jujubes Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 I met somebody online last week who I'm supposed to have a date with on Sunday. We both had very lengthy profiles on a dating site and a ridiculous amount in common- along with finding each other extremely attractive, at least based on pictures and Skyping. To be honest, I had not been this excited about meeting someone in a very, very long time. But over the past few days, I've been getting really turned off my some of his behavior. He already took his dating profile down because he says he knows he doesn't want anybody else (we haven't even met yet!), and he's already making plans to take me on a vacation to Canada in AUGUST...telling me how much his family will love me...and asking me interior decorating questions so he can keep things in mind for our future home, if this all works out (!!!). He's also planning to take all of next week off so we can spend it together after we meet in person, because he's convinced it will be impossible for us to say goodbye to each other once we've met. I'm not even kidding. The first few days we were texting, emailing, and Skyping like crazy (it was the weekend) but as soon as I had to go to work on Monday and my schedule became hectic, I didn't have time for more than answering a few of his texts during the day. He started getting really insecure, bugging me to say sweet things to him and tell him how much he means to me, getting "jokingly" upset that I wasn't answering his dozens of emails (literally, he is sending 10 - 15 a day, not all of them particularly short). After ONE DAY of not Skyping with him or emailing him (we texted, but I had a huge project to finish that night and told him so), he wrote me a lengthy email of how he's worried I'm not providing him with the verbal validation he needs and that he's feeling insecure. I'm so bummed out because I was really excited about this guy. He's convinced we're fated to be together (and we do have a freakish lot in common...which I don't say lightly because I'm a pretty odd person myself) but I already feel suffocated by him, and we haven't even moved this thing offline yet. To his credit...I know a few of his friends and they all think he's really sweet and nice, and not crazy or unstable. But they are his friends, not his romantic partners. Should I just run from this one, or give him a chance still? I would still be 100% interested in him if he wasn't coming on so strong and moving so fast. Thanks for any advice...
Poppy fields Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Maybe one or two of those things would not be a big deal to me, I would just think he was nervous. But, all of that stuff combined, I would RUN FOR THE HILLS! 4
CryForNoOne Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Sounds like a run for the hills situation but you could also tell him how you fell. Paraphrase of course but basically "I really like you but you're smothering me here and I feel uncomfortable. Please back off until we meet and not so many expectations before that." If he doesn't back off, then end all contact. If he does, well maybe 40 years from now you'll look back together and laugh. I'm only saying this IF you feel you have freakishly lot in common before he got weird... 2
Treasa Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Um, yeah, I wouldn't even meet up with this guy, and I'd make damn sure he didn't know where I lived. 5
MidwestUSA Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 When I did OLD, I ran into about three of these guys. One date, and I was suddenly scheduled to see very concert that hit town that summer, or meet the parents next weekend. Funny, all three were really nice guys, but frikkin oblivious! None of them ever got a second date, and sadly, I couldn't quite put it into words to them what turned me off. I could now, but was so blown away by it, and other behaviors in OLD, that I couldn't speak. Run! 2
KatZee Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Lol @ all those red flags! Seriously though, I met a guy like that and we met in person like TWICE and he was all, "I miss you so much!" "I know I'm allergic to cats but we can get one together b/c I know you love them!" He was just moving warp speed and it was so obvious he was so desperate to be in a relationship and it weirded me out. I cut things off fairly quickly after that. 1
charlietheginger Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Sounds like a hopeless romantic ..... Key word is "hopeless" he so desires love he chases women away. BUT IF YOU NEED AND LOVE CLINGY MEN THAT WILL WORSHIP YOU....THEN THIS MIGHT BE YOUR GUY. he might give you the world on a platter and be your Servent..... then its one sided all about him pleasing you BUT as women often do they walk past a servent In hopes of a man thats a strong king and treats His lady like a queen....
Author jujubes Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 Thanks everybody! Looks like the general consensus is to run. After re-reading my post, it definitely seems creepy, seeing it all laid out on paper. Sounds like a run for the hills situation but you could also tell him how you fell. Paraphrase of course but basically "I really like you but you're smothering me here and I feel uncomfortable. Please back off until we meet and not so many expectations before that." If he doesn't back off, then end all contact. If he does, well maybe 40 years from now you'll look back together and laugh. I'm only saying this IF you feel you have freakishly lot in common before he got weird... This is going to be my plan. He's told me he tends to end up with women who aren't upfront with him and leave after a few weeks because they're not ready for a relationship...my guess is they just get scared off and he doesn't understand why. I'm going to tell him I'm not comfortable with his neediness and the amount of attention he's demanding from me when my life is already extremely busy. Maybe he truly doesn't realize how strong he's coming on. 2
meghann8 Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Be blunt. Tell him that you're excited to meet him and get to know him in person, but he has to chill out right now! If you guys are actually meant to be together, you'll have your entire lives to be together! Make sure he understands that you're really interested in him too though. That's key to help calm his nerves. If he doesn't understand that, RUN.
MidwestUSA Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Thanks everybody! Looks like the general consensus is to run. After re-reading my post, it definitely seems creepy, seeing it all laid out on paper. This is going to be my plan. He's told me he tends to end up with women who aren't upfront with him and leave after a few weeks because they're not ready for a relationship...my guess is they just get scared off and he doesn't understand why. I'm going to tell him I'm not comfortable with his neediness and the amount of attention he's demanding from me when my life is already extremely busy. Maybe he truly doesn't realize how strong he's coming on. Key: they are not ready for his IDEA of a relationship. Maybe, just maybe, you can drop him a clue? I wish I had.
Author jujubes Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 Livedandlearned- thanks! Wow, that really puts it in perspective. Hello? Online Dating is notorious for attracting desperate, rebounders, psychos, awkward, needy, etc. type of people which I am sure you are aware of. Yeah, for sure. I've met some really awesome people online (including my thus-far best relationship) so I tend to hold out hope, but it's definitely easy for the crazies to hide out there too. All he wants is a "cardboard cutout" (any woman) to be his GF so she can meet his "unhealthy" needs, desires, insecurities and so he doesn't have to be alone (which is worse than death to him). Guys (and girls) like him, USE people and they WANT you for all the wrong reasons... Many of which have nothing to really do with you or who you are. This is exactly how it's been feeling. He can't possibly know me well enough yet to say some of the things he's been saying, and I think he's just totally in love with love- and totally desperate for someone to shower him with attention and affection to fill some kind of void. I don't get a violent vibe from him at all, but you never know.
Author jujubes Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 Sounds like a hopeless romantic ..... Key word is "hopeless" he so desires love he chases women away. BUT IF YOU NEED AND LOVE CLINGY MEN THAT WILL WORSHIP YOU....THEN THIS MIGHT BE YOUR GUY. he might give you the world on a platter and be your Servent..... then its one sided all about him pleasing you BUT as women often do they walk past a servent In hopes of a man thats a strong king and treats His lady like a queen.... I think it's more than him wanting to be a servant...I feel like he's lavishing me with attention and praise so that I will be obligated to give it to him in return. He gets antsy when I don't return his praise and compliments right away.
MidwestUSA Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 He's gonna wear your skin as a suit One of my clingers gave me expensive lotion on that first (and only) date! 1
SmileFace Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 He's gonna wear your skin as a suit He is proabably building her shrine as I type. 1
Author jujubes Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 I was just calling it like I see it. The guy hardly knows her and was already getting "jokingly angry" with her because she didn't respond to his 10-15 long emails while she was busy at work. Imagine if the OP burns the muffins? Oh man, is she going to get it. If she didn't respond to the first or second email how INSANE do you have to be to send a tenth or fifteen long ass email? Haha. Just to clarify, he sent all the emails during the day, not expecting me to respond until night when I got off work, but I had too much to do in the evening. I shouldn't have said "jokingly angry" so much as "jokingly needy"...stuff like "Oh, you're already over me?" or "I wonder who adores who more? I feel like I'm winning right now, hopefully you'll make me feel differently soon." Sort of guilting me into feeling bad about not replying to his excessive communications. The vibe was mega insecurity rather than anger.
SmileFace Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Haha. Just to clarify, he sent all the emails during the day, not expecting me to respond until night when I got off work, but I had too much to do in the evening. I shouldn't have said "jokingly angry" so much as "jokingly needy"...stuff like "Oh, you're already over me?" or "I wonder who adores who more? I feel like I'm winning right now, hopefully you'll make me feel differently soon." Sort of guilting me into feeling bad about not replying to his excessive communications. The vibe was mega insecurity rather than anger. That may be worse than the anger actually.
Star Gazer Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 I literally just experienced something similar last week (complete with him taking his profile down and talking about future plans before even meeting!), but still gave him a chance. Big mistake. When I met up with him, he was acting as though we'd been together for years and totally invaded my personal space. He kissed me goodbye, I was totally meh about him but he was sooooooo enamoured! The next day, his profile was back up. I was totally surprised given how he'd been acting, but was actually relieved, but I texted him about it... Silence. These Stage 5 clingers are future fakers, IMO. Run. 1
WhoreyBull Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 I met somebody online last week...After ONE DAY of not Skyping with him or emailing him... he's worried I'm not providing him with the verbal validation he needs and that he's feeling insecure. Does that sound normal to you? Ay Dios mio, run away senorita!
SoonMyFriend Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Haha. Just to clarify, he sent all the emails during the day, not expecting me to respond until night when I got off work, but I had too much to do in the evening. I shouldn't have said "jokingly angry" so much as "jokingly needy"...stuff like "Oh, you're already over me?" or "I wonder who adores who more? I feel like I'm winning right now, hopefully you'll make me feel differently soon." Sort of guilting me into feeling bad about not replying to his excessive communications. The vibe was mega insecurity rather than anger. Wow, emotional blackmailing already? This guy seems like he has other issues he needs to deal with before he can truly enter into a relationship with someone. Let us know how it goes. I am sure he won't take any sort of push-back lightly.
tuxedo cat Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 He wants to cast you in a fantasy that revolves around him. Who you are is irrelevant. 1
CryForNoOne Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 The truly sad part is he is probably posting on some other online forum about how this girl that had this amazing mutual connection with is now blowing him off. He's presenting his delusional version of events and getting all sorts of sympathy from forum members that he's a great guy and will eventually meet the "one"... 3
Author jujubes Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 The truly sad part is he is probably posting on some other online forum about how this girl that had this amazing mutual connection with is now blowing him off. He's presenting his delusional version of events and getting all sorts of sympathy from forum members that he's a great guy and will eventually meet the "one"... Ha! True. I felt really bad for him at first when he told me how all these other women burned him, but now I realize they were probably smart to leave.
ascendotum Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Maybe one or two of those things would not be a big deal to me, I would just think he was nervous. But, all of that stuff combined, I would RUN FOR THE HILLS! Oh boy this guy is OTT and someone needs to clue him up or he might end up turning into bitter nice guy over the years, unless he lucks out with some slightly desperate girl who loves this intensity. It is a bit like one of those male date prospect character from SATC. Good looking, good credentials, but OTT weird in some way that ends up turning one of the woman off so they stay single for another week. Start dating him so you can get some great 'crazy date' stories out of this that you can laugh about in the future (and also report back here for our entertainment too + for newbie education as well on not what to do)
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