tuxedo cat Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 A few nights ago he asked me out for a date tonight. This morning he messaged me and told me he just realized he had to do his taxes tonight and would probably be mired in them all night. He asked me if I'd be free tomorrow instead, so we'll be seeing each other then. This will be only our fifth date and it's the third time he has rescheduled a date with me (but not this particular date). Last time we had a date he also switched the night from Friday to Saturday last minute because he had to meet with a reporter for his job. Another week he told me he got called into work unexpectedly. He always does end up honoring the second commitment but I'm starting to get pretty frustrated, especially because he's the one who initiates the date itself and then flakes. FYI, I semi called him on the behavior the second time he did this and he apologized and sent me a long email explaining that a side reason for his rescheduling was so that he could fix up his apartment for me and that he's terrified of messing things up with us because he really likes me. Am I not being patient enough?
A O Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Yes be patient, he seems to have sound reasons for rescheduling so far. But there is a limit, a week or two of this is one thing, a month or more of this and nay - try elsewhere. 1
carhill Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Saturday night dates are top drawer, IMO. Having spent all of yesterday on my taxes, I can sympathize with him. Go have fun and fuggetabout a one day reschedule. That's my .02. 4
clia Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Why didn't he just do his taxes tomorrow night then? I could see if taxes were due tomorrow, but since he has until Monday, why is it so imperative that he do them tonight? I actually think you are being too patient. Now twice in a row you have allowed him to cancel a Friday date and reschedule for Saturday at the last minute. This doesn't set good precedent. I would've said I was busy tomorrow night. If you keep allowing him to do this, he will continue to do it. 4
StanMusial Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 The filing deadline isn't until Monday. Seems like a shabby excuse, couldn't he do his taxes tomorrow? Maybe he is multidating and encountered someone whose schedule is less flexible.
carhill Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Tip: If Saturday doesn't work for you or if you feel you'd rather spend it with a friend or alone, tell him that. Dating interactions are give and take and one shouldn't feel obligated to perform to a standard. Flexibility on both sides enables a more synergistic getting to know process. What I'm hearing from you OP is that you feel this is one-sided, with you being more flexible to accommodate his schedule changes. You can choose to be flexible or you can choose to do something else. It's up to you. You certainly don't owe him anything. ETA, it's unknown what his 'tax' situation is. My tax return was 91 pages and it took about 12 hours of constant work to assemble the data for the software to crunch into those pages. Stuff happens. Better safe than sorry. 1
MsSmurf Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Why didn't he just do his taxes tomorrow night then? I could see if taxes were due tomorrow, but since he has until Monday, why is it so imperative that he do them tonight? I actually think you are being too patient. Now twice in a row you have allowed him to cancel a Friday date and reschedule for Saturday at the last minute. This doesn't set good precedent. I would've said I was busy tomorrow night. If you keep allowing him to do this, he will continue to do it. I agree with this. I understand having challenges with work, but the tone he's setting is that you're always supposed to be the one understanding and willing to compromise. That really isn't fair and it makes me wonder how he'd react if the situation were reversed.
outsidethebox Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Tell him he doesn't know what terrified is if he pulls another reschedule stunt on you. 3
FitChick Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 If he leads the type of life where he cannot plan ahead due to outside circumstances, you either have to accept it or find someone else who leads a more predictable life. Avoid cops, doctors and firemen! 2
StanMusial Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Tell him he doesn't know what terrified is if he pulls another reschedule stunt on you. I say you should stalk him, and when you catch him at the bar with another girl go all apeshet on him like the one girl did to that other fella on here. 2
MidwestUSA Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 If he had to involve a tax preparer who was only available tonight, I could understand. But Saturday is prime time; gotta wonder why he hasn't offered up Saturday in the first place. If he were to try one more rescheduling with me, I'd no longer be available. He needs to know your time is valuable too. 1
soccerrprp Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 If he leads the type of life where he cannot plan ahead due to outside circumstances, you either have to accept it or find someone else who leads a more predictable life. Avoid cops, doctors and firemen! ...doctors... where were you about a year ago when I started dating such?! Talk about difficult to schedule...
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Shady behavior IMO from this guy. I notice that there are mainly people who are responsible with your time and theirs, and those who are not. Some people are naturally flaky and unreliable, but those are people who I don't invest a lot of time in because If I say I'm going to do something or be there I'll do what I can to make it, even reject other plans. Then I'm going to be pissed if you reschedule on me at the last moment because now you've decided that my time is expendable. So unless someone has got a lot going on, and I know their situation and circumstances It's a very short leash, If I understand and it makes sense then that's what I agreed to beforehand and it wouldn't bother me....otherwise, definitely not three times out of five dates for things that could've been prevented, just makes this guy sound lazy and irresponsible..."I forgot to do my taxes" I mean really?. And everybody has excuses, I've known a lot of people in my lifetime who make excuses for everything...after a point, it doesn't even matter if it's true or not, you're doing something wrong if it's on a consistent basis so that's a problem...your problem though, not mine. So for me this would be a deal-breaker, I would just automatically lose a lot of interest really fast...it's just something that rubs me the wrong way and wouldn't feel motivated seeing this person again...and on a friday night, to do taxes? you've got to be kidding me....that alone sounds fishy. What this comes down to though, is do you have a "standard" or "expectation"? If you know what you're looking for and want in your life and what kind of person you want to be with then this should be a no-brainer for you. Otherwise are you just the doormat type that just tries to go with anything and see if it "works out"? I don't know, I've never really assimilated to the dating norm that "everybody is worth giving a chance, you never know right away...ignore the red flags, maybe things will change"...that's not my personal style or way of going about things, i call it like i see it unless proven otherwise.
hppr Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Am I not being patient enough? That would depend on how well you know him. If you've only been on a few dates then yeah you aren't being patient enough, however if you're in an established relationship and he's blowing you off for petty reasons call him on it.
GravityMan Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 I'm in the camp that believes that this guy is flaking out on you, using "gotta do my taxes" as an excuse. Even if it's true that he really does need to do his taxes. I don't buy the "tax preparer" suggestion because usually such arrangements are made a reasonable time in advance. Likely further in advance than a typical timeframe between a guy asking out a woman and the actual date. There's a slim chance that the guy may have momentarily forgot about tax time while conversing with the woman, but I doubt it esp. if he was using a preparer. I also doubt that this guy's tax return is the super-lengthy 90-page type that'll he'll be "mired in all night". First of all, people's taxes usually aren't that complicated unless they are business owners or have many investments. Secondly, if his tax situation is that complex, he probably wouldn't be waiting until the last minute to finish and file them to the IRS. You don't just suddenly remember "oh crap! I gotta do these long-as-hell taxes!!" People generally aren't forgetful about such things. It is far more likely that this guy's tax situation is the simpler 1040/1040-EZ type that can be completed in 30-60 minutes, which can be easily postponed to Saturday or Sunday...and that there is some other reason why he decided not to go out with you tonight. His history of frequent rescheduling further puts him in a negative light. If his prior reschedule due to him fixing up his apartment is true then he should have been honest with you on that in the first place. Either this guy has something else going on secretly or he is VERY inexperienced with dating and treatment of women...plus immature and irresponsible.
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 It literally takes me 15 minutes to do the taxes and I have 3 sources of income. I do them online and just open up the last year's template It may be different in the US. But I think she shouldn't obsess over this, maybe he is anxious about something; I wouldn't give it too much thought yet.
gaius Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Pussy > Taxes. He's playing games. Showing you who's boss by constantly rescheduling. 1
Author tuxedo cat Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 (edited) I don't know if this adds anything but I'm just going to throw it out there. He is also being a bit weird about sex. I felt comfortable enough to have sex with him on our fourth date since I really like him but I didn't press it and also was fine with waiting. I just was a little surprised with his behavior. We were lying in his bed naked together, he was groping me and offered to go down on me but he said he wasn't ready for sex and also wouldn't let me touch him down there. I could tell he was very turned on--his heart was racing, he was breathing heavily, he couldn't keep his hands off me and he was hard the whole time. He also told me he finds me incredibly attractive. I was just a bit surprised. Like I've never had a guy go that far with me (get naked in bed?) and not want to have sex. I feel like he has some sort of sexual hang up and is maybe putting off our date for this reason. I know he hasn't had sex in two years since his last relationship ended. He doesn't date around. Edited April 13, 2013 by tuxedo cat
Kamille Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 I don't know if this adds anything but I'm just going to throw it out there. He is also being a bit weird about sex. I felt comfortable enough to have sex with him on our fourth date since I really like him but I didn't press it and also was fine with waiting. I just was a little surprised with his behavior. We were lying in his bed naked together, he was groping me and offered to go down on me but he said he wasn't ready for sex and also wouldn't let me touch him down there. I could tell he was very turned on--his heart was racing, he was breathing heavily, he couldn't keep his hands off me and he was hard the whole time. He also told me he finds me incredibly attractive. I was just a bit surprised. Like I've never had a guy go that far with me (get naked in bed?) and not want to have sex. I feel like he has some sort of sexual hang up and is maybe putting off our date for this reason. I know he hasn't had sex in two years since his last relationship ended. He doesn't date around. Really random possibility: did you have the STI talk? Maybe he'd feel more comfortable if you discussed it, or.... maybe he has some information to share on that front. But since that's a somewhat farfetched hypothetical explanation for the sexual behavior, I'll also weigh in on the actual facts: The resched seems weird to me - but he could just be tired and using taxes as an excuse. But those kinds of things do bother me a lot at the beginning of a relationship. Would you feel comfortable discussing this behavior with him and telling him it bothers you?
kassy Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 I have actually rescheduled a date last minute because of taxes hehe I really like the guy but my accountant rang me up and was like if you don't get me all your stuff by tomorrow morning you are going to end up filing late and getting a whopping fine. Totally my fault, I had been away then had problems with my business and have a job so I had just kept putting it off. But I don't live in the us and people work Saturdays here so maybe slightly relevant. I'd say give him this one but if it happens again decide if you can deal with it or need to move on. Also have been naked in bed with a guy and no sex. He was divorced, 2 years, but hadn't been with many women since the divorce and had huge performance anxiety. We took it slow and all was fine after we knew each other better in and out of the bedroom. And once we got past having sex... Yeah he had no hang ups ;-)
Star Gazer Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Is this the guy you posted about earlier in the week (I think) who wasn't contacting you/faded out, or another guy? Either way, I cancelled on someone tonight for the same reason... that, and I knew I'd be getting back into town on the later side.
tbf Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Three times out of five dates means he's rescheduled 60% of the time. Sounds like he's juggling. Is he still on the dating site? 1
PogoStick Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 It literally takes me 15 minutes to do the taxes and I have 3 sources of income. I do them online and just open up the last year's template It may be different in the US. But I think she shouldn't obsess over this, maybe he is anxious about something; I wouldn't give it too much thought yet. US taxes can get complicated especially if he is running his own business. Even worse he probably hasn't bothered to keep the info organized through the year and now has to sort it all out. -Former tax preparer
outsidethebox Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 What's the point of a guy getting naked and into bed if he's going to say "don't touch me down there"? For starters, why would someone take their shorts off if they didn't want to be touched "down there"? You lead an interesting life, tc. 1
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