Assuming the worst-Perception VS Reality

[GB25]

I have this problem and im sure others do as well. I havent seen my ex since before Christmas or any contact for over a month- (tiny breadcrumb i replied coldly) other than that pretty much nada. Now, I am always picturing her out having the best time ever, getting pounded by new guys every weekend..or the most disturbing thought that she met the man of her dreams and is madly in love. There is no fact to any of these thoughts they are all just my mind messing with me. In reality, these thoughts are probably false but how come when we are stressed we always manifest these non fact based worst case scenarios in our head and we start to believe them with no knowledge. I almost idealize her new (fake) relationship in my head..candlelight dinner, watching movies, cuddling, why do i do this to myself? Its more than likely a bruised ego. Any help for how you guys deal with this ridiculous made up scenarios that you almost start to believe.

[OwlSoul]

Any help for how you guys deal with this ridiculous made up scenarios that you almost start to believe.

I simply do not care. D: I am too self-concentrated.

 

Yeah, there were moments when I was mad thinking that my ex is going out with someone else and etc. But I just think that if it would be the case I would know it eventually. Doesn't matter whether I will know it sooner or later, since I won't change anything about it.

The best way to co-op with something is to become really 'stupid'. I mean try not to think at all, but present right here and right now.

to understand what I mean I suggest seeing 'The Peaceful Warrior'.

[McGriff]

Man, this is a great topic, because I do the same thing! It's funny because I was talking to my mother and she said the same thing. One thing I know is that the perception is almost always 100% worse than reality. However, (and this is scary) it's funny---when I met my ex gf, she was just out of an LTR, and her ex was flipping out and I know that his perception was either better or even to what reality was. I mean, we had great times, wild passionate sex, everything that goes along with a brand new RS. I think that's why it's important to just not know anything. I have no idea what my ex is doing, who she's seeing if anybody, and I don't want to, until I can reach the point of indifference. I just like to think that my absence is as big a hole in her life as hers is in mine, and that she would have to be extremely lucky to be able to have what we had so quickly again. Not saying it's impossible, but certainly not likely, especially considering that a month after the BU she was still sending crumbs about wanting to cuddle and stuff. But I'm right there with you, it's a great topic, and I'd be interested to know how other people handle it.

[Echo000]

its human nature-- we tend to think about the things that we fear most. Most likely a survival mechanism- if you are afraid you will starve then you will make sure you eat. Sadly, this survival mechanism enters your life in unwanted ways as well, and (as in this case) can actually make you miserable.

 

I have had OCD all my life (minor form of it-and more obsessive and less compulsive), which means i tend to replay thoughts over and over in my head. Instead of trying to force the thoughts out of your head, let them come and let them go. Recognize that this is not your fault, nor is it something that makes you different. Many of us go through this, and recognizing that it is natural and unpleasant makes it more bearable.

 

Additionally, look at it like this (like i try to do). Come up with the worst possible scenario- like you said lets imagine she met mr. right and is living happily without you. they have sex every night, and she never even thinks of you. Now what? you still are breathing, you are still going to do the things you are going to do today regardless of this.

 

Point is, even worst case scenarios are often not that bad at all. THat would really suck, dont get me wrong. I think about that too, or the idea that she is okay with me not being in her life anymore or is pretty much moved on. It stings. But life goes on homeboy. And the fear is often way worse than the reality of almost any situation.

 

P.S- like you already know, most of your thoughts are bullsh** anyways. Chances are she is thinking the exact fears about you as you are about her.

 

Go watch the movie FIGHT CLUB. Makes a man feel good about being a man.

 

Thats my advice for you friend.

[Echo000]

another thing i do is this:

 

if it is so easy to assume the worst..why not every once in a while assume the absolute best? Haha imagine she is sitting there, lonely and crying over you, wondering how she let you go and how miserable she is without you. Imagine herself missing you badly every single day.

 

Is that reality? Not necessarily. But its doubtful the worst case scenario is also. So swing both ways. might as well every once in a while..combat the negative bullsh** with some positive bullsh**. All bullsh** anyways.

[GB25]

Great outlook McGriff

 

Its like sometimes when these thoughts pop up i tell myself that her life is completely separate from mine and what she does has no bearing on my life what so ever...and that helps because i dont FB stalk, or twitter or anything she is gone, but sometimes i get in these funks where all the jealous, ridiculous, made up scenarios come piling on and it sets me back. It gets me thinking all this love she is giving this new guy should of been mine and they are happily ever after while I am here on loveshack.com typing away. Like I said who knows what she is really doing, i mean shes a cute young girl so yea im sure shes dating around, hooking up here and there but the extent my mind blows it up to be is unhealthy and intrusive and simply false but the sick part is I convince myself its true

[GB25]

its human nature-- we tend to think about the things that we fear most. Most likely a survival mechanism- if you are afraid you will starve then you will make sure you eat. Sadly, this survival mechanism enters your life in unwanted ways as well, and (as in this case) can actually make you miserable.

 

I have had OCD all my life (minor form of it-and more obsessive and less compulsive), which means i tend to replay thoughts over and over in my head. Instead of trying to force the thoughts out of your head, let them come and let them go. Recognize that this is not your fault, nor is it something that makes you different. Many of us go through this, and recognizing that it is natural and unpleasant makes it more bearable.

 

Additionally, look at it like this (like i try to do). Come up with the worst possible scenario- like you said lets imagine she met mr. right and is living happily without you. they have sex every night, and she never even thinks of you. Now what? you still are breathing, you are still going to do the things you are going to do today regardless of this.

 

Point is, even worst case scenarios are often not that bad at all. THat would really suck, dont get me wrong. I think about that too, or the idea that she is okay with me not being in her life anymore or is pretty much moved on. It stings. But life goes on homeboy. And the fear is often way worse than the reality of almost any situation.

 

P.S- like you already know, most of your thoughts are bullsh** anyways. Chances are she is thinking the exact fears about you as you are about her.

 

Go watch the movie FIGHT CLUB. Makes a man feel good about being a man.

 

Thats my advice for you friend.

 

Man, Echo i like you more and more every single say. This truly helps. Thanks friend

[Echo000]

Man, Echo i like you more and more every single say. This truly helps. Thanks friend

 

Seems like we are all good people, trying to make it with a broken heart. You have posted on my stuff, and I will never hesitate to post on yours. If you consider every day you get through a success story, then you will move forward a proud man. Im a little stronger after every day that passes, and so are you. Keep it up.

[McGriff]

"Additionally, look at it like this (like i try to do). Come up with the worst possible scenario- like you said lets imagine she met mr. right and is living happily without you. they have sex every night, and she never even thinks of you. Now what? you still are breathing, you are still going to do the things you are going to do today regardless of this."

 

This is great stuff Echo---and so on point. It's simple, but so true. Thanks for that!

[GB25]

MI feel like this is the last leg of my healing. Ive dealt with every other emotion there is to deal with and once these jealous, possessive thoughts no longer spark sadness I will be ok. Man, this road to indifference is like the great wall of china it never seems to end does it? Right when you think you got it figured out it throws you a curve ball...

[guysmily25]

MI feel like this is the last leg of my healing. Ive dealt with every other emotion there is to deal with and once these jealous, possessive thoughts no longer spark sadness I will be ok. Man, this road to indifference is like the great wall of china it never seems to end does it? Right when you think you got it figured out it throws you a curve ball...

I know what you mean brother. The other week I was outside having a cigarette, which was something I quit for her when we were together. I was thinking to myself, "you know, I'm ok with the breakup maybe it wasn't meant to be." Then, she just so happened to drive by my house and see me out there, doing what I know she hated.

 

I had a downward spiral in that moment, and the breakup felt fresh again. "Nooooooooo, now she thinks she was right to leave me!"

 

The curveballs are always there, that's just life. I just try to visualize a day when nothing will seem like a curve anymore, and it won't matter whether she thinks she was right about us or not. We will get there eventually friend.

[blue_jay_bird]

Well, I always think, if they are having the time of their life.

 

1) They don't care about you (and why would you want to be with someone like that)

 

2) It's going to catch up on them, every relationship is sprinkles and titty f u c k ing at the start. It will catch up on them.

[destroyed4sho]

I know what you mean brother. The other week I was outside having a cigarette, which was something I quit for her when we were together. I was thinking to myself, "you know, I'm ok with the breakup maybe it wasn't meant to be." Then, she just so happened to drive by my house and see me out there, doing what I know she hated.

 

I had a downward spiral in that moment, and the breakup felt fresh again. "Nooooooooo, now she thinks she was right to leave me!"

 

The curveballs are always there, that's just life. I just try to visualize a day when nothing will seem like a curve anymore, and it won't matter whether she thinks she was right about us or not. We will get there eventually friend.

 

ha, Im sure when she saw you smoking she thought "oh I guess he is back to being his old happy self again and has forgotten about me"....

We always think the worst case scenerio right?

[destroyed4sho]

I always think that my ex is having the time of her life.....it stings at first but as you keep replaying it in your mind, in time, you analyze the reality of the relationship and how messed up they are, eventually you just don't care if they are having the best time of their lives without you.

 

Having a good time is not going to make them a better person. I rather spend time improving myself so that I can be a great partner one day rather than going around drinking, drugging and having meaningless sex with random strangers for a fake temporary ego boost.

 

Also, in a way, it is good to have these extreme thoughts because it kills hope and you heal faster.

[uniqwa]

well.. I haven't had that problem.. I am fairly positive my ex is happy just based off his reaction towards my begging and how " she is better then you", So I don't really think about their relationship, Instead I think about how happy he is....

This is what you do..

1: you come to terms with the fact YOU love that person hence all your worst fears having to do with them finding "the one".

2: REALIZE that person is no longer a part of your life.. You can fantasize all you want.. although, that's just not something I can understand, I have just been dealing with the fact he doesn't love me.. not day dreaming of their relationship that's just doing way too much..but I do every now and then remember, but don't dwell on what they feel together.

I look at pics of them together, its reality.. My heart hasn't grasped the reality, my mind has, you just need to mentally grasp that.. It'll take time but your heart will eventually grasp that as well.

[GudDude2013]

Don't mean to sound crass but it's just the way I talk. When I had my second real break up we did wind up back together, atleast for a little while longer, and she asked me how did I deal with the break up. I knew she was with other men during that period, and i'd be lying if I said it didn't bother the hell out of me, but I quickly realized that despite whatever scenarios played in my head that there was nothing that I could do about it. It wasn't easy.

 

I told her I imagined her sucking, and ****ing everyday to her little hearts content, which may or may not be far from the truth, but anyway all this over active imagination got me was those pangs in the gut. But i'll tell you something, I must had over done it, because after awhile even the most vivid thoughts failed to bring those pangs.

 

What i'm saying is, if your going to think those thoughts with not much control over them, make them work to your favor. Instead of rejecting them as unfounded, and not the reality, be realistic, she will be ****ing....sooner or later, just like you will be, so embrace it, except it, dig it in and twist it....(her new dude has her screaming & cumming waterfalls continuously) and after awhile you will desensitized your self to these thoughts. And these same vicious thoughts that hurt will also heal....it's like the same thing that makes you laugh makes you cry, but in reverse, and it will make you emotionally tougher, and ultimately stronger.....

 

That's what I did, so now in my present break up when I have those thoughts, guess what? NO PANGS! & now i can dismiss them, because they don't carry the same power. I can then move past it and revert to one of my favorite sayings for dealing with this ****, which is...it's not about what she does, it's about what I do (where your head should be anyway)

[Jono85]

I always think that my ex is having the time of her life.....it stings at first but as you keep replaying it in your mind, in time, you analyze the reality of the relationship and how messed up they are, eventually you just don't care if they are having the best time of their lives without you.

 

Having a good time is not going to make them a better person. I rather spend time improving myself so that I can be a great partner one day rather than going around drinking, drugging and having meaningless sex with random strangers for a fake temporary ego boost.

 

Also, in a way, it is good to have these extreme thoughts because it kills hope and you heal faster.

 

this x1000

 

A. i'm not trying to be a pessimist here, but the reality is your ex IS either doing these things (having wild passionate sex with a new guy/girl) or is hoping to do these things with someone else soon and will. so yes, imagine those things, like destroyed said, it will kill hope. why would you want someone back who MAY have had crazy intimate sex with someone other than you (they may tell you lies, but how would you ever know, since in theory they wouldn't be cheating, and probs won't tell you crazy stuff..)

 

B. at some point, and i'm just now reaching it after 8-9 months (4 months NC), you start seeing things a little more clearer and your ex comes off the pedestal you have them on. you start realizing all their flaws and all the relationship flaws and you slowly detach yourself from all the feelings/don't care anymore.

[TheFriend]

Be lucky that they are just thoughts. My ex called me and told me that she had meet another man that was the love of her life and that she started dating him the day after she left me. She told me everything they did together and that in a short periodof time she shared her deep dark life secrets with him that she was never able to share with me. She also told me they had a great weekend together in a hotel and that she would say he's if he proposed to her.

 

And why did she tell me this? To get it off her chest. Why the f*** did I need to hear that.

[i.am]

Yes, I think what some of you guys said are true. It's a sooner or later thing. I've also been thinking and wondering what he has been doing. Is he chatting and dating other ladies? Is he gonna find someone better than me? These thoughts drove me crazy several times.

 

And when the more sane me appear, I was telling myself that this will happen one day. It may or may not be happening now but it WILL happen one day unless he becomes a monk.

 

But still, it is hard to accept this "truth". I'm still trying...

[destroyed4sho]

Be lucky that they are just thoughts. My ex called me and told me that she had meet another man that was the love of her life and that she started dating him the day after she left me. She told me everything they did together and that in a short periodof time she shared her deep dark life secrets with him that she was never able to share with me. She also told me they had a great weekend together in a hotel and that she would say he's if he proposed to her.

 

And why did she tell me this? To get it off her chest. Why the f*** did I need to hear that.

 

What happen with that psycho? Did she ever call back to tell you more?

[Sweetnothing]

I am guilty of doing this especially because my ex has been completely ignoring me. The easiest way to deal is by distracting yourself. If you think she's out banging other guys maybe you should be out flirting. It's hard, but in a break up you really just want attention and she's not giving it to you so find it somewhere else. Make a dating profile online if you're too shy to go out and meet girls.

 

I like going out to the bar because I rarely don't get hit on. Even if I'm not interested in the guy at all it massages my poor bruised little ego and I can relax knowing that I am still totally desirable. It helps that most of the guys I flirt with are more successful than my ex and not all that bad looking (I have yet to find a guy I find SUPER hot though I'm extremely picky appearance-wise).

 

Being "on the prowl" for a few hours can help you forget what your ex is doing. As long as you're not leading anyone on by acting like you want anything serious then it's all harmless fun! Even just looking is a great way to keep your mind off your ex. You're at the mall and you lock eyes with someone for a brief moment and feel the rush of a new attraction and for those few seconds your ex is forgotten. The more times you experience a wanting for someone else the less desire you feel for your ex.

[sweetjess1951]

I think everyone does this. I know I do. I haven't spoken to my ex in over 2 weeks (longest we haven't spoken since our break up in October) and of course I feel like he's just all smiles and happy having a great time.

 

Is this true? Who knows! The last time we didn't speak for a week and a half, I sent him a text telling him how mad I was at him but that I missed him. He responded almost immediately with a list of everything he missed about me. It was a bit surprising because a week ago I saw him smiling away, having such a good time at a Super Bowl party.

 

This time was a bit different. I initiated the "break up" because I felt like nothing I did was good enough and was seriously taken for granted and unappreciated. After I said that, I went to his place to get my jeans and hopefully talk, which ended with him yelling at me, saying if I wanted to talk I'd have to wait for another day. I left in tears and we haven't spoken sense.

 

So he could be having a blast and so happy or he could be thinking about me 24/7, with no balls to change and make things right. He could be thinking I'm going to eventually call like I always have.

[TheFriend]

I never heard from her again.