CryForNoOne Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 I'm about to have a third date with someone I'm extremely attracted to but am bothered by some little whites lie about pretending to have common interests. One example, started as an innocuous text dialog regarding our second date. ME: "Have you ever had Ethiopian food?" HER: "Yes love it! I'm having it tomorrow with my friend. Great minds think alike." ME: "I'm glad you are adventurous with food like me. Well I suppose twice in one week would be a bit much. Where are you going?" HER: "Not sure yet and yes can you suggest someplace else?" SO I did but during our second date I noticed she seemed a bit overwhelmed by the "sophisticated" menu and asked me to pick everything. Small detail but forming a picture here. Later I innocently asked how the lunch and movie was with her friend and which restaurant - not probing just curious. She said "Oh I was nice but I wasn't hungry so we never ate out." I read people well and I'm 90% certain she has painted herself into a corner and lied. I sense there have been a couple others but I think you get the point. I'm kinda fixated on this now and starting to think it may be a big deal. I'm older and when I was her age, 26, and I liked someone, I'd say similar things. But looking back, I think I was immature and wouldn't want to date someone like that at this stage. I feel in some ways, little lies like these are signs of major insecurities. And sadly insecurity drives otherwise good people to behave horribly sometimes. I know I did some hurtful things in relationships in the past I would never do now that I'm more secure about myself. Thoughts?
carhill Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 If you otherwise have a good time with her, ask more questions and listen. In everything there is balance. As you said, you were her age once. Overall, is your impression that she is a young lady of good character? You made a choice to pursue her and go on a couple dates with her. You're not proposing marriage here. Have a good time and see where it goes. If nowhere, OK. 2
Author CryForNoOne Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 I'm having a GREAT time with her. And we are both immensely attracted to each other - within 5 minutes of meeting it was obvious to both of us. But all the same, it's becoming painfully obvious that she has low self esteem, is insecure, and probably manipulative. I'm looking for a LTR but am not really seeing a future in that regard. But perhaps I just roll with it and have a good time with her for a while...
Treasa Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 But then you're more likely to hurt her. I think you should get out now if your gut is telling you to do so.
Standard-Fare Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 I think you're right to be wary of that little white lie, but it was pretty innocuous... If you're feeling good vibes with her, just see what happens as you continue hanging out. But if that sort of thing keeps happening again and again, it absolutely should be a reason to bow out. I think the more dangerous early dating lies have to do with masking bad behaviors. For example, I had an ex who told me about the third date that he "smoked [weed] every once in a while." In another date he said he'd "never, ever do it before work." Over time, I found out that he was lying on both counts. "Every once in a while" meant several times a day, and "never do it before work" meant "do it every day before work." To me, that type of lie is far more destructive than early feigning of common interests in an attempt to impress someone you like. 1
sb129 Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 I wouldn't condemn her just for that one little thing- she probably didn't want to appear naive or unsophisticated to you, its only about food! My H can "embellish" the truth on occasion for dramatic effect when telling or retelling stories or anecdotes, I picked it up reasonably early on in our R, but its never over anything serious. Every now and then I pull him up on it, but its often so innocuous (ie the fish he caught becomes 12lb instead of 8 that sort of thing) its not worth arguing over. After meeting his family (who are TERRIBLE at it especially his mother she out and out lies about the most random of things) I figure its just part of who he is. 2
Gottabestrong Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Is she the girl that might have thought you were a player at the first date? What happened since then that you think she has "low self esteem, is insecure, and probably manipulative"?
Els Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 I don't see a need for 'white lies', especially in the early stages of dating. If the person is compatible with you, they'll like you for you. If they aren't, and the R progresses based on white lies, where do the white lies stop? On the other hand, I think you're reading too much into one thing. Give it a couple more dates and see if it's a one-off thing or a regular occurrence.
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 (edited) I'm having a GREAT time with her. And we are both immensely attracted to each other - within 5 minutes of meeting it was obvious to both of us. But all the same, it's becoming painfully obvious that she has low self esteem, is insecure, and probably manipulative. I'm looking for a LTR but am not really seeing a future in that regard. But perhaps I just roll with it and have a good time with her for a while... This the choice the majority of men make....and then women wonder why it "isn't going anywhere" and "should i talk to him about this?"...when you've already decided early on long-term potential. This is something I've been trying to drill through to women but many refuse to accept it, as if something can change, like they can just "win him over". I realize you're attracted to her and you want to have sex with her and I think that'll be your main motivation from here on out but you may convince yourself otherwise to lessen the "negativity" or guilt to justify the decisions, maybe you'll get shacked up in a FWB for a few months or so, but do try to at least let her know you're not interested in a long-term relationship, just something casual, because she will undoubtedly hope for more, especially if she's insecure. Edited April 12, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas 4
NicoleB Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Personally I feel like white lies are a bit of a red flag.
sb129 Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Personally I feel like white lies are a bit of a red flag. On their own, with NO other warning signs, I don't know if they're that bad. But he is now saying there are other things that are alarming him, so its going to be hard to separate everything out..
TouchedByViolet Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 A single white lie is just her nerves but if she is making a habit of it then yes that is probably not a good thing. Regardless, I would make sure you are certain they were white lies and not just misinterpretations by you. Don't throw away something because you read her wrong.
meghann8 Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 She could see you as a real catch and is trying to impress you. White lies are not a good thing because it means that she's not comfortable (not a few days ago, I was this girl, so I might have an idea of what she's going through). As still a young girl, she'll have her ups and downs and insecurities about her life and future. If you're looking for someone who doesn't have these troubles, I suggest you move on and find someone older/more secure with their situation. If you guys have a real connection and understand where she's coming from, just reassure her that you enjoy her company and conversations and she may calm down. If you continue to catch her lies after this, I'd say move on and it's her loss.
Author CryForNoOne Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 Is she the girl that might have thought you were a player at the first date? What happened since then that you think she has "low self esteem, is insecure, and probably manipulative"? Yes it is and you missed the mother load of all updates... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/385575-did-things-get-too-intense-second-date I didn't reference all that stuff here in this thread because I didn't want to hear more "run for the hills" advice. She said and did a lot of crazy things on our second date, but I think 2 margaritas and 5 beers had a lot to do with it. We resumed texting talking yesterday and she's back to that sweet girl. I shared all the sordid details with one of my good friends who met her and he said she looked totally into me and it's definitely insecurity on her part. He also told me I'm selling myself short and I need to look for high esteem girls. My pattern has been LTR with women I'm not in love with. But this one I'm really attracted to, and not just sexually. For whatever reason we have this scary chemistry and intimacy yet barely know each other and I feel less compatible the more I get to know her. That's not how my other LTRs started, so is this going to end the same? I don't know if two relatively incompatible people can have a successful LTR based solely on crazy attraction...
Gottabestrong Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 I don't know if two relatively incompatible people can have a successful LTR based solely on crazy attraction... Sorry I missed that update. And personally, I don't think that crazy attraction can make up for incompatible personalities. Well, that is if you are looking for a LTR. If you are just looking for fun than the attraction might give you just that. I am sorry, btw. I know you were/are really into this girl and had high hopes. You also sound like a great guy and a true catch, so if things with her don't work out, I am sure you will find someone else. Good luck!
Author CryForNoOne Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 She could see you as a real catch and is trying to impress you. White lies are not a good thing because it means that she's not comfortable (not a few days ago, I was this girl, so I might have an idea of what she's going through). As still a young girl, she'll have her ups and downs and insecurities about her life and future. If you're looking for someone who doesn't have these troubles, I suggest you move on and find someone older/more secure with their situation. If you guys have a real connection and understand where she's coming from, just reassure her that you enjoy her company and conversations and she may calm down. If you continue to catch her lies after this, I'd say move on and it's her loss. There's probably something to this. I come from a good family, have a great degree, and have a successful career. I never talk about that stuff though unless asked. But she's from a broken home, attended only JC, recently moved back in with her mom, and is uncertain about what she wants to do with her life. I've "seen the world" and she probably hasn't as much. I'm such an idealist that I try to look past those things and truly wish they didn't matter. But I think it's cropping up in her actions. Perhaps the best thing for me to do is have a talk about this with her a just tell her to relax and I don't care.
edgygirl Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 (edited) I don't see what the deal here. You yourself stated that you used to do the same when younger. I did, too. Many times. That's what younger people do when they don't know much about life yet but are too ashamed to admit it to someone who is more experienced. Either you accept that you're dating someone much younger, or you go for someone around your age. Honestly I think being older you should understand the reasons she's doing it and be more accepting. I''ll be honest. What I think bothers me in this post the most is that the main reason you're dating her is because she's young & attractive (as you mentioned) and then when what comes with young & attractive shows up (as lack of experience in life etc), you get issues with. Edited April 13, 2013 by edgygirl 3
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