I've never been this miserable. was it his depression?

[maiden555]

Hi all, this is my first post. I have read about others’ breakups and it gives me a bit of solace. If you've been in either mine or my ex boyfriend's shoes, would love to hear about it. I've never felt so alone.

 

It happened right before New Years, so its been 3+ months but I get worse as time goes by.

 

We were together for over 2 years, living 1hr30min apart at first, while we both lived with our parents trying to find employment. He was downtrodden with a masters in education getting turned down after every interview. I felt lost as well, trying to find a job. We saw each other every weekend and fell in love. I was a serial monogamist, he hadn’t really had a serious relationship.

The distance wasn’t easy, nor was our unemployment, but we handled disagreements well and maintained a strong commitment to each other and to the commute.

A year later, I found a good job and moved into the city- closer to him and now in my own place. He found a job too. Our relationship improved as we had our own space and jobs, and the commute was easier. For awhile things seemed perfect.

 

But after another 8 months, I started to get antsy about him moving out of his parents’. He was 27 at this point and while I knew he was paying off loans, I wondered why he couldn’t at least make the first steps. Every few months I’d bring it up and he would get defensive. After 2 years of being together, and me moving slightly further to save money, I felt a sense of urgency that he wouldn’t move out or at least talk about living together in the future. I would have settled at least for just “hey I saw my friends tonight and their place and it made me look forward to when we can do that”. In the beginning he would say things like that. I wondered why he stopped.

His job didn’t pay much so I encouraged him to find a better paying one. He claimed to try but nothing came of it. We had heart to hearts where he assured me that he wanted to be with me and wanted a future together, that it would happen eventually. He confessed to me I’m the only girl he’s ever loved.

 

At this point I couldn’t really enjoy our weekends together as I felt he was always about to leave and there was no light at the end of the tunnel. The whole relationship he seemed to rush home sooner than he had to and made some strange comments about separation anxiety from his parents, and about him fearing their eventual death. It should be said *he’s been on anti-depressants since age 15* for depression, anxiety, and obsessive thinking, and has been in therapy for years. His outer manner is calm.

Finally, after me trying to have more discussions about this and finding out he “hates travel and has to take Xanax to go on trips” I freaked out. I believed he would never leave the house, that he was too damaged to be in a relationship. I was panicked. We patched things up for the day but next time we saw each other, he felt the need to tell me he would not be moving out as early as I wanted him to and that he wasn’t sure he wanted to leave his state because of his family.

 

I heard “I don’t want to be with you” and immediately told him he wasted so much of my time. We sobbed for five hours. We hugged each other. I was too weak to stand. I’ve never seen him cry like that.

That was it. I wrote him a mean email saying I was disappointed he couldn’t be an adult. He wrote me many mean responses, calling me spoiled, demanding, crazy, etc.

 

In the past 3 months, he’s told our mutual friend that he misses me several times. Recently, “I miss her more than ever” & “I miss her desperately”. I reached out to him trying to find out if he had anything to say, but he left it at “I miss you unbearably sometimes” and asked if I’d moved on to someone. I’ve tried to give him some positive vibes but he doesn’t try to get back together.

 

Every day that goes by I hurt more. I miss him so much. I am angry, sad, feel abandoned and rejected by him breaking the promise of our relationship. All that we worked on for 2 years, gone and I don’t know why. I know he’s anxious and in a bad spot in his life. Everyone tells me I deserve so much better and I know that’s true but I am SO deeply attached to him. Other men repulse me. I wish so badly he would say “lets make this work, this has been awful and we should be together”. I would be patient and I would try. But how can I lower myself to ask for him back? I have some self regard left. I know I deserve someone who can make it work but I only want him.

 

I do think his depression/severe anxiety, which have gotten worse since not getting a teaching job, played a part. They say depression means you can't see a future for yourself, which makes sense why he couldn't make one for us when I wanted that.

 

Whew, that was long. If anyone’s been in similar pain I’d love to hear it just for the solidarity. These days I no longer want to live and it scares me how low I feel. I’ve gone back on anti depressants, which I think I needed. I’ve joined a gym, gone on dates, been social, lost 12 lbs, taken writing and art classes, and am up for promotion. Nothing fills the void of our love, and that terrifies me.

 

Thanks for reading.

Edited April 12, 2013 by maiden555

[CompleteFailure]

You broke it off with him because you heard him say something he didn't. A mans ego is huge. Its no wonder he won't make the first move. He's scared you'll hurt him again.

 

You know him well, his history, you can't force him to do the things you want. Mental issues like that sound serious, he may never get over it. If you can't wait or unwilling to sacrifice your needs to some degree than stay apart. Run, don't look back. Move on.

 

If you truly love him and want to be with him, set aside your ego. I'm not saying to throw away your wants/needs. Talk to him, decide for yourself if what he says is good enough for you. If it is, help him, work on it together. Just make sure to not lose sight of who you and/or what your goals are.

[maiden555]

Thanks for your advice. It makes sense all around.

I didn't realize that I "misheard" him until later on. I'm sensitive towards rejection. But I wondered why he didn't fight it at all.

 

I'm going to try to work up the nerve to call him. I just need him to know how much I wanted it to work - I think that got buried during all the nasty exchanges and the pride.

[CompleteFailure]

Keep in mind the sticky to the forum. Keep your expectations low.

 

"Rule 3 - Expectations are the source of disappointment." -oracle

Edited April 12, 2013 by CompleteFailure

[siankat]

Hi

 

A few things. First 3 months (even plus a few days) is too soon to be feeling better when you feel you have lost someone who you loved and built a life together for two years. Nothing built is lost..or is a waste of time.

 

He is depressed. People in a depressed state are not thinking clearly. You both very sadly agreed you couldn't make it work but the good news is it is not because the feelings faded.

 

Waiting for someone to make a big gesture only happens in the movies (when it happens in real life it's usually because someone is on the upswing from their manic mood

 

Forgive me if i'm mistaken but it seems to me from what you wrote that you ended it because you panicked and thought you were not going to get what you wanted from him..ever. He was with you.

 

Was he always behaving like this and after 2 years you are seeing a pattern that you dont think you could accept? (regarding the depression and family situation)

 

We have to accept people as they are. I could give you examples of guys who showed lack of commitment and it wasn't because they didn't want the woman. Other times it was. Do not just listen to the words he's saying, listen to what he can't keep silent. You know him. This time apart, when your nerves, emotions, heart has calmed, you will see him and the relationship more objectively and hopefully also understand yourself better (ie are you more so repulsed by other men because you are so innately monogamous yourself? - i know i am and i react similarly after breakups).

 

Get peace in understanding the situation. I don't think all is lost. But you are who you are. Can you make it work? Compromise and communication is key. You don't need to do all the work but when you feel stronger you could offer him an olive branch. Wishing you all the best xx

[maiden555]

Thanks so much for your advice. You assessed the situation right, I believed he would NEVER be ready to make a future with me. I definitely panicked.

 

Its a great point - there was an underlying problem in the relationship about him having issues of independence. But to me that's an issue that usually goes away. I am very close to my parents and had a hard time moving out but it was part of growing up. I always believed he was working up to that. Now I don't know. It hurts more than ANYTHING that our relationship doesn't trump his anxiety or fears about moving out.

 

I know I am growing so much being apart. It just never stops hurting that he is okay with this. I think I will call him next weekend just to communicate without the anger, games, etc and make sure he knows how I felt. At least I will be closer to closure - it could not get worse than this.

thanks again for your thoughtful reply

[ThatJustHappened]

That's all well and good that you love him and miss him...but is he willing to make the changes you need him to make in order for the relationship to work? If not, are you willing to live with him exactly the way he is and not resent him for it? If none of the issues have been solved, the relationship will not magically work this time.

[siankat]

Thanks so much for your advice. You assessed the situation right, I believed he would NEVER be ready to make a future with me. I definitely panicked.

 

Its a great point - there was an underlying problem in the relationship about him having issues of independence. But to me that's an issue that usually goes away. I am very close to my parents and had a hard time moving out but it was part of growing up. I always believed he was working up to that. Now I don't know. It hurts more than ANYTHING that our relationship doesn't trump his anxiety or fears about moving out.

 

I know I am growing so much being apart. It just never stops hurting that he is okay with this. I think I will call him next weekend just to communicate without the anger, games, etc and make sure he knows how I felt. At least I will be closer to closure - it could not get worse than this.

thanks again for your thoughtful reply

 

I'm glad something positive is coming out of this for you! Please don't take it that he was making a choice in his own mind (moving out or the relationship),

because likely the two are independent of each other. The ultimatum was put forward by someone else

 

Some people just can't do things at a certain point, we are not all ready for the same things at the same time. You will know if it was his feelings that prevented him or other fears (he might not even want to admit or might not even know). From what you say it wasn't his feelings. I know it's difficult being the person who wants the 'normal course' to take place i.e. next step, moving in, whilst the other person has issues that prevent them wanting to do that. Like i say, this is still no reflection on you but seems to be the only way he can cope with life right now. I really hope it works out for you guys.

 

Also it's by no means an excuse, but people in the depths of a depressive episode can't handle the daily basics let alone a big upheaval. Any pressure and they shut down (my dad's a depressive, still 'in love' with my mum, but cannot function as normal during a depressed episode. Also taken them 10 years to move home, prolonged by him Understanding, compromise, what can you take, what can't you. You know him and will see where you know he can (and has shown to), make changes, and where he can't.

Edited April 15, 2013 by siankat

[maiden555]

I honestly don't think so. I don't have much hope that things will change anytime soon. The reason I want to speak with him is that I refused to talk to him at all in the weeks after our breakup (thinking no contact would help); I was shortsighted and didn't realize that since we broke up in one day, very suddenly, it didn't make sense to just cut off communication. I don't think he understands how I feel and vice versa and I just would like the unsaid things to come out. He's a very anxious, rejection-fearing person and I am too, so we've only been able to eke out the tip of the iceberg over text.

[maiden555]

Thanks, siankat. The worst part of all this is a horrible feeling of rejection and that the 2+ years of love and commitment weren't enough for him. It's triggered deep-seated abandonment issues from my father's exit in my childhood; most people don't understand why this is crippling me so much.

And I don't take it as an excuse- it helps me to understand the seriously depressed mindset because I've only had mild depression. My best friend says one can feel worthless, as if they aren't even capable of making someone happy, and that makes them stay away. I try hard to think that it wasn't me. I just feel so left.

 

Interesting story about your parents. I'm sure your mom has had to struggle with loving someone who has such an issue.

[siankat]

My parents were together for 8 years before they had children. Then when we were small, my dad stopped talking to my mum for weeks and stayed in a dark room. That was many many years ago before pop psychology and they both came from backgrounds where things like depression didn't exist and symptoms weren't discussed/addressed. My mum thought she had done something wrong. Can you imagine your husband of a decade suddenly not talking to you and you have 3 small children. Turns out it was a depressive episode brought on probably by the responsibility of fatherhood (so another period in life to watch out for).

 

He nearly had a breakdown a few years later after than. The reason i tell this is because never once did i see this growing up. My mum was not a downtrodden woman. I would have been a wreck if that was me. She got on with things and they stayed together. Achieved many more monumental things together! And my dad still has his 'ups and downs' She is the love of his life. Seems there is no easy ride even for those committed and in love. I think i'm trying to say that, he is not rejecting YOU. He just can't do it.

[destroyed4sho]

Keep in mind the sticky to the forum. Keep your expectations low.

 

"Rule 3 - Expectations are the source of disappointment." -oracle

 

its not wrong to have expectations.

[destroyed4sho]

feels like there is more to the story of why he cant leave his parents place....is there an illness, family secrets, abuse, someone he is protecting?? there may be more to the story u dont know about

[BlueBay]

I'm 26, suffer from severe depression, schitzophrenia, and high anxiety. I still live with my parents (my mom now because they're going through a divorce). I don't have a job and I don't even have my License. My girlfriend has been with me for 6 years even though I'm always having doubts about our relationship and even now am trying to decide if I should breakup with her or not. Depression is hard to deal with and never completely goes away. It will always be there, just have to learn how to cope with it. I myself am still learning, and have been on and off medication since I was 13. People with depression can have a very defeatist attitude and give up easily. My girlfriend is always saying how she wants to live together in our own apartment someday. Every time she talks about it I wish for it just as much as her but know I'm not there yet and wonder if I'll ever be. All of this and my anxiety makes me afraid of living on my own, because the way I am I don't believe I could take of myself, let alone anyone else. High anxiety and bad depression can be a terrible mix, even if there are no other unkown issues as well. I always feel my girlfriend deserves better then me. more then what I'm able to give her. Thats partly why I'm trying to decide if I should break up with her. I don't like feeling like I'm making her wait for something she wants that I may never be able to give her. I could keep talking about this forever, but already feel like I've taken up too much space as it is.

[siankat]

@Bluebay she is with you cos she wants to be...

[siankat]

its not wrong to have expectations.

 

Expectations on how you are treated is good. Grand expectations of a future that you imagine in your head is kinda useless even though it is so natural to do. I fall foul of that one as well but time away made me see that it is good but difficult to strike that balance. Of course people plan things and together. I look at my life and i got to where i wanted but the route i perhaps imagined was not the one that materialised. Life is a bit like being a mouse in a maze. I don't want to get trapped in a dead end and stay there...in a relationship or otherwise.

[maiden555]

Thanks for giving me some perspective, BlueBay. He always had a defeatist attitude, which bothered me. It's still hard for me to understand why our love wasn't that much more special to him, since I know I made him happier than anyone else. I loved him so much and he was the world to me - it shocks me that he could feel that he wasn't enough for me or something. I'd love to know more about how you feel with depression and how it relates to your relationship. Does your relationship feel separate from your depression, like a beacon of light? Or does it also feel hopeless but like something you just have to stick with?

 

That sounds like a tough situation with your girlfriend. I hope you make it clear to her how much she means to you and that it's not about her, if you do end it. I hope you work it out though.

[BlueBay]

It's hard to keep up a relationship with bad depression and anxiety. Though mine has somehow managed to last about 6 years, I think it's partly because it's long distance, and I still live with my parents. Major changes in my routine and surroundings can throw me into a panic. I remember when we first got into our relationship, even though it was online, I felt like there was hope that I wouldn't be alone anymore, that I could feel wanted and loved. Even so, when I first went out to her side of the country, I couldn't overcome my anxiety and fears. I had to take a 3 day train ride because I was too afraid to fly, and I had to bring my mom along for the trip because I was (and still am) too afraid to travel alone.

No matter how hard I'd want them to be, my anxiety and depression and other issues can't be separated from the relationship, they're are a part of me it seems. I think if we were living together in these 6 years I don't know if it would have lasted. Even after 6 years my girlfriend is still learning to deal with my depression and anxiety. I know it's difficult for her, and sometimes can even hurt her, which is part of the reason I feel she can do better then me, deserves better. She still has trouble understanding or acknowledging? that I handle and cope with things differently than she would. When I'm with her in real life, sitting next to her, seeing her smile, I feel like I could be closer to normal and have a somewhat normal life. But then I look at myself, and how nothing has really changed, no progress towards anything, even after all this time, and I feel like I'm just holding her back, keeping her waiting and burdening her with unnecessary problems. That's part of what has me thinking of letting her go, so she can get on with her life instead of waiting for me. I've told her this before, but she's stubborn and very optimistic, and keep me wanting to try and hold on to it. But again it seems I've gone on longer then I probably should with this wall of text. Hope some of this helps in someway or another.

[maiden555]

Thanks Bluebay, it does help to understand a bit more. My ex would get very anxious on public transit and sometimes I think that made it harder for him to think about living in the city with me. It's difficult to be on the outside and I'm sure it's difficult for you to live with. I wish you and your girlfriend the best of luck.

[CaliBabe]

So did you end up contacting him? How did it go?

[maiden555]

Thanks for asking.

After he texted me he missed me unbearably (~1 mo. ago), I suggested we should have a conversation sometime. He said he agreed but that was it. A few weeks later I sort of prodded it, he said he wanted to but that was it, again. This weekend, I worked up my nerve and was direct: texted him Sunday at noon, saying "so lets talk? I can call you later if you're around"

All of Sunday went by, nothing. All of Monday, nothing. That night I texted "That's not nice. I'd never ignore you." He wrote back that he'd only gotten my text Monday (doubt it) and that he had a lot on his plate but he did intend to write back. I said nothing back, and he didn't either.

 

I'm really hurt and fed up. He's a REALLY anxious and rejection-fearing person, plus he was never good on the phone, so it's very possible that he is afraid it'll get nasty again, or that he doesn't know what to say, and that the whole thing makes him freeze up.

But a big part of me just feels rejected all over again. He's genuine and not dramatic, so I don't understand why he'd say he misses me unbearably and vent to our mutual friend about it if he won't even talk to me.

I'm trying to move on. I can only take so much heartbreak.