melliek Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 Hello everyone, I am new here but desperately looking for help. My husband and I were only married for 9 months when we decided to seperate. Things were bad for a little while, neither one of us put any effort into the marriage. Once I left he begged me to come home but because of my subborness in my mind it was over, that was it, I wanted to be happy and 'life is too short' ( how many times have we all heard this). While we were seperated , to my own fault, I had a one night stand. I think in the back of my mind i thought that if I did this then there would be no way that he would want me back (and I was drinking ----no excuse I realize this). Then, a couple of weeks after it was almost as if the fog lifted out of my brain and I started to realize what the hell I was doing. I realized how wrong I was to leave in the first place and that i was throwing my marriage away. We had only been seperated for one month so I went to him and told him of my infideleties and he took me back without any questions. That was about a month ago now......now that it has sunk in he is really having a hard time dealing with it. Numerous times he has packed up and walked out, of course he has came back each time. He wants to know every little detail about it and even when I tell him he thinks that I am lieing and that it was more than once and that I was planning to do this before I left. He has not put his wedding ring back on and our first year anniversary is on Mon. I am scared to death that he will walk out now , which i realize that I probably deserve it but I keep telling him that I am here now , I have been taught a leason and i understand more about what marriage is about. I know it sounds stupid, how can I learn all of that in one short month, but I have learnt what it means to be married. I will never leave again, never, and the guilt that I feel is undescribable. I am consumed by it, every second of the day I think about what i've done and how i've hurt him and I don't know what to do to make things better. Please ....does anyone have any suggestions on how i can make my husband forgive me and stay. I really , truly am disgusted with what i've done and want to do what ever i can to make it work, but its like walking on eggshells in my house because you never know when he's going to blow up and walk out again. Help me please!!
TMCM Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 I am very sorry that you and your H find yourselves in this situation. For what its worth, you did the right thing in telling him about your infidelity because he did have the right to know what you did and decide whether he wants to continue to be married to you or to divorce you. There are people here who will try to tell you that you should have kept your mouth quiet but they fail to tell you that by doing so you will bear terrible secret that will negatively impact your relationship with your H for years to come. The marital issues that existed prior to your short lived affair must have been very serious ones in order for you to have taken the decision to separate from him. These issues must be addressed but may have to take a back seat for now until the marital fire your affair has caused is put out. What your H is going through is an emotional rollercoaster. He is torn between two competing forces, his giver and his taker. His giver is telling him that you have become a better person who now truly values her H, a person who could have taken the secret of her infidelity to the grave yet had enough love and respect for him to tell him what she did and is willing to bend over backwards to address her issues that contributed to the dismal state of the marriage. While his taker is telling him to get out of the marriage now because if she cheated in the first 9 months of marriage then it shows that she does neither love or respect him to be faithful to him and that she will do it again later on. How can you help your H to find it in his heart to forgive you and want to remain married to you? By showing him your remorse, your respect, your accountability [letting him know EVERYTHING related to your whereabouts] in other words YOUR ACTIONS will speak louder than your words. Don't try to argue, beg or justify with him when he becomes angry at you because this will only add to his resentment. But draw the line if he becomes physically abusive with you because ,affair or no affair, there is NO excuse for physical violence. Seek marital counseling ASAP even if he doesn't want to go. In time he just might decide to join you. If you truly want to save and rebuild your marriage then you must face the fact that it will take a lot of patience and understanding on your part to get through this ordeal.
Author melliek Posted September 17, 2004 Author Posted September 17, 2004 TMCM, thank you so much for your words of wisdom, it really does help. Right now things are tough, very tough. Part of my feels like my husband is ready to walk out the door...as he so said last night, but then on the other hand I know that he does love me because he has not left yet. He told me last night that he no longer has respect for me or our marriage and that what we had is dead. He has told me that he can no longer be what i need him to be and the man that he was is gone which I can understand everything that he is saying because if the shoe was on the other foot I cant say what I would do. I have told my husband that whatever he decides I will respect his wishes and not fight him on it but on the other hand I will wait and not give up hope because I have realized how much I do love him and the mistakes that I have made are so dispicable and I would do anything to fix this. How does someone actually get over being the one that has ruined their marriage and caused so much pain? Every day I ask myself why I did this and how could I throw away everything like this? I pray to God every day for forgiveness and to help my husband to have the strength to get over this and for him to give me the wisdom to deal with this. I just don't know how to deal with what i've done....how do you get over it when you are truly sorry, how do you cope with what you've done and not hate yourself so much????
TMCM Posted September 18, 2004 Posted September 18, 2004 Originally posted by melliek: How does someone actually get over being the one that has ruined their marriage and caused so much pain? Every day I ask myself why I did this and how could I throw away everything like this? I pray to God every day for forgiveness and to help my husband to have the strength to get over this and for him to give me the wisdom to deal with this. I just don't know how to deal with what i've done....how do you get over it when you are truly sorry, how do you cope with what you've done and not hate yourself so much???? How? One day at a time. Remember that recovery is a slow process and it cannot be rushed. Why? Could resentment and anger against your H have anything to do with it? I ask because 9 months into the marriage the two of you separate so there must have been some serious hurt that was inflicted. Am I wrong? melliek please visit Marriage Builders. The support there is one of the best you can find on the web. You are not alone.
Joey R Posted September 21, 2004 Posted September 21, 2004 As a man two has had counseling on this, can tell you that men & women often have different reactions to infedelity. To put it simply, a woman would be more conserned if there was emotional closeness. A man is more prone to reacting the physycal aspect of the lovemaking process. You mentioned it was a one night stand. This is likely more hurtful to your husband then say if it was a close emotional relatrionship. One conselation is that was only once. Men are competive by nature. He may ask you, Is he better looking, does he have a better job...car etc.., does he have a bigger penis. Did you perform oral sex. These are primal instincts. These instincts perhaps contribute to why he asks about every detail. Also he may be concerned about the physical closeness of the encounter. Ei did you use a condom. Women are generally less concerned about emotional closeness versus physical. In my case I was able to interveen before my wife's situation became sexual. Melliek, it sounds like you've been honest with your man but don't say things because it's what he would rather hear. You need to be 100% truthful. My wife was 100% honest with me. It was difficult in the beginning but it helped me trust her again. Whatever you do, hang in there.
Joey R Posted September 21, 2004 Posted September 21, 2004 As a man two has had counseling on this, can tell you that men & women often have different reactions to infedelity. To put it simply, a woman would be more conserned if there was emotional closeness. A man is more prone to reacting the physycal aspect of the lovemaking process. You mentioned it was a one night stand. This is likely more hurtful to your husband then say if it was a close emotional relatrionship. One conselation is that was only once. Men are competive by nature. He may ask you, Is he better looking, does he have a better job...car etc.., does he have a bigger penis. Did you perform oral sex. These are primal instincts. These instincts perhaps contribute to why he asks about every detail. Also he may be concerned about the physical closeness of the encounter. Ei did you use a condom. Women are generally less concerned about emotional closeness versus physical. In my case I was able to interveen before my wife's situation became sexual. Melliek, it sounds like you've been honest with your man but don't say things because it's what he would rather hear. You need to be 100% truthful. My wife was 100% honest with me. It was difficult in the beginning but it helped me trust her again. Whatever you do, hang in there.
Recommended Posts