A tale as old as time.

[ScarlettKaren]

Yep. Having read a few of the stories here, I can say that mine sounds strangely similar and yet because it is my own, different all the same.

 

My MM and I worked in the same field and had occasion to run into one another on a consistent basis. He's always been friendly and he and I got along, but it wasn't until we were stuck together for an extended period of time that the friendship and flirting really began. We spent our days over email getting to know one another, almost like dates and then found reasons to meet one another for drinks or lunch frequently. Soon enough we crossed lines. The attraction only built on top of the friendship that had formed. We were each others biggest supporters.

 

After the line was crossed we spent nearly 2 years together, escaping for afternoons together, traveling on business trips together when we could. I love you's were exchanged eventually and with much gravitas as it isn't something that either of us says easily and we knew the implications of loving someone other than the spouse.

 

Then at the end of March, after a lovely afternoon of flirty emails and texts. I get the Dday text late that night. A few short text that start and end with "its over . ___found an email and I can't do this anymore. I've know I shouldn't for a long long time. So there. I've failed, a lot."

 

The next morning I am unfriended. Unlinked in later that week, and last night completely blocked on Facebook. I haven't tried to contact him at all. I don't want to risk anything for him.

 

But my gosh, I am in so much pain. I've lost my best friend and a huge part of my life for the past 3 years. As well as one of the most supportive people in my world.

 

I don't really know what I'm asking for but I thought maybe sharing my story would help.

[Summer Breeze]

Yep. Having read a few of the stories here, I can say that mine sounds strangely similar and yet because it is my own, different all the same.

 

My MM and I worked in the same field and had occasion to run into one another on a consistent basis. He's always been friendly and he and I got along, but it wasn't until we were stuck together for an extended period of time that the friendship and flirting really began. We spent our days over email getting to know one another, almost like dates and then found reasons to meet one another for drinks or lunch frequently. Soon enough we crossed lines. The attraction only built on top of the friendship that had formed. We were each others biggest supporters.

 

After the line was crossed we spent nearly 2 years together, escaping for afternoons together, traveling on business trips together when we could. I love you's were exchanged eventually and with much gravitas as it isn't something that either of us says easily and we knew the implications of loving someone other than the spouse.

 

Then at the end of March, after a lovely afternoon of flirty emails and texts. I get the Dday text late that night. A few short text that start and end with "its over . ___found an email and I can't do this anymore. I've know I shouldn't for a long long time. So there. I've failed, a lot."

 

The next morning I am unfriended. Unlinked in later that week, and last night completely blocked on Facebook. I haven't tried to contact him at all. I don't want to risk anything for him.

 

But my gosh, I am in so much pain. I've lost my best friend and a huge part of my life for the past 3 years. As well as one of the most supportive people in my world.

 

I don't really know what I'm asking for but I thought maybe sharing my story would help.

 

I'm sorry. I don't see where you've said whether or not your M. Are you?

 

The hurt must be the same no matter if you are or not. I'm really sorry you're hurting right now. I like the fact you don't want to risk anything for him. When we went through our Ddays I felt the same. If he wants to stay and R then you should support him. Trust me it's not eay but you seem to have the right thoughts here so far.

 

Keep writing here. Remember that it's YOUR story and even with similarities it is individual. No 2 As are the same any more than any 2 Ms are. Do you have any kids or are you only looking after yourself? Are you taking care and getting plenty of sleep etc?

 

Will you have to see him for work in the future or can you avoid him? Something you want to prepare for is him coming back. He may not but he well may. Figure out what you want and make a game plan.

[ScarlettKaren]

Yes, I am married as well, no kids though. I spent the first week barely sleeping and not really eating much. Thankfully, I am very good at pretending to be ok, even if this has stretched all bounds.

 

Due to a massive job shift in August (which my MM helped me through every step of the way) I don't see him as regularly, but seeing him again is inevitable.

 

I've told myself I can't go through this again. The pain is too much, but how to handle if he pops back up. I guess it would greatly depend if it is next week or next year. My emotions are still running too high at the moment.

[ScarlettKaren]

Crud. I spent the first week praying for his return, literally, at mass. And now just when I think that him casting me out might be the best bet you all are saying he is going to come back? Sigh. I'm not strong enough to deal with that, not for a very long time.

[loredo21]

Yep. Having read a few of the stories here, I can say that mine sounds strangely similar and yet because it is my own, different all the same.

 

My MM and I worked in the same field and had occasion to run into one another on a consistent basis. He's always been friendly and he and I got along, but it wasn't until we were stuck together for an extended period of time that the friendship and flirting really began. We spent our days over email getting to know one another, almost like dates and then found reasons to meet one another for drinks or lunch frequently. Soon enough we crossed lines. The attraction only built on top of the friendship that had formed. We were each others biggest supporters.

 

After the line was crossed we spent nearly 2 years together, escaping for afternoons together, traveling on business trips together when we could. I love you's were exchanged eventually and with much gravitas as it isn't something that either of us says easily and we knew the implications of loving someone other than the spouse.

 

Then at the end of March, after a lovely afternoon of flirty emails and texts. I get the Dday text late that night. A few short text that start and end with "its over . ___found an email and I can't do this anymore. I've know I shouldn't for a long long time. So there. I've failed, a lot."

 

The next morning I am unfriended. Unlinked in later that week, and last night completely blocked on Facebook. I haven't tried to contact him at all. I don't want to risk anything for him.

 

But my gosh, I am in so much pain. I've lost my best friend and a huge part of my life for the past 3 years. As well as one of the most supportive people in my world.

 

I don't really know what I'm asking for but I thought maybe sharing my story would help.

 

Like I said this ending is very similar to mine. And the work thing we had in common as well. Mine was my boss though so of course I was no longer at that job anymore...Where we differ is on the length. That is a very long time to have someone in your life and to just have it taken away. I would indeed like to know if you are married as well. Take care and take it easy on yourself. If you like to drink or do other forms of escape I would try hard not to indulge right now. As better as it might make you feel it will only cloud your judgement and make it that much harder not to contact. I had about 3 drunken emails and after the last one I said NO MORE! it was highly upsetting pouring my heart out to him and getting no response. The rejection and silence is what is going to hurt the most. But understand that things will work out exactly as they are supposed to. If you are meant to be together it can and DOES happen. You just need to be patient. I don't want to give you false hope as me and a lot of the OW on here are still sitting here with nada. But like SB said no 2 stories are the same. Maybe similar, but not the same. I am sorry you are hurting. Try reading some books about A's, stay close to the boards, chat with friends, get some coffee, do some yoga, meditate. whatever you need to do to take care of you. That is most important. Are you in IC or is that something you will consider?

[wisernow]

Crud. I spent the first week praying for his return, literally, at mass. And now just when I think that him casting me out might be the best bet you all are saying he is going to come back? Sigh. I'm not strong enough to deal with that, not for a very long time.

 

He may or he may not come back. My Dday happened much like yours, almost exactly really. It's been over 2 years and he never tried to insert himself back into my life. I'm sorry you're hurting. As someone else said, keep posting.

[loredo21]

He may or he may not come back. My Dday happened much like yours, almost exactly really. It's been over 2 years and he never tried to insert himself back into my life. I'm sorry you're hurting. As someone else said, keep posting.

 

wow. i find it very hard to believe that one can risk everything to be with someone, every single thing in their life and it is so easy for them to move on and never contact them again. it seems so callous. I know because it is happening to me. 9months out. hard to believe.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

It's good that there are boards like this to help people along that are so new to this process.

 

I remember right after D-Day my sister (who had gone through a similar thing about 5 years earlier) giving me similar advice. Try to go easy on the alcohol (drunk emails? yeah I sent a couple), absolutely no contact, etc. That is so, so hard when they have been such an integral part of your life. My xMM was my best friend too (and he said I was his), but he sure was able to drop his best friend quickly, so really, was I? Like I have said before, it's like death except you know the body is hanging around somewhere.

 

Go easy on yourself. But do not give this guy the satisfaction of trying to reach out to him when you have been treated so callously. Let him deal on his own, whatever that is - without you. It is better for him to try to work things out on his end and then if the marriage doesn't work out you are not in the mix.

 

Whatever the issues were prior to the affair HAVE to be addressed afterwards for sure and if they are not, people are creatures of habit - they just wind up doing the same thing again 2 or 3 years down the road when they get more comfortable. We are human and unless we learn we repeat behaviors. So let him be and let him deal.

 

In the meantime, you deal with your sh** and figure out what you really want and what is best for you. Come here and vent if you need to but most importantly focus on you.

[ScarlettKaren]

Oh. I have no intention of contacting him. A large part of pride won't let me and and the only anger I can muster is, "if he couldn't even bother to tell me whether I was safe or not, then why should I contact him?" And that is only really half anger and more frustration. But still, no risk of me reaching out to him.

 

Getting my life together is a different ordeal. Long and painful, as things at home weren't good for easily a year or two before this all started (it wasn't the cause but I'm sure an outlet for some of those issues)

[wisernow]

wow. i find it very hard to believe that one can risk everything to be with someone, every single thing in their life and it is so easy for them to move on and never contact them again. it seems so callous. I know because it is happening to me. 9months out. hard to believe.

 

I say, its hard to believe when it's fresh and the Dday is new. Once time goes by, (for me anyway) you realize you're lucky the affair wasn't taken underground, thus prolonging the pain. It's difficult to realize just how insignificant you really were in their life. Eye opening, indeed.

Edited April 12, 2013 by wisernow

[jlola]

Yeah yeah whatever Pierre.

We're well aware you place zero value on human emotion, but some of the rest of us do.

 

But isn't that what OW/OM do?

put no value on the human emotions of BS and kids. Since they do not know them, they feel it is ok to help cause pain to those they know will undoubtedly suffer when affair comes to light.

[ScarlettKaren]

Every other day or every day someone posts a story like yours. You could have pasted that and save time. Just kidding, but what I am trying to say is that affair dynamics are well known and repetitive.

 

Affair romance is intense, that is why you are feeling awful. The conditions for the relationship cause a massive change in the brain chemistry of love. And to make matters worse the relationships tend to end suddenly with no warning.

 

I want to tell that your guy loves you as much as you love him, but his love belongs to the sphere of the affair. He probably lived in the affair compartment and the married life at home compartment. When there is a d-day the separation of the compartments falls apart and the MM panics.

 

Despite the incredible high romance and passion it is usually easier to turn off the affair than the turn off a marriage. So he has turned off the affair to save his marriage.

 

Now you know where you stand. However, you are also married, so you must have an idea of what it is like to live in two compartments.

 

Affairs 101:

 

These guys do not live the wife unless she dumps them.

 

Women like you generally leave the H.

 

I am puzzled. You should initiate divorce proceedings right away since you do not have children.

 

You have two choices:

 

Off and on contact and remain this way for years to come.

 

or

 

Go permanent NC suffer for 6-8 months and move on.

 

Either way divorce your

 

We certainly each had separate realms that we balanced like spinning plates. No, I never expected (or wanted) him to leave his wife. That wasn't the goal, and I'm not sure there was one beyond making each other happy.

 

Just because you don't have kids doesn't mean it is always just that easy to leave. Not that the thought hasn't crossed my mind, but it isn't that easy.

 

And no, I didn't go to confession. I am not contrite. So therefore, I cannot confess.

[ScarlettKaren]

?? Man up to at least one of the women in his life? You mean, like his wife? He did. He ended the affair. He didn't care about his wife while having the affair; why should he care about the mistress when the affair is over? Not understanding your logic here. His 'first' promise was to his wife. The OW knows this but chooses to engage in an affair anyway.

 

I am not saying the OW can't be hurt or be sad; but what did the OW think would happen when D Day happened? An actual D Day, not just the "she would know if she scrutinized the phone bill". A cheating MM is skilled at lying and gaslighting. No doubt most know what to do to get the wife to not be suspicious (sex, romance, gifts, lying, etc). Was there no plan for D day? Did the OW think the affair would go on indefinitely? I can't imagine that - considering there is the love word said.

 

ScarlettK, I hope you don't meet with him. I agree that it will just set you back. And FYI - not ALL MM go back to the OW ... many don't. Many do; but not necessarily to do anything except continue the affair. Please don't waste any more of your life on this jerk.

 

If your marriage is "not great" what are you doing to change that? Why have an affair? Why not just divorce? Especially with no kids....why stay with someone you aren't happy with?

 

No, there wasn't a plan for Dday. Ever. We never talked badly about spouses. Ever, and really never spoke of them. It was a universe of two. Foolishly and wonderfully. Perhaps we were odd like that.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Hmmm. Read your thread. Can't offer you much sympathy.

 

You are as you say, not contrite. If you are content to continue in deceit of your husband, who must at some level know you checked out of the marriage and is likely in some pain about it, how can you expect sympathy?

 

You "universe of two" is down to one now? You took a trip to a parallel world, girl. This one's home.

[ScarlettKaren]

I completely believe that he threw me under the bus on Dday. And I have no intention of contacting him (pain, protecting him, pride,lots of reasons).

 

And as for contrition. Really? I was (and right now am) still in love with him. I suspect that god would call foul on an attempt to put it right until my heart is.

[Summer Breeze]

Yes, I am married as well, no kids though. I spent the first week barely sleeping and not really eating much. Thankfully, I am very good at pretending to be ok, even if this has stretched all bounds.

 

Due to a massive job shift in August (which my MM helped me through every step of the way) I don't see him as regularly, but seeing him again is inevitable.

 

I've told myself I can't go through this again. The pain is too much, but how to handle if he pops back up. I guess it would greatly depend if it is next week or next year. My emotions are still running too high at the moment.

 

So here's the tough question. Are you going to come clean and tell your H?

[ScarlettKaren]

Pierre, no she didn't call. My belief is based entirely on cynicism and people's instinctual need to protect.

 

I think you've crafted a nice turn of phrase hermitage NC. It is an appropriate description of the state. I realize that the risk is now if he makes contact and my reaction. I have to prepare for that chance.

 

Will I come clean, I don't know. My husband has great emotional pain (lasting days) from "criticism" over any small things, leaving dishes out or forgetting to do something I've asked. That is a whole separate set of challenges.

[ComingInHot]

pierre,

Sphere. Compartment. Funny*

 

ScarletKaren,

Are you the least bit concerned exMM's Wife will inform Your H? A-lot of BS's do, and I believe it is the right thing to do in most cases.

You haven't (that I've read yet) explained why you don't just D your H. What are you waiting for? I hope it's not because youdon't have Someone else to move on to that you are staying.?.?

Are you in IC to find out what makes it so easy for you to put on a great false front to your H? Maybe IC can help you discover why you found yourself willing to engage w/a MM & cause pain to so many*