Shepp Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Our background is like all explained on my other thread so im not going to write all that again (mainly cause i want to keep this as short as i can). If you don’t wanna be doing all that clicking on my profile ill try and do a really brief run through: We’ve been friends for 4 years, since we were 15. She’s completely stunning, smart, hilarious. Flip side she’s also a bit self destructive & a massive flirt. We're close. She hasn’t really got anyone else, her mum died when she was 13, her dads a waste of space. She acts so tough to everyone but me. She jumps from guy to guy, most are just a one night thing, she never really gives a sh*t about them. I’m petty sure like me back at least a little bit! she'll talk to me about stuff she wouldnt anyone else Now I’ll write the whole conversation we had today as well as I can remember below, that probably explains it better but it might get a tad long so I’ll do a brief overview so I don’t scare everyone off! Basically she rang me this morning & told me that she found out at the she’s pregnant a few days ago and she hasn’t said anything cause shes completely freaking out about because she doesn’t know what to do. She was in a bit of a state so I told her to come over when I was back from work and we’d chat. So she came over I could tell she was nervous (which is odd for her) and she asked me how I felt about playing dad if she decide to have the baby! I told her that if there was even the smallest chance the baby could be mine then id do it, cause blood isn’t that important to me and it could be mine and I do really want kids. BUT it cant be mine – facts of life dictate that one! She says we easily could of slept together at some point but the fact is we didn’t and I’m an honest kind of guy, there’s no way I could lie on a birth certificate. I know I could adopt after the birth to give me like equal rights but I dunno about doing that, im mean it is playing on my mind cause a family with her is what ive wanted since I was 15, but that’s it - I want a family! And that’s not what shes offering me, so, ah I dunno (anyway that’s the story in brief, I don’t want to repeat what I’ve written further down). The fact of the matter is I do love her – not just cause she’s stunning & smart but like everything, I love the way she can light up any room just by smiling! I Love the way she remembers every little thing I ever tell her (even if sometimes I wish she didn’t) I love the way she doesn’t give a damn what anyone thinks of her! I Love the way she looks at me, so intense, like she’s analysing every word I say & gestures I make enough to read my mind, and how if I didn’t know her so well it would it would make me trip on my words. I love how our sense of humour is so in tune we can be in a room full of people and I can make the tiniest hint at something I just found funny, that no one else could notice but I’ll look at her and she’ll be grinning at me cause she was thinking it too. And I love that the few times she’s kissed me its completely totally electric, no other word for it! I could go on foreverrrrrr (but I wouldn’t do that to you dear reader ) I just, I love her! And I honestly would love to be a massive part of her kids life! Im god-dad to my nephews and I love taking them to footie practice, building stuff with them & teaching them to mountain bike! And of course id love her kid – even if its not mine, its hers so id care about it unconditionally but that’s not the same legally putting my name on paper and actually being a dad!! Its not really an issue telling her I cant do that, I feel a tad bad, but she’ll be cool and I feel like really it’s a decision that she should make regardless of where I stand. I dunno? But I dunno what to say, like I’ve got zero advice for her and she’s panicking big time about what to do – and I don’t think you make your best decisions when your panicking, but how can I tell her not to cause times ticking! ___________________________________________________________________ Full conversation: Me: look, it would be different if you were standing here telling me you’d seen the light and realised what a handsome, witty, charming young stud I am and wanted to be with me and you happened to be pregnant! Id do that, cause yeah I do want kids but not just kids I want a family Alex. Like a proper one! Her: I know, and if you really wanted me to do all that, to try and play the doting gf then I would do it, but I don’t want to! Not because I don’t love you, or I don’t want that, but when my mum died Alfie I was only just 13 & I lost the only person who gave a **** about me! And I remember being at home a week later and I dropped a glass and It smashed, I cant believe I’m actually telling someone this, and when I went to clear it up I cut my hand, I was just a kid so I was upset but there was no one to make it better Alf so after a while I went to the bathroom washed it and got out a plaster, then I went to my room for a bit and came back down an hour or so later and right there in the kitchen was that smashed glass, I had to clean it up cause no one else would. And I know that all sounds stupid and this is embarrassing but that night I cried myself to sleep Alfie, not because my mum had just died, but because id never felt so lonely in my whole life! And the next morning I decided I didn’t need anybody. And then couple of years later Alf, you pop up! And I screwed up Alfie cause I let myself need you, love you. And I cant lose that again so I try really hard to put you in a little box and keep you safe there, where I cant turn you to skittles. But you just keep pushing on it Alfie all the time and if you don’t stop then I’m gonna lose my self control and I’m gonna wanna be with you and then I’ll screw it up and I lose everything all over again! And even if i do nothing wrong, thats no guarantee is it, look at my mum! Me: (she was getting upset, so I was just like, its okay clam down or something like that - tbh it breaks my heart a little bit when she tells me stuff like that ) Her: Look you’ve got amazing family, amazing friends and you deserve that cause you’re the best person I know. You’ll never know what its like to feel that lonely for one day. But 2 years, 731 days Alfie [..which I though was wrong at the time but actually 2008 was a leap year so she’s right but how she worked that out so quickly god knows ].. is a really long time. I love you Alfie, and you should say no, no is the right decision what I’m asking of you is way too much and selfish and I hate that im even saying it to you, but I’m still saying it cause I don’t want to bring a kid into the world to feel the loneliness that I felt and I don’t trust myself enough to guarantee that it wouldn’t but if I gave it you for a dad then id know that id given it everything it could ever need! So at this point I was telling her that she’s great with kids (which is absolutely true – as it happens she’s training to be a primary teacher) and that like if she chooses to have the kid id have every confidence that she’d be a great mum. She brought up like ‘what if she died’ cause ‘her mum didn’t plan to die but she still did’. And I really wouldn’t ever let her kid go into care! Even if its not my blood! God honests truth if anything happened to her I wouldn’t think twice about stepping in. And the she just went “but just don’t say anything now I just needed to say it and I have so just forget it for now, yeah. C’mon, had any cats stuck up trees today then superman? (I’m a firefighter).”
veggirl Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Dude you're 19 and willing to sign up to raise another man's baby? Are you insane? Hopefully you will grow out of this desire to rescue fked up girls, you'll never find happiness attempting that. You think the queen of one night stands would suddenly be faithful when you start playing house with her? She should have an abortion, she doesn't sound at all like she is in any place to be raising a child, omg. I don't believe for one second your desire to take on her kid as your own has ANYTHING to do with the kid. It has to do with your unrequited crush on this girl and that's it. 7
Author Shepp Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 Dude you're 19 and willing to sign up to raise another man's baby? Are you insane? A) im not even really sure if i am willing to do that yet b) I know some people are really funny about blood but i dont really see it like that. Like its some other guys baby but it'd be mine 12yr old lad to take to footie practice, my girl to walk down the aisle! You think the queen of one night stands would suddenly be faithful when you start playing house with her? I can't argue with that its a valid point, I've got nothing to say she would be but know she could be, Shes got it in her to be! Shes a lot of things, that i wont deny because there completely true, but shes also incrediably honest! She should have an abortion, she doesn't sound at all like she is in any place to be raising a child, omg. That is an option open to her yeah, its not an easy one to take thou, well none of them are easy but neithers that! Its a big call to do that! I don't believe for one second your desire to take on her kid as your own has ANYTHING to do with the kid. It has to do with your unrequited crush on this girl and that's it. well yeah obviously to an extent cause i dont go round the streets serching for random pregnant women and asking if they need help looking after there kid! I dont really get what you mean, i havent met the kid so its not like there super cool and i want the credit lol! I've alwasy wanted kids thou if thats what you mean, i was thinkning more like when im 23, but yeah. Tbh i just want to be able to play with lego again!
runningfar Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 She's not asking for a family because she loves you. That maybe might be different. Don't do this. It's not good for anyone including the child. Say you'll be her friend always but do not sign the birth certificate or give any indication you're the father to the child. You're not She should put the baby for adoption. She's not ready to be a mom. 5
in_absentia Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 A)Tbh i just want to be able to play with lego again! This says it all really. It shows how much you care about your friend that you're even considering this, but it's a massively bad idea. I don't think you've even looked into the reality of the situation, at all. There's nothing wrong with taking an active part in the kid's life, I'd do the same to any of my best friends should they find themselves alone with a baby. As an 'Auntie' figure, I hope I do grow massively close to the children of my closest friends when we all start having them. But that's different to assuming a 'parental' role. So why not do that? Why not say you'll be cool Uncle Shepp? That you'll give a male influence? But do not under ANY circumstances, even if she turns round and says she wants to be with you as a family unit, say you'll be this child's father or sign the birth certificate or contribute financially. It would be the most idiotic move of your life. 2
steveT95 Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 abortion is killing a baby. Would you kill a todler or skoolkid? Yeah, if it was seriously disabled had no quality of life. Just because it makes you feel bad doesn't mean it deserves to suffer. Abortion been murder is a matter of opinion, not law. If you believe a bunch of undeveloped cells are a human then that is your choice. But if people want to abort their mistakes, fine. Don't look down on people because you believe differently.
Author Shepp Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 haha for the record i was just joking about the lego! :L So why not do that? Why not say you'll be cool Uncle Shepp? That you'll give a male influence? But do not under ANY circumstances, even if she turns round and says she wants to be with you as a family unit, say you'll be this child's father or sign the birth certificate or contribute financially. It would be the most idiotic move of your life. Yeah thats very true! Like i can see it from her point of view. But i can play dad without signing that i am dad!
Author Shepp Posted April 21, 2013 Author Posted April 21, 2013 She's not asking for a family because she loves you. That maybe might be different. Deffo - id be there like that! Don't do this. It's not good for anyone including the child. Say you'll be her friend always but do not sign the birth certificate or give any indication you're the father to the child. You're not She should put the baby for adoption. She's not ready to be a mom. See on one hand i agree - adoption gives people who cant have kids but really want them a kid but on the other hand theres nothing wrong with Alex, thers no reason why she couldnt be a good mum, a great one. I know what shes like and i inow shes got her faults but so's everyone - even the people who have undergo all that screening to be adoptive parent arent faultless. But she loves hard, whatever she does wrong the kid wouldnt doubt they were loved - and a part of me thinks it could be good for her!
Sanman Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 OP, I'm hearing a lot of cheerfulness and good intentions from you, but not a whole lot of reality. Are the two of you able to provide for a child? How are you going to pay for a roof over your heads and footie practice? What happens if she does cheat on you? What happens if she can't deal with the kid and disappears or ends up in bad shape? Are you willing to be this kids only parent? What are you giving up if you decide to take on this child? What were your plans? 1
Keenly Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 This is a terrible idea. This child is not your responsibility, and never will be. What are you gonna do when you are at home babysitting this kid and she's out jumping from guy to guy.
Author Shepp Posted April 22, 2013 Author Posted April 22, 2013 hey buddy Are the two of you able to provide for a child? How are you going to pay for a roof over your heads and footie practice? Together? Im a firefighter & play semi-pro football so i earn a decent wage. She works part time as a barmaid in a pub which dosent make that much money but shes training to be a primary school teacher which is a good career What happens if she does cheat on you? You mean like if we got into a actual bf/gf relationship and then she cheated on me? Yeah id be mega p*ssed, MEGA p*ssed! Id be really angry and she'd know about it! but i think i could probably get past one slip up if, considering her lifestyle up to now and if i was factoring in that she was totally faithful to me apart from that. But im no mug - i wouldnt stay with a girl who was making a habit of taking me for a fool! What happens if she can't deal with the kid and disappears or ends up in bad shape? Are you willing to be this kids only parent? Well im pretty good and calming her down when she flips about something. I get how she ticks! But saying hypothetically she did disappear like you say and up to that point id raised the kid as my own then yeah id continue to do so! Im not the kinda guy to run when stuff gets tough if i was raising the kid as mine then id continue to do that! id never walk out on my kid! What are you giving up if you decide to take on this child? What were your plans? Like my plans for the future? I love my job so i wanna keep doing that, i wanted to build my own house on this bit of land that my great-uncle left me, i want to get married and have a family! I always had in my head id like to be married by 23 cause i want to be a young dad y'know, so i can coach the footie team and all! :L Im a pretty simple guy I dont have plans to emigrate or join the circus! :L Id like to climb mt.kilimajaro with my brother thou! Thanks again mate!
tbf Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 Don't even consider signing up for 18 years of child support. She can easily save herself, if she really wanted to.
white123 Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 when Im reading your story Im really really wondering why you havent kidnapped het and lock her in your prepared basement yet.. wtf men?! are u searious..? where is your dignity? put down your pink googles and see this "I **** with almos everybody except you" whore I understand that you really love her but frankly, it is one way love.. for future: dont even consider to help any girl when she dont want to **** you.. have some dignity men.. dont pay for some other men kid - give me this money, I believe this will be better ) you really need to stop seeing her and move on... 1
pink_sugar Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 You sound like two kids playing house. The reality is you both are 19...not even 20 yet. Are either of you working or going to school? If you were 30, it would be entirely different, but you are 19 with your whole life ahead of you. This is your friend...not your girlfriend or wife who wants you to play daddy for her kid. No, do not sign up for this. You both will think differently within the next 5 years. 1
Author Shepp Posted April 22, 2013 Author Posted April 22, 2013 You sound like two kids playing house. The reality is you both are 19...not even 20 yet. Are either of you working or going to school? If you were 30, it would be entirely different, but you are 19 with your whole life ahead of you. This is your friend...not your girlfriend or wife who wants you to play daddy for her kid. No, do not sign up for this. You both will think differently within the next 5 years. Hey, Yeah i work - im a firefighter, shes training to be a primary school teacher. im 20 next month and she already is - not that that makes a big difference! Yeah i get that - i mean if she was asking me as my gf that would be totally different, id be over the moon - i want a family, i cant wait! What do i tell her to do - like i have the option of just walking away, not my problem, but she cant do that, she has to make a decision! Im not like some kid living in a fantasy world - i get it! I get shes not perfect! I know she can be moody & reckless & impatient. and i know its not my kid and im only young and a kids for life and its not even mine. And that then i would never stand a chance of convincing me nan we're not an item, cause she dosent believe me at the moment! But there is a part of me that i cant stop that tells me this is what youve wanted since you were 15! ITs just a difficult situation full stop and i dont want to look back in 20yrs and say i made the wrong call! Thanks!
Author Shepp Posted April 22, 2013 Author Posted April 22, 2013 when Im reading your story Im really really wondering why you havent kidnapped het and lock her in your prepared basement yet.. hahahaha whattt? where abouts in my post exaclty did i give out psychopathic-mad-axe-murderer-vibes?? omg you made me laugh! wtf men?! are u searious..? where is your dignity? I have a hell of a lot of dignity! I take my pride in being good to my family and friends & being a family man, in being a firefighter, and in my sport! put down your pink googles and see this "I **** with almos everybody except you" whore I do see it - I do know what she can be like - that's why I put it in the text. I know she sleeps around a bit I know she does, and she can be moody & impatcient to boot - that's all true! But it's just as true that she can be a sweetheart, and incrediably kind & funny & gives amazing massages! I'm not an idiot - I haven't fallen head over heels for the wicked witch of the west! :L for future: dont even consider to help any girl when she dont want to **** you.. have some dignity men.. Mate what part of not helping a girl who's cars got stuck in the mud or just given herself concussion results In dignity!? I was brought up to help people out if you can out of the goodness of your heart cause were all human - not to only help them out if there pretty and promise there'll f*** you afterwards!! I like the guy the guy in mirror - he's a good guy! If he lived by those rules I sure as hell wouldn't respect him so much! dont pay for some other men kid - give me this money, I believe this will be better ) Pay for your footie practice instead huh?
2sure Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 Be the child's god father. Participate fully. Do not sign the birth certificate. There is no reason for you to. She wants a baby and she wants a check. 1
Sanman Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 The other thing you might be giving up is the real dream. This may well stop a girl that would otherwise love you, marry you, and have your kids from doing so. Think about that carefully before you make a decision. Is unrequited love really worth hindering your chances at real love? 2
LeGenDary_Man Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 (edited) @Shepp Profession does not makes an individual rational about relationships. You are way too young for a committed relationship and parenting roles, IMO. Right now! Your "hormones" are getting the better of your judgement. Your outlook of life might change drastically in later years. You will not understand this today but take this under advisement from those who are much older then you. We understand that you love kids; but you shouldn't take financial/fatherhood responsibility of kids of your friends. If you get involved in the dating culture with the baggage of fathering children that are not your own, chances are that you might be at disadvantage versus other single men. Whatever decision you will make today; will influence your future. So think wisely. Also, you are "infatuated" with this girl but chances are that she may not be right one for you. Don't jump in to relationship with her even if she gets a better job and shows interest in you. Continue to explore your options. Edited April 22, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man
pink_sugar Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 Good for you and thank you for your services. You are heading in the right direction. Do you have feelings for her as more than a friend? I know this is what you've wanted, but give it time...you have plenty of years ahead of you to have kids of your own. I've had my years of really wanting a family at your age...but your thoughts really do change as you get older. I got married at your age, I am almost 24 now and wish I made different decisions. Since you're so young, singing that birth certificate will also make it more difficult for you to date others and affect your chances of having a family of your own with the one you want to share your life with later on.
white123 Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 (edited) hi Sheep, I understand that you want to be sure what to do to don't regret it later. I got it. You wouldn't believe me but I was thinking about your situation before sleep I made an simulation of the future: If you are curious what I see please read more: You are with her and HER baby. You LOVE her. She LIKES you. Because you are really net and good and caretaker, she decide to let you "go in her" for 2 times a week at the beginning. You are HAPPY! You are making love with her! It is AMAZING!! Yeah.. for first, second, or maybe 20th time..but then you will be starting feel that something is missing there.. you LOVE her and you really good make a love with her BUT from her point of view (not POW porn ) it is something like "ok, come here, you can have me for now".. She never comes first and take your d*ck off your trousers, she don't start sex, maybe she is like "ok, lets go, the baby is sleeping.." How do I know it? I had a few similar experiences due to the money. I wasn't rich but I can play a good theater so some a little more dummy girls were having idea that I'm rich.. And I can tell you now - it is HUGE F*CKING DIFFERENCE having sex with girl she is horny on you and with girl like "hi is rich, I will give him a chance.." = "he care about me and MY baby, I NEED him (not LOVING him).. It is sad but about my 30ties I just finally found out that: girl must want you at the beginning, or it is just not THE one in the bed.. don't talking about: you are at home (not your baby)sleeping, she is out and giving GJ on the toilette to some good looking exciting stranger.. she comes back and you are like "honey, how are you?" and waiting to make a love but she is like "I'm really tired, not today" and she pass out when she laid next to you.. It should be a movie screen play, not your real life... edit: just read your answer - of course I will help any female or male what need help (on the street, car accident).. But I was talking about another "helping" like "I do everything for you and hope to get laid edit2: you are Shepp, not Sheep? sorry for that.. but frankly, the sheep is more better I think now Edited April 23, 2013 by white123
Calvin's wagon Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 (edited) Hi, Shepp, we talked a lot in your other thread:) I have a couple of questions, if I may: 1. How far along is she? How many weeks? 2. You wrote that before she wasn't in favour of any kind of therapy/counselling. Has this changed anything? Has it helped her where her actions&her issues(past) have led her and to see that she needs professional help? I cannot imagine how hard it must be for any woman to decide on what do in case of unplanned pregnancy, but I imagine that any woman needs a support system to deal with this. And you cannot be this support system, or at least not alone. She needs, in my opinion, to start IMMEDIATELY to work on her issues AND deciding what she'll do with the baby (adoption, abortion, single parent, pursuit you as the substitute father etc.)! To be very honest, I am afraid of how great of a mother she can be if she never faces her issues. She has been saying to you for years that she loves, but that (she's afraid that) she'll f--k you up because of her issues if she gets involved with you. Has it crossed her mind that the same might happen with the baby, that she'll mess her up, despite her best intentions, if she doesn't get professional help. You've mentioned that she makes "bad decisions on impulse" or sth like this etc. She has to stop doing that, and she needs help to learn how to stop making really bad decisions on impulse... And she has to stop relying SOLELY on you, it is selfish of her and self-destructive. I can understand her to some degree and I certainly feel a lot of sorrow for her (like I wrote in the other thread), but this is the time for her and you to grow up! It's time for her to start working on herself and building a proper support system for herself. No more ignoring her issues & relying (solely) on you. She's pregnant. High time for her to start taking care of herself. If she cannot take care of herself, how can she take care of the baby... 3. Also, please, please, get her to not only get immediate professional help, but try to reason with her for her to talk about this with your best mate's sister (with whom she gets along) and to someone who has been a mother. If she doesn't trust anyone else, get her to talk to your mum. She needs help and she needs a reality check. 4. What about the father of the baby? Does she know who he is, when will she tell him, will he want to be involved etc.? Why is she asking you and not first&foremost the father? She has come straight to you to ask to play dad to her baby, instead of the biological father? Have you two considered the chance that the father will want to be involved, and that while you're making plans to be parents to the baby, you're leaving out the biological father, who has the right&duty to get involved? 5. And honestly, this is the end of playing waiting games. It's time for you to get support as well. You seem like a great guy, but you definitely should be talking about this with more experienced people. Whatever happens henceforth, it will leave a big impact on your life for at least the next few years. And you, imo, don't want to be making this decision lightly, and you want to do your best to make the best decision for you. And imo, "doing your best" includes getting help&advice from more experienced people. So I strongly, strongly urge you to: - talk to your dad & other older men - talk to your mum - go attend at least a couple of counselling sessions. I cannot understand how helpful they can be, and afterwards you'll have a piece of mind that you did what you could to help yourself make the best possible decision. And to be completely frank - you're 20, you're thinking about getting very very involved in a (quasi)parenting role to a child of a (as she admits herself) very troubled young girl, who is not seeking the help she needs and is without a support system outside of you, whom you have fancied for a long long time, but has instead been hooking up with many men and getting pregnant. You might get so involved that you'll end involuntarily getting hurt or hurting everyone involved, and denying yourself the chance to be truly happy, perhaps with someone else who will not be messed up&who will be ready to be with you. For someone so young, all this is way too much to be deciding/handling by yourself. I can see now how much I've changed (mentally&emotionally) since I was 20 (now I'm 26), and I think there's a good chance you'll change as well, because these are the years when we do a lot of growing up. I think I was quite similar to you. My ex gf (and she was my gf at the time) really wanted us to have unprotected sex etc., at some point saying she'd perhaps be best of getting pregnant etc. And she also had many issues (as well as I), and she had cheated on me. I was head over heels for her, while everyone else was worried about me staying with her. Looking back, I am so grateful to myself that somehow I stood my grounds about using lots of protection & I'm happy that I was lucky to not get her pregnant. I am glad that she's out of my life, even though at the time I would give up almost everything for her. And counselling, talking to older people&friends etc. really helped me to start to see how unhealthy for me it all was. And the same might happen to you... So it's imperative that you try to listen to the people who have a more objective outlook on this issue and more experience. Then, make a decision. You've got lots of different options, weigh them carefully. Now, if you want me to be more blunt about why I think you seriously need to get counselling, let me know, but I hope we've said enough already. I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts, and I wish you all the best! Edited April 23, 2013 by Calvin's wagon 1
Author Shepp Posted April 23, 2013 Author Posted April 23, 2013 Do you have feelings for her as more than a friend?* Yeah massively so! Im in love with her! Since you're so young, singing that birth certificate will also make it more difficult for you to date others and affect your chances of having a family of your own with the one you want to share your life with later on. its more evening up the dating field really, giving other guys a fighting chance! SS haha im kidding, im not that arrogant! No i do agree, i guess its just not something i worry about - now i am gonna make myself sound arrogant, but i've never had a problem getting girls, so i just think that i make the decisions that i think are right for me and if a lass dont like it, she aint the right one! Thanks again Is unrequited love really worth hindering your chances at real love? I find it really difficult to explain our relationship, i think i might not of done a very good job - i think maybe i talk from my point of view so much that i maybe make it sound a lot more*unrequited than it really is! Like im probably guilty of treating her more like a gf than a mate, but of i am then so's she the other way round! She does a lot for me & my family.* I said this somewhere higher up i think but like when i had my mountain biking accident she was awesome! sat with me in the hospital playing xbox with me. And i remember *like waking up one time and my mam & nan were there (my mams a worrier & my nan hates hospitals) and she was sitting next to me telling them some story about god knows what and she and them in fits - i thought to myself then 'the girls a keeper'! She does like i say jump from guy to guy but shes never ever told me she "cant make something" or is "busy" cause shes seeing some guy - like she'd blow off any guy if i text her to see if she wanted to go fishing - and she hates fishing! Like valentines day just gone i told my brother id babysit so he could take his missus out - she turned up on the doorstep all "I've decided your gonna be my valentines babe", i was looking after my nephews she didnt have to come over, she could of gone out, met guys whatever (its not like she'd ever have trouble getting a date) but she didnt she came over to chill with me and make cookies with my nephews! I just feel like i should point out that shes not like some trainwreck that i spend my life picking up after, whatever it is - its a two way thing!
Author Shepp Posted April 23, 2013 Author Posted April 23, 2013 Hey *And I can tell you now - it is HUGE F*CKING DIFFERENCE having sex with girl she is horny on you and with girl like "hi is rich, I will give him a chance.." = "he care about me and MY baby, I NEED him (not LOVING him)..* Yeah yeah thats fair, and true!* Iv'e had sex with girls i wasnt that into and comparing that to her just kissing me theres a massicve difference cause with her its electric! - her words were "it feels right"! don't talking about: you are at home (not your baby)sleeping, she is out and giving GJ on the toilette to some good looking exciting stranger.. she comes back and you are like "honey, how are you?" and waiting to make a love but she is like "I'm really tired, not today" and she pass out when she laid next to you.. It should be a movie screen play, not your real life...* That does sound like a movie - maybe you should write it buddy! The thing with that is, shes a lot of things, admittedly, but a lier isnt one of them! shes always been totally honest and upfront with me! edit2: you are Shepp, not Sheep? sorry for that.. but frankly, the sheep is more better I think now * hahah yeah 'Alfie Shepherd' thats why people call me shepp but you can call me sheep if you want buddy!
Author Shepp Posted April 23, 2013 Author Posted April 23, 2013 Hey Calvin *I have a couple of questions, if I may: 1. How far along is she? How many weeks? 7 weeks ish 2. You wrote that before she wasn't in favour of any kind of therapy/counselling. Has this changed anything? Has it helped her where her actions&her issues(past) have led her and to see that she needs professional help? Yeah i did but i was doing really well with that! She actually chatted to the counselling thing set up at her college about arranging like a meeting thing but then the pregnancy thing happen and she wasnt so keen again (tbf shes kicking smoking while deciding what to do about the baby and she was a big smoker so thats made her a tad cranky) I cannot imagine how hard it must be for any woman to decide on what do in case of unplanned pregnancy, but I imagine that any woman needs a support system to deal with this. And you cannot be this support system, or at least not alone. She needs, in my opinion, to start IMMEDIATELY to work on her issues AND deciding what she'll do with the baby (adoption, abortion, single parent, pursuit you as the substitute father etc.)!* I completely agree *- big call thou aint it! To be very honest' date=' I am afraid of how great of a mother she can be if she never faces her issues. She has been saying to you for years that she loves, but that (she's afraid that) she'll f--k you up because of her issues if she gets involved with you. Has it crossed her mind that the same might happen with the baby, that she'll mess her up, despite her best intentions, if she doesn't get professional help. You've mentioned that she makes "bad decisions on impulse" or sth like this etc. She has to stop doing that, and she needs help to learn how to stop making really bad decisions on impulse...[/quote'] *Well I have a lot of faith in her - shes always come up trumps for me when i need her to, but i think that thats whats worrying her, i think thats one of the reasons she brought up this whole wanting me to play dad thing - she thinks even if she messes up i wont or something like that. 3. Also, please, please, get her to not only get immediate professional help, but try to reason with her for her to talk about this with your best mate's sister (with whom she gets along) and to someone who has been a mother. If she doesn't trust anyone else, get her to talk to your mum. She needs help and she needs a reality check. Yeah its a good point mate, i can see talking to a girl would be a good call! As for someone who's a mother, im pretty sure she'd talk to my mum, she likes my mum, and possibly my brothers wife - she had my bros first baby when she was 20 so that kinda makes sense - thou they got married at 18. *4. What about the father of the baby? Does she know who he is, when will she tell him, will he want to be involved etc.? Why is she asking you and not first&foremost the father? She has come straight to you to ask to play dad to her baby, instead of the biological father?* Have you two considered the chance that the father will want to be involved, and that while you're making plans to be parents to the baby, you're leaving out the biological father, who has the right&duty to get involved? She dosent know who he is, which kind of answers all the other questions! *5. And honestly, this is the end of playing waiting games. It's time for you to get support as well. You seem like a great guy, but you definitely should be talking about this with more experienced people. Whatever happens henceforth, it will leave a big impact on your life for at least the next few years. And you, imo, don't want to be making this decision lightly, and you want to do your best to make the best decision for you. And imo, "doing your best" includes getting help&advice from more experienced people. So I strongly, strongly urge you to: - talk to your dad & other older men - talk to your mum - go attend at least a couple of counselling sessions. I cannot understand how helpful they can be, and afterwards you'll have a piece of mind that you did what you could to help yourself make the best possible decision. I talked to my brother, he's 6yrs older so i guess that could kinda scrap into the 'older men category', the only reason i havent spoke to my mum & dad yet is cause she hasnt told 'people' *but me and my bro set the world to rights when we take his boat out for a spot of fishing so i tell him practically everything! I'm not sure about counselling - see im gonna sound like a hypocrite now cause i totally think she should do it - but me and her are different people.* You know like some people are interested in the meaning of life? Like she would be *interested in that kind of thing but im not - as long as my family are okay and i wake up in the morning then im good, i dont need a deeper meaning than that! - maybe that dosent make sense - it kinda does in my head! Just like if i have a problem that for whatever reason i couldnt sort out id go to my family or my friends who are practically family - i just would find it hard to sit in a room with a stranger and i dunno And to be completely frank - you're 20' date=' you're thinking about getting very very involved in a (quasi)parenting role to a child of a (as she admits herself) very troubled young girl, who is not seeking the help she needs and is without a support system outside of you, whom you have fancied for a long long time, but has instead been hooking up with many men and getting pregnant. You might get so involved that you'll end involuntarily getting hurt or hurting everyone involved, and denying yourself the chance to be truly happy, perhaps with someone else who will not be messed up&who will be ready to be with you. For someone so young, all this is way too much to be deciding/handling by yourself.[/quote'] Yeah I know - not exactly standard 5 yr plan!* I mean like if I'm being serious yeah it's messy and complicated, which is why I wanna be sure I make the right call!* I dunno about denying myself true happiness though - I am happy, I know there's much more straight forward girls out there but it's when I go on dates with them that I sit there and think you are kidding yourself lad - cause this ain't making you happy. And life's so short, it's corny but I think life's too short to do stuff that dosent make you happy! Ahh I wont handle it by myself I have greatness friends & family! *...I barely have 5mins by myself! *I think I was quite similar to you. My ex gf (and she was my gf at the time) really wanted us to have unprotected sex etc.' date=' at some point saying she'd perhaps be best of getting pregnant etc. And she also had many issues (as well as I), and she had cheated on me. I was head over heels for her, while everyone else was worried about me staying with her. Looking back, I am so grateful to myself that somehow I stood my grounds about using lots of protection & I'm happy that I was lucky to not get her pregnant. I am glad that she's out of my life, even though at the time I would give up almost everything for her. And counselling, talking to older people&friends etc. really helped me to start to see how unhealthy for me it all was. And the same might happen to you...[/quote'] thats rough man, im sorry she did that! but im glad your on tack now! I get the listening to people outside your relationship thing thou most of my friend and family like Alex! I think cause like...I'm happy, y'know? Like if I look at my life I'm like 'you got it pretty sweet lad' like I like my life (wow I've just used the word like a lot!! ) *I can't imAgine ever look back and thinking 'what was I doing' because I'm enjoying my life - and life's too short not to enjoy it *Now' date=' if you want me to be more blunt about why I think you seriously need to get counselling, let me know, but I hope we've said enough already.[/quote'] Yeah go for it buddy, you can tell me what you think! Thanks again mate, I appreciate you taking the time to help me an all!
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