, but sounds like he might be pretty selfish in a serious relationship. He'd just do whatever he wanted with little consideration for your time. 1
runningfar Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Wait, why did he put off doing his taxes so long? Mine are not simple but they were done a month ago. I would not appreciate being cancelled on for something that really shouldn't have come as a surprise. Oh taxes are due? Who could have seen that coming? 3
Author tuxedo cat Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 Three times out of five dates means he's rescheduled 60% of the time. Sounds like he's juggling. Is he still on the dating site? We met in real life and I don't get the impression he dates around. He told me he hadn't been on a date in a long time.
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Personally I think that he may be anxious about sexual performance. Guys don't delay sex unless there is a reason to.
Author tuxedo cat Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 Is this the guy you posted about earlier in the week (I think) who wasn't contacting you/faded out, or another guy? Either way, I cancelled on someone tonight for the same reason... that, and I knew I'd be getting back into town on the later side. Yeah, same guy.
tbf Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 We met in real life and I don't get the impression he dates around. He told me he hadn't been on a date in a long time.Yes, I'm aware you've met in real life. Otherwise, how would you date five times? His sexual performance is odd. So is his 60% rescheduling of dates and flaking/fading. What this means exactly, no idea. We can only guess. Let's assume that no other warning flags show up (bet there's more that will manifest at a later date). Can you live with someone like this for an extended length of time without frustration and resentment happening, whether highly eccentric and disorganized, or flat out selfish? 1
Star Gazer Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Yeah, same guy. What was his explanation for disappearing? And why did you accept it?
Star Gazer Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Personally I think that he may be anxious about sexual performance. Guys don't delay sex unless there is a reason to. Disagree. I don't think that many guys put off sex because of performance issues. I think he's avoiding a relationship. The guy I dated in January and February delayed sex because he knew that it would "mean something" and he wasn't ready to take our relationship to the next level. Why? He was still dating around.
Author tuxedo cat Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 tbf: I meant we met in real life, not on a dating site for what it's worth. SG: He did respond to my email a day and a half later and then he started texting me a lot more and saying that he missed me and couldn't wait to see me again. It was strange. He never explained the delayed response. Do you guys think I should mention anything about the flakiness on our date tonight?
Star Gazer Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 SG: He did respond to my email a day and a half later and then he started texting me a lot more. It was strange. He never explained the delayed response. So he just popped back up? I agree with TBF. He's definitely juggling. He was likely distracted by someone else during his period of silence. 1
tbf Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 So he just popped back up? I agree with TBF. He's definitely juggling. He was likely distracted by someone else during his period of silence.Or gaming, pretending to have a life which is kinda pathetic when you put someone on ice like that.
Author tuxedo cat Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 So he just popped back up? I agree with TBF. He's definitely juggling. He was likely distracted by someone else during his period of silence. Ugh. I'll feel pretty bummed if that's the case--he told me on our first date that he was looking for a relationship, asked me if I was looking for the same, and said he hadn't been on a date with anyone in a long time. I realize we haven't had the exclusivity talk but still it would leave a sort of icky taste in my mouth. Know what I mean? I would definitely break things off if this turns out to be the case. So I'm not sure what to do. Should I ask him if he's seeing someone else?
Star Gazer Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Ugh. I'll feel pretty bummed if that's the case--he told me on our first date that he was looking for a relationship, asked me if I was looking for the same, and said he hadn't been on a date with anyone in a long time. I realize we haven't had the exclusivity talk but still it would leave a sort of icky taste in my mouth. Know what I mean? I would definitely break things off if this turns out to be the case. So I'm not sure what to do. Should I ask him if he's seeing someone else? Looking for a relationship and dating multiple people aren't mutually exclusive. The guy I dated in January and February started dating others 5 dates in to our "relationship." I'd only ask if the answer will impact how you move forward at this point.
Author tuxedo cat Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 Looking for a relationship and dating multiple people aren't mutually exclusive. The guy I dated in January and February started dating others 5 dates in to our "relationship." I'd only ask if the answer will impact how you move forward at this point. Yeah, I know. I still would feel weird about continuing to see him if that were the case. The possibility of a guy seeing other people is one thing but knowing with certainty is another. I did it once before with a guy who was seeing other people and I ended up hurt and frustrated in the end. I'm worried on the off chance he's just seeing me that if I ask him it will scare him off. Maybe I'll just play it by ear on our date tonight. Feeling very ambivalent right now. I know he's almost crossed a boundary for me where I'll have to say goodbye but it's sort of in that grey area of plausible deniability which I hate. It's just hard to get excited for a date when my feelings are so mixed.
Kamille Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Honestly, I think there are two separate issues: 1. This guy's propensity to reschedule. 2. Tuxedo cat's feelings of abandonment when he doesn't stay in contact as much as she would like. The first, I think this something that could be discussed with him. He'll be better able to explain why he does this than any of us here. As to the second, I'm getting the impression you're someone who reacts to emotion. By this I mean that your emotions might, in some ways, become facts for you. You feel lonely so it becomes a fact that he is abandoning you. Then he writes (in what sounds like less than a day or two later) and your okay again. Put another way, not being in contact every day while dating (or even every other day), doesn't strike me as abnormal. 1
Author tuxedo cat Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 Honestly, I think there are two separate issues: 1. This guy's propensity to reschedule. 2. Tuxedo cat's feelings of abandonment when he doesn't stay in contact as much as she would like. The first, I think this something that could be discussed with him. He'll be better able to explain why he does this than any of us here. As to the second, I'm getting the impression you're someone who reacts to emotion. By this I mean that your emotions might, in some ways, become facts for you. You feel lonely so it becomes a fact that he is abandoning you. Then he writes (in what sounds like less than a day or two later) and your okay again. Put another way, not being in contact every day while dating (or even every other day), doesn't strike me as abnormal. How can I broach the scheduling thing tactfully without getting too heavy or scaring him off? You're right that I do have some anxiety about being abandoned by men! I've been in a number of situations like this where a guy is sending me mixed signals or being indirect and it's sort of made me hypersensitive to any signs of disinterest. I can't remember the last time a guy was just reliable and consistent from the start. Not sure if it's something I'm doing or the type of guys I'm choosing.
Star Gazer Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 You're right that I do have some anxiety about being abandoned by men! I've been in a number of situations like this where a guy is sending me mixed signals or being indirect and it's sort of made me hypersensitive to any signs of disinterest. I can relate to those feelings. How can I broach the scheduling thing tactfully without getting too heavy or scaring him off? Being repeatedly cancelled and rescheduled is annoying to anyone. Talking about it doesn't need to be heavy or scare anyone off. If it does, he's an immature jerk. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 How can I broach the scheduling thing tactfully without getting too heavy or scaring him off? You're right that I do have some anxiety about being abandoned by men! I've been in a number of situations like this where a guy is sending me mixed signals or being indirect and it's sort of made me hypersensitive to any signs of disinterest. I can't remember the last time a guy was just reliable and consistent from the start. Not sure if it's something I'm doing or the type of guys I'm choosing. Men can smell insecurity in dating/relationship, and that's a very bad thing for women as they tend to take advantage of it. Right now he's testing you, and so far your reactions have just passive, that means you're already being placed in the doormat category, because you've shown that this is what you will tolerate, if you'd have spoken up and let him know it's not ok then he might have changed his behavior....you're essentially an enabler. You allow men to get away with too much because you're too scared to push them away, when they're just testing the limits, and you're just afraid of being left/abandoned by what you see as a "quality" guy....I don't get the impression this is a quality girl but right now, you're not really acting like a quality girl either, women with insecurity and abandonment issues are a dime-a-dozen and do not typically make men want to work for more when they can have everything for little effort. You're your worst enemy. Speak up and speak your mind or just get used/strung along. Your fear of losing someone you hardly know says more about you than any man.
Author tuxedo cat Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 Men can smell insecurity in dating/relationship, and that's a very bad thing for women as they tend to take advantage of it. Right now he's testing you, and so far your reactions have just passive, that means you're already being placed in the doormat category, because you've shown that this is what you will tolerate, if you'd have spoken up and let him know it's not ok then he might have changed his behavior....you're essentially an enabler. You allow men to get away with too much because you're too scared to push them away, when they're just testing the limits, and you're just afraid of being left/abandoned by what you see as a "quality" guy....I don't get the impression this is a quality girl but right now, you're not really acting like a quality girl either, women with insecurity and abandonment issues are a dime-a-dozen and do not typically make men want to work for more when they can have everything for little effort. You're your worst enemy. Speak up and speak your mind or just get used/strung along. Your fear of losing someone you hardly know says more about you than any man. What should I say to him? And at what point in the date, beginning or end? I just have no idea how to broach it smoothly.
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 What should I say to him? And at what point in the date, beginning or end? I just have no idea how to broach it smoothly. Just express yourself, tell him how you really feel. Women with your issues tend to have a hard time articulating themselves and speaking up, like they can't get the words out of their mouth. You have to just stop dating defensively, you have to have a standard and requirement for what you are looking for and be able to either vocalize that or dismiss a guy if you feel that he will not live up to your expectations...because every guy is not going to be right for you, so you shouldn't try to make everything work. Tell him look.. I understand you had to do your taxes this past Friday, but you've already rearranged plans/dates with me several times and this is looking like a pattern. I'm trying to be understanding but I can't help but feel that I'm not being placed as a priority, especially if it's last minute...I know we're just getting to know each other at this point but I don't think that is very respectful or makes a good impression with somebody new either, if you're not interested in me then I expect a reciprocating effort so I'm doing my part to let you know how I feel and If you'd like to move past this and be on the same page with each other. However If you think I'm unreasonable or dating other people and not really that interested then we can part ways now and no harm done, but If you wish to continue seeing each other I expect more of a consistent and considerate behavior, because you've been telling me how interested you are with your words but your actions say otherwise, because I don't feel like a priority when you keep changing dates or cancelling plans, whether for justifiable reasons or not. You let people know early on what you're about, you don't let people get away with behavior you don't appreciate if you feel you're being reasonable and it's something that bothers you. Trust your gut and instinct, and voice your expectations and feelings when it's appropriate, stop just trying to be a puppet worrying so much whether the damn baffoon likes you or not, have some self-respect, that's all. Value yourself, your time and your investment by speaking up for yourself. 3
Treasa Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Smile, say, "I'm willing to give you another chance, but if you blow me off again, we're done." Men understand simple, straight to the point communications. And if that scares him off, you should find an actual man next time. I doubt I would have agreed to the date tonight. "Sorry hon, but Friday night was the only night I had available." 6
Author tuxedo cat Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 I'm listening to Beyonce predate. She always makes me feel empowered. Thanks for all the support, guys.
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