Author jujubes Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 Oh boy this guy is OTT and someone needs to clue him up or he might end up turning into bitter nice guy over the years, unless he lucks out with some slightly desperate girl who loves this intensity. It is a bit like one of those male date prospect character from SATC. Good looking, good credentials, but OTT weird in some way that ends up turning one of the woman off so they stay single for another week. Start dating him so you can get some great 'crazy date' stories out of this that you can laugh about in the future (and also report back here for our entertainment too + for newbie education as well on not what to do) Haha, so true. Honestly, I feel like he's well-intentioned but just doesn't understand how off putting his neediness is. I'll definitely report back with whatever happens. I'll be talking to him about everything either tonight or tomorrow before Sunday's date is supposed to happen.
edgygirl Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Okay... So I see everyone's opinion is run for the hills. BUT. 1. He's Canadian. They are MUCH more relationship oriented than say, American men. I think it's a good trait honestly. What, does everyone needs to want to be in the hookup culture only? 2. Maybe he is just sick of all today's online dating bs. I certainly am. I want a relationship. Maybe that's what he wants too. This being said, he does seem to be on the clingy side and not relationship smart as it rubs girls the wrong way when the guy wants to make you his gf even before meeting you. But, playing devil's advocate, does it mean he's such a weirdo? Maybe he is just a sensitive guy looking for a real relationship in this world of hookups.
Author jujubes Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 Okay... So I see everyone's opinion is run for the hills. BUT. 1. He's Canadian. They are MUCH more relationship oriented than say, American men. I think it's a good trait honestly. What, does everyone needs to want to be in the hookup culture only? 2. Maybe he is just sick of all today's online dating bs. I certainly am. I want a relationship. Maybe that's what he wants too. This being said, he does seem to be on the clingy side and not relationship smart as it rubs girls the wrong way when the guy wants to make you his gf even before meeting you. But, playing devil's advocate, does it mean he's such a weirdo? Maybe he is just a sensitive guy looking for a real relationship in this world of hookups. Oops...he's not actually from Canada (he's American), he just wants me to go on vacation to a spot he likes there. I think for the most part you're right about #2. In fact he said as much and we bonded over our mutual feelings on this. But I also think he was ready to attach himself to the first thing that came along that showed him attention and affection (in this case me) because he is so starving for those things. It reminds me too much of other relationships I got in where the other person became codependent.
outsidethebox Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 OP, do not under any circumstances open up a dialogue with this guy about anything, but certainly not about what you find problematic with him. There is only one thing to write him, and that is "I have decided to pursue other opportunities. Best of luck to you." Mark his email as spam (actually not a stretch there) and block his phone calls / texts. The mutual friends you talked to - do not discuss reasons, tell them same thing if they ask. Break it off quietly but firmly now. You don't need to give anyone a reason. 2
Estate Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 I met somebody online last week who I'm supposed to have a date with on Sunday. We both had very lengthy profiles on a dating site and a ridiculous amount in common- along with finding each other extremely attractive, at least based on pictures and Skyping. To be honest, I had not been this excited about meeting someone in a very, very long time. But over the past few days, I've been getting really turned off my some of his behavior. He already took his dating profile down because he says he knows he doesn't want anybody else (we haven't even met yet!), and he's already making plans to take me on a vacation to Canada in AUGUST...telling me how much his family will love me...and asking me interior decorating questions so he can keep things in mind for our future home, if this all works out (!!!). He's also planning to take all of next week off so we can spend it together after we meet in person, because he's convinced it will be impossible for us to say goodbye to each other once we've met. I'm not even kidding. The first few days we were texting, emailing, and Skyping like crazy (it was the weekend) but as soon as I had to go to work on Monday and my schedule became hectic, I didn't have time for more than answering a few of his texts during the day. He started getting really insecure, bugging me to say sweet things to him and tell him how much he means to me, getting "jokingly" upset that I wasn't answering his dozens of emails (literally, he is sending 10 - 15 a day, not all of them particularly short). After ONE DAY of not Skyping with him or emailing him (we texted, but I had a huge project to finish that night and told him so), he wrote me a lengthy email of how he's worried I'm not providing him with the verbal validation he needs and that he's feeling insecure. I'm so bummed out because I was really excited about this guy. He's convinced we're fated to be together (and we do have a freakish lot in common...which I don't say lightly because I'm a pretty odd person myself) but I already feel suffocated by him, and we haven't even moved this thing offline yet. To his credit...I know a few of his friends and they all think he's really sweet and nice, and not crazy or unstable. But they are his friends, not his romantic partners. Should I just run from this one, or give him a chance still? I would still be 100% interested in him if he wasn't coming on so strong and moving so fast. Thanks for any advice... That's waaaaaaaaaay over the top from him, run for the hills, seriously. Imagine if you met him and decided to not let it go further, or spend the week with him... ... or worse, if you actually dated for a while and it didn't work out... If He's already THIS nuts, imagine what he'd be like then! Run away, fast. 2
todreaminblue Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 I met somebody online last week who I'm supposed to have a date with on Sunday. We both had very lengthy profiles on a dating site and a ridiculous amount in common- along with finding each other extremely attractive, at least based on pictures and Skyping. To be honest, I had not been this excited about meeting someone in a very, very long time. But over the past few days, I've been getting really turned off my some of his behavior. He already took his dating profile down because he says he knows he doesn't want anybody else (we haven't even met yet!), and he's already making plans to take me on a vacation to Canada in AUGUST...telling me how much his family will love me...and asking me interior decorating questions so he can keep things in mind for our future home, if this all works out (!!!). He's also planning to take all of next week off so we can spend it together after we meet in person, because he's convinced it will be impossible for us to say goodbye to each other once we've met. I'm not even kidding. The first few days we were texting, emailing, and Skyping like crazy (it was the weekend) but as soon as I had to go to work on Monday and my schedule became hectic, I didn't have time for more than answering a few of his texts during the day. He started getting really insecure, bugging me to say sweet things to him and tell him how much he means to me, getting "jokingly" upset that I wasn't answering his dozens of emails (literally, he is sending 10 - 15 a day, not all of them particularly short). After ONE DAY of not Skyping with him or emailing him (we texted, but I had a huge project to finish that night and told him so), he wrote me a lengthy email of how he's worried I'm not providing him with the verbal validation he needs and that he's feeling insecure. I'm so bummed out because I was really excited about this guy. He's convinced we're fated to be together (and we do have a freakish lot in common...which I don't say lightly because I'm a pretty odd person myself) but I already feel suffocated by him, and we haven't even moved this thing offline yet. To his credit...I know a few of his friends and they all think he's really sweet and nice, and not crazy or unstable. But they are his friends, not his romantic partners. Should I just run from this one, or give him a chance still? I would still be 100% interested in him if he wasn't coming on so strong and moving so fast. Thanks for any advice... Hard call, could be nerves why dont you just be honest with him and tell him how you feel so he can tone it down ..he wont know he is doing something suffocating, if you dont let him know and communicate to him you wish to take it slow then you are allowing him to escalate to an unbearable deal breaking situation.......if he doesnt change then you know what you should do....communication is key on both sides.....deb 1
edgygirl Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 (edited) Oops...he's not actually from Canada (he's American), he just wants me to go on vacation to a spot he likes there. I think for the most part you're right about #2. In fact he said as much and we bonded over our mutual feelings on this. But I also think he was ready to attach himself to the first thing that came along that showed him attention and affection (in this case me) because he is so starving for those things. It reminds me too much of other relationships I got in where the other person became codependent. I understand you feel this way, that he might only be looking for the first thing that came along... but give yourself some credit. I sometimes get REALLY excited about someone specific, let's say a 1/100 guy that writes me. It could be (not saying it is) that he got really excited specifically about you. I dunno... I feel people in general and on the site as well are too quick to write someone off only because they really want a relationship and are looking for like-minded people. It used to be normal a couple of decades ago. I feel that people who show real emotions are depreciated today. Of course there must be a balance, people have to be smart and not scare others off... but I would not necessarily write someone off just based on this. In any case, your gut feeling will tell you what needs to be done. Edited April 13, 2013 by edgygirl 1
outsidethebox Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 verbal validation? and they haven't even met yet. Come on edgygirl, there are discussions here about whether contacting someone before first date is needy or not. This is so needy it would require a UN Relief Organization.
edgygirl Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 verbal validation? and they haven't even met yet. Come on edgygirl, there are discussions here about whether contacting someone before first date is needy or not. This is so needy it would require a UN Relief Organization. haha. UN Relief Organization. I dunno. I am hopeless romantic. I still believe in love at first online sight hehe 1
PogoStick Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Thank you, now I only feel like a stage 2 clinger by comparison! I was a bit bummed that we couldn't meet for a 2nd date for 8 days. Since, We've had 2 phone calls, sent 1 music video via email, and a handful of texts on most days. FYI the video made me think about taking her on a weekend trip to catch a concert this summer. Great I am crazy...but I didn't tell her! That's only half a point. Still too much?
SunsetRed Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 what exactly is a stage 5 clinger and how does it compare to a stage one clinger? Well, aside from my question, Im glad I read your post because I am dealing w the same thing and now I can use all this advice for my own clarity. Same story, we met online but he did wait until our first date to become clingy. As is common w online dating, he did lay it all out on our first meet/date that he is looking for a wife/long term relationship. I replied that Im not looking but Im not ruling it out either. So after our first date he declares we are in a relationship and proceeds to plan out our weekends for the entire summer! He literally sent me links w events such as concerts and festivals for all of the summer weekends and planned for us to go to them. He also planned to take me along on a short mini vacation. Im not ready to sleep w him (like probably ever) let alone go away on a trip! And yes, its nice to have someone plan things in advance w me, instead of treating me like a F Buddy and saying "hey can u come over" but still....I don't want someone I just met to plan out my schedule for the next 8-10 weeks. I actually gave him a few more chances and met him in public for a few more dates. Date # 3 he grabs my hand and says "this is moving fast, but we've got to go w it, as what we have is bigger than the both of us." he said a bunch of other crap all along this line. Oh, he also said "I know you're happy w your single life and with where u live, but u may have to step out of that comfort zone to have a love that lasts" GAG, So, the clingy ness never got better. I was lucky this guy that he is simply someone who just cant b alone and he's not really going to try and kill me like that Match.com guy tried to do to his date that rejected him. Online sites do draw the needy and the desperate. Men in real life are more cautious. Almost every guy I've met online started our 1st meet/date by quizzing me about marriage and relationships. Some were looking for sex, some were looking for a second income but all of them had an agenda and thus latched on quick. anyway, you've been given great advice here and advice w a sense of humor as well. My advice echos the rest RUN.
Author jujubes Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 Latest update: He started texting me saying he's worried that I haven't texted him as much today as usual, and that it's dredging up all sorts of fears for him. Then... wait for it... He asked if we can consider ourselves "exclusive." Because he does, and he wants to know if I do too. I told him point blank I could never commit to exclusivity with someone I've never even met in person. And that I don't like to rush things, because if something's going to work out, it will do so without trying to force an outcome and lock things in place right from the start. This apparently bummed him out to no end, and put him in a sad mood. He kept asking for reassurance that "I'm your favorite," that "I'm yours and you're mine," and that "I hope you see this as so much more than anything else you've ever had." Then he started complaining when my text messages were taking too long to get to him after I started typing (we have iPhones that do the three dots when someone is typing). I'm waiting until I have more free time (probably tomorrow) to really explain why his behavior is creeping me out and why he needs to slow the heck down. After our text convo tonight, it became apparent that he can NOT handle hearing anything remotely practical or sobering regarding relationship-talk (i.e., preparing for the possibility that things won't be the same in person as they are online; suggesting that anything that could happen between us isn't guaranteed to last forever, etc.). Any time I tried to reel him back down to earth, he complained it was bumming him out. I still want to meet him just to see what this is like in person (somewhere safe and public, perhaps with pepperspray in my pocket), but we'll see. I guess it took tonight's conversation to really seal it for me that he's orbiting a different planet right now.
Author jujubes Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 what exactly is a stage 5 clinger and how does it compare to a stage one clinger? Well, aside from my question, Im glad I read your post because I am dealing w the same thing and now I can use all this advice for my own clarity.RE: the rest of your post- sorry you're going through this too. I admire people with a clear picture of what they want, but it's just so unrealistic to go at lightning speed right from the beginning. When those scenarios work out, it's the exception rather than the rule. Have you broken things off with him? Also... "this is moving fast, but we've got to go w it, as what we have is bigger than the both of us"- almost exactly what this guy has said on a few occasions...did we find the same person?! 1
Buttercup84 Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 If I were you, I would not meet up with him. But a selfish part of me wants to kbow what he is like lol. But this is getting waaaay weird, honey. Be careful. He sounds like overly attached girlfriend.
outsidethebox Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Latest update: He started texting me saying he's worried that I haven't texted him as much today as usual, and that it's dredging up all sorts of fears for him. Then... wait for it... He asked if we can consider ourselves "exclusive." Because he does, and he wants to know if I do too. I told him point blank I could never commit to exclusivity with someone I've never even met in person. And that I don't like to rush things, because if something's going to work out, it will do so without trying to force an outcome and lock things in place right from the start. This apparently bummed him out to no end, and put him in a sad mood. He kept asking for reassurance that "I'm your favorite," that "I'm yours and you're mine," and that "I hope you see this as so much more than anything else you've ever had." Then he started complaining when my text messages were taking too long to get to him after I started typing (we have iPhones that do the three dots when someone is typing). I'm waiting until I have more free time (probably tomorrow) to really explain why his behavior is creeping me out and why he needs to slow the heck down. After our text convo tonight, it became apparent that he can NOT handle hearing anything remotely practical or sobering regarding relationship-talk (i.e., preparing for the possibility that things won't be the same in person as they are online; suggesting that anything that could happen between us isn't guaranteed to last forever, etc.). Any time I tried to reel him back down to earth, he complained it was bumming him out. I still want to meet him just to see what this is like in person (somewhere safe and public, perhaps with pepperspray in my pocket), but we'll see. I guess it took tonight's conversation to really seal it for me that he's orbiting a different planet right now. You like to make things complicated, don't you? 3
Author jujubes Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 You like to make things complicated, don't you? Not usually, but I feel like this guy truly doesn't understand how he's coming across, and he's going to keep doing this to woman after woman until someone sits him down (literally or figuratively) and explains it to him. Normally I'd cut my losses and run at this point. But if I can spare some other girl this experience and connect the dots for him, I'll consider it worth it. (That said, it's incredibly late, and I may change my mind tomorrow when I can think better and just block his number. Heh.)
outsidethebox Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 So you're a fixer. Unnecessarily complicated. You don't want that dialogue with this guy.
Sivok Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 (edited) Not usually, but I feel like this guy truly doesn't understand how he's coming across, and he's going to keep doing this to woman after woman until someone sits him down (literally or figuratively) and explains it to him. Normally I'd cut my losses and run at this point. But if I can spare some other girl this experience and connect the dots for him, I'll consider it worth it. (That said, it's incredibly late, and I may change my mind tomorrow when I can think better and just block his number. Heh.)Be careful about that. When you're his 'target' and emotions are involved, he's really not going to take that sort of talk that well. Leave that conversation for one of his guy friends - it's not really your place given your dynamic with him. If he asks you questions about his behavior - be blunt, but otherwise do NOT just sit there lecturing him why he's creepy. Imagine a guy you're head over heels over deciding to have a first date with you for the sole reason of telling you you're creepy and lecturing you why guys turn and run. I don't see a good outcome out of that. Edited April 13, 2013 by Sivok 2
SJC2008 Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 We've all read a few whopers on lovesack. If they went on a date and he was like sorry I'm not feeling it that would make the LS whopper hall of fame!
Author jujubes Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 Be careful about that. When you're his 'target' and emotions are involved, he's really not going to take that sort of talk that well. Leave that conversation for one of his guy friends - it's not really your place given your dynamic with him. If he asks you questions about his behavior - be blunt, but otherwise do NOT just sit there lecturing him why he's creepy. Imagine a guy you're head over heels over deciding to have a first date with you for the sole reason of telling you you're creepy and lecturing you why guys turn and run. I don't see a good outcome out of that. Good points. I'll probably do it over a (relatively short) email instead. I just want to make sure I leave him with some sort of clear explanation of why it had to end, since it sounds like most of the women he's been with have bailed without giving him a reason. 1
gaius Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 I've had women be bluntly honest with me about bad behavior. At first it burned like acid but eventually it made me feel better and felt more loving than to not be told the truth.
SunsetRed Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 RE: the rest of your post- sorry you're going through this too. I admire people with a clear picture of what they want, but it's just so unrealistic to go at lightning speed right from the beginning. When those scenarios work out, it's the exception rather than the rule. Have you broken things off with him? Also... "this is moving fast, but we've got to go w it, as what we have is bigger than the both of us"- almost exactly what this guy has said on a few occasions...did we find the same person?! Jujubes, I did let my guy go. Honestly, I did go thru some self questioning because it was nice to have a guy who put so much effort into making real plans w me. The clingy stuff was just too much though and it is a sign of something REALLY unhealthy. I've actually had domestic violence counseling due to a previous relationship and I know that a push for a quick commitment is almost always bad. When a man feels a need to lock you down quickly its usually because he's an abuser, a controller or has some agenda to fill. It could even b as simple as he needs a second income to pay his bills, I've encountered that before. A man who has a lot to offer, wont want to offer it all up so quickly, he'll be cautious too. The guy I let go was driving me crazy w the "r we still going to xyz on April 27th?" "what about May 13, are we still going to that xyz" He also told me he was disappointed that I loved my life and where I lived. He seemed to want me to be a sad and with a lonely heart looking for my other half. If we disagreed on what type of music or resteraunt was good, that made him sad too. He made it seem like I didn't have a choice about whether to be in the relationship or not. Esp w the this is moving faster and is bigger than both of us crap. I told him NO, we have choices. We or I can move as slow as I feel comfortable with. I'm in charge of my own life and I'm in charge of who comes into to it and how quickly they come into it. So, Im glad I got rid of my clingy guy as it would have only gotten worse as time went on. 2
Author jujubes Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 Jujubes, I did let my guy go. Honestly, I did go thru some self questioning because it was nice to have a guy who put so much effort into making real plans w me. The clingy stuff was just too much though and it is a sign of something REALLY unhealthy. I've actually had domestic violence counseling due to a previous relationship and I know that a push for a quick commitment is almost always bad. When a man feels a need to lock you down quickly its usually because he's an abuser, a controller or has some agenda to fill. It could even b as simple as he needs a second income to pay his bills, I've encountered that before. A man who has a lot to offer, wont want to offer it all up so quickly, he'll be cautious too. The guy I let go was driving me crazy w the "r we still going to xyz on April 27th?" "what about May 13, are we still going to that xyz" He also told me he was disappointed that I loved my life and where I lived. He seemed to want me to be a sad and with a lonely heart looking for my other half. If we disagreed on what type of music or resteraunt was good, that made him sad too. He made it seem like I didn't have a choice about whether to be in the relationship or not. Esp w the this is moving faster and is bigger than both of us crap. I told him NO, we have choices. We or I can move as slow as I feel comfortable with. I'm in charge of my own life and I'm in charge of who comes into to it and how quickly they come into it. So, Im glad I got rid of my clingy guy as it would have only gotten worse as time went on. I'm glad you were able to get out of that too. It's definitely weird if he wants you to feel sad and lonely (that seems like the beginning of something abusive). "A man who has a lot to offer, wont want to offer it all up so quickly, he'll be cautious too"- totally agree here, and probably why moving too fast in the beginning can be such a turn-off. In my case, I feel like this guy couldn't possibly know me well enough to be so certain we're perfect for each other- he's projecting onto me like crazy.
Minneloa Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Not usually, but I feel like this guy truly doesn't understand how he's coming across, and he's going to keep doing this to woman after woman until someone sits him down (literally or figuratively) and explains it to him. Normally I'd cut my losses and run at this point. But if I can spare some other girl this experience and connect the dots for him, I'll consider it worth it. (That said, it's incredibly late, and I may change my mind tomorrow when I can think better and just block his number. Heh.) I see that you have kind intentions here, but he is essentially a stranger whose behavior is making you uncomfortable, and understandably so. (I am astounded that he wanted exclusivity before meeting you!) Thus, it's not your responsibility to "school" or "save" him. Don"t fall prey to being the "nice girl" here. A simple email, as another poster suggested, will suffice. Next!
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